If your mum left /divorced your father and never found somebody new, did you worry about that?

[Number3BigCupOfTea]

Just reading the thread about blended families. Ive been single for nearly 14 years now. Is that bad for DC in a different way? I met some right princes on OLD 😵 so i gave up. Ive been happier since I gave up. But somebody once said to me that it bothered her that her mother had been single her whole life.

Did you get to an age where you began to want your mother to try to meet somebody?
Just wondering btw.
Interested in other people's experiences if they were in the shoes my dc are in now.

My dad died when I was 13. My mum was 40. She's now 65 and still on her own, saying that she's still in love with my dad, never wanted anyone else and has now been alone too long anyway.

I would have liked her to have met someone else, but during Covid, being able to form an extended household with her has been a godsend for all of us. She says she isn't lonely and enjoys her own company, but until last year she was a carer for my Gran so she's finally getting some time to herself which is good.

My dad wa my mums first serious relationship, they were married 10 years and divorced when I was 5. She's been single ever since, which is nearly 30 years. At this point I think she is unlikely to meet anyone, I'm not sure she'd even know how to go about it, she hasn't dated since she was a teen, and is now nearly 60.

To be honest it is a bit of a worry, she's probably quite lonely, this year especially, and is a little more dependent on my sister and I for socialization. For instance, we are the only people who would buy her Christmas/ birthday gift, and have been since we were children, so theirs more of an obligation to make a fuss (more apparent when we were teens/ early 20, the supermarket flowers other teens got for their mums wouldn't really cut it).

Theirs also more of a need to visit (outside of lockdown) and phone, as if I didn't she could go weeks without having a meaningful conversation. Not usually a problem, I enjoy our chats, but it's a long drive so takes full day every weekend to visit, which can be difficult if I also have other stuff to fit in with kids or general life stuff. If she had a partner I wouldn't feel bad about giving it a miss some weeks, but I can't really leave her on her own.

Sorry my there's seem to have turned to theirs

I'm sometimes sad and worried for my mum that's she's alone as she gets older, but that's in large part because of her personality and how much I think she would benefit from someone being around. If she had a fuller life (not a judgement at all! But true for various reasons) or an easier time of things health-wise I think I'd be less worried.

I'm a worrier by nature, though.

My father died young . My mum never dated anyone. She died herself 30 years later.

My mum has been single for 20 years. My father was abusive and her first husband (divorced long ago no children with him) wasn't really much better.

I do often think of her meeting someone nice and not being alone but she seems happy enough and that's what matters really.

Honestly I wish she had had some inclination to meet someone, she needed to allow herself to have fun. It is a shame that she hasn't.

@RunningKatie I think, especially where there's infidelity involved, it's not so much not conciously having the inclination or allowing yourself to have fun, as it is the experience can be so emotionally traumatic and damaging that you almost become relationship-phobic. When you've so comprehensively lowered your most intimate barriers to someone and so resolutely trusted them, allowing yourself to become incredibly vulnerable, having that person then not only reject you but reveal themselves to be working against you through all the lies and deceit can be incredibly damaging.

It's something I only fully appreciated and understood when I divorced my ex because of adultery myself. I always thought my main emotion would be righteous anger and I'd be able to simply go "Bah! If you couldn't appreciate me, someone else will!" But there's a sub-concious revulsion there now in the primitive part of my brain - kind of like what people say about us having a primal fear of all spiders because our ancestors got bitten by poisonous types. Even if, rationally, I'd love another relationship, when things start to happen partof my brain panics and fears becoming vulnerable and betrayed again.

It's nothing to do with bitterness. It's a self-protection instinct. Having to press the self-destruct button on our marriage because the person I thought was my best friend turned out to be full of deceit was a horrible, horrible experience to go through and I never, ever want to experience the like again.

God @PonderVision that really resonants. I've been looking at online dating but only half heartedly and I think what you've said might be the reason why. It's like I'm thinking, what is the point, it will probably only end badly.

It wasn't infidelity here, but the trust was broken after nearly 20 years together.

My mums been single 11 years but my siblings still live at home. I worry about her once they leave and she's alone. That's about 4years away. She'll be 54

After a string of affairs (which all us children knew about), my Mum and Dad finally got divorced and she left and then married her latest bloke.
Dad never got together with anyone else, he didn't want to put himself where he might have to go through the same pain again.
Having had my partner die a few years ago, I think I can now understand why.

My parents split up 15 years ago. My mum had a relationship of a few years that ended about 6 years ago (he turned out to be abusive) and that's been it.

She's entirely happy on her own and, to quote her, "wouldn't have another man if his arse was studded with diamonds".

Her mum was the same, twice divorced by her late 40's and never had another relationship.

My dad died 14 years ago and my mum has never dated again. She always said she wasn't interested and I respect that - I was an adult when it happened - but I do think all those years on her own has made her more difficult company, and lockdown has been very very lonely for her.

@JorisBonson

My parents split up 15 years ago. My mum had a relationship of a few years that ended about 6 years ago (he turned out to be abusive) and that's been it.

She's entirely happy on her own and, to quote her, "wouldn't have another man if his arse was studded with diamonds".

Her mum was the same, twice divorced by her late 40's and never had another relationship.

Jesus I don't even know what year it is, they divorced 20 years ago!

