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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend trouble

28 replies

Laurens96 · 17/03/2021 14:20

Hi ladies I'm going to apologise in advance for tge long post lol.
I've been with my boyfriend 5 years now. 6 months into the relationship i found out he was on pof and we managed to work past it.
I gave birth to twin girls who are 10 months old now. 4 months after my twins were born i found out my partner had been messaging my best friend of 13 years behind my back. There was text messages, whats app messages and facebook messages between the 2 of them. The messages were basically sexting eachother. They were talking about how much they wanted to sleep together and how to get away with it begind my back saying they'd take time off work to spend the day in bed together having sex and that he'd go hers for sex when i was out so i wouldnt know he had been out. He complimented her a lot and said he couldnt wait to be inside her after she had already given him a blowjob.
At the time they were doing this i felt really low in myself because my boyfriend wasnt interested in me sexually after having my girls by c section because my body was different.
He said it was my fault he did it because he didnt feel loved even tho he was the one refusing sex or intimacy. 2 weeks after i found out about them i found out they were still sexting and had arranged for him to go there while i thought he was at work.
We are still together trying to work things out but 6 minths later im still in a bad head space.
I dont feel good about myself anymore like im not good enough or attractive enough.
But since this happened ive noticed other stuff that has always been the same ive just never thought about properly before i guess. Like how he always snaps and shouts when i dont agree with him. He calls me names a lot when i tell him im upset about something like tellung me not to be silly or not to be a dickhead.
He doesnt help with anything around the house im expected to keep the house clean wash up do the washing basically everything on my own.
I asked him for help with the housework today cuz the girls are teething and really cranky and clingy and im struggling to sort the babies and the hoyse on my own.
He said because he goes to work its my job to sort the house and babies on my own. This morning he sat on his game before work for an hour and a half while i tried to sooth the girls and sort out the washing up from his fry up. I asked him if he could finish the washing up cuz the one twin was really upset and couldnt be left to just cry. He told me not to be stupid he had got to get ready for work that i had to do it myself.
I guess i just needed to get everything off my chest because i dont have a lot of friends left anymore.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 17/03/2021 14:22

kick him out

MoonGeek · 17/03/2021 14:23

This man is treating you appallingly. Please find a way to leave him. Do you have friends or family who can help you? 💐

Sally2791 · 17/03/2021 14:24

Sorry to hear what you have experienced, sadly he’s not going to change. He’s shown you who he is, it’s not pleasant and you should be making plans to get rid. Luckily you aren’t married. It may seem an insurmountable task at the moment, but believe me, you’ll do better without him

Borntohula · 17/03/2021 14:26

Oh god, tell him to fuck off, he's not the one for you. I promise you will feel better for it eventually. He's not the person you thought he was when you were first together. Tell him that he and your ex best friend are welcome to each other.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2021 14:26

Get rid love.

And if you get into another relationship, stop trying to 'work things out' because you can't 'work out' someone being a cheating, selfish, lazy, lying arsehole.

Palavah · 17/03/2021 14:29

Sounds like you're trying to work through things but he isn't. If he hasnt already stepped up now that you've had his twins then he isn't ever going to.

You'd be better off without him dragging you down.

Laurens96 · 17/03/2021 14:29

I only habe a few friends left. A lot of my friebds in the begining of the relationship were lafs and they got fed up of constantly being accused of me sleeping with them.
Every time i try to leave he says he will change and treat me better and he wont cheat again as i found out its happened a few times over the 5 years i have been with him.
Last time he even went as far as to say if i leave him he doesnt wamt to live anynore because if i leave his family will be gone

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 14:30

You must be under tremendous stress. Kick him out - he's a cheat, a liar and a lazy man who doesn't care about anyone except himself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2021 14:32

Last time he even went as far as to say if i leave him he doesnt wamt to live anynore because if i leave his family will be gone

You don't actually believe this shit, do you? He would be getting his dick wet with someone else in ten minutes, not killing himself. Come on woman.

MaMaD1990 · 17/03/2021 14:36

Leave him now, you need to think of what is best for your daughters and the poor example their knob of a father is setting. What advice would you give your daughters if they were in your shoes? And him threatening to kill himself if you leave - don't let it bother you, he's a sniffling coward and wouldn't do anything of the sort. Get out now, you don't even need to give him an explanation, you can just leave.

