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Original poster

Spending time together?

45 replies

venice1232020 · 16/03/2021 18:38

I recently started dating this man, the other days he randomly messaged me saying that if we were to get into a relationship he would want 50% of weekends with his friends to go to pub/drink and 4 holidays with his friends a year (without me ). I found this odd, usually in a relationship and I'm not living with them I would spend every weekend with them unless something came up e.g. a night out with friends, I don't mind a boyfriend seeing friends/going out drinking but I have never had a timetable like this given to me, is this odd or am I being sensitive? We are both in or 30s with no kids.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/03/2021 18:40

He's not that into you and you're a potential "good enough for now"

He's going to remain single and you his FWB with the label of relationship slapped on.

highlightsonlyplease · 16/03/2021 18:42

WTF, who lays down the law like that - bin him off

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 18:43

FFS. Run for the hills. He's very clearly telling you that you will not be his priority. You have been warned, believe him.

mellicauli · 16/03/2021 18:43

Wow. If that's his idea of wooing you, imagine what it will be like after 20 years with him?!

He appears to be deficient in the charm, manners and self awareness departments

Why in God's name does he think you would deign to be in a relationship with him when he clearly only wants to have sex with you, not to share a life with you.

You are worth more than the crumbs he is prepared to give you.

lifehack · 16/03/2021 18:44

If you're wanting to settle down, he's definitely not the one.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 18:46

Wow. If that's his idea of wooing you, imagine what it will be like after 20 years with him?!

Hahaa, no kidding! What a charmer, eh?

Op, I really hope you're smarter than to carry on with this fuckwit.

wusbanker · 16/03/2021 18:46

That's odd yeah. He sounds like he probably thinks he's a lad and I couldn't be arsed with it in my 30s.

wobblywinelover · 16/03/2021 18:53

Tell him you want 50 percent of your weekends to do what you want and then conveniently not be available for his 50 percent then see how he reacts. If you can be bothered. He sounds like he wants everything on his terms and doesn't care about your feelings tbh. Why lay it out like that? If you did it to him would he like it? That's the point i'm trying to make

wobblywinelover · 16/03/2021 18:54

When I say if you can be bothered, I mean, well it sounds like he's too much hard work...

gracefull · 16/03/2021 18:54

Responses lack empathy for why he might’ve said that and jump to the conclusion that he doesn’t like you, which is odd to me and not where my mind went at all...
Yes, it is unusual to set out a timetable like this. However, the motivation behind it may not be so sinister. I would go about having a conversation about it. Ask why he feels he needs to set rules around time spent together. Is this flexible or non-negotiable? E.g can be only give you one weekend day a week? Is he expecting one weekend on, one weekend off? He is the only person who can give you the answers. Posters on this site are just speculating from the limited information you are giving.
Alternative explanations include: he has been in a suffocating relationship previously where he was prohibited from spending time with friends. He may be panicking about losing his freedoms and is going about addressing his concerns badly.
This is just an alternative hypothesis to what PPs have suggested. I am not suggesting I am right. Only he knows what his motivation is.
I would also ask yourself, how do you feel about this/is this an arrangement you’d be happy with? A friend of mine made it clear at the start of her relationship she only wanted to spend Wed and Sun with her bf. They’re still together 6 years on, and there relationship has evolved in that time. I think, as always on this site, PPs are quick to oversimplify a situation and tell you to leave. Please talk to your partner rather than strangers who are speculating.

mellicauli · 16/03/2021 19:02

@gracefull no matter what sad things have happened to him before, he has just made it clear (rightly or wrongly) that he considers himself to be in a bargaining position here. This either means he rates himself exceedingly highly or he doesn't rate the OP that much. Neither of which are terribly attractive in a potential partner.

Shoxfordian · 16/03/2021 19:07

He sounds like a catch Hmm

Lampan · 16/03/2021 19:07

At this early stage, most people would be excited to see each other and spending time together as much as possible. Obviously this would change as time goes on but the fact that he’s already telling you this is a bad sign. He’s clearly not that bothered about putting you off. Even if spending time with friends is important to him (as it is to most people) it’s odd that he’s already saying this. And 4 holidays a year without you doesn’t leave much time for holidays with you. Personally I would take this as a sign that someone wasn’t really interested in me.

gracefull · 16/03/2021 19:12

@mellicauli thanks for your response. As I stated clearly in my post, I don’t think the way he is addressing his concerns is appropriate and agree with you on that. However, I personally don’t want to jump to conclusions about his character from such limited information. If I was the OP, I would want to speak to him and understand where this odd and unusual behaviour is rooted rather than deciding it meant he didn’t think I was good enough and leaving, as that may not be the case. Of course, it may also be the case. I just don’t think the OPs post offers enough information to be drawing such dramatic conclusions either way.

Wanderlusto · 16/03/2021 19:17

How bizarre! Far too full on for me. I mean that being said I would not want to spend every weekend with partner. At least not the full weekend. But sure it's a play it by ear scenario. This kinda makes it feel like he is giving you terms you have to agree to in order to keep him. Feels a bit...hard work...

CaptSkippy · 16/03/2021 19:25

@RandomMess

He's not that into you and you're a potential "good enough for now"

He's going to remain single and you his FWB with the label of relationship slapped on.

This was my thought as well.
TheBusiness · 16/03/2021 19:28

Well you know where you stand.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 19:30

Well you know where you stand.

She certainly does. At the back of the line.

TheBusiness · 16/03/2021 19:30

And he’s saying, don’t expect any more from me as you’re not going to get it.

I’d tell him where to go tbh.

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 16/03/2021 19:33

4 lads holidays on his own per year! That takes the biscuit. Move on I say!

Wanderlusto · 16/03/2021 19:52

@Heartofgoldmumof2

4 lads holidays on his own per year! That takes the biscuit. Move on I say!
4 'lads' holidays per year? In his 30s? Pfffft. Run.
Easterbunnygettingready · 16/03/2021 19:53

He wants guaranteed sex without any real commitment..

EarthSight · 16/03/2021 20:00

@Wanderlusto That's what I thought.....and what exactly would this mean? A fishing weekend or boozy/druggy trip to Amsterdam or Ibiza?

Spinachsarah · 16/03/2021 20:12

Training you to have low expectations.

Dacquoise · 16/03/2021 20:17

@Easterbunnygettingready, totally agree. Wants the benefits of a 'relationship ' but the 'freedom' of a single man. What happens if you want marriage and children? The coldness of this gives me the shivers.

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