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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend phonecalls, beyond a joke

48 replies

Madge55 · 19/03/2021 08:01

So a friend had a lot of family issues, family illnesses over a long period. She and I would commute to work in the morning at the same time so she would ring me on the way to her work and basically it was a time for her to sound off. She was under tremendous strain and I didn't always want to hear it but I did. So things have settled now but I have changed my job and moved, hence my commute is shorter and I don't have to leave so early in the morning this has put us out of sync time wise. But my friend has continued to ring me at the time she commutes about an hour before I need to get out of bed. I am a horrible sleeper and relish the lie in. I also work alternate days at home, meaning I could roll out of bed 15 minutes before I need to turn my computer on at 08.45. I have sort of whittled her down to not ring on these days. I have told her I was off this week because of unpacking my stuff with a house move. She has still rung me ...the first day I was in one of the best sleeps I have had in months and she woke me up, I sort of snapped I was off and she said sorry and ended the call. She has done it again today. I didn't answer the call and she rang a second time but I ignored it again. This is an ongoing thing. I have told her I'm a terrible sleeper but she persists. It has turned into phonecalls all about her. She has been a lifelong friend and is incredibly kind in so many other ways but all of her personal troubles seem to have got her into a rut of being self consumed. How do I deal with/say this without ruining a friendship.

OP posts:

Ganasha · 19/03/2021 08:37

She needs a counsellor. Say to her “I’m now WFH so I won’t be waking up until 8.30. I’m not available for phone calls until after 6pm” this is ridiculous. You have to sort this out

Remona · 19/03/2021 08:39

She's being selfish. I agree with others in that the first step is putting the phone on silent. Just because someone calls, you don't have to answer! The next step is telling her straight that it's no longer convenient to call like this any more and that you'll give her a ring one evening or suchlike. I think you need to be blunt with her. From experience, gentle comments don't work with people like this.

I had a friend who did similar. A kind person and a good friend, but thoughtless in some ways. She was having personal/work issues and used to call me every day, in the middle of the day when I was working, and expect me to chat for 1 hour +. This was every single day. I used to say "I can't talk now, I'm working" but she'd just keep talking - "I'll just have to tell you this...." etc. It drove me crackers. She was out of work and did nothing but moan about her situation but made zero efforts to actually find another job. I ended up finding a job for her, which she seemed very grateful for, but the calls just continued as she then rang moaning about the job every day!

I was just too polite. If I called her and she had to go, she'd just say "I've got to go" and end the call! No niceties, no goodbye. Yet she expected me to listen to her every single day for over an hour at a time. It's thoughtless and selfish. After putting up with these daily calls for months, I just reached the end of my tether and started to ignore the calls. If I didn't answer, she'd ring repeatedly. I just let her. She got the message.

SilverRoe · 19/03/2021 08:48

Sorry but I don’t think she is showing any respect for you at all. She called you again on your day off even though you’d snapped at her and reminded her the day before. she’s acting like you’re her on call therapist. It’s got to stop, I can’t believe you have spent so long taking these unreasonable calls! On the commute to work?!! Any consideration for you that you might not enjoy x amount of someone venting before you’ve even arrived at work?

Honestly i’m gobsmacked by this.

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 19/03/2021 08:52

It’s your own fault you’re being woken up by your phone if it isn’t on silent when you’re asleep. I would assume that people have their phone on silent at night.

However, your friend is also ignoring your boundaries which isn’t ok

nitsandwormsdodger · 19/03/2021 09:53

Assertiveness

You clearly haven't communicated clearly that you want these calls to stop
You can be clear and kind
"Sorry can't speak to you in the mornings any more as I can now enjoy a lie in ! shall we schedule a chat time for after work twice a week - love you lots xxx"

