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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He told me it’s over then same day told me he wants to get back together!

71 replies

Mango87 · 19/03/2021 13:38

Why would someone do that?
We didn’t have an argument, nothing was going wrong then he suddenly says he wants to end it saying I don’t smile enough so it’s making him have doubts so he made me leave then later that day he calls, says sorry he didn’t mean it and he wants to get back with me!
I don’t know what to think

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2021 15:23

I feel really pressured to smile now.

And generally please him so he doesn't do it again. That's how you are meant to feel as far as he is concerned. I agree that it's creepy policing of your FACE.

"Cheer up love" Fuck off. I smile when I want to.

AleynEivlys · 19/03/2021 15:25

He sounds horribly familiar.

His initials aren't TR by any chance?

Either way, I wouldn't bother. Don't end up like I did.

Original poster

Mango87 · 19/03/2021 15:59

thecatfromjapan
Exactly it’s so creepy. And does he think that ending it with me and then asking me to get back with him the same day is going to make me smile more for him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mango87 · 19/03/2021 16:03

AleynEivlys
Sorry to hear you experienced similar.
How did you end up?
he doesn’t have the same initials.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/03/2021 16:11

@Mango87

thecatfromjapan Exactly it’s so creepy. And does he think that ending it with me and then asking me to get back with him the same day is going to make me smile more for him?

So you're going to end it and block him, yes?

crystalize · 19/03/2021 16:11

NO please don't make the mistake of going back you will regret it.
Freedom program and stay by yourself for a while.
Don't tell any new partners about previous abuse.

Lovelydiscusfish · 19/03/2021 16:18

Don’t go back to him. My ex kept dumping me and then having me back - with hindsight I properly wish I had stayed dumped the first time - he was a total head-wreck. It’s a thing they use to control you and get all the power in the relationship.

Funnily enough, he too would have a go at me for not being happy all the time. I’ve got fucking depression - I CAN’T be happy all the time.

I’ve found one now who actually supports me when I am low, rather than regarding it as some heinous slight.

You are worth so much better than this manipulative loser.

beachlife18 · 19/03/2021 16:22

Bin him! You'll find someone someday that will make you smile without trying 😊

LApprentiSorcier · 19/03/2021 16:25

Agree with pp - he fancied his chances elsewhere and got knocked back.

Don't hang around to be his last resort.

SandyY2K · 19/03/2021 16:35

Ignore it block him.

ChristmasFluff · 19/03/2021 19:37

Please, please, stop trying to figure him out. He's easy to figure out - he dumped you because he thought you'd beg and plead and promise to smile. He dumped you because it is the start of the devalue phase of the relationship - he's another abuser. He wanted you back the same day because you didn't beg and plead, and because it doesn't matter anyway so long as you start to doubt yourself.

Instead, think about what you want. Do you want a man who will dump you for not smiling?

Do you want a man who will dump you then try to get you back the same day?

This is who he is, so if you want that for the rest of your life (but getting worse all the time), crack on.

If not, run far and run fast, because you won't change him, you will just get more (and worse) of the same.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them - the first time" - Maya Angelou

SundayBreakfast · 19/03/2021 19:37

Tell him he's dumped and that it put a smile on your face

Bjarnum · 19/03/2021 19:47

He made a pass at someone-else and she turned him down so he decided to go back to you! What a turd - you deserve better

Itstimetoquit · 19/03/2021 20:21

What a prick!

Original poster

Mango87 · 19/03/2021 23:53

Maybe there was a reason maybe it’s not his fault. Shouldn’t we forgive people?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2021 00:19

@Mango87

Maybe there was a reason maybe it’s not his fault. Shouldn’t we forgive people?

Forgive, then forget. Him, to be clear. Forgive him for you, forget him, also for you.

Ruminating2020 · 20/03/2021 01:07

@Mango87

Maybe there was a reason maybe it’s not his fault. Shouldn’t we forgive people?

You can forgive but only when you're ready to do so. Forgiving too soon can prevent you from processing your emotions of the hurt caused.

He wanted you back in the same day because dumping you was meant to manipulate you into begging him for another chance. When you didn't chase him soon enough, he had to love bomb you back into the relationship.

Life's too short for those who play mind games and are too immature to
communicate in a healthy way.

Lovelydiscusfish · 20/03/2021 09:29

@Mango87

Maybe there was a reason maybe it’s not his fault. Shouldn’t we forgive people?

It is his fault - he chose to do it.

You could forgive him and give him another chance, but my worry is that this will be the start of a very damaging cycle.

My horrible ex thought I should forgive him after he literally evicted me from his house with no notice - if I hadn’t been able to stay with my parents I would have been homeless! He thinks I am a horrible and disturbed person because I do not forgive this - he described me as “locked in my own private Hell”. No, I’m not. I just finally wised up to the fact that he was a shit and I deserved better.

It’s not always best to forgive, in my opinion. Sometimes it is better to take your anger, own it, and use it to protect yourself from the wanker who is trying to wreck your head.....

Eslteacher06 · 20/03/2021 11:00

I've experienced this. And it doesn't end well. You'll now be on pins wondering if you're happy enough. And then other things get commented on and your self worth will be shattered.

He doesn't respect you. Otherwise he wouldn't have told you to leave. At best, he has issues....but don't let them become yours

GreenlandTheMovie · 20/03/2021 12:23

Why would someone do that?

He went to take a new toy out of the box, but it refused to budge. Therefore, he had to play with his existing toy.

He's training you to accept low standards of behaviour from him next time he wants to play with a new toy.

AleynEivlys · 20/03/2021 12:49

Stuck in a horrible, emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years where he would 'dump' me every time I challenged him over his (frankly awful) behaviour in order to turn the focus back on me and get out of having to answer for his shitty actions or change. Very quickly I was so beaten down by him that I was totally reliant on having him in my life in order to feel like any sort of person at all, and I would always be desperate to make it up to him and win him back, even though he was the one in the wrong. I know this isn't exactly what has happened here, but the fact that he has done this seems like a red flag to me, and it concerns me that if you are not careful you could end up in a similar situation.

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