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Relationships

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Original poster

Spending time together?

45 replies

venice1232020 · 16/03/2021 18:38

I recently started dating this man, the other days he randomly messaged me saying that if we were to get into a relationship he would want 50% of weekends with his friends to go to pub/drink and 4 holidays with his friends a year (without me ). I found this odd, usually in a relationship and I'm not living with them I would spend every weekend with them unless something came up e.g. a night out with friends, I don't mind a boyfriend seeing friends/going out drinking but I have never had a timetable like this given to me, is this odd or am I being sensitive? We are both in or 30s with no kids.

OP posts:

highlightsonlyplease · 18/03/2021 18:31

I am in my 40s been in long term relationship most of my life, I'm currently single and I am not bothered about spending every weekend with a potential partner, and wouldn't mind them going on holidays without me (I'd be doing the same - I also work PT so I have lots of time to go on holiday by swapping my days etc so don't ever run out of holiday leave or money - which it sounds like he might) I'm not sure I would have liked that in my 30s when I was looking for a relationship which would lead to us living together/marriage/children.
It's not what he wants to do, it's how he is stating it, unless of course he has a golden dick...

WisnaeMe · 19/03/2021 04:34

Text him back that you've given it some thought and you prefer he has 100% of weekends and holidays with himself, and Block 🌺

Mintychocolate · 19/03/2021 04:39

Wow. He thinks he's doing you a massive favour. Dump him. And don't soften it. By text 'Ive decided you're not what I want. I wish you all the best.' The block

Who the fuck does he think he is and more to the point why did you even let him finish this lecture?? This is a complete no brainer. Don't even engage with the ins snd outs of this or debate amounts of time etc. Just dump and block. Awful awful man.

Mintychocolate · 19/03/2021 04:44

And I've dated a lot of men. None have ever said anything even remotely like this to me. This is 100% disrespect tied in with him thinking he is a god amongst men. He's what you would call avoidant in relationship terms. He's 'setting out his stall'. If you accept his terms you have no comeback.

'I never said we were exclusive' (you won't be trust me). ' I told you we were casual' etc. Sorry but if you want a FWB get a charming one who is handsome and great in bed. Not this bellend.

Swordfish1 · 19/03/2021 12:57

Wants the benefits of a 'relationship ' but the 'freedom' of a single man.

This.

Text him back that you've given it some thought and you prefer he has 100% of weekends and holidays with himself

And This

dreamingbohemian · 19/03/2021 13:02

omg who does this??

even if he is scarred by some past issue, the fact that he jumped to dictating terms to the OP, with seemingly no care as to whether it might put her off completely, is a huge red flag

Bin him off

TigsytheTiger · 19/03/2021 13:26

Thanks for the heads up in advance but I think I'll swerve that generous offer! - I'd send this is response.

wishfuldreamer · 19/03/2021 14:07

I agree with the earlier poster who commented on the way that this is brought up. it's quite strange to send this in a text message.

people do relationships differently, and the place their partner has in their life may be important, but not necessarily displace the other pre-existing important relationships such as friendships. They may not want to assume that all free time is 'default' time with a partner. This is all fine.

but even if it was something you wanted, OP, this sort of conversation is something that needs to be discussed, not dictated in a short text message. It's good to have boundaries, and to set out expectations, but I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who can actually talk about this kind of thing, not just bark it at me in a text out of the blue, and set a rigid timetable.

So, it may not be the style of relationship you want, but also, he doesn't give off great vibes at being in the type of relationship that he seems to want, either.

Shaz786o · 19/03/2021 14:24

Shouldn't it evolve in a way as you get to know each other, why would someone set it out like this at the start?

Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 15:00

There could very well be something else going on here. He could be married or involved with someone.

Midtowngirl · 19/03/2021 16:06

I would say bye bye ! 4 holidays a year - will there be any leave left at work to go on holiday with you ? What about when you have kids? It’s just so odd to text this. I think it means you will be bottom of his priority list and it’ll all about ‘the boys’. Run

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 16:08

Exactly what everyone else has said, and what everyone you ever speak to will say!

Lovelydiscusfish · 19/03/2021 16:35

It’s a bit weird to lay it out so specifically. I mean, the holidays bit, why do you even need to know that at this point? Does he imagine you were planning on compelling him to stay by your side at all moments?

I think he is probably trying to say he isn’t looking for anything too intense or full on, and has just gone about it a weird way. So how you react to that depends on what you are hoping for, really.....

Feelings change, anyway. My boyfriend and I both said to each other (before our first date I think) that we weren’t looking for anything full on, just someone to occasionally go out and have fun with. Now we are madly in love and spend all the time we can together.......

