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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

handhold please i’ve called a lawyer

26 replies

MadgeMidgerson · 18/03/2021 00:52

i started another thread a while ago about leaving a nearly 20 year marriage - my husband and i have drifted apart, haven’t been intimate in 10 years, he contributes little financially and otherwise etc.

after a lot of thinking and dithering i realised things are not going to get better, only stay the very same, and i don’t want to live like this anymore.

i don’t hold out any great hope of finding a partner in future but being alone seems better than being terrifically lonely.

i have gotten in touch with a lawyer i spoke to over the summer to see about starting some kind of separation proceedings.

if anyone can be kind and hold my hand through this i would really appreciate it - i still feel selfish for putting myself first, and worried that i am blowing up my life.

OP posts:
Ardvark111 · 18/03/2021 01:04

Hi I'm sorry to hear your long term marriage coming to a end,!! I hope you can both remain civil to each other during and after divorce proceedings and both find happiness again in the future, think of your life as a blank canvas and to design how you want your future to look like,!! x

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 18/03/2021 01:08

Being alone is amazing

It's tough to make any big transition. But it's all to give you the life you really want and that you deserve x

Mintychococolate · 18/03/2021 01:08

Good for you! Remember a solicitor isn't going to have your guilt and sense of obligation. Please promise me that a) you choose a tough and savvy solicitor not a limp lettuce and b) you follow their advice and don't feel all sorry for him etc.

Life can be very very difficult without money for retirement and medical treatment. It can be unbearable without the means to enjoy it. Don't be another money martyr. Money DOES matter and giving it all to him won't make this divorce easier. You can do it.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 18/03/2021 01:23

thank you all - all our assets are in my name bc he would have pissed through them by now.

i have a reasonably secure job which earns enough to pay for everything (i already do now, barring groceries and was doing that up til september) so i think i will be fine money wise.

i want to be fair but not stupid. the lawyer is v good and came recommended.

it is good to hear that being alone is amazing; i sure hope so. i worry about him as he has no friends or interests outside of his phone.

OP posts:
coffeeandjuice · 18/03/2021 01:36

Agree, alone is so much better than lonely.

Well done for taking this huge step; leaving is such a brave thing to do and you should be proud of yourself for finding the inner strength to make like changes that will ultimately make you both happier.

Agree with other posters that you should be careful financially that you don't give away too much; let the lawyers make the head decisions on your behalf if necessary!

My advice is to keep the eye on the bigger picture; you're going through this process now for a life you want in a few months and the journey to that point might be tough. Endure the journey, I'm sure the destination will be worth it!

loveyourself2020 · 18/03/2021 01:58

I just wanted to say that I am in the same boat. I have been married for 25 years but I have not been happy for a very long time. Finally decided enough is enough and started taking counseling and considering separation. The feeling is awful and there is so much anxiety and guilt, but I know that once it is all over that i will be much, much happier person.

Mamamamasaurus · 18/03/2021 02:27

No advice OP, but you are fantastically brave, you've got this Flowers

Eekay · 18/03/2021 02:32

I remember you. Bloody well done. You are so, so right to do this. Keep posting whenever you need courage. There will always be someone about for reassurance and a handhold Flowers
All power to you.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 18/03/2021 02:50

Go for it, why spend another minute, hour, year trapped in this dynamic of unhappiness !?

You sound bloody fantastic !!!!

In short time, some decent guy will snap you up, love you, care for you, respect you, desire you and listen to you and laugh with you.....

WisnaeMe · 18/03/2021 02:54

great move OP 🌺

faithfulbird20 · 18/03/2021 04:57

Hope you're okay, don't feel guilty, you're only putting yourself first because he put himself first for so many years. Good on you!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 18/03/2021 05:20

It's time you put you first. You deserve a new life, so no guilt. You've got this.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 18/03/2021 17:53

thank you all so very much. i could have done this earlier, tbqh and it is scary taking the steps. i feel quite sneaky and like i am going behind his back. we will have to have the talk soon.

if any of you have been through it, do you have any advice for me on how to do that (the talk i mean). i worry he will try to argue me out if it.

OP posts:
Mintychocolate · 18/03/2021 18:04

Please try to leave the talk as long as you can. The talk is nothing more than a warning giving him time to fuck you over. I know it sounds cold but I would be tempted to do it by letter once everything was organised. A calm, fair and un sentimental letter giving him a list of whys. Explaining you need space and arranging an appointment outside the home to discuss any details later (after a week or so).

When he's out I would pack his stuff and book him an air bnb for 2 nights. Change the locks. Yes you're not allowed but people do it all the time, Make sure he had the letter that day and send him a text telling him there is a letter he needs to read. Send his stuff on somewhere and make sure he had a family member of friend around if possible.

A conversation is just asking for trouble. You don't get a chance to speak and he will just pull his usual crap on you. You don't need that.

Itstimetoquit · 18/03/2021 18:06

Agree being alone is a great feeling, stay strong x

Fabiofatshaft1 · 18/03/2021 20:56

@MadgeMidgerson

Less is more.

When the talk eventually comes, don’t try to reason or argue with him, just monosyllabic answers.......

Be resolute. A fantastic future awaits you !!!!

Him: Do you really want a divorce?
You: Yes.
Him: What about A, B, C ?
You: I’ve got a solicitor on it, you should get one, too
Him: I’ll fight you all the way
You: Go for it
Him: Can’t we work it out ?
You: No, I want a divorce. My solicitor is on it.
You: It’s over. There is no more to be said.

Alcemeg · 18/03/2021 21:20

Congratulations from the bottom of my heart, @MadgeMidgerson! That's such a brave step and you've done it.

