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Original poster

Once a week sex

56 replies

Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 19:29

Hello, I have been with my partner 6 years, and I have two children from a previous relationship. We keep having the same issues cropping up again and again and I feel like we can’t resolve them. His main issue is that we don’t have enough sex...in all honesty, I’m happy with having it once a week. I work full time and I am also studying, and after coming home and having to cook, tidy up, deal with my kids, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep at the end of the night! I just don’t feel bothered or excited anymore, it’s just the same as it always is. I am also on antidepressants which massively affect me sexually. My partner knows all of this but I don’t feel he does much to help matters. He hardly helps out around the house or cooks, and I am tired of his lack of physical support. We even tried putting together a cleaning rota (ridiculous that we even had to do this!) but that lasted less than a week. He’ll help if I ask him, but rarely will he do anything going off of his own initiative. Never has he turned around and said ‘you’re exhausted, I’ll cook tonight’ or offered to help clean. He’ll wash up if I cook, but that’s as far as it goes. We do our own washing as I feel that I do enough around the house! I think all of this has had a knock on effect on how I also feel sexually. I don’t feel any passion or excitement anymore. During this lockdown I have been working from home, supporting my kids with home schooling, working late into the night and falling asleep on the sofa with my laptop most nights, and my partner had the audacity to accuse me of avoiding going to bed with him, whilst also complaining that we haven’t spent much time together recently. This massively offended me as he has done nothing to help me other than listen to me vent about how I’ve been stressed etc. I’m tired of going round in circles and feeling unsupported. He decided over the weekend that he wants some time apart so we can reflect and decide if we can come to a solution, but I’m not sure we can anymore. Can we move forward from all of this? Is it that uncommon to only have sex once a week?!

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OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/03/2021 20:10

No it's not! Once a week, especially on the weekends is pretty common & average. No wonder you don't feel like it. You hardly have the headspace for it for one thing, and you must be weary & tired at the end of the day too & just want to relax, not rev things up. Even if you didn't have kids this would be normal. He sounds like an extra child in your life - passive and waiting to be told what to do.

As to spending time together - this is important but it's also important for you to feel like he genuinely wants to spend time with you and that he's not just doing it as a lead up to sex, which would leave anyone feeling used and put off. How often do you have conversations? Is there any time for that? Do you really have time to connect? How often do you touch & hold each other or watch something tigether on the sofa? It sounds like your life is so busy right now that you don't have time for maintaining a relationship too. This would be hard on any couple but as they are not his kids there is no added incentive for him to withstand his needs not being met. He might be very attached to them, but past breaking up with you they will likely not be part of his life and I think that can maje a difference.

Elieza · 16/03/2021 20:34

One partner having a higher sex drive than the other is a problem for many couples. As is one being knackered from wife/mother work while the other one is fresh as a fucking daisy, having done fuck all hard work.

When he starts whining again that he’d “like to have sex” I’d be retorting that “well I’d like you to do the housework for a week so I can relax enough that I can feel like having sex but that’s not happened despite me asking so looks like we’re both disappointed then. What do you want to do to resolve this problem?”

See what happens.

I dumped one of those horn dogs as I felt like a rubber doll not a person and was totally pissed off with him whining about a lack of ‘closeness’ and lack of ‘intimacy’ to guilt trip me into shagging him. I did a couple of times to keep the peace but that’s just so wrong so that was game over.

He could have had all the closeness he wanted cuddling me but that wasn’t enough apparently. Who knew someone’s penis had to be inside you to feel close.... Hmm

Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 20:48

@EarthSight

No it's not! Once a week, especially on the weekends is pretty common & average. No wonder you don't feel like it. You hardly have the headspace for it for one thing, and you must be weary & tired at the end of the day too & just want to relax, not rev things up. Even if you didn't have kids this would be normal. He sounds like an extra child in your life - passive and waiting to be told what to do.

As to spending time together - this is important but it's also important for you to feel like he genuinely wants to spend time with you and that he's not just doing it as a lead up to sex, which would leave anyone feeling used and put off. How often do you have conversations? Is there any time for that? Do you really have time to connect? How often do you touch & hold each other or watch something tigether on the sofa? It sounds like your life is so busy right now that you don't have time for maintaining a relationship too. This would be hard on any couple but as they are not his kids there is no added incentive for him to withstand his needs not being met. He might be very attached to them, but past breaking up with you they will likely not be part of his life and I think that can maje a difference.