Original poster

Madge55 · 19/03/2021 13:40

Thanks to everyone for the feedback. It was brief but her back story was very bad for the last number of years with family problems and illnesses which she bore the brunt of thanks to her very selfish sibling family. She has been a good friend to me when I have had issues but she had her boundaries when I became needy too. I supported her for many many many months as it was unrelenting for her, so much so, she was attempting to take her life. So I listened as a friend would do, but as I say, it has become habitual now and she has lost sight of things beyond her own life/woes. I couldn't set my phone on silent as I was living on my own and I have an elderly mother so I was worried if something happened in the middle of the night and noone could reach me. My new house has a landline so I'm going to only give out the number to family members so I can switch off my mobile to calls in the morning. She is incredibly kind person and so thoughtful to me and others in many, many ways and I don't want to lose her friendship but I realise this situation has to stop. I have tried to say it nicely, jokingly, bluntly but to no avail. When I snapped at her the other day I sort of hoped she would register but today again she rang at 7 am, I didn't answer and she rang back a minute later which I again ignored. She is very talkative and so even when I have met her the previous day for a walk she will ring me the next morning. It has got to the stage I
am saying 'I'm working from home tomorrow ' so she would get the message but then she would phone me on her way home at 8 pm, for an hour. I just don't want to get to the stage of really blowing my stack and ruining a 40 year old friendship either. So I'll turn my.phone to silent and hope she gets the message. My sister thinks I'm mad for putting up with it as well and tells me just to not answer the phone.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 19/03/2021 13:49

So other posters have said you can set your phone to allow certain calls while you have it on DND - look into how to do that now. If you see a missed call when you get up, leave it a while and then text to say you have a busy day ahead and you will call her at the weekend. No doubt she will ring again later that day but you've already told her you'll talk to her at the weekend, so you just ignore. Or again just text to say you will be free to chat on Saturday afternoon, or whenever suits. Stop being so available.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/03/2021 13:52

There is a way though that if someone needed to contact you and you have DND activated on your phone, if they phone back rapidly (as in as soon as your voicemail kicks in they phone again) and they do it a certain number of times, it breaks through the DND so that your phone does actually ring. You can also allow calls from everyone, no one or favourites or you can set up a group that will have certain numbers listed in it that can break through the DND. You could just not have her number in that group.
It does read as though she is using you as a therapist to help her through her situations at the moment and while you did something similar it was at a time that suited you both, not just one of you.
If she goes off on one and blows her stack about you not answering the phone to her, you actually have your answer as to how she sees you and the friendship that you're offering her. You need to establish and keep boundaries and enforce them where she is concerned. You can still be a good friend to her with these boundaries in place.

FoonySpucker · 19/03/2021 14:06

She is incredibly kind person and so thoughtful to me and others in many, many ways

Yet she doesn't give a shit about waking you up even when you have specifically told her not to do this.

As others have said, set your phone up to not ring when it is her number.

Shaz786o · 19/03/2021 14:33

Option 1 put phone on silent. problem solved. Option 2 just say I really like being there for you but can we change the time. Are you really that good friends if you can't just say mate I'm knackered and not able to listen at that time?

FoonySpucker · 19/03/2021 14:47

@Shaz786o

The OP has tried your Option 2. Her friend is not listening:

"I have sort of whittled her down to not ring on these days. I have told her I was off this week because of unpacking my stuff with a house move. She has still rung me ...the first day I was in one of the best sleeps I have had in months and she woke me up, I sort of snapped I was off and she said sorry and ended the call. She has done it again today. I didn't answer the call and she rang a second time but I ignored it again"

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 19/03/2021 14:54

I currently have a very similar issue with a friend whose phone behaviour is very intrusive in terms of time of day and relentlessly draining topics.

She has been gently told several times that she is affecting my own mental health, but has reacted in a negative offended way only to resume said behaviour within 1-2 days.

I am close to ghosting, which seems very harsh but I feel I have done my best by her and can do no more.

Shaz786o · 19/03/2021 15:36

FoonySpucker Fri 19-Mar-21 14:47:18
Shaz786o

The OP has tried your Option 2. Her friend is not listening:

Doesn't sound very direct. I had a friend like this, she treated me like a therapist at all hours until I had the revelation to say directly if I don't answer I'm busy or knackered or both and I'll get back to you when I can. Obviously in a friendly way. You need to set boundaries and not be a martyr. Not being harsh just I have been there and it was extremely draining.

