Help me get through this horrendous divorce

[IndraOnTheMountain]

I’m divorcing my husband, we are at the start of mediation at the moment, but I don’t hold a lot of hope for it working out as his position is very fixed and seems to me to be a way off from what would be decided if we went to court (I’ve had legal advice, but I could be wrong here).

He won’t move out, and isn’t intending to. Until we’ve sold the house. I’d like to try and keep the house for stability for the kids - he has more than the value of it in other assets which are in trust to him, so I don’t really want to give in and sell it though obviously in staying that’s what he’s trying to force me to do.

My life is a living hell. Any requests for assistance e.g. to cook dinner is met with “how about I pay for the food and you fucking cook it”. I work full time in term time but bring in a third of what he does as I was a sahm for 11 years to our three kids.

He’s hired his dads best friend as a solicitor who is working for free for him.

I’m at breaking point, last night I felt utterly suicidal because I can’t see a way through this. I need advice - what do I do? How do I cope?

He won’t leave me in the same room as the kids alone (despite having not taken the slightest interest for many years) and being around him all the time is so overwhelming. I just don’t know what to do.

Make sure you are getting accurate legal advice, if there are plenty of assets outside of the house, then I don’t see why you shouldn’t keep it, if that’s what you want. Currently he’s being an abusive bully and hoping to scare you into expecting very little. Don’t fall for it. Make sure that he fully discloses all assets- savings,shares,pensions, cars, property etc.
Mine came up with utter crap about him being the main care giver, luckily the dc were old enough to put him straight.
I know it’s hell living with someone like that but it’s wonderful when it’s over and you get your life back. Once you are safely living separately put in your cms claim.
Don’t be afraid of calling the police if things get nasty.

You can self represent @Chattycatty, if there’s not enough equity to rehouse you and the kids you can apply for a mesher order.
That’s what I’d like to try and get but the amount of equity in the house is too much to get one but probably not enough to buy a house in this area.

Please call Women's Aid for support.

He is abusing you.

Please get some support.

I’m just reigniting this thread for a handhold.

We had a row yesterday where he told me I’m a disgraceful mother and he is going to contest for “full custody” if I don’t pull my shit together.
This was ignited by him forcibly removing the iPad from my hands when I was looking at something with the kids. I asked him for it back and he refused and when I tried to take it he held it above my head. He’s claiming I “physically attacked him” in front of the kids. He says he had to take the iPad because he was trying to get the kids to leave and I wasn’t helping - probably I could have been more helpful but I don’t think he can take it like that can he? I don’t know.

What are the chances of him getting 50/50 shared care? I’ve always been a sahm, pick them up at half 3 everyday, I do all the school runs, they don’t go to holiday club. They’d need to be in after school club every day until half 5 and go to holiday club if he had 50-50. Is that something a court would order? I’m terrified. Please be gentle with me because I’m very fragile right now.

I can assure you, as someone who went through a divorce with a complete controlling arse, that what they threaten you with is just that threats. The courts take a very dispassionate view of finances and custody and are unlikely to dance to the tune of a control freak no matter how loud they shout.

How is he going to claim 50/50 when your previous arrangements have put most of the responsibility on you? You sound in a fairly strong position regarding assets. He won't be able to walk away with most of it whatever he says.

You have to disengage from him. Not let him get in your head. I suggest a session with a direct access barrister. Give you an idea of what to expect if he pushes you to final hearing. And stick to it. He will threaten you because that's how he's always controlled you and it's work.

Get some therapy support. Use friends and family who are on your side. I went through this, worried about everything he threw at me and you know what the outcome was fair and in my favour. Easy for me to say but he isn't in control in court and they won't let him dominate you.

Dispassionate view:

You are and have always been the main carer. What possible grounds to alter this? Fight over an ipad? Why would the courts care!

You have enough finances to rehouse both of you, hopefully without mortgage. You will be free of him. Your house, no access to him.

How old is your youngest child OP?

I am utterly shocked that your H would actually drop a child on the floor to get at you. That is really one of the worst things I have read on here. You are clearly so ground down that you don't realise that that is child abuse. Did your child cry? I would be contacting your GP and HV to report and asking if child should be checked for any injury.

My youngest is 6, nearly 7.

Thanks to everyone, I’m crying with relief. I just need some reassurance I think. I have a solicitor, I’ll contact her in the week. Direct access barrister a good idea I think.

For the record I didn’t “attack him” I just tried to take it - when he held it above my head I didn’t do anything else I just asked him again for it back.

You have legitimate grounds to make a police complaint for coercive control.

As someone who didn't do this and regrets it terribly, I would strongly recommend you formally document and complain against his actions towards you in a thought, detailed and complete police complaint you can then table in child proceedings in response to the inevitable nonsense he will allege about you. Who knows, the police may even charge him (they should) and you may be able to obtain an occupation order and get him out of the house.

Glad it's helped you. My experience in court is that they don't have time for and are not interested in parties accusations against each other. Don't allow him to get inside your head. He probably knows you are in a god position and is trying to undermine your confidence. My ex did the same. It was hard and having him there can't be nice for you but you will get away from him, you won't be left destitute. The courts are actually pretty fair although it may not feel like that going through it. Try to detach from him and look forward to your future without him.

If you are given any form of spousal maintenance, insist it's capitalised so that you are free of him. You will be expected to return to work but that can be a blessing and give you something non family to think about. Good luck.

They always pull the " I'll apply for full custody"
card ! It's the standard threat, bastards !

And they don't want it because they have no interest in parenting their children or doing any of the hard work.

If you’re still cooking for him, can you at least put some faeces in his dinner.

Not sure if the helps but even if you live with him currently, if you are separated ( don’t sleep in the same bed / do his laundry / eat meals together) you might be able to claim universal credit as a single person for yourself and the children. ( you mentioned you had a lower income and worked term time so am
Making an assumption here you would be eligible - also depends if you have current access to any capital) citizens advice would be able to help With this.

I self represented my divorce, it’s doable. But difficult. I used a solicitor ad hoc for specific advice / when I got stuck with the forms etc. Also used a direct access barrister for court hearing. I would also try and get some mental health support if you can.

You are doing the right thing with doing Grey Rock with him. But it's not worth trying to keep the peace with someone who is intent on warfare. As a PP said, don't do anything for him at all. No cooking, cleaning etc etc. Buy food for you and the kids and feed them don't buy stuff for him. If he takes your food keep a record and text him asking for the money back. Make a separate claim for universal credit if you will qualify off your own wages, you are separated living in the same house so may be entitled to claim even while in the house. If he won't be transparent with his finances then don't waste time doing mediation do the minimum and then press on to get the court to split things fairly. With regard to his behaviour with the kids, it is awful when you have to divorce someone like this because normal behaviour and nit wanting to upset the kids doesn't matter to them. If you haven't already done so set up a separate bedroom which you use as a sitting room with a bolt on it. If the kids want to spend time with you they come to your room and he can't come in. If he insists then report to the police, bully's like him usually don't want anyone else knowing what they get up to behind closed doors so report and log his behaviour. This will help when he starts with the 'you're unbalanced, you attached me' shit that they use to intimidate you.