Ex broke a mirror

Straightface · 2021-03-18T21:52:15+00:00

Really not sure where to start with this: on Sunday I told my exh that I’ve been seeing someone and I wanted our dd to spend time with me and new boyfriend. On Wednesday our dd was due to see her dad after school. I had a telephone conversation at lunchtime with him to check he was ok with the new bf situation and that he’d be positive about it to our dd. I told him that I’d already told our dd about new bf and she’d met him before I told her dad. He didn’t take this very well but assured me he’s ok to have her still. When I picked her up from school today, she said she’d walked into his house on Wednesday to see he’d broken the mirror in his living room, apparently he’d punched it (before she got there) because he was upset/ angry about the situation. Our dd is 9. I’m gutted for her that she’s been put in this position and that he couldn’t just be a grown up about this [sad] I think I’m going to email him tomorrow to say he can’t have her at the weekend, until he’s taken some time to accept the situation and calm down. Should she be able to go to his again? She adores her dad [sad]

Shoxfordian · 18/03/2021 21:58

Has he been violent like this before? Do you have a court order in place?

Original poster

Straightface · 18/03/2021 21:59

He’s never been violent before, I’m surprised he did this. No court order.

OP posts:

C3SC · 18/03/2021 22:07

That sounds very upsetting and worrying Is he normally able to co-parent effectively with you?

Original poster

Straightface · 18/03/2021 22:13

We usually get by alright. The only real issue is that he drinks and can ramble on and talks about things that I think are inappropriate for a child. Such as he’s concerned when I get a boyfriend new BFF will take his place, he still loves me, misses us etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Straightface · 18/03/2021 22:14

*bf

OP posts:

mediumduboir · 18/03/2021 22:27

First of all you shouldn't be telling your ex to be onboard with you seeing someone new to your daughter. That was a strange thing to say. Your ex pinched the mirror before your daughter was there. Ppl punch things when angry, even I do it. Sometimes things break. Your daughter wasn't there so I don't see why your reacting?

Original poster

Straightface · 18/03/2021 22:32

Thanks for your opinion, actually most people don’t punch things

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 18/03/2021 22:37

Is this your first relationship since your split? Has your ex had girlfriends?
Your poor dd - she must be upset.

Original poster

Straightface · 18/03/2021 22:39

Yes first relationship, no he hasn’t.

OP posts:

rangersfc · 18/03/2021 22:43

@mediumduboir

First of all you shouldn't be telling your ex to be onboard with you seeing someone new to your daughter. That was a strange thing to say. Your ex pinched the mirror before your daughter was there. Ppl punch things when angry, even I do it. Sometimes things break. Your daughter wasn't there so I don't see why your reacting?

I don't agree with this at all. OP clearly had reason to think there might be issues here or she wouldn't have felt the need to check he was ok with the situation.

The father needs to be the adult in this situation, regardless of his personal feelings. It's not ok to show your kids that if you're angry with something breaking a mirror is an acceptable reaction.

If he's broken the mirror in anger, which is ridiculous in itself, he should have cleared it away before she came. If asked by his DD he should have said "ooops! Dad broke the mirror."

OP hopefully someone will be along with good advice for you. You can't control his behaviour but you can make sure that the interactions between your partner and your DD are really positive for her and taken slowly. Good luck

ProfMcGonigle · 18/03/2021 22:49

@mediumduboir

First of all you shouldn't be telling your ex to be onboard with you seeing someone new to your daughter. That was a strange thing to say. Your ex pinched the mirror before your daughter was there. Ppl punch things when angry, even I do it. Sometimes things break. Your daughter wasn't there so I don't see why your reacting?

Even YOU do it? Well, that's ok then

OK, back to normal life: No, people don't generally punch things in anger unless they have severe anger issues. Nice minimising of violent behaviour.

OP, he's clearly not on board with your new relationship so, rather than ask him to support it to his DD, maybe ask him to simply not demonstrate (and leave her evidence of) his toxic masculinity.

Seeing this is really damaging for your DD, even if she wasn't present when it happened. I'd be keeping her away from that environment until he understands that

WisnaeMe · 18/03/2021 22:49

@mediumduboir

First of all you shouldn't be telling your ex to be onboard with you seeing someone new to your daughter. That was a strange thing to say. Your ex pinched the mirror before your daughter was there. Ppl punch things when angry, even I do it. Sometimes things break. Your daughter wasn't there so I don't see why your reacting?

Im persuaded to agree with this Im afraid. 🌺

WisnaeMe · 18/03/2021 22:50

not breaking stuff, but controlling your Ex's response I agree with 🌺

Joinedjustforthispost · 18/03/2021 23:00

Without knowing the full picture we can’t comment properly. Have you been separated long? Was it mutual? It was obviously not a great sight for your poor dd to find and her dad shouldn’t have told a little girl an adult problem saying it’s why he smashed the window ! He should have said oh it’s fallen off the wall . I must admit you don’t seem to have handled the new boyfriend situation brilliantly I can see why your ex was upset . Can you imagine your ex saying oh by the way I’ve got a new girlfriend and dd has already met her and you also must encourage her to be pals with her ? I’d have told my ex that I was in a relationship and talked about how you are intending to introduce new partner to dd, not asking for permission obviously just giving him the heads up especially if dd reacted differently and was upset then your ex could help support dd and back you up.