Dery · 17/03/2021 15:30

Dear OP - you’re in a very unhealthy relationship and you need to leave it. Saying he couldn’t live without you is a lie designed to keep you there. He’ll be fine without you. In fact, even if he wouldn’t, that’s not a reason to stay. He’s not treating you like he loves you; he’s actually treating you with dislike and contempt.

What did you learn about relationships growing up that has made you think this is a relationship worth keeping? Your romantic partnership should be a source of joy, support and security. You forgave this guy being on POF then he makes plans to shag your friend and blames you. He’s nasty, OP. You will feel so much better when you’re no longer trying to sustain a relationship with him. You can still co-parent sensibly and reasonably without being together.

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2021 15:31

He’s cheated on you consistently
Why are you even entertaining this shit?

Kelly345 · 17/03/2021 16:21

You do know this isn't something you just 'work through'? The two most important people in your life betrayed you in the worst way possible. There's only one way to work through that. Dump the pair of them and stop being a fool. They have both treated you like a dog. Have dome dignity woman!

Eckhart · 17/03/2021 16:29

I dont feel good about myself anymore like im not good enough or attractive enough

Why is his opinion king? What's your opinion on him? Why haven't you stopped thinking he is good enough or attractive enough? Do you really still find him attractive, and think he's good enough as a partner and father, considering his behaviour towards you and his children?

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 17/03/2021 16:37

Oh luv. This is horrendous. I wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry these arseholes have done this to you.

nimbuscloud · 17/03/2021 16:43

What’s your financial situation? And house?
Bottom line is that he is a cheat. You need to decide if staying with him is what you want to do, knowing you will never trust him again.

nimbuscloud · 17/03/2021 16:44

And that’s even without the verbal abuse and name calling

Laurens96 · 17/03/2021 16:54

The house is his its council rented but im not on the rent book. I work part time so habe some savings but not much. At the minute he seems to think im not happy purely because he didnt wash up today

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 17/03/2021 16:55

If you leave he’d have to pay maintenance and you would get UC. I’d start looking into that.

Eckhart · 17/03/2021 17:02

www.turn2us.org.uk/

Benefit calculator here if you want to check your entitlements.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2021 17:02

Every time i try to leave he says he will change and treat me better and he wont cheat again as i found out its happened a few times over the 5 years i have been with him.

But he doesn't change. He never will. Rather than tell him you're leaving, just start quietly planning to leave and go....them work our a parenting plan if he's interested in seeing the girls.

Last time he even went as far as to say if i leave him he doesnt wamt to live anynore because if i leave his family will be gone

He's manipulative. He'll carry on living and continue sexting and cheating on any future women.

This man will damage your mental health and self esteem. He's selfish and abusive.... is this how he wants a man to treat his daughters? His behaviour is shameful.

I think in the meanwhile, you should keep a diary of events...document his behaviour...his refusal to parent his DC .....document whst he says to you...and sure he can't access it.

You'll need it to show you aren't going crazy and it'll remind you of his abuse. It could also help with custody/supervision of the babies...because he clearly hasn't got a clue.

optimistic40 · 17/03/2021 17:05

Urgh. This is how your life will be if you stay with him

He is lazy
He cheats
He insults you
He blames you

Joy69 · 17/03/2021 22:35

Please leave him. My exh was like this. He would say he would help with the housework when I could earn the same as him. I used to cry with exhaustion dropping the kids off at the childminders when he lay in bed. He also cheated.
Write down everything he says to you. It will be clearer in your head why you are worth more than this relationship with him.
Once you've left things will get better. You will find you again & will feel free.
Please don't feel that you are not attractive. The unattractive ones are your boyfriend & so called best friend, ugly through & through.
Good luck with everything Flowers

WisnaeMe · 18/03/2021 03:03

You need to address your self worth your very low self esteem and stop surrounding yourself with dirty cheap 'friends' and an even scummier partner.

Your life will not change or improve with this man, it will only result in continued betrayal with any woman that will let him into her bed. You will be torn apart emotionally by Him.

Please pack up your twins and WALK 🌺

gutful · 18/03/2021 03:56

What do you want?

If it’s for him to change, he won’t. This is who he is & you have shown you will stay with him despite his indiscretions.

The only thing you can change is yourself, your reactions, your surroundings.

You sound sad & defeated

Only Abusive & manipulative people threaten suicide FYI

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