My parents divorced 25 years ago my mom dated one guy for a short time about 20 years ago but tbh was happier single.

She has led a full life is very independent and has time to spend with us and all her gc as well as holidaying and spending time with friends. I

’m so proud of her for setting a fab example of self reliance and internal happiness that doesn’t rely on partner. She has an active social life normally but has coped well during lockdown too although has done a lot of redecorating and furniture renovation to keep busy!!

I’m in a happy relationship I think made happier because I know it’s a choice not a necessity iyswim, I would rather be on my own than in an unhappy relationship.

My gorgeous DM has remained blissfully single for 35 years since her divorce from my DF. A few flings for fun apparently, but nothing I was ever aware of at the time as a child / teen. She is very happy in her own company, and an excellent example to my DDs of how women do not depend on spouses emotionally or financially for their happiness.

@PonderVision

I'm 60 and It was 10 years ago last Saturday that my marriage ended in the same way as yours did. In all that time since, and still now, I find it hard to explain to well meaning friends, and my DD, why I just can't go there again. Despite the fact that I have a very good job and I've done much better since divorcing her DF than he has, she worries about me in the same way that other PP's have said they worry about their DM's.

But you have said it so clearly and in a way that absolutely fits for me, and I think that's why I can't articulate it myself when DD tries to encourage me to give someone else a chance. Because it's primal and there aren't words, necessarily.

I think it would have been useful to me to have a model of a relationship. As it is, not only did my mother stay single (not voluntarily, I think she just never met anyone—it's not something we can talk about) but I then had not one but two abusive relationships & couldn't model a good one for my DC.
Mind you, they seem to be doing ok in that area—they could probably model one for me! But I've been single now most of the time for almost 20 years & can't see how I'd meet anyone or feel I could have a successful relationship at this point.

I've been single for nearly 8 years since my husband left for OW. I had a long FWB relationship because that was all I could cope with but he wanted children and met somebody more appropriate, which was absolutely fine. I have dated a bit here and there. Sick and tired of married men who seem to think I'm an easy target. I'm going to be 52 this year and I have an autistic child who has just turned 10. Ex has no contact (his choice). DS has asked me to find him "another daddy". I don't want to! I have lost my ability to trust, I will never share finances with somebody again and imagine that I will be alone going forward. It is what it is, I just can't be arsed 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mother had boyfriends but never anyone serious. It never bothered me at the time and in many ways I agree it’s good to have a role model of someone who doesn’t need to be in a relationship.

BUT now she is elderly and although still very independent, I do feel a bit weighed down being her, if you will, closest contact. It makes me feel emotionally responsible for her in way that I wouldn’t if she had a partner.

My mother remarried when I was 18 and hated losing her independence and made my step dad very unhappy.
I have been single for almost 8 years but with three long term flings - I refuse to enter a relationship again as I’m best when alone. My ex has had several partners and I feel sorry for them all! My kids say they are happy if I meet someone but I’ve kept my love life private from them as I saw how upset they were about the constant revolving door of girlfriends. I got it good! I don’t rule out another situationship but too busy at the moment maybe later this year

My mum left when I was 16 and she never had another relationship after that (she was in her early 40’s). She seems happy and enjoys her freedom to do what she wants, but I do know she gets lonely. My father met and much later married someone over 30 years younger. Luckily they are well suited and have a lovely relationship. Seeing how happy they are together does make me feel sad my mother didn’t have the same. They both deserved to be in happy and fulfilling relationships, but for whatever reason it didn’t happen for her. Now he’s in his 80’s, my father is incredibly lucky to have someone there for him (his wife has recently retired in order to spend more time together).

My parents separated when I was 11 after being on and off for about 11 years so it was a blessing. My mum was 32 and my dad was 35. Neither have remarried but mainly because they seem to have never really got over each other.

My dad waited until I was about 25 to have another relationship and my mum waited until I moved out at 18. I'm glad she did as she turned out to be a nightmare and it would have been a terrible example of how to be in a relationship.

I was always worried about them being lonely and they are but that's because of the type of people they are. Not because they didn't remarry.

Thank you for all these personal stories.

Reading and digesting them all..I will make sure that I live walking distance from a town, I won't need lifts to shops, GPs..

@Iris27

God *@PonderVision* that really resonants. I've been looking at online dating but only half heartedly and I think what you've said might be the reason why. It's like I'm thinking, what is the point, it will probably only end badly.

It wasn't infidelity here, but the trust was broken after nearly 20 years together.

I think it hurts less every time. I didn't leave my x because of cheating but because of the realisation that he felt entitled to hurt me and got angry when I tried to put a stop to that, and felt the problem was me not allowing myself to be hurt iyswim. I dated a few idiots on line and a couple of times it hurt but towards the end I was Taylor Swift singing ''blank space'' I'm dying to see how this one ends...... I really did think, why will this one end? And I realised, I always know before it starts why it will end so what is the point. I had a tough period between November 2017 and February 2018 when about three men in a row rejected me. I might only have been on one or two dates with them but I felt very low, to be rejected three times in a row and that was after a series of McRelationships with idiots.

I realised that I have never felt better about myself as a woman, as a person and that is not noticed or appreciated on line. So. Stop. I got my mojo back very quickly.