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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Blocked me from seeing his FB contacts

35 replies

Aviatrix737 · 17/03/2021 11:27

Dear mumsnet,

Hello everyone 👋🏻

I’d really value some advice?
Recently my boyfriend posted a thread on FB. When I went to read the post, I saw that only our ‘mutual friends’ were visible. I clicked to see his ‘friends’ list, but it is now listed as ‘private’. I moved in with him last November, and back then I could see who his friends were.

I know that this sounds paranoid, but he mentioned a post which a girl at written, and I just wanted to see who she was, which is why I wanted to check who she was.

I’m embarrassed to say that I’m feeling a bit insecure. My ex husband cheated on me, and my bf’s ex wife cheated on him.

When I confronted him about it, he got angry, accusing me of checking up on him. He’s normally easy going with me, and we have a good relationship. He says that he’s not done anything to change his settings, and knows nothing about it, but he’s an IT manager, so I’m sure that he knows what he’s doing?

I was still upset about it the next day, I said that I was scared. He says that he loves me to bits, and worships the ground that I walk on. I felt better about it, but my ex span me so many lies that I just don’t know what is the truth / lies anymore 🙈

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, comments appreciated

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2021 11:30

Red flag. Sorry, op. I would be having a rethink.

ChangChang · 17/03/2021 11:32

I’m awfully insecure so my view may be skewed, but this would worry me too, I’m afraid - especially as his reaction sounds a little OTT

Redwinestillfine · 17/03/2021 11:34

Hmmmm. Can you get a mutual friend to check for you to see if it's just you that can't see them? Is he listed as in a relationship with you?

Wanderlusto · 17/03/2021 11:37

You say you 'confronted' him. Sounds a bit intense.

But him getting angry about it would be a red flag to me tbf.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2021 11:37

I’m awfully insecure so my view may be skewed, but this would worry me too, I’m afraid - especially as his reaction sounds a little OTT

I'm not insecure at all, but his reaction and change of "procedure" is definitely a concern. Why on earth would he care if you saw his friend list, unless he's trying to hide something? This is not normal behaviour. His reaction is the clincher, though. Getting angry and then blaming you for "checking up on him" is classic gaslighting.

dreamingbohemian · 17/03/2021 11:39

I don't think the anger is a good sign

If he really didn't know anything about it and it's some kind of glitch, surely he would just say, oh that's weird, let me change it back.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 17/03/2021 11:39

If he didn’t realise he’d blocked you from seeing his contacts, I’d expect him to re-set it there and then and show you the post he’d mentioned to you. Presumably he mentioned it because he thought you’d be interested?

gamerchick · 17/03/2021 11:40

It's pretty obvious going on your post to why he's done it OP. I'm sure this isn't a one off.

I don't even have my husband as my husband on Facebook and my friends list is set to private. There's no drama about it.

If you're going to use your past to punish your future then you really should heal before having another relationship.

But yes he's lied about changing his settings. Why he's lied can be suspicious or a result of insecurities.

Veuvestar · 17/03/2021 11:44

You can change your settings to
Friends or
Friends of friends
My setting is so friends of friends cant see.
Doesn’t mean he’s targeted you alone

Christmasbird · 17/03/2021 11:47

It will be this way for everyone not just you.
Mine is like this and yet I don't even know how I've done it tbh,

NerrSnerr · 17/03/2021 11:53

Are you sure he hasn't set it so no one can see his contacts? I have mine set like that so my husband can only see friends of friends, the same as everyone else I'm friends with.

Silenceisgolden20 · 17/03/2021 11:55

The anger is more of an issue. Why is he angry about it? Why didn't he just say his friends list was private?
If it's private to you, it will be for everyone as the setting will be 'only you' (as in him) can see friends list.

Gemma2019 · 17/03/2021 11:56

Nobody can see my FB friends list, even DH can only see our mutual friends. I don't think there's a way to just give one person visibility of your friends list. It's not a big deal.

Gemma2019 · 17/03/2021 11:58

Meant to add that the private friends list isn't a big deal in itself, but obviously his reaction sounds a bit dodgy so trust your gut with that.

ijokeijoke · 17/03/2021 12:05

This wouldn't be just you, he would of hid them from everyone. But he would of done it, it doesn't just happen randomly. And you can still search the women's name and have a look at her that way.

Original poster

Aviatrix737 · 17/03/2021 12:06

Thank you for your comments, my head is all over the place 🙈.

He says that I have nothing to worry about, but his reaction ... looking pissed off ... scared me

OP posts:

Original poster

Aviatrix737 · 17/03/2021 12:07

Thanks ijokeijoke, that’s what I thought, he can’t have ‘just not known’ about it 😖

OP posts:

Silenceisgolden20 · 17/03/2021 12:09

It's in your privacy settings. He would have had to go into his settings to change it.

Marineboy67 · 17/03/2021 12:21

His reaction may have been unexpected but it doesn't necessarily mean anything sinister. When I had Facebook I had it set the same. I got tired of friends requests from mutual friends. People have become so steered and controlled by Facebook its ridiculous. People in relationships checking who's 'liking' and commenting on partners posts.
Deleted it 6 months ago and what a relief.

Lbnc2021 · 17/03/2021 12:26

I changed my friend list so no one can see it. I’m struggling to see what he’s done wrong, I’d have been pissed off as well and it seems to be a total overreaction on your part when all he done was mention a post some girl had written. If you’re insecure then you need to sort that yourself instead of projecting it onto him. I couldn’t be arsed with this.

Extrapepperoni · 17/03/2021 12:31

If you 'confronted' him about it, I'm not surprised at his reaction as you are being unreasonable. Are you friends on facebook? If you're not then you can't always see who people's friends are. These settings are not bespoke to individuals, they're total settings. And just because he's an IT manager doesn't mean he's good at facebook.

SoupDragon · 17/03/2021 12:31

Getting angry and then blaming you for "checking up on him" is classic gaslighting.

No it isn't, she absolutely was checking up on him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/03/2021 12:33

@SoupDragon

Getting angry and then blaming you for "checking up on him" is classic gaslighting.

No it isn't, she absolutely was checking up on him.

I agree, in this case she really was checking up on him so he isn't gaslighting. And I would be pissed off at being 'confronted' as if I had done something sneaky or deceptive without that being the case.

PerveenMistry · 17/03/2021 12:37

@Lbnc2021

This.

It's not his job to manage your insecurities. It's yours.

Swordfish1 · 17/03/2021 12:54

It's not his job to manage your insecurities. It's yours.

Yes and no to this really. It IS down to the OP to work on her insecurities. But I do think a partner also has a certain responsibility not to fuel those insecurities and if a simple solution like, I don't know, explaining something rationally would help their partner, then why not do that? If there's nothing to hide, no issue is there.

OP, the only thing I find odd is him changing his settings and then lying about changing his settings.

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