Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What sort of mental problem has this man got?

32 replies

Honeypot33 · 19/03/2021 09:52

I got involved in a relationship with a very convincing man for a few months. He did the lot. Gifts. Love you. Planned a future. Was there constantly. Always calling. I felt we had this solid connection.

Then red flags started. Was soon clear he was lying about his ex. They were still in touch after two years of being seperated. Her pictures everywhere. He'd bring up the past and moan about stuff she had done. Said she was as much to blame as him for the split. Told me she choose her friends over him and went away without him alot etc etc. I was up and down thinking is he really over her as they also still have contact. Although I was never sure how often and feel he was lying anyway.

A minor thing made him blow off at me just over a week ago. He completely dropped me overnight and has not made any attempt to talk. Although he was rude the other day when I asked if he was ok. I've accepted it's over.

Since then another women he told me was his stalker has been in touch. We've exchanged stories. It turns out he has been in contact with us both the whole time. Lying. She didn't know about me. But I knew about her as he told me he had had a one night stand with her two years ago after his ex ended things. It's turned out now he cheated on his ex with her too. He was with this women for four months and then dumped her. Since then he's been on and off in touch over the last two years. Telling her he loves her and one day they will be together.

But what's made my stomach flip is he has used the exact script on me that he used on her. Every single word, saying, song and plan. He's not created anything different and has been dragging us both along.

I am done with him. The man's damaged. It's hitting me now he wanted to change me. He wanted me to have my hair in a ponytail and have a tan. That's how his ex was. He made out he was obsessed with my feet and i was the first time he had noticed someone's feet. But his weird foot fetish was also with the other women too.

Now yes I know he's played us both. He's very capable of lying and knows how to make you feel loved and special. But I want to understand how someone can be so mentally ill and weird. He's 48. Obsessed with his ex still. Made out he isn't. So he's had two women in the background whilst still being emotionally attached to his ex.

I feel sick knowing what a horrible game he has brought me into. How am earth can someone stick to a script that he gives to every women he charms. I honestly do not understand this level of lies and control.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 19/03/2021 09:59

You have dodged a bullet there, OP.
Walk away.
Don’t waste any time and head space on fruitless speculation as to the cause of his abusive behaviour. There are many toxic men who see women as possessions, or objects to manipulate and work out their aggression and frustrations on.
Put it down to experience. Congratulate yourself on your firm boundaries, and refusal to tolerate such shit. Find a decent normal chap or enjoy time alone or with friends. Move on.

activitythree · 19/03/2021 10:00

Mental problem?

He is an arsehole.

baileys6904 · 19/03/2021 10:01

You can be an arse hole without having a mental problem.

To class him as the same as people that may have a struggle mentally is unfair and wrong.

To excuse his behaviour as a mental problem is wrong. Even if a person has a diagnosed mental health issue, doesn't necessariky mean they can treat people badly

He's just an arsehole.

baileys6904 · 19/03/2021 10:02

Lol cross posted @activitythree lol

Flyingbirdie · 19/03/2021 10:03

Sorry Op, he is a serial liar, he sees women as objects and targets he needs to conquer, basically he is playing games to satisfy his own self confidence.

I think he is still not over his ex not because he loves her, but because she called him out and left him for it. For him, its a no, he cant get over someone dumped him instead he dumps others.

I think you should break up with him before you get sucked in too deep.

Imjustsootired · 19/03/2021 10:05

OP I can understand your utter shock! You must feel utterly duped. It would make me sick to my stomach too.

What's wrong with him? Who knows... but his behaviour is actually scary. He is hung up on his ex and keeping himself amused and emotionally fed by stringing other women along so he doesnt feel alone.

He's obviously just a fuck up. A nasty cruel man.

I can't explain him for you but will say, stay the fuck away and do not respond when he contacts you again. Which he will.

Must hurt, sorry you're feeling like this. Not all men are such dicks xxx

PussGirl · 19/03/2021 10:06

Likely a narcissist but definitely a prize arsehole.

DedlyMedally · 19/03/2021 10:06

It's not a mental problem, it sounds like he's just found a strategy that works for him.
I once read that all men have a "game" (i.e. a go-to method of attracting women), they just vary wildly in effectiveness.
Their techniques can be oddly elaborate.

SylHellais · 19/03/2021 10:12

Out of curiosity, why do you need to ascribe a particular mental health problem to him? It’s not going to make any difference to your life or the outcome of your break up with him to be able to tick the narcissist/sociopath/whatever box.

He was just a cunt who behaved badly. He may have a mental health problem, he may not. Most likely, he just suffered from Cuntiscism.

Wanderlusto · 19/03/2021 10:12

Sounds like a standard narcissist tbh (narcissistic personality disorder). He love bombed you in the beginning, which is common with his kind. As is future faking ('one day we will be together'). And finally - narcissistic triangulation. Which in this case involved him playing you off against a memory of his ex.

Ready for the twist? He is NOT hung up on his ex. Not in the slightest. He just wanted you to feel 'not enough'. And the way he chose to do that was to make you feel like he still loved his ex. The hair comments ect from narcissist ('you'd really suit...') ect are so common! Usually meant to make us think they dont like us just as we are and we need to change for them. In this case it had the added bonus of being how his ex wore her hair.

