Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend phonecalls, beyond a joke

48 replies

Madge55 · 19/03/2021 08:01

So a friend had a lot of family issues, family illnesses over a long period. She and I would commute to work in the morning at the same time so she would ring me on the way to her work and basically it was a time for her to sound off. She was under tremendous strain and I didn't always want to hear it but I did. So things have settled now but I have changed my job and moved, hence my commute is shorter and I don't have to leave so early in the morning this has put us out of sync time wise. But my friend has continued to ring me at the time she commutes about an hour before I need to get out of bed. I am a horrible sleeper and relish the lie in. I also work alternate days at home, meaning I could roll out of bed 15 minutes before I need to turn my computer on at 08.45. I have sort of whittled her down to not ring on these days. I have told her I was off this week because of unpacking my stuff with a house move. She has still rung me ...the first day I was in one of the best sleeps I have had in months and she woke me up, I sort of snapped I was off and she said sorry and ended the call. She has done it again today. I didn't answer the call and she rang a second time but I ignored it again. This is an ongoing thing. I have told her I'm a terrible sleeper but she persists. It has turned into phonecalls all about her. She has been a lifelong friend and is incredibly kind in so many other ways but all of her personal troubles seem to have got her into a rut of being self consumed. How do I deal with/say this without ruining a friendship.

OP posts:
Clymene · 19/03/2021 08:04

Put your phone on silent when you're in bed. She's not your friend, she's using you. If she were your friend, she'd respect your boundaries and need for sleep but she won't.

You can't change her behaviour, you can only change yours.

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 19/03/2021 08:05

Put your phone on silent. Answer only when its convenient

Cosmos45 · 19/03/2021 08:05

First things first can you set your phone to DND so it doesn’t ring and is silent? You can use this setting and only allow certain numbers to ring (family members or elderly parents for example). That way you won’t hear it or be disturbed. You can if you want then ring back at your leisure. I’m sure if you stop enabling her she will give up eventually.

Hannsmum · 19/03/2021 08:06

Wow ! Seems tough for you. I feel exactly the same way as im a very bad sleeper and wont appreciate someone waking me up before I'm ready to

Just put your phone on silent till you are awake maybe??

GoddessKali · 19/03/2021 08:07

I was going to say silent / airplane mode too.

Just because someone calls, you’re under no obligation to answer!!

mildlymiffed · 19/03/2021 08:08

I would question equally why you are making yourself always available to her.

Why don't you put your phone on do not disturb overnight?

You really don't have to pick up if it's not convenience to you!

Likewise, if the conversation is going on too long or in a direction- can you not call off? Say someone else is trying to call, or someone is at the door?

You sound like you're trying to be a good friend, but at the detriment of what you want! So be a bit cruel to be kind!

Sarcobaleno · 19/03/2021 08:09

You need to have stronger boundaries. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb. Text her when you are awake for the day to say you see you've missed a call, you weren't up when she called and you'll speak to her another time. Repeat every morning. Unless it's an actual crisis you shouldn't be starting your day like that. Be polite but firm.

MonochromeMinnie · 19/03/2021 08:09

Why don't you put your phone on silent? I do, every evening, as otherwise I get texts that wake me up. One friend in particular suffers insomnia, and will text at all hours.

LawnFever · 19/03/2021 08:11

Phone on silent when you’re asleep or it’s not convenient to answer for any reason, that’s completely over the top for her to expect so much of your time it sounds draining

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 19/03/2021 08:13

I always put my phone on DND overnight. You can set it so it will ring for certain people if you want (kids, elderly parents etc)

Newgirls · 19/03/2021 08:13

Can you suggest she books time with a therapist? They are trained to do what you are doing

WeatherwaxLives · 19/03/2021 08:14

You should be able to set your phone so it automatically goes into 'do not disturb' mode between certain hours.

As you say she's a good friend and is clearly struggling I'd probably make a point of calling her a couple of times a week, at a convenient for you time (on her commute home maybe if that works for you?) if you make it always about the same time perhaps that will twig with her that that's the tune to call rather than early?

Somethingkindaoooo · 19/03/2021 08:16

Yes, put phone on silent, but also
Can you not say that morning is not a convenient time to talk? Or just that you need to have clear head space to prepare for the day.

Fo you live close to each other?
Perhaps you could go on a weekly walk instead? Or shift it to a weekly phone call?

That must be so stressful.