I think it would be better if your fella just let things develop organically - naturally the longer you are with someone the more time you would probably spend together. The fact that he is being so specific - yeah, bit weird and annoying.

If you like him otherwise, why don’t you ask him about it - what point he is trying to make, and why he has bought it up? What’s the worst that can happen?

BusyLizzie61 · 19/03/2021 19:34

[quote mellicauli]@gracefull no matter what sad things have happened to him before, he has just made it clear (rightly or wrongly) that he considers himself to be in a bargaining position here. This either means he rates himself exceedingly highly or he doesn't rate the OP that much. Neither of which are terribly attractive in a potential partner.[/quote]
He's not saying that at all. He's simply setting his stall from the outset. Op's view is very claustrophobic and tbh I'd be saying similar tbh, especially at the onset of a relationship and given the past year where we have been so restricted, I wouldn't want to feel like I was then in a relationship straight jacket.

I don't think that it means he's not into you op. I think that he's being honest.

ChristmasFluff · 19/03/2021 19:42

OP, it doesn't work for you, and that is all you need to know.

It wouldn't work for me, or for the majority of others who have replied either. Not that it matters - what matters is it doesn't work for you.

You can find someone more suited, and so can he.

mellicauli · 20/03/2021 00:43

@BusyLizzie61 So if he had a date with Scarlett Johansson, he'd have sent exactly the same text? I don't think so. He'd have felt jolly lucky to have a chance with her at all. As he should be to be considered as a potential partner by the OP.

EveningsInTheSummerhouse · 20/03/2021 07:14

Interesting. On another forum I'm on, I saw that a woman had made similar stipulations about her time. She was considered to have good blundaries: not sacrificing everything else in her life for a relationship; not prioritising him over other commitments in her life etc.

I think the 4 holidays thing is a bit odd. Unless he means weekends away. I dont know anyone who has 4 holidays a year.

Of course, it's possible that he might not he that into you, but it's also possible he has had bad experiences with an ex who demanded al of his time akd he's just making his boundaries clear early on.

I have friends, hobbies and children. I too would be unwilling to give up all of every weekend for a new boyfriend - and never have done.

One day/night every weekend or a whole weekend every other week.

I also like to have weekends away with my friends that I wouldnt necessarily want a boyfriend to he involved with.

I'd probably have a conversation with him about it. His reaction and response will tell you what the reason is.

Does he imagine you were planning on compelling him to stay by your side at all moments?

Some of the responses on here indicate that that is exactly what some women expect. I've experienced men who expected it too. It suits some people but not others.

I do think it should have been a conversation though.

Midtowngirl · 20/03/2021 07:38

I think the issue is at the beginning of a relationship this should be exciting and fun and developing organically. This text seems like a business contract. Is he getting it in writing so he can refer back to the terms and conditions for the rest of your relationship?It’s cold and leaves me cold.
I do think it’s important to chat about boundaries but I don’t think it’s a sign of a good communicator ( essential in any relationship!) to text something like this like an ultimatum.
Perhaps he was stung by an ex but you are a new person and don’t deserve the ‘toe the line’ text. I do think he will prioritise his friends, rather than balance things, by the tone of his text. I would rather just start looking for someone else than have contractual obligations by date 6 !

Lovelydiscusfish · 20/03/2021 07:53

@Midtowngirl

I think the issue is at the beginning of a relationship this should be exciting and fun and developing organically. This text seems like a business contract. Is he getting it in writing so he can refer back to the terms and conditions for the rest of your relationship?It’s cold and leaves me cold. I do think it’s important to chat about boundaries but I don’t think it’s a sign of a good communicator ( essential in any relationship!) to text something like this like an ultimatum. Perhaps he was stung by an ex but you are a new person and don’t deserve the ‘toe the line’ text. I do think he will prioritise his friends, rather than balance things, by the tone of his text. I would rather just start looking for someone else than have contractual obligations by date 6 !

Agreed - I think it is the contract-like nature of it that makes it seem a bit odd. I would have no problem with a fella who, early doors in a relationship, said “Let’s keep things light and easy for now - I still want to have time for my kids/friends/hobbies/whatever and I know you do too.”

But being told exactly what that will look like would seem a bit controlling. Your time together would have to fit around when you are BOTH free and keen to meet, after all. Not just when he is.

But he might just be a clumsy communicator. For me, a discussion about this would be needed. It will either set OP’s mind at ease, or she’ll know he’s not the one for her. Just speculating about his motivations (as I am doing now and I don’t even know him!) is a bit pointless......

frozendaisy · 20/03/2021 14:05

Well he's just taken all the fun, natural development out of the relationship.

He sounds stubborn and bossy. Boring move on!

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