Holidays with inlaws.

[Lullaby88]

We have a toddler and a little one on the way. With out toddler we went abroad just the 3 of us. She was teething and it was our first time travelling with her. She cried a lot on the plane. The holiday was nice in the sense that we had some space away from the chaos of life and people in general. But it wasnt really relaxing as mu toddler needed a lot of attention and was crying/unsettled.
My husband has said the next time we go away esp with the 2 we will go with his parents as they can help us out aswel. Im not sure how i feel about it because im not fully comfortable with them coming along. But then it could turn out to be very relaxing aswel as we would have childcare om tap tbh and me and husband can relax. But we cant ignore his parents can we and in all honesty i feel drained being with them they chatter non stop arent great listeners. But are good grandparents. Can someone advice me. This will all happen post covid by th way. And will be a much needed break so dont want it to turn hellish with the inlaws as itl piss me off that iv waited this long. My husband will love having his parents there so for him its a non issue. Please advice.

I wouldn't do it, I don't like compromising on holiday and that's all you would end up doing. Book a holiday with a decent kids club/nursery if you need time out but we always just looked after the children ourself and took it in turns to entertain them.

I would never go on holiday with grandparents, never, ever.

First of all get it into your head that holidays with toddlers/small children are not holidays! As you discovered, they are the same work in a different place. Some things will be better, some worse. You just have to accept this for a few years.
This!!
Your days of sitting back on hols are over for a bit! Holidays with toddlers are exhausting, after that is more fun but very different.
I feel a bit sorry for your in-laws, you'd have to do at least 50/50 of the childcare.

If it’s just for childcare I’d expect to pay for them. But many people would also think it very rude to be asked on a holiday with their child and partner jsut for childcare. We wouldn’t do this, and expect dhs parents would feel used (which would be the truth here wouldn’t it?)

It would only be fair if alternative years you go with your parents. Would he fancy that? I agree go for weekends instead.

We always holiday with either my parents or DH’s, means we get a break from the kids and go out a few evenings just the two of us as they are happy to babysit. Have a chat to them about it before you book anything. ‘Would you mind taking kids for a few hours so that we can go snorkelling?’ ‘Would you mind taking the kids for an evening so we can check out this fancy restaurant?’ If they say no, we want to stay together all the time then it’s going to be a bit claustrophobic! But I’m sure they will want their space too.

A long weekend as a test run
Align with your DP ahead of time on expectations
Make sure the place is big enough ie 4 bed so you guys aren't squashed on top of each other
Try and relax

I would do a weekend break somewhere like Center Parcs, preferably with 2 separate apartments. Talk about your expectations before you go, so maybe book some activities for you/them.

I used to go on holiday with my parents so that we could ALL have a good holiday. My DH and I because we were guaranteed some child free time, and my parents because they got to spend quality time with both us and their beloved grandchildren.

The key to this, I found, was making sure we ;

1. Stayed in separate apartment sites, but 5-10 mins walk away.(my parents would use our portable playpen for kids to sleep in)
2. Decided before we left what nights my parents would have the kids.
3. Had some days where we wouldn't meet up at all.
4. Had some days which we spent all together.
5. Many days we met after breakfast and went to the pool or for a day trip somewhere.. When the kids were tired they either slept in the portable playpen in the shade (which I always took to the poolside with us ! It's a godsend !)or my parents would enjoy going for a walk with the buggies while DH and I stayed by the pool.

Basically we deliberately set the ground rules BEFORE we even booked.

We really enjoyed these holidays when the kids were small, because we all knew what to expect. We found that staying in the same complex meant we were too 'on top of each other' and never really got child free time because the kids would see us and want to come over etc, or we felt 'obliged' to eat all our meals together because we were in the same place etc.

If you pre-plan, and actually TALK to his parents about what you and they would like, you may just get an ideal holiday

It won’t be a break for you with in-laws if you don’t get on great. They will simply insist on doing everything together and you won’t get a proper break, or the family time you want.

If you want to include them, do a 3 night stay in the uk. See how it goes. Just be prepared to do everything with them and let them take over etc.

Holidays with kids are difficult. If they are young and need naps, you’ll know from experience it’s just a lot of waiting out the afternoon in a small hotel room. My suggestion would be a euro camp style holiday or apartment. Go self catering. That way, you can eat when it suits you, sit on a balcony whilst the kids nap. There will be more space. French campsites are awesome. Places like centre parcs are too. You want space and alone time, so sack off fancy hotels.