Of course he could be a straight up psychopath but npd is pretty much that anyway...

AnyFucker · 19/03/2021 10:14

I understand that you convincing yourself he has a mental illness might help you process this but it’s not necessarily the case

He is a player and a liar. That is all you can conclude from his behaviour

PussGirl · 19/03/2021 10:14

It might make you feel better to think he has a problem - as if it's not his fault he behaves like this, or not your fault for realising.

Cuntiscism is a great new mental diagnosis suggested by SylHellais

SwanShaped · 19/03/2021 10:18

Also, I think the red flags started earlier. A few months relationship and he’s already always there, always calling and planning the future! That’s too much, too soon. He’s a dickhead.

Kelly345 · 19/03/2021 10:23

I'm not sure if being a bit of a twat is a mental condition. I'd be tempted to tell him you've spoken to his stalker and blab everything you now know he was up to with you both then block him & watch it all fall to bits around him.

Annasgirl · 19/03/2021 10:23

@SylHellais

He was just a cunt who behaved badly. He may have a mental health problem, he may not. Most likely, he just suffered from Cuntiscism.

I think this is the illness lots of men suffer from 😂

SylHellais · 19/03/2021 10:23

@AnyFucker

I understand that you convincing yourself he has a mental illness might help you process this but it’s not necessarily the case

He is a player and a liar. That is all you can conclude from his behaviour

I agree. Posters on MN are very quick to look for a psychological diagnosis to explain other people’s crappy behaviour.

Reinventinganna · 19/03/2021 10:25

He can be a twat without a ‘mental problem’.

DK123 · 19/03/2021 10:31

I think most psychiatrists would diagnose cunticism based on what you've said. There could be some narcissistic traits, but you can have traits of a lot of things without needing the disorder diagnosis.

I think this guy is just a category A arsehole who's found this charade/performance/script gets him what he wants. I think he thrives off the intrigue and thinking he's clever because he pulls the wool over peoples eyes and he's in charge of the game. Just an absolute twat that it was really bad luck that you stumbled across

Cas112 · 19/03/2021 11:02

Narcissism

EpochTime · 19/03/2021 11:14

@DK123

I think the point about him thriving off the intrigue and thinking he's clever because he pulls the wool over people's eyes is key to understanding him. I agree it's a fruitless task, but if you have an intellectual curiosity, OP, then normally a person with NPD will have a primary source of supply. That primary source will feel like they have hit the jackpot as they will be idealised and put on a pedestal. But, having a primary source of supply does not mean that the person with NPD will not seek to have other sources. They often do have other sources, and the key to identifying a narcissist is that they will go to extraordinary lengths to keep keep the sources entirely separate. If either source discovers the other, this is why the discovery can feel so 'odd' or painful - because it unravels all the elaborate lies the narcissist has had to tell just to maintain that compartmentalisation.

Original poster

Honeypot33 · 19/03/2021 12:15

Thank you. He's also an ex drinker. On anti depressants and has broken relationships all around him with his family etc.

The ex is possibly manipulating him and he's manipulating her. They play an emotional game. Example he told her about me. She told him someone had offered her his number that used to be in a soap on Tele lol! He sounded sulky as he told me about that and how he wasn't bothered. He has made so many comments on her throughout that it's clear they both pester eachother still but neither party ever step up and get things back on track. He will insist until he's blue in the face he would never go back there. He's claimed she's expressed regret and splitting but he won't go back there. But I think he would if she let him. I think they get closer then they go funny with eachother. It's all making sense now. I could never understand the photos of her around his bed after two years.

They are welcome to eachother either way. I won't be a part of their games.

OP posts:

Thatwentbadly · 19/03/2021 12:17

Dickhead -Itis. It sounds like he was love bombing you from the start. There are lots of red flags in your first paragraph.

Wesaed · 19/03/2021 12:20

I don't think he's mentally unwell, or even that weird. He sounds like a common or garden twat to me.

Mango87 · 19/03/2021 12:35

It seems like every man I’ve been in a relationship has serious mental problems!

Eckhart · 19/03/2021 12:46

But I want to understand how someone can be so mentally ill and weird

Have you heard the phrase 'It takes one to know one'? You won't ever be able to understand his mindset, because you're not like him. It's a good thing that you can't understand him, in the same way you wouldn't want to be able to understand the mindset of anybody evil.

The only thing to understand is that when somebody is unfathomable to you, GET CLEAN AWAY. Don't look back. Don't spend time, even in your head, with them. Let them go as a weird, unfathomable personality that you want nothing further to do with.

People are not riddles that you understand if you're clever and work hard enough for long enough. People make you feel good or bad, and setting the appropriate distance between them and you according to this will dictate how happy the rest of your life is.

Do the work on leaving him behind, rather than on figuring him out. Even if you got an answer 'Oh, he's a diagnosable xyz!', what use would it be? You would still only have to leave him behind anyway.

Flip

1 2