DH states he needs telling what to do as can't see my perspective

[Takwxiab2]

Ongoing and frequent arguments with DH which have been around him needing to step up more with household chores and support with toddler who doesn't sleep at night.

I really do love him and when we are away from the house and work and we are elaxed we have a lovely time, he is a great father to our child (in all other aspects not at doing his household fair share)

The conclusion he has said thoug is basically along the lines of I have done everything for so long (he admits this isn't right but its the way things have happened in our relationship) and I agree i have not let go of the reins of stuff or left him to do stuff (because I've always got annoyed of waiting or asking!)

But he has admitted that he doesn't think he will ever change in knowing what needs to be done but that he will do whatever needs to be done without issue but I need to tell him.

Now obviously my hope is that in time he wouldn't need telling eveeything once we've sat down and listed all the stuff include mental workload and over time he will just do it.

But I have always suspect he may have ADHD or fall onto the spectrum and I know this can be a part of that e.g. is inability to organise themselves or see things from other perspectives. Which from some specifics tonight he has admitted he cannot see my perceptive or he thinks we both do things that are frustrating but I see them as different things.

I guess i wondered if anyone has got a similar partner who they have to repeatedly tell them what needs doing. My biggest fear is that I will still feel that I am his mum to a teenager. I know I've got to give it a go for our marriage and our child though and see if things improve because other than him not contributing to household/mental workload all else is fairly good. Lack of sex is an issue for both of us currently but genuinely it is down to tireness and exhaustion from life currently (full disclaimer he does shifts so I do appreciate he is tired after a run of shifts and I am not expecting anything during shift blocks - more on his days off- despite the fact he is tired as I am too from unbroken sleep and Working and everything else in life)

Thank you for your perspective. I often find talking stuff on a forum helpful.

Yep my ex-DH was like this. Said he needed to be told what to do. It was exhausting and led to our divorce. He’s a highly intelligent man who has a successful and high-earning career and I couldn’t accept it. He’s a really lovely and kind man but I couldn’t live with him like this.

DH is likely on the spectrum. DD2 has been diagnosed and DD1 is on the waiting list. DH uses a business calendar app and task list for anything that needs to be done. He won't remember random stuff, but if it's in his calendar it gets done. For example, I never even need to think about bin day, they just magically appear at the bottom of the drive and return to the bin area. But he forgot an appointment that I told him about on the same day. Now, it goes straight into the calendar.

Thanks everyone - to answer some questions

• he does hold down a functional job and I used this our recent argument which he respond saying we have ended up in a rut of me being household manager - his is a job where everything is reacting about quickly and in the moment (not planning ahead) and there is clear criteria of what he can/can't do in each circumstances.

• he admits he has let me do everything and I admit I haven't always taken action and just done stuff because it's quicker and easier to do it myself but I know that's not going to work now.

• he has always done basic housework e.g. dishwasher and he mostly cooks when he isn't working although makes a huge mess as he goes but recently has got better at clearing up as he goes.

• We have recently set up a new routine on the days that he is off work he does bath and bed so I can clear up/do things I haven't had a chance to do which is helping with keeping on top of day to day stuff.

• I think alot of it is little things that he can't see are an issue but they all add up or the more deeper cleaning stuff like washing towels or bedding or mental workload of stuff e.g. buying next size up clothing for our child, paying bills, the census needed filling out etc. And then also bigger jobs like we have a chest of drawers that need to go to the dump. But it's me that has to think okay we need to do this, book a slot af the dump, and work out when good time to go etc. He would just leave said drawers for years if they are not in the way it doesn't bother him.

Sometimes I wish I loved someone who had more ocd about tidiness etc but then my friend has this and gets stressed and keeping things tidy so her husband doesn't moan so I also see things from another perspective that I am probbaly the ocd person!

I will definately write down everything so he can see what all the million other things I do and then we divide so he takes full responsibility for those things and I show/talk through what that means to be done properly.

Thank you everyone

Sorry I don't believe that all these men "just don't see what needs doing". No! They do the easiest thing which means leaving it for their wives and partners to do!

Obviously if someone has ASD that is going to make things much more difficult for them but if he can manage spontaneous actions at work perhaps if you left out a list of daily, weekly, monthly, bi-annual and annual tasks for him to do, he could incorporate a good few of them in to his schedule?

Yep. They see, but are not bothered by it.

Perhaps give him the "big" daily jobs so you can manage the less obvious stuff?

Meal plan, food shopping, cooking.

All laundry - washing, drying, sorting, putting away.

Delegate those to him in their entirety and live through the teething pains. We have a wash basket that "specials" any of mine or the kids clothes in there he isn't to touch - it also has towels/bedding etc that he does do.

Re the ASD thing - my ex seemed to get more and more rigid and narrow and fixated in his thinking as the years went by. He was absolutely not who I married.

I also realised that what I wrote about sex makes it sound like both of us when it is more me that is too tired/bothered to have sex but when I do make time for it I enjoy it so it isn't a chore then. But sometimes the thought of it is a chore because I am so exhausted.

I sometimes feel that he thinks when he is doing more housework etc then we should be having sex more and then when we don't he doesn't see the point of doing the household stuff. I think he think the two directly correlate to me being less tired.

I also feel that he's also forgetting I've returned to work and I was promoted whilst on maternity leave so back to a new role that I am having to learn virtually and it's alot mentally whilst adjusting to getting our child settled at nursery a few days week and planning what he needs when he is looked after by grandparents. It's just non stop mental load.

@tankflybosswalkjam thank you for reccomeding the reading. I certainly will look into that.

"OP give him things to do that are consistently his own task and at no point step in, give your view or resent the quality of his work unless he asks you to. Offer to show him the way you do it but tell him its just how you do it and he may want to do it differently but that's OK as long as its done"

Thank you I think what you wrote at the end is a good way of explaining stuff without critizing him.

user1493413286 thank you for your perspective I hope you do not feel too resentful on what you have had to accept for your marriage to work. I feel I will have to hope that a clear list of things for him to do will improve the situation and then accept the rest is what It is.

I do acknowledge my standards are much higher and I can't moan if he doesn't do it to my standard. But there is alot he could do full stop let alone improving to a standard.

DH scan be crap like this at times. I’ve sat him down and dictated a list of jobs which need to be done every evening. At the moment the bathroom, tidying the kitchen and putting the laundry on every evening are his job and I do everything else. I’m a SAHM if so I have more opportunities to do stuff.

Hello, It sounds like we are having similar issues from what you have mentioned. My DH has just been diagnosed with ADHD at 36. If you want to chat feel free to message.

What Milomonster said, to a tee. Im mid divorce for these very reasons. Its not ok.

I agree with him having the same set jobs daily. More at the weekend. Whatever you do do not do his jobs!!