sex problems with father of unborn baby

[yesterdaysbread]

Sorry that this is so long...!

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we are engaged and also expecting a baby in July.

After the initial honeymoon phase, so for about 2 years now, we have been having sex very infrequently, about once every 6 weeks. I would prefer it to be much more frequent but have learned not to initiate sex as he feels so bad when he inevitably turns me down. This has led to me suppressing my sex drive which has always been fairly high, I hardly even masturbate anymore as I would usually do it in bed before sleeping and can't as he is there. The physical and emotional toll of this is driving me slowly mad.

I have tried talking it through with him many times, but we always end up in the same cycle where nothing changes. I explain how I feel, he says how bad he feels about it, but that's the end of it. Most recent conversation about it was last week and he said maybe we could try scheduling sex as he feels overwhelmed by the spontaneity of sex...he says he doesnt like the amount of time it takes up 'going through the motions' of foreplay, the pressure on him to help me enjoy it, cleaning up and then cuddling afterwards...he frames the whole thing as a burden basically. He is a depressive person and has been since we've been together which is also used as a reason why he never feels like sex. Also has ongoing back pain which he never attempts to sort out for himself. Anyway, we actually ended up agreeing that scheduling sex wouldn't really work for us. So that was that, again.

Last night I felt so angry about it all that I slept on the sofa as I couldn't bear to be next to him. I wrote him a long message on whatsapp explaining how I felt so let down by his complete lack of interest in changing and saying that I wanted some space from the relationship. I feel as though I am doomed to a near sexless future with him as nothing has changed for 2 years.

This morning he came to talk about it. He didn't say anything for a while and then it turned into a huge conversation/argument about other faults in the relationship. He is bringing things up from 2 years ago - that in his previous job, I didn't go to the pub with him to socialise with his colleagues. (he always complained about them to me but I do agree I should have made more of an effort). and also about how I didn't participate in an element of his brother's wedding (a wedding which lasted over a week and there was a lot of expectations on the guests...I needed a bit of a break at some point but again I agree that maybe I should have made more effort).

Such a digression from the original sex problem, but it makes me feel that he has resentment towards me that he is hanging onto. I asked why he doesn't bring up problems he has with me at the time, he says he feels unable to as I won't respond well. I don't agree that I am as unreasonable as he clearly thinks I am, and after thinking about it I feel like his whole response to the situation was just to deflect away from the actual sex problem. If there are underlying issues that make him not want to have sex with me, then I would hope that he would bring them up, rather than just silently seething and not sleeping with me...

Not sure what to do now, I feel like with everything he said that there are problems in our relationship that may mean we are actually incompatible long term. I would rather carry on with the plans of marriage and start a family together, but feel with his resentments and communication style I am always struggling.

Thank you so much if you got this far! Looking forward to hearing any views from the outside

All i can read in this is that you're just not compatible. When did sex first become an issue? Maybe that was the time for make or break talks.

@Kelly345 it became an issue about 2 years ago...we were going through a difficult time in the relationship and I thought once we got through it, the sex would come back too, but it hasn't. There have been a couple of make or break talks throughout our relationship but we end up coming to the conclusion that we want to make it work. We are compatible in a lot of other ways including all our core values, but we are different in some major areas, i.e. he is a very sociable person, can't stand to stay at home watching TV whereas I am social but also like time to myself. These are the things that have come up before and are now making me question whether we should never have let it get this far :(

Crikey. Adding a baby to this relationship looks like a really bad idea. Whose idea was that?! Resentment rarely improves when you’re sleep deprived.

There's nothing like a newborn to kill your drive so maybe you won't find it so bad after the birth.

@DicklessWonder looking back now I am really wondering if we were idiots to do it. We both wanted to have kids but it was him who wanted to start TTC when we did. He also has sleep problems which tends to put him in a bad mood...I have to say I am also wondering how he is going to handle the sleep deprivation. When I write it all out like this I know it sounds bad, but there is so much to love about him too and so much that makes our relationship worth being in. I do think he will be a great dad but i am now also contemplating how it would be to bring the baby up as co-parents rather than as one family unit

I don’t see why you’ve stayed together for two years, you may as well just be friends if there’s no sex

@lifehack so true! which is why it feels all the worse that we are not doing it now!

Relationship counselling OP. Do it now. Put the marriage plans on hold and see if you can improve communication and meeting each others needs. You are bringing a baby into the world and even if you separated you would need to have a constructive relationship!
You won't really get good advice here on more sex OP - lots of advice for low libido partners not feeling guilty tho! I'd say it's obvious that the lack of sex is related to lots if unresolved relationship issues and I hope counselling can help untangle things for you both. At least you are talking now, how ever uncomfortable it feels to start. Just remember there is no substitute for being kind to one another through this, trying to avoid blame and recrimination and that you are both committed to making things work? Good luck OP x

@Shoxfordian i know :( i think the thing that saves it somehow is that he is very affectionate on a daily basis, kissing cuddling etc. but the sex is far too infrequent for a 'normal' relationship I think

Well, you're looking at a lifetime of mismatched libidos if you stay together as a couple.

