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Original poster

Freaked out by new date, advice needed.

42 replies

Propercoppertop · 16/03/2021 19:17

Have NC for this as very outing. Long time lurker, have commented previously but this is my first post seeking advice. Will try to be succinct but include all necessary details so as not to drip feed.

I have been chatting with a new male friend throughout lockdown over SM, I suppose a casual date but we have not met in person yet.
He mentioned at one point that he works for the NCA (I have no proof that this is true).
2 weeks ago my phone had a melt down and completely stopped working, therefore I didn’t contact him for approx 5 days while I waited for new phone to arrive.
When we did get back in touch, I explained what had happened, he was fine about this but stated he had been a bit worried I’d ghosted him, I told him that’s not something I would do. He then stated ‘I was also worried something might have happened to you.’ I again stated I was fine and just a technical glitch. He then made this statement ‘I mean I don’t even have your address to check on you if anything did happen, I suppose I could find out if I wanted to but that seems a bit creepy.’
I was really taken aback by this statement and told him that I was uncomfortable about what he had just said. I have previously had an issue with a stalker so it was quite triggering. I told him that I wasn’t willing to give him my address and did not want him to try and find it out.
I am now freaking out that because of his NCA connections that he could somehow look me up?! (Again this could be a crock!) but is it something he could do if it is true?
I have cooled things way off with him but really need some advice about what to do now? I’m now scared that if I pull back or cut contact, somehow he will find me?
Panicking a little.

Apologies if I’ve not included enough detail but also trying to cook and WFH Confused

OP posts:
Cloverforever · 16/03/2021 19:22

I would have taken it as a caring, perfectly normal thing to say in the circumstances.

Original poster
Propercoppertop · 16/03/2021 19:25

Really?
Oh god, have I massively freaked out over nothing then? Blush
I suppose could just be my previous experiences clouding my judgement here.

OP posts:
MsJinks · 16/03/2021 19:27

You’re not allowed to search systems for personal reasons - if he’s even of a level or clearance to do so - I mean I guess even the NCA has cleaners 🤦🏻‍♀️
I don’t know how often you speak to him, or how close you are - would you be worried after 5 days not hearing from him and wishing you had other contact?
To be honest he sounds less creepy in a stalker way and more creepy in a ‘I am important’ way - or ‘I am a fantasist’ way though I’d be wary - would an email address work for him as back up contact?

Everythingiswonderful · 16/03/2021 19:27

I imagine it would be against their code of conduct and there would be serious disciplinary procedures for anyone who chose to look people up in this situation tbh.

He may have intended it to sound caring I suppose but it would make me feel uncomfortable op.

HollowTalk · 16/03/2021 19:28

Well, it's not only creepy, it's illegal for him to do that. If he really worked there he'd know that.

@Cloverforever theirs isn't a loving relationship, though - this is a guy she's been chatting to for a few weeks. They haven't actually met. It's not reassuring for someone online to say they can find out where you live.

Ardvark111 · 16/03/2021 19:28

Don't believe that 💩 that he works for NCA he probably works for mc donalds on drive through hatch. ,!! 😂 but yeh that's bit to full on to soon, re wanting your address keep your guard up with this guy

Original poster
Propercoppertop · 16/03/2021 19:30

Yeah I suppose I would be worried and good idea about the email address. I think it was just the thought of him being able to find out where I live before I was comfortable sharing that information. He has given me no red flags otherwise.

OP posts:
something2say · 16/03/2021 19:31

I took it in light of what's happened recently. If you had disappeared and were in trouble, what help he could be. You've been chatting every day, he would be a relevant person to help. Sorry if that's not helpful.

bitheby · 16/03/2021 19:32

He'd be breaching GDPR if he ever looked you up and would hopefully be sacked, even if he is the cleaner.

MsJinks · 16/03/2021 19:32

So if he found you via his amazingly important role you could report it - not a good look on his CV. But I wouldn’t really worry he would do that - it may have been an attempt to get your address to move it all on a bit - see if you would share it? - not necessarily to stalk you at all.
Oh - it’s not creepy for him to find out, or it is, but if I were him I would be more worried it’s a sackable offence - unless he runs it maybe? Lol
See how it goes from now on - maybe I’m cynical.