Cosmos45 · 19/03/2021 17:28

The point of the DND option which I mentioned earlier is you can set it so that the calls from the people you want still get through (your elderly mother for example). You can set it to DND between certain hours (11.00pm-9.00am) and then allow calls from certain numbers to still make the phone ring. Simple

Original poster

Madge55 · 19/03/2021 17:38

Thanks again. I'll look into the blocking her number thing at said times. I did google that before but couldn't find it so just assumed it couldn't be done.

OP posts:

sadie9 · 19/03/2021 17:52

She can't take a hint. You say she is 'incredibly kind' but she's also incredibly selfish and incredibly self-absorbed as well.
What she's doing is not 'relating' .
She waits for you to answer and then it all just vomits out on top of you. The pattern is that she tells you a story about herself being in emotional pain and your job is to listen. When she's 'done' she hangs up. It's a strategy she uses to cope with her emotional distress. Therefore you are being used as an object not as a person. You are a free listening service not a friend.
If you put up some boundaries she might notice more and respect you more.

Redglitter · 19/03/2021 17:57

I couldn't set my phone on silent as I was living on my own and I have an elderly mother

Put your phone on DND. When you go into your phone settings it allows you to set exceptions. Mine allows favourite contacts to get through, add your Mum etc to that

Although if you have a lsndline then I don't see why there's a problem switching your phone off. Let your Mum know to phone it if she can't get hold of you on your mobile

Cloudesley · 19/03/2021 18:04

Sounds like you dont already have "favourites" set up - why don't you add important people like your mum to favourites, and then when you set up do not disturb you will see the setting for "allow favourites" so that they will override the do not disturb. Just make sure you dont accidentally add your friend to favourites !

WhoAreYah · 19/03/2021 18:10

Turn your bloody phone off!

MeridianB · 19/03/2021 18:16

I agree she is not coming across as kind etc etc,

If she is out of crisis now then why does she need to speak to you (or anyone other than a therapist) for an hour every single day? If she still has problems then she could benefit from some professional help. If not then she doesn’t need daily therapy from you.

I think you have a choice - block/DND/similar her number every night and be honest if she questions it, or tell her again very seriously that this must stop and mean it, or keep talking to her. I agree with others that she won’t change. It sounds really hard going to the extent that your heart must sink when she calls.

NoPrivateSpy · 20/03/2021 07:18

Ohhhh OP, this is so hard for you. You do really need to sit her down I think. Tell her how much you used to value the friendship but that the daily phone calls are too much for you. Be honest and say you'd like them to stop.

If you have just moved, recently started a new job, you probably have a fair bit on your mind and it's exhausting dealing with some one else's shit too. Doesn't mean it's uncaring.

Her behaviour really isn't acceptable. She's got used to using you as an emotional crux to get her through her day and this is neither sustainable for you or for her. What would happen if you weren't there anymore?

She needs to develop other coping and support mechanisms. But I think you owe it to your friendship to tell her all of this. Tell her how you feel. She can't argue with your feelings. Maybe write them down if it's hard to explain to her?

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 20/03/2021 07:37

What kind of phone have you got? Someone on here will have it and be able to tell you how to set it up.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2021 11:32

This is an ongoing thing. I have told her I'm a terrible sleeper but she persists.

Have you explicitly said "I'm not a good sleeper so I can't take calls from anyone before (insert time here), just thought I would let you know as it means I won't answer before then."

You shouldn't have to spell it out but it sounds like you struggle to be direct and she either can't or won't read the social cues most of us would.

You need to be firm. It's madness that you keep answering, absolute madness and means you're enabling this to continue.

Come on OP, the mumsnet army is behind you! I agree with turning on DND for her but it would do you the world of good to use this as an exercise in being direct and clear about your boundaries.

If you say directly that you won't answer before xyz because it doesn't work for you and she keeps doing it, she's a pretty crap friend isn't she? So it's worth doing so you'll know if she's willing for friendship to be a two way street.

Don't be a wet blanket anymore.

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