Plus, if you do take the in-laws, they would have to stay in a separate static home or similar, so much better for keeping distance.

Pick a place with a pool and on-site restaurant etc. Much more fun that way, as there’s room for the kids to run about, your own room and lots of on-site activities. Having an extra pair of eyes on the kids by the pool is handy, but you won’t be free to relax.

Do you have siblings? Might be more fun to go with people your own age.

I’ve been away with my parents, and with the in-laws. Great to have the memories for the kids, but I did feel a bit claustrophobic from having to do things together all the time, and I think we only had one night off! It was a bit testing at times, but I would do it again.

Would you pay for their holiday? How much childcare would you want/ expect them to do ?
A few years ago , DH and I were on holiday in Spain and there was a family who had brought Granny along for childcare . I got talking to her one day and she admitted she was exhausted and hadn’t appreciated how tiring it would be looking after 2 youngsters in the heat. She had been very hands on at home.
She had raised it with her DS and SIL but they felt that as they had paid , she should be happy to look after the DC.

We did a holiday last year with in laws, my parents, and both sets of siblings, not one of them offered to look after our little one despite the promise to before we went so if you want them to provide childcare make sure they agree as it led to quite a stressful holiday in the end keeping everyone and our little one happy!

100's of families of 4 or more (and that's the parents and the kids not just the number of kids) go on holidays every year....without needing the assistance of the grandparents.
It reads as though your DH couldn't manage with his own kids so he calls in backup in the guise of his parents so he can defer to his mother or father for help.
I don't know your family situation but what would happen if you said "Fantastic idea DH. I'll get my parents to come along too so they can help out too". If it's ok for him to bring his parents along for childcare purposes, you should be able to bring yours along too.
Personally speaking I think you need to have a discussion about how much parenting your DH will be doing at home, no holiday, just around the house, because there really shouldn't be that much of a difference if you're going abroad and you need to be in an airport or in a resort. Is he going to call his parents in while you're at home because he needs help as well? It could be overwhelming him at the moment but he needs to remember that there are already 4 pairs of hands and two heads (yours and his) to be able to manage.
I would try and pick a holiday location that has an onsite kids club because don't forget that it is a holiday for the kids too. They can be looked after for an hour or 90 minutes in the morning and the same in the afternoon. Some locations have activities that children can do on top of that so you get plenty of time to sit by the pool and look after the baby while your elder child takes part in these activities.
I remember watching my son learn to swim while we were on holidays in Lanzarote years ago. He's a strong swimmer now and I put that down to the great start he got in the sunshine where he could swim whenever he wanted to so long as we were by the pool.
Sorry for rambling on but I do think you need to chat with your DH long before any holiday trip is booked.

Once you've had kids, holidays are not for you. They're for the kids. They're tiring and they can be boring too. We've been in this situation and just accepted it. It gets easier as they get older, but if me and DH want a meal to ourselves, it has to be in the holiday apartment after the kids have gone to bed.

I feel like just blank out saying no i dont want to is being a bit stubborn if i havent even tried. dh is good with the kids think he needs a break though after all this lockdown stuff we have just been joint at the hip. I think from reading all the comments a good compromise would be a short trip in europe or the UK. its not something we would keep and doing my husband knows i can only tolerate his parents in short bursts. Hes the same with mine. So it would be that something we tick off the list really and once its done its done.

Alternatively, because you said your pils are keen to have the kids, you and dh could go by yourselves for a city break or short holiday and leave the kids with the pils in your house?

Another thing we did with both PILs and my parents when my DS was young was holiday near where they were staying and overlap for part of their holiday. So we had some time with them but also had days on our own eg went to Scilly Isles for a week, my DP were staying there for a fortnight, so we overlapped some of the time. Stayed on different islands, so sea and a boat trip between us! We spent 3 days of the week seeing them and the rest of the week was our time. So still meant we had our own family holiday but also meant GPs had some quality time with us and DS. Did similar, but different location with PIL.

Always checked with them first so didn't just invade their holiday. Both sets of parents lived a reasonable distance from us, so we didn't see them that regularly, so it was nice for them to have this special time with DS.

We didn't do this for every holiday, but just occasionally and always in UK.

I think I would start with a long weekend and see how you get on. You might end up seriously stressed being stuck abroad with a couple of chatterboxes taking over your life!!!!