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Original poster

Being called hysterical over this?? Seriously??

50 replies

thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 19:07

So my car currently won't start and today H wanted us to push it to a different spot on our (long-ish) driveway. (Long story as to why, not relevant to this post.)

Driveway slopes upwards very slightly. Only very slightly, but definitely not flat.

H is overweight, has a problem with his knees as a result, has a 100% sedentary lifestyle, zero exercise. Car is a particularly large and heavy one.

I've just been called hysterical, irrational and phobic for refusing to put him at risk by letting him attempt to push the car uphill (albeit only slightly uphill) while I steer.

No backstory, he literally just started on me out of the blue when I refused to help out because I didn't want him put at risk. He has a habit of behaving like this if he perceives my behaviour to be 'irrational'. We don't argue often, but when we do, I usually get called irrational at some point, and I get called hysterical too if I ever display more than a modicum of emotion.

How would you react to the above?

OP posts:
category12 · 18/03/2021 19:11

I'd be pissed off that he's using the word hysterical and that his go-to when you argue is to suggest you're too emotional.

Basically it's rooted in something sexist af and seems like he's dismissing you because woman. Does he ask you if you're on your period as well?

Wanderlusto · 18/03/2021 19:19

...arguabley 'gaslighting'. When you are behaving perfectly rationally and your decisions are perfectly logical but he doesn't agree with them and thinks only his opinions matter so you are suddenly 'crazy/irrational/oversensitive' ect...

It's a really shitty move on his part. Pretty damn arrogant and selfish of him tbh.

Original poster
thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 19:20

@category12

I'd be pissed off that he's using the word hysterical and that his go-to when you argue is to suggest you're too emotional.

Basically it's rooted in something sexist af and seems like he's dismissing you because woman. Does he ask you if you're on your period as well?

He did until I hit the menopause. Grin

That's what's got me fuming, though, the knee-jerk name-calling and accusations of hysteria. I can be emotional at times, but I'm neither hysterical nor irrational. Part of the problem is that he is unemotional to the point where it feels like living with a Vulcan when we disagree. We get along fine most of the time, but I detest the person he turns into when we argue.

OP posts:
AyyMacarena · 18/03/2021 19:23

Sounds like a lot of fuss over nothing. Let him try to push and he will either not be able to and go "fuck it" or be able to and it's fine. Why can't you push and he steers?

Easterbunnygettingready · 18/03/2021 19:24

Let him get squashed by a rolling back car. What a twerp..
*check his life insurance first...

Original poster
thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 19:25

@Wanderlusto

...arguabley 'gaslighting'. When you are behaving perfectly rationally and your decisions are perfectly logical but he doesn't agree with them and thinks only his opinions matter so you are suddenly 'crazy/irrational/oversensitive' ect...

It's a really shitty move on his part. Pretty damn arrogant and selfish of him tbh.

Thanks, I'm glad it's not just me, I absolutely do see gaslighting elements to this. Arrogance is definitely one of his character flaws, coupled with thinking he's right all the time, basically because he perceives himself as being 'more intelligent' than most people. (Picture the 'shrug' emoji here.)

Obviously I wouldn't still be here if this was a frequent occurrence (no DC) but every time we argue and he acts like this, it does get me questioning the marriage. Coming up on 18 years of marriage, but yeah. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 19:28

@AyyMacarena

Sounds like a lot of fuss over nothing. Let him try to push and he will either not be able to and go "fuck it" or be able to and it's fine. Why can't you push and he steers?
We've had this on a previous occasion where we did start off with him trying to push and it was obvious he couldn't do it.

I have health and mobility issues and pushing a heavy car is out of the question.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 18/03/2021 19:28

Well the brakes will still,work even on a non started car so I don’t think it’s dangerous. But he shouldn’t call you hysterical.

Wanderlusto · 18/03/2021 19:32

I'd let him do the car thing...with a bit of luck maybe it'll squish him.

AnotherKrampus · 18/03/2021 19:36

Is he well ensured? If yes, bless his lil cotton socks and let him push while you accidentally step on the brakes... Grin

Hollanda40 · 18/03/2021 19:39

@category12

I'd be pissed off that he's using the word hysterical and that his go-to when you argue is to suggest you're too emotional.

Basically it's rooted in something sexist af and seems like he's dismissing you because woman. Does he ask you if you're on your period as well?

My DH does that.

And tells me to calm down.

MarshmallowAra · 18/03/2021 19:43

From your description I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to get stuck caring for him if he has a minor heart attack or puts his back out.

At least at the moment you can leave the house to get away from him and he can feed etc himself.

AyyMacarena · 18/03/2021 20:21

Give him 10/10 for effort if he has already tried and failed! Why does he think he can do it now?