Of course it's going to be worth it. A new life awaits you!

Be prepared for your mind to play tricks on you. There will be times when you would do anything not to have come to this decision, and you'll waver. It's a bit like a fitness regimen, though, if you fall off the wagon you just get back on it Smile

I'd strongly recommend Daphne Rose Kingma's "Coming Apart" as a book that will hold your hand through all this. There are some excellent exercises at the end of it -- questions you can work through to help make sense of it all so that you can face the future with more confidence.

X

Wakingup55643 · 19/03/2021 00:15

Good for you @MadgeMidgerson !!!! I'm so pleased you've made the decision and taken the first step. Totally holding your hand, cos I want to come with you! X

goody2shooz · 19/03/2021 07:49

@MadgeMidgerson - oh well done you! The first step to a better life.... Please fight feeling sneaky or that you’re ‘going behind his back’, this is the man who’s been draining you financially and emotionally for years. If it helps, make a list of the reasons why you’re leaving, and refer to it if you feel you’re down playing or minimising your unhappiness. Once you’ve had a thorough discussion with a good divorce lawyer, perhaps you’d be more comfortable leaving the telling him bit til you’re ‘sorted’, as in know, you what’s the probable outcome/where you stand/where you want to live. But before you DO tell him, practice beforehand, and don’t get drawn in to a discussion or justify your decision. It’s decided, this marriage is over, end of. ( If he wants to discuss it he can WRITE you a list of what he does that makes the r/s so wonderful!) And perhaps make sure you both tell the children together, and as soon as possible after The Conversation.
Best wishes 💐

Ardvark111 · 20/03/2021 00:24

Re the talk just tell him the truth no matter how much it may hurt him.
there is a old saying ideally in courts 😂 * the truth will set you free,!! Good luck the rest of your life and new chapters awaits you

Alcemeg · 20/03/2021 10:28

How are you getting on, @MadgeMidgerson?

i worry about him as he has no friends or interests outside of his phone.

I just wanted to say, the hardest thing for you will be to stop worrying about him and start paying more attention to your own needs.

As someone said to me when I was going through all that, "You're used to doing everything for him, including feeling his feelings."

And in reality we don't know how they're feeling. What looks miserable to us might be perfectly OK to them. He might prefer his phone for company. He'll find his own way forward that suits him. try to just focus on your own. (Easier said than done, I know, after a lifetime's habit!)

Dery · 20/03/2021 10:47

What @Alcemeg said is bang on.

It’s natural for you to worry about him but life is not a dress rehearsal, this is your one shot - please don’t waste it by sacrificing yourself on his altar. The temporary pain and discomfort of this part of the journey will be massively compensated for by being able to live your life as you wish.

You won’t regret this. I’ve read hundreds, probably thousands, of posts from people saying they wish they had left sooner. I don’t recall any posters wishing they had stayed longer.

Alcemeg · 20/03/2021 15:19

Agreed, @Dery! It's true, once we recover, we all seem to wonder what on earth took us so long Confused Smile

if any of you have been through it, do you have any advice for me on how to do that (the talk i mean). i worry he will try to argue me out if it.

@MadgeMidgerson, of course he will try to argue you out of it! And he will know exactly which buttons to push.

I was so scared of telling my ex-husband that guess what, I did it by fax!!!!! Something he never let me forget, as it seemed to prove how unhinged I was.

I kept a very detailed diary throughout the months of our split, and re-read it recently. It was awful to see how much I just went round and round in circles of confusion and self-doubt.

He managed to talk me into staying and trying harder to make things work... but I realised pretty soon that my heart just wasn't in it.

I thought that happened just once, but when re-reading the diary, I discovered with shock that it actually happened three times. Three times over, he persuaded me not to be silly and I capitulated. And then changed my mind again. Needless to say, all this just made an unbearable situation even more so. Having to keep reliving my own personal Hell.

All that uncertainty, though, doesn't mean I was doing the wrong thing. Not at all! It just meant I needed more faith in my own judgement. But the gradual process of gaining healthy self-confidence could only begin by leaving a relationship that destroyed it.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 20/03/2021 18:16

thank you all - i am doing okay, and haven’t had any major wobbles.

i had talked to the lawyer over the summer - i was really impressed and she came highly recommended by someone i trust and when i didn’t proceed then, my case file was closed.

so when i emailed last week to reopen it i was messaged by her PA that she wasn’t taking on any new clients - i didn’t want to shop around for someone new, so i rang and long story short, i am getting her paperwork for signing and paying the retainer on monday hopefully.

since i control the finances and have my own money he won’t know i am doing this thank god. i don’t want it to be a coronary inducing moment of shock but i also don’t want to give him time for fuckery.

i have been reading and thinking a lot and i found something that resonated: someone doesn’t have to be abusive or a villain to not be right for you.

this was something it took me a long time to come to terms with, because he is neither. but he is not for me

OP posts:
Liveyourbestlife123 · 20/03/2021 18:57

Madgemidgerson, i am in the same position. No violence / financial abuse etc but it just hasn't been right. I have raised the issues and been persuaded a couple if times to stay, i have been very open and honest with DH now and i have stuck to my guns and said i am not prepared to back down / stay. It just got harder and harder for me not to say something.

I feel very guilty and sad, but i do know its best in the long term. We are getting on ok, it has taken time to get to this point but we are currently still living in the same house so need to get on for the DC.

I would recomend beung open and honest and using every once of energy to remain calm, even if he isnt. I hope your plans go smoothly, if you need to chat feel free to PM too.