Missing my cheating ex husband

[Soniapa]

Been divorced 2 years. Me and my ex have child together. We always got on amazing, never argued. But one day I found out he was cheating (even went on holidays with another woman). He regretted it and cried. Begged me to go counselling with him and that he will never do it again. I decided to divorce him. I’ve been dating for a past year and it’s been going terribly. I really miss my ex husband - I can’t find even close connection I had with him. Tonight he was over to play with our child and I enjoyed him being around so much. Did I make a mistake? Could Cheater change? Should I take him back? Or am I just lonely please send me some strength will I ever find connection I had with him again (obviously not completely same) ?

He regretted being found out and cried you mean . To go on holiday with someone else is something else !! Does he want to get back together ?

Your story isn't a million miles away from mine with the cheating ex, not a chance I'd take him back though. Can you imagine living the rest of your life not being able to trust where he said he was every time he was late back from work, or out for a drink with his friends? I'd rather be single forever...

I think he would . He stayed hanging around even after our child went to bed (waiting for me to come to living room). Few months ago he said he wants me back

Take the rose tinted glasses off, it's easier to remember the good times and when you don't see him everyday, you're seeing him at his best. What he did was so deceptive to you. I understand that being on your own is hard and it's lonely but remember your self worth and what you deserve.
It's a big risk to go back and find yourself back to square one again.

We can't sometimes control our thoughts but to put it bluntly he wasn't thinking of / missing you when he was cheating,!!

The only reason you miss him is because you havent met your hot, solvent, caring, protective, loyal partner yet.

Once you do you’ll look at your ex like the arse he is and think thank fuck I’m with xx now.

But in the meantime you’re lonely and fed up and thinking all the good ones have been taken and I’m never going to have a half decent boyfriend ever again perhaps I’m better with the devil I know, he’s not THAT bad I suppose etc....

For me I’d not go back.

Up to you if you want to forgive him. But you’d need to trust him. Could you?

My ex never wanted to split up with me, but he also didn't want to be faithful. You can't trust the guy.

Living without trust is like eating a little bit of glass with every meal.

You didn’t get on that amazing if he was able to shag another woman, go on holiday with her, lie to you about it, and then cry when you wouldn’t do what he wanted. You miss the man you thought he was, not the cheating manipulative creep he is.

He went on HOLIDAY a with the OW?!
Fuck that for a game of soldiers, I mean, cheating is one thing. A drunken one night stand you could maybe forgive or an office fling (I couldn’t forgive either btw but could maybe understand women who do). But to go on holiday with his mistress took time, care, planning, practised deceit. That is the absolute epitome of a piss-take. You’d be mad to take him back. Allow yourself to miss the bits of him you liked - it’s natural to feel that way - then remind yourself that whilst you were home looking after your dc he was on his jollies shagging another woman and telling you he was elsewhere. Liars will always lie - it just rolls off their tongue. He wants you back because he wants the cozy family life he had before - but he’ll soon be up to his old tricks again once he has his foot back in the door. Don’t do it!

Jesus no chance

Just no please

You divorced the cheater for a reason

How dare he !!
How did he cover up the holiday?

Soniapa, you know that he is capable of massive deception. He was leading a double life with OW, even secretly going on holiday with her.

How could you ever feel emotionally safe with him?

I think you are lonely, but as long as you think this about your ex, it will be difficult to connect with others.

Think about this, it's problem free when he visits your dc now, but if you got back together you would forever be wondering if he stayed faithful. That's no way to live.

Look at it this way... If he thought you /your relationship was SO amazing he wouldn't have risked it to shag another woman...

He went on holiday with a woman using money that could have gone to the family. It would never be what it was.. how could you ever trust him ?

I know I shouldn’t take him back and probably will not !!!
But I’m worried I will never find anyone better

I would never trust him again, but I see the cheating everywhere and scared it will happen again but with someone I don’t have the same level of connection (currently two of my friends experienced affair and staying with partners saying all men cheat)

I don't believe all men cheat.

I don't believe that you can be happy with someone you can't trust.

Being with someone involves a level of risk that they might hurt you and betray you, but why choose someone who has already proven he will?

If you didn't find someone nice, is being single the worst possible outcome in life, really?

I think it's far worse being tied to someone who lets you down and hurts you.

I’m worried I will never find anyone better

Gosh, that’s very sad. Never to find someone better than a man that lied to you and cheated on you? Someone who was in a full blown relationship with someone else, even went on holiday with her, making love to her, sharing so many intimacies with her. Whilst lying to your face?

Why don’t you think you can find someone better than a man who would do this to you?