MazekeenSmith · 19/03/2021 08:16

Well obviously put your phone on silent but you can also draw boundaries with how much you want to talk to her. The morning phone calls aren't working for you so tell her so. Advise her to see a therapist.

flippertygibbit · 19/03/2021 08:21

First of all you need to explain to her that you do not want her to call at this time. I appreciate she's ignoring that but tell her one more time then put your phone to DND (mines is 10am to 7am) and that's it sorted.

WeatherwaxLives · 19/03/2021 08:25

Uurg. App froze and posted randomly, sorry!

Anyway, I was going to say - do you sort of passive listen while she talks at you or does she want you to offer suggestions/help her problem solve? If she takes on board suggestions how would she feel if you suggested an actual therapist? That might let her offload elsewhere and then you can get back to a more equal friendship?

If she's just talking at you and then not wanting to listen to your life stuff then that's not fair. I'd maybe go into the call with a 'situation' you need to talk about right from the start - and hope it's a bit of a wakeup call to her that she doesn't have a monopoly on life being shit at the minute.

I suffered horrendously with my mental health over the last year, and a lovely dear friend came to see me in the garden often, and I would just rant at her, moan moan moan. She'd leave and I'd realise I'd just monopolised the whole conversation - I'd often ring her afterwards and say I was so sorry, and I hadn't asked about x y z thing going on with her, and I really did want to hear about it. I'd feel awful, but being isolated and so miserable it was like I had no control. Depression can make you incredibly selfish, it's like you just don't have the emotional bandwidth to look outside yourself, it's not that you don't want to, you can't.

So I'd have sympathy with her, but it can't come at the expense of your own mental health.

PussGirl · 19/03/2021 08:26

She'll be hurt if she thinks you are ignoring her with not picking up so I'd speak to her and explain before you put your phone on silent overnight.

She may be hurt by that too but this is draining and unsustainable.

She is being very selfish.

PussGirl · 19/03/2021 08:27

Good post Weatherwax

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 19/03/2021 08:28

This is one of the most mental things I have ever read... how have you allowed this bizarre and crazy situation to arise?

It’s very simple—put phone on DND when you go to sleep. And just don’t answer.

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2021 08:28

Put your phone on silent

Have a conversation with her first and say whilst you can chat to her occasionally that you’re not her therapist and it sounds like she needs more professional help

squashyhat · 19/03/2021 08:29

I do not understand why people don't switch their phone off if they don't want go be disturbed. It really is that simple.

ElspethFlashman · 19/03/2021 08:32

I don't understand how you haven't put your phone on DND?

Honestly you sound like a mug and I know that's going to be a horrible thing for you to hear and Im sorry but you really are being a total mug for her.

It's like she's your Boss!

And she's a fucking shit friend tbh. Absolutely shit. It's like this Wives who say "but he's a great Daaaaad" even though he's a selfish prick, just because he buys them the odd sweet once in a blue moon.

She doesn't even see you. She knows full well about your new routine, and how you need your sleep. She doesn't even care. She literally doesn't give a shiny shit. Or maybe she's so narcissistic that she believes you're only just dying to hear about her latest dreary update. But either way she's the shittiest friend in the world. And you need to give yourself a massive dose of COP ON.

Nancylovesthecock · 19/03/2021 08:33

In the modern age its really your responsibility to make sure your not disturbed if you don't want to be. The power is in your hands so stop whinging and use the in built functions your phone has to allow for this. And stop being such a wet lettuce.

Cheeseandlobster · 19/03/2021 08:36

I am sorry but she is being incredibly selfish. Its all about her problems, her commute, her hours. If you posted this on aibu you would have received answers much less sympathetic to her. She knows you sleep badly, she knows you wfh some days yet expects you to get up early for her after poor sleep. Sod that! Also even if you are commuting, dont you want the time for yourself sometimes to decompress, read a book etc?

Tell her it stops now. Unless there is an exceptional crisis she only calls you on the days you are also commuting and only when you yourself are actually commuting too - not when you are still in bed. Could she not call you on her evening commute if you both want to continue this exhausting arrangement?

ApolloandDaphne · 19/03/2021 08:36

My phone is on night-time mode between 9pm and 8am so I don't get disturbed by calls or messages during that time. Tell her you are struggling with sleep at the moment and you are going to do this so you won't be able to chat to her each morning. She may take this better if you plan a few times during the week that you are happy to talk to her. It doesn't;t sound healthy at all that she has unfettered access to you.