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Original poster

Holidays with inlaws.

43 replies

Lullaby88 · 18/03/2021 15:32

We have a toddler and a little one on the way. With out toddler we went abroad just the 3 of us. She was teething and it was our first time travelling with her. She cried a lot on the plane. The holiday was nice in the sense that we had some space away from the chaos of life and people in general. But it wasnt really relaxing as mu toddler needed a lot of attention and was crying/unsettled.
My husband has said the next time we go away esp with the 2 we will go with his parents as they can help us out aswel. Im not sure how i feel about it because im not fully comfortable with them coming along. But then it could turn out to be very relaxing aswel as we would have childcare om tap tbh and me and husband can relax. But we cant ignore his parents can we and in all honesty i feel drained being with them they chatter non stop arent great listeners. But are good grandparents. Can someone advice me. This will all happen post covid by th way. And will be a much needed break so dont want it to turn hellish with the inlaws as itl piss me off that iv waited this long. My husband will love having his parents there so for him its a non issue. Please advice.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 18/03/2021 15:46

You could test it out one time I suppose, give a go but tell you DH this is a test run, if you're not comfortable with it you won't do it again. Don't go for more than a week either

Swordfish1 · 18/03/2021 15:46

Sounds ok in principle in terms of the childcare, as long as they know they are going with you in order to provide childcare. If they are not aware of this, then I think they might be a bit miffed when arriving on the holiday and the 2 of you swan off leaving them with the kids. So best to be clear right from the outset.

I have holidayed with in-laws, but it wasn't specifically for childcare but I did think they would be a help with the dc. They weren't. Not in the least. And insisted on doing everything together. And doing everything their way. It was a nightmare. They did babysit one evening for a couple of hours after dc went to bed, when dp asked if they would so we could get a romantic dinner somewhere. It wasn't worth the 10 days with them though, seriously stressful!

LadyDanburysHat · 18/03/2021 15:49

If you don't enjoy spending time with your inlaws, don't do this. And as others have said, would they really want to do all your childcare. You will just end up as a big group the whole time. It won't be relaxing.

2021youpromisedyoudbebetter · 18/03/2021 16:25

We are doing a holiday with my in laws post covid, it's actually with all of my husbands family and just for a week in the UK. I enjoy spending time with my in laws and they havent seen our child an awful lot due to the pandemic so kinda doing this as a trial run to see what it would be like if we do it maybe abroad again in the future

Mum4Fergus · 18/03/2021 16:31

Id pack DH and DC off with the in-laws for a trial run...let him tell you all about it when he gets home Wink

pog100 · 18/03/2021 16:42

It depends entirely on the emotional intelligence of the in laws and to some extent the relationship of your DH to them. If you think they will be able to spend days or half days not in your company, will do some genuinely helpful childminding and your husband feels able to communicate openly with them what is and isn't reasonable, then go for it. We were lucky enough to have the above and they were definitely overall positive, though of course having 4 adults is never as easy as 2. If you have any qualms about the above I'd either not risk is or go in knowing it might not be any help/be worse.

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/03/2021 16:45

I'm my experience this ends up with my husband spending lots of time with his parents and me feeling left out. We now do short breaks with us in separate accommodation.

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 18/03/2021 16:49

Thanks for all the advice.
They are very very hands on with the kids. Theyre itching to take over. Infact itl be their dream just to spend the whole holiday with the kids. It can feel like they almost want to take over with the kids sometimes too. Id want it to be balanced holiday though as i love my kid and my unborn child. My nightmare would be staying with them 24/7 through the trip. My husband is close to his parents and i think he wouldnt mind spending a lot of time with them. I just dont want friction on holiday.

OP posts:
piglet81 · 18/03/2021 16:50

Do they know you’re seeing them as ‘childcare on tap’? Will you be paying for their holiday?

Spillanelle · 18/03/2021 17:04

We’ve been having the same debate, it would be handy to have the support with childcare but just don’t think I can take a week or two with the non-stop chatter from MIL and them wanting to do absolutely everything together 24/7. It wouldn’t feel like a break so feels a bit pointless. We’ve settled on a long weekend break with them this summer to test the water, I think I’m going to find even that hard work.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2021 17:07

Are his parents aware that their son is expecting them to provide free childcare on their holiday?

Bibidy · 18/03/2021 17:25

I definitely wouldn't holiday with them if you find them difficult company and the sole reason is meant to be to give you a break.

If your DP really wanted a holiday with them then I'd say you should suck it up and go from time-to-time, but if he wants to go so they can reduce the stress but you feel they'd actually be making it more stressful for you then I'd say no.

muckyhoover · 18/03/2021 17:32

My advice would be that if you're not sure about this it's a good sign that it won't work for you. Unless you, your DH and your inlaws are all on the same page about what to expect it is likely to quite stressful. We went away with my MIL when DD1 was small and expected it to be a fantastic break for everyone. I have friends who do this regularly and I was looking forward to something similar- some time as a big group, some as separate families and a bit of child care so we could have a break. The reality was that PIL wanted to spend every waking minute with us. Added to this, they were not willing to change their routine at all so between their slow getting ready, changing and feeding DC and their required meal times we didn't get much time to actually go anywhere. I felt like I needed another holiday to get over it.

