Help me get through this horrendous divorce

[IndraOnTheMountain]

I’m divorcing my husband, we are at the start of mediation at the moment, but I don’t hold a lot of hope for it working out as his position is very fixed and seems to me to be a way off from what would be decided if we went to court (I’ve had legal advice, but I could be wrong here).

He won’t move out, and isn’t intending to. Until we’ve sold the house. I’d like to try and keep the house for stability for the kids - he has more than the value of it in other assets which are in trust to him, so I don’t really want to give in and sell it though obviously in staying that’s what he’s trying to force me to do.

My life is a living hell. Any requests for assistance e.g. to cook dinner is met with “how about I pay for the food and you fucking cook it”. I work full time in term time but bring in a third of what he does as I was a sahm for 11 years to our three kids.

He’s hired his dads best friend as a solicitor who is working for free for him.

I’m at breaking point, last night I felt utterly suicidal because I can’t see a way through this. I need advice - what do I do? How do I cope?

He won’t leave me in the same room as the kids alone (despite having not taken the slightest interest for many years) and being around him all the time is so overwhelming. I just don’t know what to do.

Sounds awful. Hold out, You will get some good advice on here. I am 3years down the rd from you and my life is exactly how id like it to be now.
One day you will be free. Think about all the things you will do when you are. Safe in the knowledge your on your way

Attend one mediation session (I think you have to attend at least one). It will be clear from that whether he genuinely wants to resolve things or whether he is intent on just being awkward. It sounds like he's being awkward.

After the mediation session file for Form E. Represent yourself (its just paperwork). Go straight to a Court Hearing - the judge will be fair, your ex won't.

Mine was like this. He just would not go and wanted to control every aspect of my life and abuse me while he did it. I complained to the police who did the DASH risk assessment. Then a few months later he was shouting and roaring one night and wouldn’t stop so I called the police. There must have been a note on my address or something, but they came flying out, and he was arrested. I’d already called my solicitor and she was ready to go with occupation and non molestation orders but he just grabbed his stuff and went to relatives. The relief is utterly palpable.

So in your shoes I’d make it clear to him that you won’t be abused or controlled. Coercive control is a crime, and that you’ll call the police each time he kicks off.

You don't cook or do anything for him. Have you your own money?

BTW as a consequence of his behaviour we didn’t do mediation because it was deemed unsuitable because he was such a twat. (Not the actual words but you get the idea.)

Surely you should be living separately as much as possible ie, no cooking for each other, or laundry? Grey rock as much as you can, and yes, call the police any time he kicks off physically or verbally

You need to start living separately. Unfortunately in practice I think that means that you do everything for the kids, eg cooking for them and yourself, kids' washing, keeping the areas of the house that you use clean.

You need to talk to a lawyer. Find a good one, the expenses can come out of the settlement. His dad's best pal might not actually be a family lawyer you know! In which case, he's a fool as well as a knob.

But you cannot be blindsided, even a couple of consultations then you lodge the paperwork - at least then you know what a judge is likely to award and can prepare accordingly.

Stop trying to get him involved, even if it is a mammoth task. I moved out with dd as my xh was similar. Had a very skint couple of years until the house sold but so worth it just to not live like that.

I’ve attended the Miam which I think is the one you have to go to. The trouble is he acts like he is so reasonable. I can hear him on the phone to his mum acting like he is trying to keep the peace and I’m being so provocative..

I’ve had some legal advice from my solicitor but it wasn’t confident as we don’t have all the info on his assets yet - he has to make the declaration for mediation though so hopefully after we have those we will know more about a likely settlement. I don’t want to fight for anything unrealistic - I just want what’s fair, how can I find that out? The mediator suggested an independent barrister report? Is that the best path?

I’m so tired, it’s exhausting emotionally plus working full time, most of the child care, all the house work. I know that’s so woe is me but honestly I really just feel like Im so exhausted I can’t move. I’m cooking for him at the moment to keep the peace - its just not worth it for the hassle it causes to alter it. I only do the kids washing though. It’s the intensity of his presence that I can’t cope with. If I’m chatting to the kids he will come and sit in the room. He undermines me. Makes snide comments about me to them, he dropped our youngest on the floor and said it was my fault. I’m tired.

That’s abuse!!!