Fuckitsstillraining · 18/03/2021 20:36

It sounds like he's defensive because he knows he's overweight and unfit but doesn't to admit it. I think I'd tell him to go for it if he spike to me like that, let him struggle with the car, he'll eventually give up.

HollowTalk · 18/03/2021 20:48

Would he really prefer a wife who just upped the insurance and let him do that sort of thing? You are putting his health first, ffs. What's he shouting about!

Original poster
thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 20:55

Thanks peeps. These responses are pretty much in line with my thoughts on the matter - I'm just angry about it on all sorts of levels atm really.

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 18/03/2021 20:55

I'd let him do it. See how clever he is then.

Theunamedcat · 18/03/2021 21:00

Ask him what's changed since the last time he tried and failed because unless he has got fitter or the car has got lighter he will fail again

Whatabambam · 18/03/2021 21:08

I think you touched on his ego, albeit with out meaning to do so. It's still not an excuse for his behaviour. He's obviously sensitive about the shape he is in. He needs to get a grip of his own self care and confidence

BuggerBognor · 18/03/2021 22:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 22:52

@Whatabambam

I think you touched on his ego, albeit with out meaning to do so. It's still not an excuse for his behaviour. He's obviously sensitive about the shape he is in. He needs to get a grip of his own self care and confidence
I think you're on the money there. He is sensitive about the shape he is in, the frustrating thing is he'll never ever admit to vulnerability of any kind. Which I understand, but it's a heck of a lot harder to be sympathetic when he's behaving like this... (he's now stropped off to bed without a word to me, which is his MO when he knows he's in the wrong and won't admit it.)

It's a good job he's not often like this, that's all I can say.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 18/03/2021 22:55

Buy a Reliant. Even I, a five foot, seven and a half stone woman can push a dead one.

gutful · 18/03/2021 23:04

I think your reaction was over the top & he felt belittled to not be "allowed" to push the car.

Having dodgy knees isn't a reason to not try. How will he ever lose weight if he isn't actually "allowed" to be active? Is he only allowed to engage in phyisical activities which you approve of?

Pushing the car sounds like it was a neccessity at the time, as your car was stuck.

At the end of the day he knows his body better than you do & it sounds yes "hysterical" to not allow a fully grown man to push a car up a slight incline while you steer the wheel.

I am 5 foot & have pushed a car to clutch start it. It's really not that hard & maybe he is capable of more than you give him credit for. He didn't have a chance to even try, you stopped him having a go.

I don't see how your response would actually help an overweight person empower themselves. You've just reiterated that he is too fat to be useful or do anything - you have treated a fat person like he has a disability!

Original poster
thatsgotit · 18/03/2021 23:23

@gutful

I think your reaction was over the top & he felt belittled to not be "allowed" to push the car.

Having dodgy knees isn't a reason to not try. How will he ever lose weight if he isn't actually "allowed" to be active? Is he only allowed to engage in phyisical activities which you approve of?

Pushing the car sounds like it was a neccessity at the time, as your car was stuck.

At the end of the day he knows his body better than you do & it sounds yes "hysterical" to not allow a fully grown man to push a car up a slight incline while you steer the wheel.

I am 5 foot & have pushed a car to clutch start it. It's really not that hard & maybe he is capable of more than you give him credit for. He didn't have a chance to even try, you stopped him having a go.

I don't see how your response would actually help an overweight person empower themselves. You've just reiterated that he is too fat to be useful or do anything - you have treated a fat person like he has a disability!

I didn't couch it to him as being about his weight - that info is on here for context, it's not what I said to him.

All the advice I have ever heard about pushing a car says never attempt to do it on an incline. I absolutely disagree that it would have been OK to try. The car's a Citroen C6 and I believe they're unusually heavy. Even if H had been fit as a fiddle, I wasn't willing to end up being responsible if something went wrong, and I'd have applied the same logic if he wasn't overweight.

The car wasn't actually stuck, it wasn't essential to push it. (long story, not really relevant)

Nice bit of jumping to conclusions and misogyny ('it sounds yes "hysterical") though, well done.

OP posts:
gutful · 18/03/2021 23:31

You used the term hysterical & check the amount of exclamation + question marks in your post - it does come across that way personally.

Do you think your husband will have had no idea why you refused to let him push the car? You say it was because of his weight but essentially covered that up (i.e lied about reasons why he shouldn't push the car)

It sounds like you know the guidelines for pushing a car suggest the hill must be a bigger incline. You admit there was only a slight incline. So it's unlikely the car would have rolled back on top of him. It wasn't actually a "hill"

Is anyone who disagrees with you a "mysogynist" or are other women allowed to have their own opinions here?