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 18/03/2021 17:45

I do feel quite stressed thinking about it to be honest. Maybe the long weekend idea might be better and not too far away. So if its a nightmare it wont be a long lived one. I think theyd know we would expect that support and would help. Iv never been away with them but FIL can be quite controlling at times and that bothers me as i feel i cant over rule him out of respect.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/03/2021 18:02

@Aquamarine1029

Are his parents aware that their son is expecting them to provide free childcare on their holiday?
Quite. And if that was all I was wanted for I wouldn't be going!
Onthemaintrunkline · 18/03/2021 18:05

After reading your doubts and reluctance, if you know how it’s going to play out I’d say don’t go away with them. Going on holiday with PIL is generally a compromise, it won’t just be your holiday. If they help with childcare that’s a bonus.

SJaneS49 · 18/03/2021 18:24

I’m going to disagree and say give it a go. Sometimes we need to make compromises - your DH wants them to come and they want to come. Don’t build the problems up in your head as you’ll be pissed off with them and DH before you even set off.

We’ve not holidayed with the IL but then they never go anywhere. We had a number of holidays with my parents, usually at properties they’d hired. DH likes them but over a period of time, even I’ll admit they are a bit full on. What we agreed is that we didn’t spend all of our days or evenings together - there were joint days out but also days in which we all did stuff we’d prefer to do. They usually babysat as well one or two nights. By having distance, we didn’t all get on top of each other and enjoyed spending time together when we did. Could this kind of arrangement work for you OP?

SometimesMaybe · 18/03/2021 19:02

Long weekend in the UK is perfect for this. My in laws and parents are brilliant but I couldn’t face a full week or two with anyone other than DH and DC.
We have done lots of long weekends - either all staying in one house or in centre parks type places with lodges next to one another. Means that they can do the grandparent thing and I don’t get annoyed at
Being smothered/being together all the time.

Tillytwilight · 18/03/2021 19:15

After a few stressful and exhausting overseas holidays when DC1 was a toddler, we decided to just stop big holidays until DC2 is 4. Then they’re so much easier to manage.

Since we’ve just done visits to family or UK mini breaks. When we’ve previously been away with PIL and BIL and SILs, they usually chill out completely whilst DH and I tag team with the DCs. Fair enough. Our next big family holiday will be overseas (not till early next year). Our kids are a bit older now, so should be easy and good company. It will be BIL/SIL running about after their toddler and I’ll be lounging about 😂

Elmer83 · 18/03/2021 19:40

Don’t start it if you’re unsure! I made the mistake of giving it a go and it’s horrendous! My horrible sister in law (who is nearly 36) comes along too and shares a room with her parents! It’s become a standard yearly event now. Wish I’d never agreed to the first holiday!

Mindymomo · 18/03/2021 19:55

I went on holiday first with my in laws a year before I had my first child. We got on well and had a great time. This was the first of many holidays with them both in the uk and europe and they also came to Florida twice when my children were under 10 years old. After that we started cruising on our own, but still had a UK holiday with the in laws. They were good company and my 2 boys loved them being with us and we have really good memories now that they have passed away.

billy1966 · 18/03/2021 20:00

I certainly wouldn't do a week, a 3 night weekend would be more than enough.

Make sure the accommodation is spacious with ensuites so that you don't feel ye are on top of each other.

Make it perfectly clear to your husband you are not committing to a regular thing, this may be a once off.

Your FIL being bossy is concerning.
If you feel a consequence of a holiday would be you are allergic to him then don't do it. It will cause an unnecessary rift.

Tell your husband this.

I don't like bossy people so if your FIL is very dominant, don't go there.

Chamomileteaplease · 19/03/2021 06:32

First of all get it into your head that holidays with toddlers/small children are not holidays! As you discovered, they are the same work in a different place. Some things will be better, some worse. You just have to accept this for a few years.

Great idea to do the UK long weekend first. But also make sure you and your dh are on the same page before you go. If he is imagining spending the whole 72 hours with his parents and you are imagining getting away from them every afternoon then it isnt' going to work.

Also, a controlling FIL doesn't sound good. On holiday there are so many decisions to make aren't there? When to leave the house in the morning, when to eat, where to eat, when to get back. Where the kids have their nap, when they have their nap. When to go back to the house. Ad finitem.

Good luck!!

CyberdyneSystems · 19/03/2021 06:46

Childcare on tap? I wouldn't bank on that, it would be their holiday too

We went away with dd four months old at the time and il's and they had her for a few hours twice in a week

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2021 06:46

I would not go on holiday with your in-laws under any circumstances particularly given that your Fil is controlling. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. Does he respect you?. I would say not