Do other DPs feel like this

[Emiliemoo]

So a bit of background which I will try to keep brief:

DH and i are early/mid 30s, together 10years with DD3 and DS who will be 1 in April.

I was the one who initiated the talk about trying for a baby. He agreed but initially wanted to wait a bit longer before ttc. We wanted til he was ready and luckily conceived quickly. He was more keen on ttc baby #2 than I was (I think relevant)

DH hates the baby stage. He is open with this and I can already see how much he enjoys DD comparedtowhen she was a baby, I think he will really come in to his own as the children get older. I am completely ok with this

My issue is that all he does is moan about us. Every time one of the children is challenging or needs something, he moans about how hard life is. He moans about all the things we/he could do without children or responsibilities. If I have a bad day with the kids, or even just in general, his response is "well you wanted them". This is really bringing me down now.

I've tried making jokes about it. I've tried talking about how I feel and he feels but I just end up feeling like I've ruined his life. I've told him he can leave if he is unhappy but he says he doesn't want to do that and that he does love us.

I know that he talks to other people about this. He insists most men feel this way but he's the only one open about it, but I'm just embarrassed knowing he is telling people how unhappy his life is.

So my question is, is he right? Do all men feel this way? Or women? Was I completely naive and too influenced by Disney as to how I thought it would be???

The thing is, everyone is different. I was more like your husband but my partner is literally the best father I have ever met to our daughter - I can't fault the man, he loves being a dad! I wouldn't like that he doesn't acknowledge how you feel when you're having a bad day, or that he makes remarks like "you wanted them". If he can talk to his friends about it, he should be able to talk to his wife (although can appreciate its nice to talk to other for different opinions). You can talk to him until you're blue in the fave but if he isn't listening there isn't much you can do - does he just like the moan in general or is only specifically kid related?

Sorry for the typos!

If he loves you and the kids why does he keep on saying something he knows upsets you. Yes, having children massively effects your lives but he should be able to see the good parts as well as the bad and he is very unreasonable with the 'you wanted them' shit he needs to pack that in right now. What are you supposed to do in response to that, send the kids back! Tell him you've had enough of his negativity and blaming it on you and if he doesn't like his life he can fuck off now. If he doesn't want to do that then he has to stop with the whinging and complaining.

Also, part of it is possibly that you take more of the responsibility and load for the kids precisely because you feel responsible for him being upset about having children and that is precisely how he likes it. Have a think if this rings true!

Hmmm... after I had our first DC I regularly wondered wtaf I’d done with my life, regretted it massively and resented my husband for getting me pregnant (it was a planned baby..! I had poor post natal mental health). I HATED the baby stage with a passion and have absolutely come into my own since DC hit 12 months (he’s now 3.5, and true delight and I couldn’t be more over the moon or in love with him - he’s amazing).

I am due any day with DC2, surprise baby (I hated the baby stage so much I refused to do it again - Mother Nature has gifted us this one..!). I keep reminding myself how fast time goes, and as long as baby is loved, fed, clean and cared for, then I just need to get through each day.

So I guess the difference I’m trying to highlight here - is yes, people do feel like this. The difference is how they choose to react. I could have aborted. I chose not to and therefore chose to have another baby (DH fully supportive). It is not my soon to be newborns fault I’m shit with babies - so I won’t be moaning about them, and will do everything possible to care and love them.

So the issue I see is the way your DH is dealing with it - in MN speak, you have a DH problem!

Be more assertive. You both wanted the children, and you are both their parents.
You need an united front.

Moaning isn't getting either of you anywhere, you (mainly him) need to talk not moan and not be dismissive.

@MaMaD1990 the moaning is specifically kid/family life related. I wouldn't say he was much of a moaner in other ways. However, he would argue the sky was green if you said it was blue and would not back down. I'm not sure if this is a factor

Have you found it easier as your DC get older.

"well you wanted them" is such a lazy, dismissive, denigrating thing to say.

So much easier. It was a real punch to the stomach when I had DD. The same as you, total naivety as to how much hard work it is and genuinely thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Thinking back I wasn't very well, but I pulled my socks up and cracked on and the older she gets the more enjoyable being a parent is. She's so much fun now. Perhaps it is the same for you DH and he's just a bit of moaner until things get 'easier'. Echoing a PP, less moaning and more meaningful communication and an action plan for support for both of you would be a good idea. I'm pretty much running the show 5-6 days a week but my partner steps in and does his fair share when I'm tired or need a break. Allowing eachother to have a moan is good, it gets things off your chest but it shouldn't be all the time and it shouldn't be put in a way that blames you for the life he too has chosen.

@redastherose

If he loves you and the kids why does he keep on saying something he knows upsets you. Yes, having children massively effects your lives but he should be able to see the good parts as well as the bad and he is very unreasonable with the 'you wanted them' shit he needs to pack that in right now. What are you supposed to do in response to that, send the kids back! Tell him you've had enough of his negativity and blaming it on you and if he doesn't like his life he can fuck off now. If he doesn't want to do that then he has to stop with the whinging and complaining.

