Blocked me from seeing his FB contacts

[Aviatrix737]

Dear mumsnet,

Hello everyone 👋🏻

I’d really value some advice?
Recently my boyfriend posted a thread on FB. When I went to read the post, I saw that only our ‘mutual friends’ were visible. I clicked to see his ‘friends’ list, but it is now listed as ‘private’. I moved in with him last November, and back then I could see who his friends were.

I know that this sounds paranoid, but he mentioned a post which a girl at written, and I just wanted to see who she was, which is why I wanted to check who she was.

I’m embarrassed to say that I’m feeling a bit insecure. My ex husband cheated on me, and my bf’s ex wife cheated on him.

When I confronted him about it, he got angry, accusing me of checking up on him. He’s normally easy going with me, and we have a good relationship. He says that he’s not done anything to change his settings, and knows nothing about it, but he’s an IT manager, so I’m sure that he knows what he’s doing?

I was still upset about it the next day, I said that I was scared. He says that he loves me to bits, and worships the ground that I walk on. I felt better about it, but my ex span me so many lies that I just don’t know what is the truth / lies anymore 🙈

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, comments appreciated

Well, you are checking up on him and then confronting him on what you find. I wouldn’t tolerate that from a partner, but I’m not excusing him getting angry.

If you have insecurities/trust issues from a past relationship, you need to deal with them yourself. Don’t bring them into a new relationship and make someone else pay for the actions of an ex.

I know that this sounds paranoid, but he mentioned a post which a girl at written, and I just wanted to see who she was, which is why I wanted to check who she was.

Can you appreciate that wanting to 'check who she was' means you are checking up on him?

I think that maybe some counselling for you would be good so you can start to unravel the insecurity caused by your horrible ex and learn some coping / communication techniques to have constructive conversations instead of jumping to a 'confrontation' situation. It could be really helpful for you in this and (if this isn't a permanent one) future relationships too.

@Veuvestar

You can change your settings to Friends or Friends of friends My setting is so friends of friends cant see. Doesn’t mean he’s targeted you alone

I assumed this too.

Silenceisgolden ... thanks 👍🏻

If you didn't check up on his Facebook activities, wouldn't you be a lot happier OP?
Just come off social media for a while.
He knows you were checking up on him. It isn't a nice feeling and it's an easy way to push people away.

You used the word 'confront' him. None of us know whether he is liable to cheat, but you just told him that you want to check women he is in contact with. Now he knows for sure that your insecurities are going to drive this relationship (if he didn't before).
I'm not sure what you can do to pedal back.

Swordfish1 ... thank you. It’s just the fact that previously I’ve always been able to see who his friends are. It maybe genuine, but I know that you have to go into ‘settings’ to change this deliberately, and it just made me question why, as there’s been nothing wrong with our relationship.

For me to say that I ‘confronted’ him was probably an exaggeration on my behalf.

I completely agree with those saying that his reaction could well be innocent, and he is genuinely annoyed at being questioned about his contacts on Facebook when he's doing nothing wrong. Do you look into things a lot? Could he be feeling like he has to explain his interactions all the while? If so, then I can see why he is trying to keep his privacy a bit

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I know that this sounds paranoid, but he mentioned a post which a girl at written, and I just wanted to see who she was, which is why I wanted to check who she was.

Can you appreciate that wanting to 'check who she was' means you are checking up on him?

I think that maybe some counselling for you would be good so you can start to unravel the insecurity caused by your horrible ex and learn some coping / communication techniques to have constructive conversations instead of jumping to a 'confrontation' situation. It could be really helpful for you in this and (if this isn't a permanent one) future relationships too.

Thanks ‘you’vegottenminuteslynn’.

I have had counselling about this a while ago. It’s just that I’ve had a few ‘wobbles’ that have knocked me recently. Maybe I could use some more. You don’t don’t know me, but if you did meet me, you’d have absolutely no idea that I’m insecure.

He’s such a great guy, but the change to his FB settings has thrown me. I’m just worried about wasting time with someone who will hurt me again.

Hi DianaT, thanks for your message. I agree. He’d just mentioned that a work contact had mentioned something about the fact that there should be a ‘curfew’ on men, saying that all men should have a 6.30 curfew, due to the Sarah Everard murder.

Checking up on him isn’t something that I normally do, it was more out of curiosity (as to who she was) than anything, but yes I’ve just had a few wobbles (causing my own insecurities) that have knocked me recently. 🙈

@Aviatrix737, he's up to something. It is not 'your insecurities'.

I'd suspect 'mentionitis' and if he is doing something that you think might me suspicious, then he should reassure you not accuse you of checking up on him.

Bin him.