DH, politics - bad communication

[WobbleHead]

DH and I have different political views. We got together in 2015 before UK politics really started to polarise, married in 2018. Since then it feels like we are growing further apart.

He refuses to talk about it and when a difference of opinion comes up he sulks and just doesn’t talk to me all day.

Like this week when I have been supportive of the protests about the Met’s role in Sarah Everard’s death, complicity in male violence in general, then the aggressive arrests at the vigil. DH said it was an illegal event and those women were politicising Everard’s death and just doing it for attention.

Just this morning he said something sneering about Meghan Markle and I challenged him why he dislikes her so much compared to other celebs. No answer.

On top of this he believes the UK gov is doing a good job on Covid under the circumstances and gets really cross if I start talking about comparing our country’s response to other countries. He is incredibly proud of the UK’s vaccination programme and says the government deserves praise.

I feel like I am living in a different reality to him. I find it really upsetting that when I want to talk about my own experiences of male violence and why this makes me care about what’s happening now, he doesn’t seem to engage or listen. When I ask him why he says he doesn’t know what to say.

Now I am pregnant and he’s just ignored me when I’ve asked him to read some of the books I am reading. He says he can’t wait to get back to the office after lockdown and has said he doesn’t expect to be a hands on dad, as his father wasn’t. This is all news to me and I am panicking that life with a baby will be a lonely slog. I am 10 years younger but earn more than him - I am worried he thinks I will just take the hit to my career even though it makes more sense to be balanced.

I know I’ve talked about several unrelated issues here but to me they feel connected - and down to our failure to communicate and empathise with the other’s point of view effectively. I want to talk more but I can’t deal with the sulking, quiet treatment and avoidance of eye contact. Especially when we’re stuck in the same house as each other all the time.

How do I try and rebuild our connection so that this doesn’t continue to get worse?

You need to stop taking about things that inflame the situation and accept that you have different view points, or get your ducks in a row.

Some couples manage to avoid talking about politics. But you also have a huge mismatch in expectations about how you will parents. Sounds as though you need a good proper conversation about that, possibly with a counsellor.

Or, split up now.

He's being upfront about the fact he plans to do nearly nothing with the baby, so it will of course be your career and sanity that takes a hit. The politics stuff is to get you ready for your place as good little wifey and mum. If you don't like the sound of that, I'd start acting fast. Have you got childcare ready so you can go back to work? Have you got a supportive family around you? Do you mind ditching your DH if he does become a real arse? He is laying his ground work, don't just look surprised and hurt, lay yours too.

Sounds like a misogynist to me... Politics aside, he doesn't want to listen to your experiences of trauma, doesn't want to be a hands on dad and doesn't expect to sacrifice anything for his child (that's your job as a woman after all).

The sulking and quiet treatment are just tactics to make you understand your place. You are already adjusting yourself, and your behaviour for a quieter life which is exactly how he wants it. Before long you'll be doing as your told like a good wife and wonder how the hell this happened...

The political stuff, neither of you is right, you both have differing opinions and unless one of you is racist, sexist or has an opinion that is morally wrong you're just going to have to accept you're different. Simply stop talking about it. 'Hummm' is a response to anything that annoys you. He'll soon get the message stop talking to you about politics.

As for the parenting of your child, this is something that needs to be thrashed out. If he's not going to be a hands on Dad why did he wants kids? You'd be better off living in your own otherwise you'll end up resenting him for many many reasons. You can still work full, or part time and look after the dc.

If he doesn’t expect to do his share of the childcare, that’s a big problem. You didn’t marry his dad.

Why does he think he should compare his role to his dad rather than his partner?

It sounds like he doesn’t like women having opinions, and that goes for you too. Is he so hostile to other men when they express opinions?

He has already told you who he is and he is unwilling to step up when the baby arrives. What if you have a girl? Are you okay with her being subjected to misogyny by her dad every day. Will you be okay with being bread winner, cook, cleaner, mother childminder because he refuses to contribute? Bet he’s the type that would make you pay all the nursery fees as well. Although the while, he will belittle your efforts for doing all this because he thinks he is important. Life sounds bleak with him, I would plan leaving. ❤️

His stance on parenting and his giving you the silent treatment are bigger problems than your political differences - you need to have these things out with him, because they have to change.

At least you're financially independent, so you can get the hell out if he doesn't want to change his ways. He sounds like a loser to me.

Get out now. This will not improve, especially around raising children. With him being 10 years older than you, this may be the cementing of his views for the rest of his life that he’ll take into his old age, IYSWIM. He sounds retrograde and conservative and his views on women mean your career will be tanked because he expects you to take the hit.

I’d separate now and set up your life as a single mother. Don’t stop working, put your baby in daycare or with a child minder and return to work quickly. You don’t have to take a very long maternity leave. Doing so will likely ruin your earning potential, especially as a single woman. I’d take maybe three to six months max of maternity leave.