I honesty feel like I’m performing all day and the thought of having to ‘perform’ in the bedroom when all I want to do is just relax is just too much of an effort. You’re right about the extra child thing- it does often feel like it. We do actually have conversations and we watched a movie together about a week ago (and we’ve watched rubbish tv too) and I feel like he should cut me some slack. During the week I struggle to stay up and keep my eyes open past 10pm! I’ve had to put my work first and prioritise getting my work done rather than watch TV on the sofa with him because during this lockdown my workload doubled as a mother and professionally. I refuse to put a man before my career. We don’t cuddle and kiss as much...in bed we can never kiss and cuddle without it leading to sex...on the sofa I just want to get comfortable and don’t feel the need to constantly have to cuddle up! Guess there must be something with me ha ha. It’s really interesting what you have mentioned about my kids and the added incentive- I never looked at it from that perspective before.
OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 16/03/2021 20:52

@Elieza. Unfortunately I think you have nailed it— a great many men when they talk about closeness and intimacy simply mean sex . I left my first husband in my Late 20’s because he would 3 times a week meet his mates at the pub, leaving me with young children and housework and when he got in around 11.45pm couldn’t understand why I didn’t exactly feel ‘in the mood’ and I also had a full time job too to go to next day

CarnationCat · 16/03/2021 20:53

Fuck that. Sounds like you've got a cock lodger. He does none of the housework drudgery and expects you to be ready for sex whenever he clicks his fingers.

He clearly does not respect you.

Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 20:54

@Elieza

One partner having a higher sex drive than the other is a problem for many couples. As is one being knackered from wife/mother work while the other one is fresh as a fucking daisy, having done fuck all hard work.

When he starts whining again that he’d “like to have sex” I’d be retorting that “well I’d like you to do the housework for a week so I can relax enough that I can feel like having sex but that’s not happened despite me asking so looks like we’re both disappointed then. What do you want to do to resolve this problem?”

See what happens.

I dumped one of those horn dogs as I felt like a rubber doll not a person and was totally pissed off with him whining about a lack of ‘closeness’ and lack of ‘intimacy’ to guilt trip me into shagging him. I did a couple of times to keep the peace but that’s just so wrong so that was game over.

He could have had all the closeness he wanted cuddling me but that wasn’t enough apparently. Who knew someone’s penis had to be inside you to feel close.... Hmm

Yes! I always fear like a weary old lady whilst he’s there all relaxed!! 😒 and I really resent that. I just feel like he’s living with me in my home but I still practically feel like how I was when it was just me and my children, and to me, that’s wrong. I’m glad you managed to break away from the ‘horn dog’ (that made me laugh lol), but I’m fully with you on the cuddling- why does closeness only equate to sex?
OP posts:
cosmicbabe · 16/03/2021 20:56

He doesn't sound like a partner. More like another child. Sorry OP but I wouldn't want to have sex with someone like that. Everything should be 50/50 out of respect for each other. Who just lets their partner do everything.

Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 20:58

@CarnationCat

Fuck that. Sounds like you've got a cock lodger. He does none of the housework drudgery and expects you to be ready for sex whenever he clicks his fingers.

He clearly does not respect you.

You hit the nail on the head with the drudgery! I don’t feel very respected, I must say 🤷🏻‍♀️
OP posts:
Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 21:04

@cosmicbabe

He doesn't sound like a partner. More like another child. Sorry OP but I wouldn't want to have sex with someone like that. Everything should be 50/50 out of respect for each other. Who just lets their partner do everything.
I agree with you, it should be 50/50. I know my children are not his kids, but he does nothing for them. Never attempts to warm up their food/fix their food, play with them anymore...I just feel like he could do more in this area also. That isn’t normal either is it?
OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 16/03/2021 21:07

I’m like you, I just want to relax at the end of the day, and don’t want to have to perform. Have you tried did in the morning? However,once a week is perfectly normal.

bebo7 · 16/03/2021 21:09

Let him go. You will be happier in the long run. There are better men than this out there.

Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 21:12

@Standrewsschool

I’m like you, I just want to relax at the end of the day, and don’t want to have to perform. Have you tried did in the morning? However,once a week is perfectly normal.
I have...but I’m just not a morning person ha ha. I’m at a point in my life where I would choose sleep over sex 😆
OP posts:
CoronaIsADick · 16/03/2021 21:20

Me and my oh only have sex once a week. We both work and have 2 young toddlers. Looking after them aswel as everything else is tiring and in all honesty I'm that tired that I'd happily go without all together, I'd much prefer the extra time to sleep. My OH would have sex every night so we had to come to a comprise as I was feeling pressured to have sex (not by him, by myself) I'd dread going to bed knowing he was probably going to try it on and I'd just have to turn him down, so we spoke about it and came to the compromise of once a week why the kids are so little and tiring. I can relax the rest of the week knowing he wont be pestering me and I do feel its helped massively, although I'd still take sleep over sex at the minute haha

SplendidSuns1000 · 16/03/2021 21:21

Do you think if you were less tired and more relaxed you'd want sex more often? If so, tell him he needs to help around the house so you have more energy and interest in him.

If you're happy with once a week, there may be more issues. Couples having different sex drives is common but can cause an issue if both don't want to compromise.

Either way, he needs to help more. Give it as an ultimatum- help=sex, being a lazy arse=no sex

cosmicbabe · 16/03/2021 21:22

They might not be his kids OP but when he decided to be with you they were the package. Saying that you can't force him so it's up to you to say if he is good enough for you and your kids x

Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 21:30

@bebo7

Let him go. You will be happier in the long run. There are better men than this out there.
Bebo7 thank you for your response...everyone has given me a lot to think about
OP posts:
Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/03/2021 21:38

@CoronaIsADick

Me and my oh only have sex once a week. We both work and have 2 young toddlers. Looking after them aswel as everything else is tiring and in all honesty I'm that tired that I'd happily go without all together, I'd much prefer the extra time to sleep. My OH would have sex every night so we had to come to a comprise as I was feeling pressured to have sex (not by him, by myself) I'd dread going to bed knowing he was probably going to try it on and I'd just have to turn him down, so we spoke about it and came to the compromise of once a week why the kids are so little and tiring. I can relax the rest of the week knowing he wont be pestering me and I do feel its helped massively, although I'd still take sleep over sex at the minute haha
Your husband sounds really understanding and considerate. I’m glad you managed to work something out!
OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 16/03/2021 21:42

How exhausting.
Having to deal with him going on about this, that is.
Nothing less sexy than being pestered for sex that you don't want, and being made to feel bad for not wanting it. When you are completely exhausted.

Once a week is not unusual. And it seems reasonable to me.

I'd give him the choice to leave, if he feels you are not sexually compatible. Or stay and not try to emotionally blackmail you over sex and to help out more. But be prepared to call it a day. You might even be happier without him!

category12 · 16/03/2021 22:04

He sounds like he's bringing bugger all to the party to be honest. He's not a partner because he doesn't act like you're in a team, and he doesn't bother with your dc, yet he's been in their lives for several years.

Let him have his space away, and don't let him back. Feel like you'd probably have less work if he wasn't there, and at least you wouldn't be resentful that he could be doing his share of housework but isn't.

pog100 · 16/03/2021 23:11

"Your husband sounds really understanding and considerate. I’m glad you managed to work something out!"
You know this isn't really understanding and considerate. It's normal. It's a bit worrying that you consider it special. You really would be better off without him. Let him go.

ZebraSpotts · 17/03/2021 00:11

"He decided over the weekend that he wants some time apart ".......i understood this to mean he wants to be allowed a shag outside of your relationship because technically he's a free agent and you were on a break (said full Ross Geller style)

Dery · 17/03/2021 05:14

“"Your husband sounds really understanding and considerate. I’m glad you managed to work something out!"
You know this isn't really understanding and considerate. It's normal. It's a bit worrying that you consider it special. You really would be better off without him. Let him go.”

This.

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2021 06:29

He doesn’t contribute to your happiness or your family lifestyle. I appreciate they’re not his biological kids but if he’s with you then he’s their stepdad so he should be acting like their dad. Don’t take him back if he’s left op, it’s not worth it

Iris27 · 17/03/2021 06:34

You want sex with an adult male, trouble is he's acting like a child. It changes the dynamic of your relationship. It's not exactly sexy is it?

Resentment is a killer of libido in my case.

Original poster
Choccyaddict4eva · 17/03/2021 12:13

@ZebraSpotts

"He decided over the weekend that he wants some time apart ".......i understood this to mean he wants to be allowed a shag outside of your relationship because technically he's a free agent and you were on a break (said full Ross Geller style)
Ha ha no, I thought this too at first but we’re not ‘broken up’ he just wanted some space to think
OP posts: