If your mum left /divorced your father and never found somebody new, did you worry about that?

[Number3BigCupOfTea]

Just reading the thread about blended families. Ive been single for nearly 14 years now. Is that bad for DC in a different way? I met some right princes on OLD 😵 so i gave up. Ive been happier since I gave up. But somebody once said to me that it bothered her that her mother had been single her whole life.

Did you get to an age where you began to want your mother to try to meet somebody?
Just wondering btw.
Interested in other people's experiences if they were in the shoes my dc are in now.

This thread is very interesting.

My father and mother split when I was a year old and she nearly always had a man in her life, for better or worse. There was a 5 year period where I didn't really meet or get to know any of them. Then she married my stepdad.

In contrast, I split from my husband (DD4's father) a year and a half ago. He was so emotionally abusive that I can't quite imagine ever letting any man get close to me again!

I have friends whose mothers never met another man after their divorce, and they seem to have quite intense mother-daughter relationships. I'm worried about burdening my own daughter in this way.

My parents divorced when I was three. My dad has been with my stepmum ever since(although never married). My mum met her dp when I was nine. He was a sociopath who physically and sexually abused both myself and my sister. They split up when I was 17 and my mum has been single ever since.
We have been NC for a few years as she has chosen to make me the scapegoat for her poor decisions. She is mentally very unwell but refuses to seek help.
I have been separated for four years. I have dated a lot,had a couple of relationship which fizzled out and ended up in a casual sex thing which messed with my emotions. Now I don't think I would mind if I never meet anyone. It's not worth the effort.

I'm not sure why another partner is the only option.

Why not share a house with another woman friend?

Men, especially when they age, are hard work for women.

It was the other way around for me. My parents divorced and my DM lived with a few men, married and divorced but my DF didn’t have another relationship.

Dad died when I was young and mum never had another relationship. From what I gather there was a lot of drama towards the end and she most likely didn't want any more. She was also fiercely independent and wouldn't have wanted anyone interfering with her space. Probably also a bit set in her ways.

However, it meant over time that our family became enmeshed. I'm still unpicking all of this.

I wish my mother had stayed single, at least for a few years after she divorced my dad.

My parents had a horrible, messy divorce that dragged on for years with us all living in the same house that was divided into dad's rooms and our rooms. My siblings & I came out of it traumatised. Almost as soon as the house was sold and we moved into a new house with my mum she started dating a man. I think we never had time to recover and relax into being a proper family who got their equilibrium back. DM was out several nights of the week & at weekends, and I (an older teenager) was left to look after my siblings - cooking, making sure our school uniforms were ready for next day, making sure we were in bed on time etc. My brother who was still at junior school was particularly affected. The man my mother chose was a domineering bully who had never had children of his own & didnt understand children. My sister & I left home as soon as we were earning our own livings - we both chose to get jobs & not go to uni despite having good a'level grades so that we could move out. DMs partner wanted my mother to throw my brother out as soon as he reached 18.

The situation has had repercussions throughout our adult lives - I blame it for the severe anxiety & depression that I suffer from.

@RantyAnty

I'm not sure why another partner is the only option.

Why not share a house with another woman friend?

Men, especially when they age, are hard work for women.

I can't imagine not preferring my own space! I'd like good friends you can count on though.

@MrsBerthaRochester

My parents divorced when I was three. My dad has been with my stepmum ever since(although never married). My mum met her dp when I was nine. He was a sociopath who physically and sexually abused both myself and my sister. They split up when I was 17 and my mum has been single ever since. We have been NC for a few years as she has chosen to make me the scapegoat for her poor decisions. She is mentally very unwell but refuses to seek help. I have been separated for four years. I have dated a lot,had a couple of relationship which fizzled out and ended up in a casual sex thing which messed with my emotions. Now I don't think I would mind if I never meet anyone. It's not worth the effort.

That is awful. I can't imagine what you went through. I'm the scapegoat of my family of origin but there was no sexual abuse. I completely see why you aren't bothered about meeting somebody. You can do anything you want on your own. You just need to be brave! I'm working on that myself.... If anybody has any book recommendations or exercises, let me know.

slightly different my dad died. Mum stayed single and stated that she felt it was safer for us and now her grandchildren. She is now in her 70s and rather glad she isn't lumbered with a man as many of her friends are fed up with husband's.
But I understand being a widow is very different as she still loves my dad.

@knackeredcat yes my family of origin is so enmeshed as well. My parents will be extremely hurtful and then act like they have the right to hurt me iykwim. And that I am being aggressive asking them to treat me with respect. Any boundary I try to put up is seen as an aggression, met with martyrdom. So I'm trying to figure out how to react to that in a way that allows me to respect myself even if they do not respect me.

I'M listening to a Jerry wise video on youtube right now, as he has a lot to say on the subject of enmeshment. Have you any books or clips to recommend as you've been on this path too?

Yeah same, my dad died and mum stayed single. Mostly due to her alcoholism but even so. I don’t see that it’s affected me either way tbh.

Like @catatecheese, my mother was widowed. I remember her sitting me down and saying she wanted me to know she wasn't looking to find someone else, but wouldn't rule it out if she met someone who was worth it. It freaked me out a bit since it hadn't occurred to me she would be dating! Anyway, she didn't meet anyone and says she is perfectly happy that way. As an adult I do sometimes wish she had the company but I can see that that's me wishing (and feeling guilty for not living locally) not her. She has plenty of friends and says she would make an awful wife now because she is so used to living alone and doing what she wants, when she wants. In a way for her it has got easier as she gets older - more of her friends are alone too and keen to meet up and do things (whether because they are widowed, golf widows, or just have husbands they complain about all the time).

My MIL has been single for nearly 40 years! FIL had an affair and left for the OW. So DH (a toddler at the time) grew up without any male role model or knowing what a loving parent relationship looked like. MIL is now very set in her ways, quite intolerant and inflexible and very used to how she does things (e.g. takes well over an hour to get ready). I also worry that she will become more of a liability as she gets older. I wish she’d had a relationship. It would have provided companionship for her and also she wouldn’t look to us to spend every Christmas etc. She’s nice, but it feels like an obligation to entertain her to be honest.

In the words of some singer.. I’d rather be alone than unhappy.
It’s not your children’s choice if you have a partner or not

@Number3BigCupOfTea I completely get that. I think Mum still saw me as a child who she'd provided lots of love, care and material things who'd be nice and polite rather than an adult with a different personality and opinions to her. So we did lock horns quite a bit but there was a grudging mutual respect - eventually. It took many attempts at boundary setting on my part including threats of me not visiting as I had to fly back home (she was too ill to travel).

However it took her death for me to see that things were never OK. We were too close, I lived at home an embarrassingly long time and even now in my 40s I still often feel I'm "cosplaying" as a "proper" adult, if that makes sense. I think if she were alive now I'd be LC/VLC - who can say.

Good luck and stand your ground - if the penny doesn't eventually drop, start withdrawing contact bit by bit.

Funny you should say that. I did have to live at home with her (with young dc as well) from late 30s to early 40s but it wasn't healthy. I had to do what she wanted me to do, always, and there was no discussion as she would get very angry very quickly if I even tried to put forward another 'path'. And this was to do with important decisions that should have been mine. But ...... I am facing up to the fact that I need to be lc now. She just doesn't see me as another human being at all. But like you say, I cared too much about that, so there was an enmeshment there. Thank you @knackeredcat

14yrs here too. My dc's have never mentioned me meeting anyone else.

I will probably stay single though. I'm too anxious, have health issues and my body isn't great. I don't have the energy to burden anyone else with that. I'll also be mortgage free which is a very privileged position to be in.

Aren't there stats showing the single women live longer than single men? Something like that. Basically it's better for women to have their freedom than be tied to a man who expects to be looked after.

If she can find a man to be reciprocally caring, and does his fair share of house work and general life admin that may be different.

As for my mother, I felt bad she didn't have good luck with men after my father. In hindsight, the family friend who said "No man will put up with being treated like your mum does." was spot on. She's single. I'm not bothered for either way whether she's alone if not. I'm happy not to have to worry about a man being abused by her though, while she claims victimhood.

I actually really valued the fact that she didn’t look for anyone else. To be fair it was her third marriage.

I was really worried about her meeting another man, starting a new family or having to blend with another family. The stability of it being just us was the best for growing children and I was genuinely scared of a new man coming into the house to stay overnight when I was about to go through puberty. Divorce is bad enough without your parents bringing people over to have sex with and you starting to feel like you are in the way in your own home.

My siblings also waited until the kids were either out the home or 16 plus before dating. I think it was really admirable and personally believe kids should come first and relationships can wait.