HollowTalk · 16/03/2021 19:32

I wouldn't dump him over that but I would be cautious.

Original poster
Propercoppertop · 16/03/2021 19:32

@hollowtalk

Yeah that was my knee jerk reaction. It is a bit weird to say it, almost a power play, or actually a veiled threat ‘disappear again and I can find out where you live’ but made to seem nice and caring?
I don’t know, it has tainted the relationship now though

OP posts:
MyCatHatesOtherCats · 16/03/2021 19:35

I think I’d take that at face value if I were you because he doesn’t necessarily need to access government systems to find your address - things like 192.com can help people track you down, especially if you have an unusual surname and don’t ask to be removed from the version of the electoral role which is sold for marketing purposes or whatever it is.

But others are right, if he worked for the NCA or any other government body which has access to personal information, searching for anyone you know is a sackable offence.

Akire · 16/03/2021 19:35

You have every right to feel uncomfortable. If you were at stage of meeting in person or given address then you would have. Anyone who brags they could find out where you lived is lying or being an ass usually both.

pog100 · 16/03/2021 19:36

are you sure he was referring to his NCA connection anyway? It's relatively easy to find the address for a lot of people with some astute googling, 192.com etc. As a PP said, maybe bigging himself up but it doesn't come over too sinister to me.

HollowTalk · 16/03/2021 19:36

Follow your instincts. He did admit it would be a creepy thing to do - would it be worth bringing it up in the light of what's happened lately with two police officers being arrested? (One for rape, one for murder)

sweetnessnfight · 16/03/2021 19:37

You can find lots of people just from searching the internet. I looked up my first love the other day, I haven't seen him in 20 years but I found out where he's living now.

GNCQ · 16/03/2021 19:41

Doesn't sound sinister at all. Does sound a bit "boasty" though.

VenusTiger · 16/03/2021 19:42

I also think you've taken this completely the wrong way OP - he even said he was worried about you - but, you have good reason to put walls up as you say you've been stalked before. Sorry to hear that and it seems your trust is not so easily given away now.
He was being very open with you also about being able to find out your address (he prob means contacting your SM friends) and pointed out that you might find that creepy - this doesn't sound like the acts of a dangerous man.
Hope you both get to meet soon.

GNCQ · 16/03/2021 19:44

That's a good point actually "I could find out if I want to" could simply mean "anyone could find out" eg through Google or 192, but he didn't want to.

Do you know his address? Where be lives?

sticktomygun · 16/03/2021 19:51

This gave me the shivers. Massive red flag.

If you wanted to ghost him that would be your choice.

It's not polite but it's not the type of action that warrants someone you've only been speaking to for a few weeks coming to your home to see why you haven't contacted him back. People that can't take a hint are scary when they're told no.

I would stay well clear and keep a eye out.

TheChip · 16/03/2021 19:52

Its better than him saying "I found your address out but didn't do anything with it as it seemed a bit creepy" lol

It would have freaked me out as well due to previous stalking. Give it a few days and reassess how you feel to see if its worth giving another chance.

CombatBarbie · 16/03/2021 19:58

I think you're massively over thinking this, he said he thought you'd ghosted him, which actually you did do albeit not intentionally. He said he could have found your address..... Could have being the clue. Yes it would be a breach of GPDR etc however, in his logic what if something had happened to you? You have clearly built a relationship albeit not physically. But, I do understand how your previous experience has exacerbated this.

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 16/03/2021 20:00

Lost my post but in brief I don't think there is enough (any) evidence of creepiness rather than genuine concern here. Maybe you already had doubts for some reason so this has triggered you? If everything else is OK I would carry on cautiously. He acknowledged it would be creepy to look you up and didn't do it. And he didn't say he would do it through work. If my friend disappeared for 5 days and it was out of character and I didn't know how to contact her I might say something like this.

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 16/03/2021 20:00

Ps. I have had a stalker too and totally get your caution