What DogGoneCrazyNow wrote.

re your comment:-

"I know I’ve talked about several unrelated issues here but to me they feel connected - and down to our failure to communicate and empathise with the other’s point of view effectively. I want to talk more but I can’t deal with the sulking, quiet treatment and avoidance of eye contact. Especially when we’re stuck in the same house as each other all the time."

You've always co-operated but he has never done that with you.
Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. He has and continues to want absolute over you here. You will end up raising your child as a single parent if you remain with him for your own reasons. This child is the only good thing to have ever come out of your relationship because it has always been dysfunctional at best.

@Blanca87

He has already told you who he is and he is unwilling to step up when the baby arrives. What if you have a girl? Are you okay with her being subjected to misogyny by her dad every day. Will you be okay with being bread winner, cook, cleaner, mother childminder because he refuses to contribute? Bet he’s the type that would make you pay all the nursery fees as well. Although the while, he will belittle your efforts for doing all this because he thinks he is important. Life sounds bleak with him, I would plan leaving. ❤️

What if its a boy? A boy who believes that males are somehow superior? That's part of the issue today. Parenthood and work/income responsibilities should be joint.

Good luck wobble, I hope he wakes up and realises its 2021.

@Seymour5 Absolutely!!! I missed that point in my post but equally as important.

Well it is not surprising that he is a Tory/UKIP reactionary fanboy given his throwback views on parenting. I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation having a child with a man who won't support you properly and holds such views.

Do you really want to be with this guy?

He sounds like he thinks he is naturally superior to you. Despite the fact you are 10 years behind in your career and already earn more, he almost certainly doesn't think you matter in that regard.

Does he do 50% of the housework? Does he only do the 'tradtional man' jobs of bins and lawnmowing? Does he do nothing?

He is telling you who he is and what you can expect from him with children. You will be run ragged, doing all the drudge work and being the breadwinner while he swans about playing the family man to outsiders. You will quickly grow to hate him.

You may want to tell him straight now and give him a chance but if it were me, I would be looking to leave now. It will be much easier to start alone than leave with a small child. You may not even have to continue the pregnancy if that is something you can consider.

rebuild your connection? what connection?

You barely seem to know him and have zero in common. I'm sorry but what have you spent the last 6 years even doing?

Are you in your mid 20s? because this doesn't even sound like a real relationship.

I am 37 and he’s soon to turn 47. Our relationship so far has been affable, gentle and companionable - I helped him get the job he’s in now after a period of unemployment following a redundancy.

It’s tough not to talk about politics because, well... what else is there at the moment? And I don’t think talking about women’s rights is something that automatically falls on one side of a political spectrum - to me it’s not up for debate.

Sometimes I just want ONE question from him that asks about what I believe and why I think it matters.

I’ve read stuff by the likes of Johnathan Haidt about how to empathise with opposite views in politics and I agree with him - I would like to be as broad minded as possible - except when it comes to sexism and racism obviously.

I’m just worried that as someone said he’s now congealing into a grumpy old man and his views will get increasingly conservative from here.

I don’t think it’s bad enough to leave him yet. I have to try to address this and fix it.

"I have to try to address this and fix it".

Why?. Who taught you that it was women's job to fix bad relationships?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up then from your parents?. Women are also not rehab centres for badly raised men.

What in your head would be a bad enough situation to leave him; do you not think that things are problematic enough already?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You cannot fix and or address what is really a failed relationship here on your own. Anyway he does not seem to want to address and or fix anything re this because he seems to be quite happy as he is. This works for him and he does this because also he can. He is likely also to be a carbon copy of his own dad.

The difference in attitude to parenting is a huge issue.

You need to talk about each other's expectations really honestly and really calmly.

And alongside you need to plan how you are going to protect your own interests, income and career in the face of parenting with a man who has blatantly told you he's not going to do his share.

He may be just saying the things about fatherhood as a reaction in a heated situation. Leave things cool down. Fathers never know how they will be until they have that baby in their arms. In relationships one partner can often try to bring balance...they think..into the situation so they go a bit overboard on the other side.
He is entitled to say he thinks Boris is doing ok or whatever so equally you have to give him space to have his opinions. I would be more interested in how he generally deals with people. Is he kind to others, generous concerned for their needs etc. A lot of the talk can be just argumentative just to bring in a bit of drama. And remember the age difference will be in operation too. You won't be the same at 47 as now.
But if he is strongly opinionated as to silence you that is serious . Don't even think of cutting down hours etc in case financially you end up totally responsible for this baby

I think addressing this and fixing it looks like
‘I was totally shocked to hear you say you didn’t want to be a hands on dad. I married you expecting a partner, in today’s sense of the word not 50 years ago. I can’t have a baby with you if you won’t be there for baby and for me at the start, and pull your weight, and I won’t have my child exposed to the selfishness of a ‘not my problem’ parent in my house. Should we be making plans to split?’