And let’s face it. Will do it again. Because ultimately your message is you’ll take it.

Of course you can find someone better. You could hardly find someone worse.

I don’t know.
Did you ever get to the bottom of what went on in the relationship and why he did what he did?

There is a book by E.Perel - a councillor working with couples for many years.
And she talks about some of the reasons and how couples are able to deal with those, if they chose to.
But mainly she also talks about marriages/relationships going through different reincarnations.
She calls it - rebuilding your marriage 2.0...
Takes time and effort though.

Thing is - if you actually miss him, not just having somebody - who is to say that the two of you can’t try again.
People can make mistakes, and forgiveness and rehabilitation is awarded to hardened criminals in our society. Why not in a relationship?
But - of course - that would need effort - and possibly relationship counselling to make sure the new marriage won’t fall into old patterns.

If you were to do that - I’d not rush anything and take it slowly. You clearly still have a good time together - different from most exes.
Why not enjoy that bit for a while? Why not date him?
I’d even say - why not dare him and continue to date other people to see what’s there... and then, eventually decide what you want.

I think the crux of it is that you're worried you'll never find someone who made you feel as good as he did when things were good.

What you need to remember is that those good times are undermined by how bad he made you feel when things were bad.

You could get the good bits again with someone else and also not have the bad bits.

You could get the good bits again with him but those bad bits are already proven and deep rooted in the foundations of your relationship.

Some of my happiest days were with my ex who cheated and once hit me. None of those days outweigh the pain of those things.

And now I'm with someone who makes me just as happy on good days and never, ever feel worthless or insecure even on bad days.

Being with someone for how they are when things are good doesn't work if how they are / were when things were bad (eg how devastated you must have been by his betrayal) because those good days are tarnished forever.

You can do better, be better and still be successful coparents. But you can't be happy and healthy with someone you know you'll never trust again and it's great you recognise that's how it would be with him

This year has been the worst year imaginable for dating! No wonder you're feeling a bit down.
Lots of my single friends have said that this year has been particularly hard - near impossible to meet someone.

Don't lose hope! Things will get 'back to normal' soon and there will be opportunities to meet a man that will treat you better and you'll have fun with and build that close connection.

But your ex, he is a fucked up cheating shit. He was building memories and connections with another lady while lying to your face. He knew it would hurt you and did it anyway (probably loved every second). You can do better!!!

If you and your ex had such a great connection why did he feel the need to lie,cheat and disrespect you? Not all men are cheaters - stick out the single life till a worthy man comes along, not a sly scumbag who broke up your family

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I think the crux of it is that you're worried you'll never find someone who made you feel as good as he did when things were good.

What you need to remember is that those good times are undermined by how bad he made you feel when things were bad.

You could get the good bits again with someone else and also not have the bad bits.

You could get the good bits again with him but those bad bits are already proven and deep rooted in the foundations of your relationship.

Some of my happiest days were with my ex who cheated and once hit me. None of those days outweigh the pain of those things.

And now I'm with someone who makes me just as happy on good days and never, ever feel worthless or insecure even on bad days.

Being with someone for how they are when things are good doesn't work if how they are / were when things were bad (eg how devastated you must have been by his betrayal) because those good days are tarnished forever.

You can do better, be better and still be successful coparents. But you can't be happy and healthy with someone you know you'll never trust again and it's great you recognise that's how it would be with him

Thats one of the best written posts I've read on mumsnet

@youvegottenminuteslynn I feel like this should be required reading !

The thing is op. Right now you’re enjoying the flirting. And of course if you got back with him you’d have a honey moon period, you’d be going all out to prove to him how fab a catch you are, always looking good, huge effort in bed, lots of flirting, eye contact, touching, the novelty.

But it wears off. Real life kicks in. It can’t be maintained. Ans every time he’s texting someone, every time he’s home late, every time he looks twice ar another woman, or off doing something, you’re going to be thinking “is he cheating again”. And you will know deep down at some point it will be a yes.

And it’s going to kill yout self esteem, you won’t be able to hide it for long.

Becayse once the trust has gone, it’s very very hard to gain it back.

This isn’t just a guy who had a drunken one night stand. This was he was in another relationship, all the things he said to her when alone, about you and his marriage. All the lies he told you so he could be alone with her, and left you alone with the children. Because it was her he wanted. You didn’t matter enough.

This year has been hard for dating. But that’s going to change. And very shortly he also is going to be meeting new people, just in his every day life. Women he finds attractive. Maybe the woman he had an affair with.

And it’s that thought, which will plague you, when the honeymoon is over, every single day.