You need to report what he did to social services. That's child abuse

Take one day at a time

There will be an end date

There will be freedom

You have to stay strong

My daughter was going through this 18 months ago. Her husband had been 'quietly' coercive and abusive for a number of years. We had no idea this was taking place as she was always putting on her normal happy persona when we visited. Eventually she just turned up with the kids one day and refused to go back to the marital home. He eventually moved out of the home after we got her a good solicitor and legal aid. She eventually moved back in for a few months but agreed to sell the house. It was 100 miles away and she wanted to be near us for support.
As others have pointed out contact the police and see a solicitor. I'm sure you can stay in the house until the children are of a certain age.

Aww how horrible for you be kind to yourself could you temporarily move in with parents or family? Try not to be dragged into his childish crap! x

He is a bully me he is trying to break you. Don’t give in. Read about grey rock. Chump lady will help even if no infidelity. Just show no reaction and become as boring as possible to him.

I’d call the police about his behaviour towards you and the kids. This is abuse and too serious just to ride out.

The rest of it - one MIAM session and then straight to serving court papers. Your solicitor can do this or just advise you which is cheaper.

I don’t think in reality any of it would be taken seriously by either the police or social services. It’s all very underhand and snide. When he dropped him he claimed he was “passing him to me” and I didn’t take him (I was over a meter away!) - he would just claim that’s all it was. I don’t want to look like I’m making unfounded accusations. I’m terrified he will go for 50/50 care.

I’ve been grey rocking him and in general it is successful but I just feel at breaking point right now, how long can this go on for!

Last night I said I don’t think there’s any point mediating and what you’ve all said kind of confirms that for me, I was holding out for some shred of reasonableness from him at least for our poor kids who are stuck in the middle of this but this seems unlikely doesn’t it.

Sounds like he's punishing you for having the audacity to not want to be with him anymore. It really will be one day at a time until it's over and it will be one day just not soon. Time to put your armour on, ignore him as much as you can and don't bother trying to reason with him. You are giving him the opportunity to be a major twat by trying to reason with the unreasonable.

Are you able to put some strategies in place to avoid him as much as possible? Timing is not great at the moment but there will come a time when you can get the children out of the house when he's around or winding you up? Perhaps develop a schedule for visiting family, friends, children's friends? Cinema and going to the park, walks or bike rides. Seems like a hassle but get you away from the constant mental torture of him. He's doing this to get to you. Don't be a sitting target. Also keep records and report any abusive behaviour. It may help you to get him out of the house.

Also are you able to afford a direct access barrister? Cost me around £600 for a one off session in London. When you have an idea of assets including pensions they can give you an idea of what final hearing judgment likely to be which you can work towards. Solicitors fees very quickly ramp up although you will be able to take it out of assets on settlement.

I would switch off from any discussions about mediating with him. I expect he is already feeding you nonsense based on his solicitor 'mate'. My exhusband tried that trick. Outcome was completely different in my favour.

I can't really offer you any advice other than to keep a diary. When something happens note it down so it is all there if needed and easy to refer back to. Anything financial but also things he does and says, like the dropping incident, following you into a room. If needed it will show a pattern of what he is doing.

It’s hell and you need a team. People you can phone or text, people who totally have your back. Court was really good for me, stressful though it was to go through. Don’t ask for help, offer comments etc. reduce all interactions as much as possible. Life on the other side is wonderful. You CAN do this. Call women’s aid, the police. Don’t under estimate what he is doing to you. Dropping a child is a terrible thing to do. I consistently made excuses for my ex. He was convicted of GBH (against someone else) the following year.

They will believe you. They have seen it before.

Start writing everything down..dates, times, what hes exactly saying to you then in for a week, present it to the police or mediation.

OP I am in the same situation as you. Attended MIAM and now going down court route. He doesn't want to sell the house which is in our joint names and is dragging all this out. He says we both have to move out and rent. I got a non mol and agreed to undertakings at the return hearing. Suggest you try to get a non mol.

Keep a diary of everything and if you need to, video him. I'm also cleaning the cat litter every day because he refuses to and paying for a cleaner myself. He had the audacity to ask me to ask the cleaner to do something and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry given he doesn't pay for her.

I think you need to take one day at a time and you will get there. But I also suggest you tell him that if he makes snide remarks about you to your kids you will destroy him. That's not ok.

I'm in the same situation have had legal advice and been told it would cost about £10,000 to get it sorted there courts if he won't cooperate. I don't have that, there isn't much equity in house not enough to pay 10 grand for anyway but I can't afford anywhere else. I really don't know what to do next.

*in the courts