DH, politics - bad communication

[WobbleHead]

DH and I have different political views. We got together in 2015 before UK politics really started to polarise, married in 2018. Since then it feels like we are growing further apart.

He refuses to talk about it and when a difference of opinion comes up he sulks and just doesn’t talk to me all day.

Like this week when I have been supportive of the protests about the Met’s role in Sarah Everard’s death, complicity in male violence in general, then the aggressive arrests at the vigil. DH said it was an illegal event and those women were politicising Everard’s death and just doing it for attention.

Just this morning he said something sneering about Meghan Markle and I challenged him why he dislikes her so much compared to other celebs. No answer.

On top of this he believes the UK gov is doing a good job on Covid under the circumstances and gets really cross if I start talking about comparing our country’s response to other countries. He is incredibly proud of the UK’s vaccination programme and says the government deserves praise.

I feel like I am living in a different reality to him. I find it really upsetting that when I want to talk about my own experiences of male violence and why this makes me care about what’s happening now, he doesn’t seem to engage or listen. When I ask him why he says he doesn’t know what to say.

Now I am pregnant and he’s just ignored me when I’ve asked him to read some of the books I am reading. He says he can’t wait to get back to the office after lockdown and has said he doesn’t expect to be a hands on dad, as his father wasn’t. This is all news to me and I am panicking that life with a baby will be a lonely slog. I am 10 years younger but earn more than him - I am worried he thinks I will just take the hit to my career even though it makes more sense to be balanced.

I know I’ve talked about several unrelated issues here but to me they feel connected - and down to our failure to communicate and empathise with the other’s point of view effectively. I want to talk more but I can’t deal with the sulking, quiet treatment and avoidance of eye contact. Especially when we’re stuck in the same house as each other all the time.

How do I try and rebuild our connection so that this doesn’t continue to get worse?

@Whatisthisfuckery

It sounds like he doesn’t like women having opinions, and that goes for you too. Is he so hostile to other men when they express opinions?

That.

You can't fix a shit. You can place a paper bag over it but kniw it's still under there. Or you can bin it.

Not bad enough? Your pregnant and ge has basically just said 'haha fuck you, you'll be doing that on your own'.

How far along are you? If you aren't opting to run just yet, fine. But...it might be wise to reconsider having kids with him, if there's time.

It really doesn't have anything to do with politics. It has everything to do with mysoginy.

*you're pregnant and he has

@AttilaTheMeerkat
"I have to try to address this and fix it".

Why?. Who taught you that it was women's job to fix bad relationships?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up then from your parents?. Women are also not rehab centres for badly raised men.

THANK YOU. @WobbleHead it is not your job to rehabilitate this excuse for a man. You’ve already found him his current job and he’s treating you poorly. He’s probably trying to “rebalance” the power in the relationship by knocking you down a peg or or two. You’ve already invested so much into this and he’s not keeping up his side of the relationship bargain.

DO NOT get trapped by the sunk cost fallacy. It is completely okay to cut and run on this relationship even if you feel you’re in too deep. It’s never too late to leave an unequal partnership. The best time is always now.

@timeisnotaline

I think addressing this and fixing it looks like ‘I was totally shocked to hear you say you didn’t want to be a hands on dad. I married you expecting a partner, in today’s sense of the word not 50 years ago. I can’t have a baby with you if you won’t be there for baby and for me at the start, and pull your weight, and I won’t have my child exposed to the selfishness of a ‘not my problem’ parent in my house. Should we be making plans to split?’

This. But be prepared for the fact it's likely he will say you're mental and unreasonable and that everyone else's wives just accept how it is (they don't). Which means you need to be ready to accept you will be a single parent. Doesn't mean you have to give up your career etc - but means you need to plan around being the primary carer as he's made it clear he won't want 50/50 (or event 80/20 by the sound of it).

I imagine it's preferable to do everything yourself without a cunt of a man present than to do everything yourself with one there.

Sorry he's a shit. Removing the politics from it, he is at best disinterested in your experiences, unable to have a civil conversation with someone who disagrees with him and actively saying he won't be a present and involved father.

I would stop thinking of how to make him want to stay and start asking yourself why on earth you even want him to?

If you want to stay together, you need to learn to agree to differ. You don’t have to agree about everything and he is entitled to his views, as are you. From your post it sounds like you are frequently challenging his views and expecting him to agree with you, which must get tiresome after a while.

DP and I don’t agree about everything, although our basic values are reasonably well aligned. He is entitled to take the view that, although he voted Remain, he accepted the result of the referendum and argued for making the best of it, while I campaigned to overturn it and stop Brexit. He stayed at home while I went to demonstrations. We agreed to differ.

Why are you focusing on politics?

They're the least of your problems

Wow these responses are a lot more bracing than I was expecting. Genuinely shocked that people would expect me to end the pregnancy over this.

AgeLikeWine I do worry that I am being tiresome... but I am genuinely baffled that he doesn't agree with, for example, how I view the current narrative around VAWG sparked by Sarah Everard. I think it comes across that I must think he's stupid or something... I don't have a great poker face.

@WobbleHead

Wow these responses are a lot more bracing than I was expecting. Genuinely shocked that people would expect me to end the pregnancy over this.

AgeLikeWine I do worry that I am being tiresome... but I am genuinely baffled that he doesn't agree with, for example, how I view the current narrative around VAWG sparked by Sarah Everard. I think it comes across that I must think he's stupid or something... I don't have a great poker face.

Some people have said it in a very insensitive way, I agree but OP you don't seem to realise how shocking this is:

Now I am pregnant and he’s just ignored me when I’ve asked him to read some of the books I am reading. He says he can’t wait to get back to the office after lockdown and has said he doesn’t expect to be a hands on dad, as his father wasn’t. This is all news to me and I am panicking that life with a baby will be a lonely slog.

This is a terrible thing for him to say and a terrible outlook from him on his plans for parenting (or not really parenting in his case) so I think it comes from a place of people being concerned about you being tied to a man who is like this.

Sorry you're going through this. As I said upthread, politics aside his comments / outlook on being a father are horrible.

I'm surprised you're still focusing more on the political differences than on his stated intention not to be a hands on parent and leave all that hard work to you. That and his habit of sulking/silent treatment are things you should be very concerned about in terms of the future of your marriage. The political differences are secondary, though I think he's a twat.

How have you not had discussions about parenting when you decided to have baby? He sounds pretty irredeemably bad to me, what if your child is a girl and he continues being such a misogynist?

I don't often say ltb but I wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. He has already told you that he plans to do nothing to help with the baby. You'll be so much better off without him.

Agree that political differences are separate. Differences in plans as to how you plan to live your future lives are more concerning. I don't want to become one of those "you should have thought about this before you got pregnant" people, because I know that's not helpful, but you must have had some conversations about how you imagined bringing up the baby before ttc? Is this an abrupt about turn on his part (which would be even more worrying)?

What @Wanderlusto said. You can't fix this and you'll be miserable. Whatever you decide with the pregnancy, I would separate. Plus I agree, for me women's rights are not a we can agree to disagree scenario. I also feel the same about racism and right wing politics tbf so I wouldn't be with someone who held those views. On top of that you're younger and richer and he can't be arsed to be a parent. Cut your losses, DON'T get trapped, don't lose your career, your money, your self respect and get rid now. Best of luck. You sound ace and deserve better

The last couple of posters make great points.

I don't understand having a child with a man who may treat your daughter as if her opinions don't matter and aren't to be heard. And maybe those of a son too.

At best, he'll show his kids that it's ok to treat their mother this way.