Also, part of it is possibly that you take more of the responsibility and load for the kids precisely because you feel responsible for him being upset about having children and that is precisely how he likes it. Have a think if this rings true!

This last bit is 100% true! With DD I did absolutely everything; every bath time, bedtime etc. It's been a little different with DS due to lockdown. DH has been around more and picked up more of the load but I think we both see them as my responsibility. A few weeks ago we were discussing childcare for when I'm back at work, we both discussed several options but then he said "what are YOU going to do?" And it hit home he sees it as my job. His parents were very traditional in their roles and I thought it was that influencing him. (I did pick him up on it)

It's such a pointless thing to say. Your children are here now!!!

he would argue the sky was green if you said it was blue and would not back down

and you still married him!

@KirstenBlest

he would argue the sky was green if you said it was blue and would not back down

and you still married him!

He has good qualities too!!

I think many parents feel that way and do not enjoy parenting infants and small children. For me it’s the teenage years that I hate.
You should be able to vent/moan to each other when you find it difficult. But that said, of the venting/moaning becomes a constant whine, it’s time to tell your partner to go vent with his/her friends or here on Mumsnet. No one should have to be the constant sympathetic ear when you’re in the same boat and also might want to vent/moan too.
It doesn’t make you unloving or bad parents- so long as you aren’t moaning in front of the children or to them.
Don’t feel a need to argue with him how it’s not that bad or this or that is good etc. Just validate the feelings of it’s hard work and children can be a challenge and move on. You can do this for each other....have a good old moan, then hug and move on.

I'm sure he does. It sounds like a lovely family.

If you can't moan to your DH/DW, then who can you moan to. I'd pick him up on the 'well you wanted them', but I can see why he says it (jokily I hope). He should empathise or offer solutions.

If he moans about life being difficult with children, agree with him, but that they are ultimately your darling children, and you are very lucky to have them.

You are both young still and you will be able to do lots of things when the children are older. When they'll be adults you'll only be in your early 50s.

No not all men are like this. In fact I don't think even a majority are. Most men enjoy, or don't enjoy, family life as much or little as women. As previous posters have made clear many, maybe as many, women feel that way. The difference is maybe that they aren't immature selfish sexist prats who somehow see that it's the mother's "fault"

@MarieDelaere

"well you wanted them" is such a lazy, dismissive, denigrating thing to say.

Yep. And he didn't? You didnt have babies on your own

And yes not all men are like this. I've never heard a father say this, or a mum tell me their partner has said this. It's a shit thing to say
Tell him that. Tell him to grow the fuck up

I think you have to tell him straight - that you agreed to have the baby and while he might want to moan his head off AT HIS OWN DECISION you don’t want to listen to it any more. And deciding he dislikes the baby stage is NOT a valid excuse to opt out of doing the hard work or take on his fair share of the mental load when the baby is born.

He doesn’t sound like much of a dad or a husband really. Why did you have a second child knowing how useless he was with the first? Why do you think it’s fine for him to opt out for the first year or two of his child’s life?

What SarahBellam said ^ I would repeat that to him word for word.

@Shoxfordian

He doesn’t sound like much of a dad or a husband really. Why did you have a second child knowing how useless he was with the first? Why do you think it’s fine for him to opt out for the first year or two of his child’s life?

As DD got older he has been better and I thought the shock of a newborn had maybe worn off and he was better prepared for a baby. I also really wanted DD to have a sibling and I do genuinely believe he'll be a much more involved dad when the children are at an age he is more comfortable with. It's just a struggle right now and I haven't been sure how to handle it

I see a couple of posters have turned up to blame you for your husband’s selfish behaviour by asking you why you didn’t look into the future using your...I don’t know...crystal ball?
I hate it when people do this sort of smug and unhelpful posting. Tell them to fuck off.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Yesterday was a tough day with DS teething and when DH moaned as well it just felt too much.

Of course he is entitled to not like the baby stage. I can honestly deal with that but I've read through your replies and decided to make some changes going forward regarding his attitude/behaviour
I don't mind him having a moan but I will be more assertive if that moan becomes blaming me or just becomes unreasonable.

I'm also going to stop covering for him. I didn't say anything in the first post but I think I overcompensate and try to project an image to make up for the fact that he openly tells people he's miserable. All this really does is make me feel bad so I'm not doing it anymore

@pog100

No not all men are like this. In fact I don't think even a majority are. Most men enjoy, or don't enjoy, family life as much or little as women. As previous posters have made clear many, maybe as many, women feel that way. The difference is maybe that they aren't immature selfish sexist prats who somehow see that it's the mother's "fault"

I agree with this. Some women hate the baby stage too. Some people just aren’t baby people. Some people don’t know they’re not baby people until they have a baby. Doesn’t excuse his attitude towards you though. Instead of looking to you for support, he’s making you the focus of his unhappiness. He’s wrong and that needs to be addressed before you can go any further forward.

My father was like this, DP isn’t like this.

My father never actually changed his rhetoric though. We were always going through a ‘difficult stage’ right up to the day he died. He told me one Fathers Day that if he lived his life again he would never have got married and never had children. I believed him.