C3SC · 18/03/2021 23:08

I don't punch things when I'm angry, I have in the past experimented with say punching a pillow but I found it very unsatisfying perhaps I'm just not a 'punchy' sort of person.
Punching a mirror sounds like rather an 'hysterical' thing to do!
the problem with seeking his permission (which is what you're doing when you phone him to take the he's ok with it) about your new boyfriend is that in doing so you are subordinating yourself to your ex
He is not your keeper and you should not have to ask his permission for anything. On the other hand if you are co-parenting it seems reasonable to discuss these things with him then again he's not a reasonable sort of person is he because he's whining about being replaced by a new partner of yours.
Are we to assume that he will be foregoing new partners for the same reason?

Original poster

Straightface · 18/03/2021 23:15

We split in 2018, divorced since end of 2019. It wasn’t really mutual but we are divorced, I’m free to have a new boyfriend and it’s not unseemingly hasty.

Yep in hindsight maybe should have told him first. Given his history of saying inappropriate stuff I felt he’d turn her against new bf before she met him. He’s done that anyway as bow she feels guilty having fun with new bf. So angry

OP posts:

Eckhart · 18/03/2021 23:15

@mediumduboir

First of all you shouldn't be telling your ex to be onboard with you seeing someone new to your daughter. That was a strange thing to say. Your ex pinched the mirror before your daughter was there. Ppl punch things when angry, even I do it. Sometimes things break. Your daughter wasn't there so I don't see why your reacting?

Oh dear. You punch things so you think everybody does.

They don't.

OP's daughter wasn't there, but her father made her party to the argument when he didn't need to; what he said means she may as well have been there. He could have told her he fell over into the mirror; she didn't have to know that it was an act of his fury about her mother.

Why shouldn't OP be making sure that ex is going to be ok with new relationship to their DD? Should she just be saying 'Oh yeah, Dad will be breaking glass for a bit, slating me, and saying it's my fault that he's being violent. Don't worry yourself'?

pallisers · 18/03/2021 23:20

everything Ekhart said. Normal people do not punch things and break mirrors when their ex has a new boyfriend. If they do - if YOU do - you have a problem.

Normal people (in the unlikely event they do punch a mirror from temper) don't tell their 9 year old why they did it. They pretend it was an accident so their 9 year old doesn't have to own all of the adult emotions and jealousies and worry about her father being violent if she does something he doesn't like.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/03/2021 23:26

@mediumduboir

Ppl punch things when angry, even I do it.

*It really, really isn't normal!

Eckhart · 18/03/2021 23:32

@mediumduboir

even I do it

What makes you think you are the pinnacle?

RightOnTheEdge · 18/03/2021 23:41

Wow! You've been split up for three years and he's reacting like this? He is totally wrong for telling your dd it was about the new bf.

Punching and smashing things is really not normal mediumduboir you might want to get help with that anger. I hope you and the people you know don't have kids about witnessing that behaviour.

OverTheRubicon · 18/03/2021 23:44

@pallisers

everything Ekhart said. Normal people do not punch things and break mirrors when their ex has a new boyfriend. If they do - if YOU do - you have a problem.

Normal people (in the unlikely event they do punch a mirror from temper) don't tell their 9 year old why they did it. They pretend it was an accident so their 9 year old doesn't have to own all of the adult emotions and jealousies and worry about her father being violent if she does something he doesn't like.

This.

gutful · 18/03/2021 23:48

@mediumduboir

"First of all you shouldn't be telling your ex to be onboard with you seeing someone new to your daughter. That was a strange thing to say. Your ex pinched the mirror before your daughter was there. Ppl punch things when angry, even I do it. Sometimes things break. Your daughter wasn't there so I don't see why your reacting? "

I don't punch things when angry & I also tend to agree with this.

To withold the child from her father seems like it's blowing this out of proportion.

How new is this boyfriend I wonder? Generally it's not advised to introduce kids to a "new" lover & OP makes several references that this boyfriend is new.

Why multiple calls to her ex to discuss new boyfriend ? That seems like it would be counterproductive & only fuel flames to a fire. While it's respectful to give the heads up about a new partner, it seems odd to make numerous calls to the ex specifically to discuss this new boyfriend.

He hasn't had a rage attack while the daughter was there. The daughter was not, according to this in any danger. The daughter herself does not according to this actually sound fearful - she has relayed information about dad to mum & now mum is deciding she shouldn't see dad this weekend till he calms down.

Wouldn't being kept from her father make the daughter feel put in the middle even more? It's not like she was crying because she got scared dad smashed a mirror. This event sounds like it is being twisted to suit OP - she wants to call the shots when it comes to the daughter. It's OK to introduce her to a new lover, it's OK to withold visitation from Dad....

Maybe her ex was infuriated that his daughter was being introduced to a new boyfriend who we don't even know is going to stick around?

At the end of the day you can't control what someone thinks or feels about your new boyfriend & even if he was badmouthing boyfriend to daughter - that can't be stopped. You can't control an ex's behaviour & thoughts, only manage yourself.

She sounds controlling - that's my take on it.

Original poster

Straightface · 19/03/2021 06:04

Thank you to the posters who’ve managed to articulate why I’m uncomfortable about this better than me. He’s put her straight in the middle of this - it’s so sad and I don’t know what to do from here but I think he should process his feelings himself not involve a 9 year old.

Ever since we’ve split he’s involved her too much in his issues which is why I was concerned about this.

He’s not a ‘new’ bf. I’ve known him since 2019 and we’ve been seeing each other since mid 2020 and of course I’ve made sure I’m confident as I can be that it’s going to last and he’s a good person. Ps it wasn’t multiple phone calls, not sure where you got that from.

OP posts:

Original poster

Straightface · 19/03/2021 06:08

I’m concerned he’s going to get drunk this weekend and continue to talk about this with her in what I consider inappropriate ways. I get that some people seem to think it’s ok to do that, but I personally don’t think adult emotions about things should be shared to full and dramatic extent with a child

OP posts: