New Partner?

[Singlemummy1990]

Hi, just needed some prespective.

I have been dating a single dad for more than a year. We met through friends and from the beginning - it was obvious that we were not just hooking up or casual and it was going to be long term. We have three children between ranging from the age of 6-to-teenage. Because we are both full time single parents ( I am a widow and his ex lives in USA) we ended up introducing the children very quickly and due to lockdown were thrown into a 'blended family scenario' a little bit too early for both our liking but hey ho it happened.

I somehow or other ended up being his 'fall guy' very quickly and helping him in childcare. cooking , cleaning , emotional support person. A few times I pointed out that he is not picking up as much of the work as I was doing ( we still live separately but near enough) but it was always met with excuses of being tired or being a bit busy.
Fast forward to a lovely family christmas that we had together and then a few family birthdays.

However- I have reecently found out two things and somehow or other I cannot get over them.

1. He has still not introduced me publicly as his girlfriend/ his ex and family know nothing about me. Neither do his friends or the children's friends. I threw a massive tantrum at this and he is fixing it albeilt slowly and I am still not sure how committed he is to the process.

1. Our first Valentine's day passed- he knows I am into big gestures, celebbrations and marking occasions. And following it was our first anniversary. He did not put any effort into recognising or celebrating both of these. ( even after reminders and not so very subtle hints) After I pointed it out and actually threatened to break up- he promised me 'that he will sort out- he will make it up to me- just wait baby' but so far nothing has happened -other than a verbal apology and lots of excuses about how busy he is.

He says there is alot of baggage from his past relationship and I think he is still heart broken from his divorce.

I cannot get these two things out of my mind and am seriously doubting his investment in our relationship.

Am I over-reacting ? I do love him still but seriously confused whether he is.

You are most certainly not over-reacting. He is 100% using you. Please stop doing wife-work for a man who will not even acknowledge you as his girlfriend! Why is everything on his terms?

Red flags are waving, op. I would be seriously doubting his level of commitment. You provide a huge amount of support for him, yet there's none for you, and you're still a secret in his life. Why are you tolerating this? Bin him.

Sounds like you are his meal ticket for an easier life for him. I would be very wary. You moved way too quickly on this and only now are seeing the issues. Personally I’d be looking to bring it to an end.

Don't let him move in with you. See him once a week and refuse to do any, cleaning, childcare for him.

Putting it bluntly it sounds like he doesn’t really give a toss about you, and just wanted someone for ‘women’s work’ 🤮

Why on earth are you doing any cleaning, tidying, childcare, etc. when you don’t even live together? I’ve been with my partner about 18 months now (both have kids, live separately) and we have never cleaned at the others house. Whoever is hosting usually cooks and we have done a very small amount of reciprocal childcare, but it’s balanced out both ways.

On the other hand why are you dropping subtle hints of what you want? Just lay out what you expect. Communication is key.

Sounds like you guys need a good hard chat. Remove yourself from the unpaid cleaner/career role immediately at his house, and spell out what you’d like from a partner from him. If there’s a future he will engage and respect what you’re saying. If he doesn’t then you know what to do.

You definitely moved too quickly, but you're not alone. So many have done the same this past year. As a pp said, see him if you want, but no more cleaning etc for him.

He wants a free nanny, in a early relationship he should just be concentrating on getting to know in the first year and beyond that if he's not interested in letting everyone around him that he's proud of you then he's not that invested in you.
It's not wanting to celebrate the relationship with you in anyway which shows how he is.
I would start referring him as more as a friend to your children and back out of it, this is as good as it gets.

Baby? Urgh

@Amdone123

You definitely moved too quickly, but you're not alone. So many have done the same this past year. As a pp said, see him if you want, but no more cleaning etc for him.

Agree with this, and I know it's been a funny 12 months and you can't change that now but you're not living together(right?) so back off with the wife shit when he can't even say you're his g/f. Start as you mean to go on, don't let him treat you like his house keeper/nanny

Reading the book "invisible women" when two people come together, when they were living on their own and doing 100% of the work.

Once this couple move in together, the women ends up picking up 75% more "wife work" than the man.

Don't do anything for him, see how long he stays around

Congratulations on your nanny job..

"I somehow or other ended up being his 'fall guy' very quickly and helping him in childcare. cooking , cleaning , emotional support person. A few times I pointed out that he is not picking up as much of the work as I was doing ( we still live separately but near enough) but it was always met with excuses of being tired or being a bit busy."

I suggest from now on you stop proving services for free.
He manages fine before you came along, so why can't he now ?
In case he complains or objects, you have the excuse you are tired and busy.

I had a DP who refused to introduce me to any of his family, it was very hurtful, like I wasn't important to him. We had no DC and didn't live together. After 3 years of not meeting his family (him saying, yeah I'll sort something out when I asked) his mum died suddenly, I took great delight in telling him to fuck off home and not bother me until he was over it. He didn't go home so he wasn't that bothered then.

You need much stronger boundaries. He deals with his own responsibilities. It sounds a bit odd to me that he seems unwilling to go public with you, which begs the question why ?
He has definitely got better end of the deal, and no real incentive for him to change that.
My friend made a similar mistake, met a man very soon after being widowed, she moved in and was far too eager to please. She took on all the housework trying to win his approval, and he quite happily let her. Now they argue because she wants to get married, he doesnt, he's happy as they are.

You are being completely used.

And -‘just wait, baby’ - 😡 urghhhh the total entitled, infantilising BULLSHIT of that line. Pat on the head. Be patient little servant.

Don’t ‘wait’ like a dutiful bloody maid for this using twat to find the time to grab a bunch of petrol station flowers.

Next time, forget about valentines and flowers (though this one can’t even find the time for those!) and instead stand back and WATCH how a person acts. Do they take responsibility for themselves and their children? If not- drop the rope immediately and walk away.

The not celebrating anniversaries or valentines in a grand gesture way I’m with him on, and nothing worse than someone forcing you to do it with “well I’m into it, so if you loved me you would”

But keeping you a secret whilst you run around after him? Nope. That’s a major issue. Major, especially after a year.

He just wants someone to look after his home and children. He expects you to be grateful.

He will continue this until he finds someone he does want. He will then suddenly do flowers at Valentines etc.

I would stop doing any of it. You are not his mother

So are you two living together now? Who moved in with whom? Are your finances joint now or separate? He's a complete user, isn't he?

You're already at the stage of having to threaten him with ending the relationship, even to get him to say he will try to meet your needs in the future.

Don't you want to be with somebody who actively wants to meet your needs? And if so, why aren't you making space for them in your life, rather than doing this guy's cleaning for him because he's a bit busy? It's clear how he thinks a relationship should look.

He is using you.
Time to get rid.

Yeah, I'd be out of this relationship.

Is he paying you to be his housekeeper and nanny?

Leave him he is using you

He’s treating you like his housekeeper

Busy is a shallow excuse. You are not on his priority list - thats why he doesn't put any efforts.