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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Freaked out by new date, advice needed.

42 replies

Propercoppertop · 16/03/2021 19:17

Have NC for this as very outing. Long time lurker, have commented previously but this is my first post seeking advice. Will try to be succinct but include all necessary details so as not to drip feed.

I have been chatting with a new male friend throughout lockdown over SM, I suppose a casual date but we have not met in person yet.
He mentioned at one point that he works for the NCA (I have no proof that this is true).
2 weeks ago my phone had a melt down and completely stopped working, therefore I didn’t contact him for approx 5 days while I waited for new phone to arrive.
When we did get back in touch, I explained what had happened, he was fine about this but stated he had been a bit worried I’d ghosted him, I told him that’s not something I would do. He then stated ‘I was also worried something might have happened to you.’ I again stated I was fine and just a technical glitch. He then made this statement ‘I mean I don’t even have your address to check on you if anything did happen, I suppose I could find out if I wanted to but that seems a bit creepy.’
I was really taken aback by this statement and told him that I was uncomfortable about what he had just said. I have previously had an issue with a stalker so it was quite triggering. I told him that I wasn’t willing to give him my address and did not want him to try and find it out.
I am now freaking out that because of his NCA connections that he could somehow look me up?! (Again this could be a crock!) but is it something he could do if it is true?
I have cooled things way off with him but really need some advice about what to do now? I’m now scared that if I pull back or cut contact, somehow he will find me?
Panicking a little.

Apologies if I’ve not included enough detail but also trying to cook and WFH Confused

OP posts:
wusbanker · 16/03/2021 20:09

It wasn't phrased as a threat and isn't even definitely a reference to his job. I can imagine saying similar, meant in a jokey way.

VenusTiger · 16/03/2021 20:14

Interestingly OP, would a stalker/dangerous man tell you his intentions first, or simply do it without you knowing? I think you need to try and find a way to move on or past your previous experiences, it's not going to help you if your perspective on one man is the same for every other man.

DarcyJack · 16/03/2021 20:15

This sounds absolutely fine to me. I'm sure he could find out if he had real suspicions you had come to harm just like anyone else could. Nothiñg to do with his job.

Original poster
Propercoppertop · 16/03/2021 20:23

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, you all make very good points which I will take to heart.
I admit that it’s true, my previous experiences may have clouded my judgement and as I say, have previously had no concerns about this man.
Also true that this may not have been in reference to his job and sounds like he would be unlikely to take that action if that is indeed where he works.
I think that I will proceed cautiously but will tell him why this made me uncomfortable (re: previous stalker) and give him chance to further explain what he meant and assert my choice not to tell him where I live yet.
Will also use email address as back up contact for future, thanks for that suggestion.

OP posts:
Trickyboy · 16/03/2021 20:34

I work with the NCA for a partner organisation. I could also 'check on you' if you gave me your address if I wanted to lose my much loved job !

ALL security agencies/police/statutory investigation partners I know have the same VERY strict rule in place. If you don't have reasonable cause to access this information then it's a breach of GDPR to do so and taken very seriously.

He was simply being boastful.

Dery · 16/03/2021 20:37

I think it sounds like a jokey remark which landed wrong because of your past experience with a stalker. If everything else is good, I would let it slide but perhaps keep an eye out for anything else unsettling.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2021 20:50

I also honestly think you’re taking this the wrong way. I reckon it was just a musing “well I could have if I really wanted to but it’s creepy”.:it’s th sort of thing that would cross your mind if you work in that environment. Doesn’t mean you’d do it.

I can’t see it as a veiled threat, that’s going too far, but I don’t have a natural fear of men following from a stalking past, so trust peoooe at face value and don’t over think it.

Because the over whelming majority of people are totally normal. He’s highly unlikely to risk loosing his job to find some strangers home, you’ve never even met.

RealisticSketch · 16/03/2021 20:54

I personally wouldn't tell him about your stalker until you feel more sure. That would be useful information to a manipulative person so I wouldn't share it until I felt I knew him better. Just keep your doubts to yourself until you get a better sense of where he's coming from.

NovemberR · 16/03/2021 20:57

He just sounds like a bit of a fantasist to me, tbh.

Agree with pp who says he probably works in McDonalds or somewhere. I had to google NCA to see what it was and found myself thinking that anyone who did actually work for them probably just tells people I'm a police officer to be honest.

It felt like a bit like announcing you were "ex-SAS".

TeaChocKitKat · 16/03/2021 21:45

If you haven't had any other reasons to worry about him I think you are probably over thinking this. Wouldn't you be worried if you suddenly didn't hear from him for 5 days and had no way of getting in touch with him?
Its good to be cautious and I can completely understand why your history is making you more wary than you might be otherwise but on balance, I don't think you shoul let this ruin things with him.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2021 22:31

@NovemberR

He just sounds like a bit of a fantasist to me, tbh.

Agree with pp who says he probably works in McDonalds or somewhere. I had to google NCA to see what it was and found myself thinking that anyone who did actually work for them probably just tells people I'm a police officer to be honest.

It felt like a bit like announcing you were "ex-SAS".

It’s really not a big deal to work for them, it’s not mi5 and he’s not James Bond. It’s no biggie working for them 😂
HollowTalk · 16/03/2021 22:52

Perhaps you could say, "I've been thinking about what you said, about being able to find me. Are you really able to do that?" and then if he says yes, he can, say, "But would you do that? Wouldn't you be fired?" I'd say it as though I was interested, but I'd be noticing how he responded.

Bagamoyo1 · 17/03/2021 00:15

I think you’ve overreacted. Sounds like concern, followed by a joke.

Zoinksalot · 17/03/2021 02:12

He could potentially get In trouble for this but its possible for him to search undetected if he really wanted too (not not you want to hear)

Realistically your approxamit address can be found by clicking a link thats been sent via email or message. In this day and age its scarily easy to obtain

Yellowhighheels · 19/03/2021 16:53

Obv I've no idea if he actually does work for the NCA or not, but MI6, 5 and all the rest are staffed by perfectly normal people with families, dating lives etc.

It's hard to call it but he could easily lose his job if he looked up your details. Even if there was an operational need, he should pass it on to someone who doesn't know you.

I suppose it depends on tone. If he said it musing 'if I was really concerned, in extremis, I suppose I could have found out your details but probably wouldn't in practice and it wouldn't be appropriate anyway as we haven't met' then ok. He probably wished halfway through the sentence he hadn't started saying anything hence saying it was creepy. However if you got the impression it was more of a cock swinging 'I can get anything I need on you' I would be very put off.

Obv not suggesting you do this now but for your peace of mind please be aware that you could inform his employer about what he had suggested doing and this would be dealt with very decisively.

MaeveDidIt · 19/03/2021 18:31

I shouldn't worry about it, your blunt response has probably frightened him off now anyway.

Eckhart · 19/03/2021 19:45

The thing is, it could be a totally innocent remark from him, where he was genuinely concerned about you and said what's true; it isn't that hard to find out someone's address. Or it could be a power play. Or it could be all stalkery and weird and creepy, and that fact that he said 'but that would be creepy' made it even creepier.

We don't know. He might not really know.

What you need to go on is your emotional response. To be honest, just from reading the heading of your post, I thought 'Leave!'. There's a lot of people in the world. Lots of them won't freak you out when you're dating. Find one of them instead of the guy who has freaked you out.

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