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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He told me it’s over then same day told me he wants to get back together!

71 replies

Mango87 · 19/03/2021 13:38

Why would someone do that?
We didn’t have an argument, nothing was going wrong then he suddenly says he wants to end it saying I don’t smile enough so it’s making him have doubts so he made me leave then later that day he calls, says sorry he didn’t mean it and he wants to get back with me!
I don’t know what to think

OP posts:
Original poster
Mango87 · 19/03/2021 14:12

seensome
He’s the nicest I’ve ever been in a relationship with until that day. I was happy but couldn’t smile properly been through a lot of abuse by other men so scared he might abuse me like the last man. That day he made me feel like I was being played.

OP posts:
litterbird · 19/03/2021 14:14

You are being played. Dont entertain him again.

Original poster
Mango87 · 19/03/2021 14:15

Shoxfordian
I feel really pressured to smile now. It seems like all the abuse from other men he’s punishing me for that by telling me it’s over because I’m not smiling enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Mango87 · 19/03/2021 14:19

wizzywig
How should I react?

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 14:20

@Mango87

Why would someone do that? We didn’t have an argument, nothing was going wrong then he suddenly says he wants to end it saying I don’t smile enough so it’s making him have doubts so he made me leave then later that day he calls, says sorry he didn’t mean it and he wants to get back with me! I don’t know what to think
Why are you confused? Take him back and he'll do this again and again. Why wouldn't he? He'll know you'll take it.
Original poster
Mango87 · 19/03/2021 14:22

ThePlantsitter
What’s the test?

OP posts:
merryhouse · 19/03/2021 14:22

Stick to your guns.

This is deliberate fucking with your head.

If you let it go it will get worse.

(Even if it weren't deliberate, would you really want to be in a relationship with someone so immature they dump someone instead of having a conversation?)

barbrahunter · 19/03/2021 14:26

He's a twat. If you take him back, he'll do it again. Get rid.

And no-one can tell you when you can smile, you're your own person and you smile when you want to.

BonesJones · 19/03/2021 14:26

I'd get back with him. Wait a few days. Then tell him you're ending it because he's a disappointing shag. Whilst smiling.

PickAChew · 19/03/2021 14:28

This is cheer up love in extremis

Don't play his games.

ThePlantsitter · 19/03/2021 14:28

I reckon it's a test to see how much pissing about you'll take and the more you take the more he'll dish out. It's not necessarily conscious behaviour but it is a classic abusive technique.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/03/2021 14:33

Just because you've been with a 10/10 bastard before doesn't mean you should accept being with a 3/10 bastard now. They're still a bastard.

Have a google about the shark cage analogy, let us know if it resonates as I think it could be quite helpful for you to keep in mind.

Nice men don't behave like this OP. What you need to remember is that abusers are 'nice' sometimes. But nice men aren't abusers ever.

You don't have to assume all men are pricks so someone not being as you described it 'properly' abusive doesn't mean they are a suitable partner.

Someone can be a bit of a prick and a tad manipulative rather than being undeniably abusive - they still shouldn't be someone you see as a suitable partner.

I think some counselling to unravel the damage done by previous abusers (I'm so sorry you've been through that) would be beneficial so you can strengthen your boundaries, heighten your expectations and have clarity on what is acceptable and healthy for you. At the end of the day that's all that matters.

siyhack58342 · 19/03/2021 14:35

Block his number. Honestly don't speak to this man ever again, he's testing whether you will come running back after dropping you today so he can abuse you further, knowing you will always go back if he asks.

End it. He is not a nice person.

Eckhart · 19/03/2021 14:46

If you're still not happy in life because you've been through abuse in the past, then you need to be single, and sort that out first.

Tell him 'You said it's over, so it's over. There is no going back from saying that to me. I need security and a solid base. You have showed me that you might suddenly decide to vanish at any moment. Goodbye.'

Then spend some time single. Get to the bottom of how you're going to make sure you're never going to get abused again (hint: it's not that you're never going to meet another abuser, it's that you'll dump him at the first sign of abuse JUST LIKE YOU'RE DOING WITH THIS GUY)

Then work out whether or not you want to be in a relationship. Then, if you do, go find one.

Usagi12 · 19/03/2021 14:50

Oh please tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
Mango87 · 19/03/2021 14:58

siyhack58342
Yeah maybe he wanted to know if I would go back to him if he ended it for something stupid like not smiling enough for him and he wants me to feel bad about not smiling enough

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 19/03/2021 15:05

You were supposed to cry and beg, you didn’t so that’s thrown him. Tell him to get to fuck, trust me!

Original poster
Mango87 · 19/03/2021 15:11

Eckhart
I am happy. Maybe he has a fetish for smiling? Yeah I feel he could go at any moment without a good reason.

OP posts:
Lochmorlich · 19/03/2021 15:11

Block him.
He's not a nice person.

Original poster
Mango87 · 19/03/2021 15:13

Aposterhasnoname
Yeah when he ditched me I didn’t cry and beg, after he made me leave I just said I’m going then

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 19/03/2021 15:14

You're focusing far too much on his extraordinarily stupid comment.

You are you.

Who the fuck gets to tell you you don't smile enough?

You get to choose how often you smile. There isn't some kind of compulsory norm or some minimum or maximum measure.

And the sort of person who tries telling you you don't smile enough (I mean ... wtf?) is exactly the sort of person you don't want to be taking advice from.

It's the most stupid comment I've heard in the last 3 days.

And ... every minute, hour, day, week, month you spend with this person is time you are taking away from your potential to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

thebestnamehere · 19/03/2021 15:15

@Mango87

Maybe I don’t smile that much because I’ve been abused by men in the past but he knows that and he knows I try my best
He's trying to push you to see if you will take it from him Tell him to Fuck off if he rings again
wizzywig · 19/03/2021 15:16

See how he has just made you feel. He wants to have the power to make you go from happy to sad. He is expecting you to welcome him back. He will do this again and expect ever more grateful behaviour from you. This rollercoaster of emotions will make you fearful of misbehaving. He may kick up a fuss, insult you when you don't play ball, beg you to take him back as he made a mistake. Yes he has made a mistake. Please don't make another one.

Wanderlusto · 19/03/2021 15:18

The test was firstly to see if you would cry and beg for him back. And secondly to see if you would accept him back when he 'changed his mind' and decided he still wanted you.

You do either of those things and he knows you are ready for another abusing.

You have to be really careful who you tell you have been abused. I really wouldn't mention it at all to a new partner if possible. At least not for as long as possible.

He is the same as the prior lot. Just because the sparkly wrapping is different each time, doesn't mean he isn't still a shit in a box.

You gotta be ready each time theres so much of a waft of shit, to chuck the whole thing in the bin. That's the only way you avoid abusers.

Agree with the others, take some time single to do the self work and work on learning how to spot these jerks early and your self esteem (so you can get rid asap and easily when they show you who they are).

thecatfromjapan · 19/03/2021 15:18

Actually, it is just so skin-crawlingly horrible to think of a man trying to bully a woman into smiling more.

So, so, so creepy.

It's so ... intimate. So much in the zone where spontaneity and connection to self are.

It's just so, so fucking creepy.

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