Dating over 40 online - is it this hard?

[SelinaS]

So, Im in my, shall we say, late 40s just past 45 lol and boy not only is the pandemic making it hard to date, but online is creating a harder approach when you cant date and there are some interesting, sleazy and somewhat strange types out there too.

I am on Match, Tinder, Bumble and Telegraph Dating - sounds a lot I know, but not sure what else to do when single during this time...also, not sure, if its because men want younger lol or its the pandemic but its getting harder to find someone on the same page or anyone you ideally want to date. Some men are keen for you to see them at their house or yours and forget the walk during this time, really?

So, just wondering here if anyone has had any luck on the sites at all? I dont have children, own house, own business, look young for my age and well, I think, in a good place, but is it meant to be this hard?

Thanks everyone....(feeling optimistic there is hope one day to date!)

I'm not entirely sure that the men on those websites want a monogomous long term relationship to be honest. Also, I think online dating has had it's moment now.

I'm on Match it's shit. Either young men wanting to fulfill a Mrs Robinson fantasy (I'm 42) or much older looking for younger. Men my age seem to want younger and children. I'm done with having kids... Not sure what the answer is.

Online dating is dire and I’m in a reasonable-size city. Not sure if it’s worse right now or always like this! Where are all the decent age 45 plus men? Seriously, where do they hang out?!

I’m in my twenties and found online dating dire, ended up deleting all the apps

I have found OLD unpleasant but I'm following with interest

OP where do you find the time. I barely have time to check my one dating account and reply the same message over and over again until something different sparks my attention

I am dating N from Tinder ... four months now and just booked a summer trip away. I'm 48...has taken two years of apps to get here - match / bumble and pof. Tinder has been the best by far. Best of luck

I'm post divorce single for 5 years and realising that I really should be getting back out there. If online has had its day then what else is there?

I think you might do ok as you don't have children and i see a lot of profiles where men want a partner for an adventure etc. It only takes one person. I found Tinder the best for sheer volume, but Hinge seems to have better looking men who don't have kids. I have kids so never have much luck!

@StephenBelafonte agree, im also wondering whether online dating has had its day. I think covid and lockdowns have made people simply want to have their normal lives back rather than rush into anything via online.

50 single for a while and now being encouraged by friends to give it a go
I am absolutely dreading it I don’t know much about the etiquette and all I hear are horror stories

@OhioOhioOhio when lockdown is over, maybe meet up groups, activities? Ive been single for about a month now and i have focussed on making myself the best i can be in real life, ie i look good all the time rather than slobbing around when i wasnt dating. Im certainly going to do more activities once lockdown lifts. Ill still use online dating occasionally but I've definitely lost my optimism with it.

I’ve been on tinder for around nine months now (I’m early fifties, single full time working mum, so pretty tied - haven’t dated for 4 years as I felt I just had too much baggage/too little time).
I have messaged a few guys, spoke to three and met one for a socially distanced walk finally a couple of weeks back. I thought we got on well, asked for another meet which he said yes to but now it feels like I’m pulling teeth. I just wish he’d be honest and either say - yes or just say thanks but no thanks. I’m now in limbo thinking do I keep on limping along trying to force conversation or accept he’s not interested. He’s not blocked me and is still replying when I send texts, but I don’t know if it’s worth pursuing - we seem to have a lot in common, same world views etc , can chat for ages very easily - I’m just so out of practise - I can’t read the situation . Just always seems to be me initiating contact.

@GaraMedouar i would back off a bit and let him make an effort. That chasing feeling isn't worth it.

Op, also join the dating threads here which have been going on for years. There's the main one which must be on its 200th version plus the one for dating in your 40s. Both very supportive.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4173064-dating-thread-200-spring-is-in-the-air-ghosters-beware

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4169194-Online-dating-in-your-40s-part-4

@Eesha - thanks, yes I know you’re right. We’re actually supposed to have another socially distanced walk today, possibly, but been waiting on him to confirm details etc , I want to msg this morning to say ‘are we still on for it?’ But I’m trying to sit on my hands.

Trouble is I always expect someone to behave as I would. ie I would be considerate and totally honest and say I’m interested or not. Rather than let the other person hang on indefinitely.

It’s just irritating as I’m waiting around really for a text to plan my day. Which is why I’m tempted to send a txt this morning saying just say yes or no for chrissake - either way. But then I think I’d come across as stroppy and needy - I’m overthinking this !!!

Just need to back off - this is only my first big toe dipped in the water, as time goes on I’ll probably get used to this, harden up and spot flags easier.

@GaraMedouar i think people can be chickens and just back away/ghost. Just let him contact you and plan it. Youll feel a bit better once you see he's actually making an effort with you.

Thanks Eesha

It was dire in my early 30s so...

I tried to take the positives from it but it was tough.
My advice is:
keep a few irons in the fire as it stops you over investing early.
Walk away if there is a red flag, do not give benefit of doubt you are time wasting yourself.
Take a break if you need it.

I purposefully didn't suggest first dates so as it tells you a lot about them (will they put effort in? Are they thoughtdul? Do they like the same stuff as me? ) but I did push back if their suggestion didn't suit me. (E.g. bar suggested was too pricey/too rough or in an inconvient location)
However, by the end I would just refuse to meet/ cancel on any guy that suggested i travel 40 mins to "his local, it's really nice" rather than somewhere between us as they are telling you upfront they are lazy and give zero fucks about you.

I did eventually meet my DH through it (there is almost no way would have met otherwise so thanks tinder!) And he planned a great first date! but was also mentally prepared that I wouldn't meet someone iyswim

Use @JackieWeaverFever advice as a tick list.

@Cocopogo

OP where do you find the time. I barely have time to check my one dating account and reply the same message over and over again until something different sparks my attention

Lol, mainly late evenings or really early mornings, the times I am not working, but its such hard work!! I thought my job was hard work lol, I have resorted now to just 2 sites and at this rate may just wait for my gym to open to see what happens....its keeping the convo going that appears to be difficult or doesnt happen, but Im not giving up just yet, I may be 90 at this rate though ha ha!!

@JackieWeaverFever

It was dire in my early 30s so...

I tried to take the positives from it but it was tough.
My advice is:
keep a few irons in the fire as it stops you over investing early.
Walk away if there is a red flag, do not give benefit of doubt you are time wasting yourself.
Take a break if you need it.

I purposefully didn't suggest first dates so as it tells you a lot about them (will they put effort in? Are they thoughtdul? Do they like the same stuff as me? ) but I did push back if their suggestion didn't suit me. (E.g. bar suggested was too pricey/too rough or in an inconvient location)
However, by the end I would just refuse to meet/ cancel on any guy that suggested i travel 40 mins to "his local, it's really nice" rather than somewhere between us as they are telling you upfront they are lazy and give zero fucks about you.

I did eventually meet my DH through it (there is almost no way would have met otherwise so thanks tinder!) And he planned a great first date! but was also mentally prepared that I wouldn't meet someone iyswim

Great advice, I read this twice, thanks for the heads up! Interestingly it appears Tinder is the only so called active one compared to the others because of the volume of traffic, so maybe there is hope. I did have a few who wanted me to meet them, like you said, near their's or worse at theirs which made me think seriously?? I wont give up, two of my other friends met theirs one on bumble the other I think like you on Tinder, you have given me hope!!!...but wondering if its lockdown not helping as we cant quite meet just yet until we venture into mid April and onwards...so maybe things will pick up then, she hopes ha ha!! - thank you this is great advice...!!