You are so early into your relationship. There are people on here who have cultivated intimacy and have sex as much as both people want decades into their relationship so this has nothing to do with honeymoon periods.

I agree you are not particularly compatible, not because of sex but broader issues. Relationship counselling will help you see what is changeable and what isn't and whether there is a future here or not.

Would he be open to sex therapy?

@Seadad thank you so much for your supportive message! We have both talked about counselling before and I think we are overdue to start. I think he's willing to do this too so hopefully we can get some of these problems more out in the open. Thank you for the reminder to be kind to one another, I think that is also how we have managed to get through what we have so far! :)

I definitely wouldn't marry him, and I would absolutely be making plans to leave. Don't raise your baby in the midst of such an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. None of this will ever get better.

A couple of things I would say here.
Firstly, perhaps he should get testosterone levels checked as that could be a cause of low sex drive

Secondly, you say he is a very sociable person and hates to sit around watching tv and that your problems have been over the last 2 years. One year of that has been lockdown if you're in the UK, I can imagine it has a profound affect on the mental health of a really outgoing person. Could you see there being an improvement if he could live his normal life again?

@category12 this is what I am afraid of, that it will always be like this. He says that he does want it to change, and we did have much more of an active sex life in our earlier relationship...I am hoping that we can find a bit of middle ground.

@Jobsharenightmare that's a nice way of looking at it, that we can see what's changeable and what isn't. I think that's something neither of us can see on our own right now. Hopefully counselling can help us :)

@Shoxfordian I think so, I guess the question now is where to find a counsellor/therapist...maybe we should aim for one who specialises in sex problems

Relate can offer sex therapy

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-therapy

What do you want more, him or more frequent sex ?

You've had some very curt responses here OP. Really sorry this is happening in your relationship. I suspect it's his guilt about his low sex drive that caused him to bring up old resentments. This sounds like a calm discussion about what each of you wants from the relationship is necessary. A mismatched sex drive can be a problem, but his sounds really low, so it could be due to a number of reasons varying from lack of testosterone to him being gay but unwilling to face it, or anything in between. Would you/he consider talking to GP to rule things out? Sex therapy can also be very effective, and there are a number of strategies the pair of you could try. But the will has to be there.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you can find a way forward.

@Aquamarine1029 you could be right but how can you be sure it won't get better, do you have any similar experience? It could be the case but I suppose I'm just hoping that it isn't

@Tryinghardfornothing89 I think so, he has definitely found the lockdown challenging and can't wait to be 'free' again! I think we are both holding on for better times, but sometimes I feel like we have been doing this for so long, I wonder whether the light at the end of the tunnel will ever appear

Does he actually want to have more sex or would he be happy with rare to no sex?

There’s a big difference in my mind. If he is saying he would like to have more sex but he recognises there are blockages there for him (whether mental / physical) then theres potential right?

If he is saying that he has no desire to even want to have more sex then that’s a different level.

Perhaps he is Asexual? Perhaps he is using porn?

The major question is - does he want to do something about it or not?

If not, then that is your answer and that is the end of your sexual life - unless you leave him. And I would leave him.

If he is open to doing something about it then you can explore what that might be together- relationship counselling / sex therapy etc. But importantly what he can’t do is say “I don’t want to have sex with you because I resent XYZ random moment from 2 years ago” - that is bullshit. It is firstly manipulative and secondly it’s a lie. Straight up lie. Saying whatever he can to deflect any blame or ownership for his own issues.

Personally I’d be asking for some serious investment in resolving the issues and if I didn’t see that commitment I’d be leaving. You’d be much happier co parenting apart than living in a sexless, resent filled sham of a marriage.

Maybe this isnt for you or him, but you say you used to master bate every night before bed. Could you do it in his arms. At least then you might feel some of that intimacy and connection that is missing when you arent having sex.

OP - there are lots and lots of stories of mismatched libido - that in spite of talk and improvement for a month or two - never gets better! It can destroy people- and is often misunderstood. So men and women here who have experienced this will say run!
But what you've described is I think similar to when men post about low libido spouse who will be asked about housework and chores and childcare- in other words - every thing else that affects libido.
Also- you can marry someone with the same or even higher libido and it can go the other way. Libidos can become mismatched even if they start out OK- it's no guarantee.
You have the option of separating - you aren't married yet. And that option remains. It at least gives meaning to the option of staying and finding a way. There are no guarantees in this world - just trying to make the best choices.

@DinosaurDiana him, but it's becoming clear to me that the way things are at the moment is unsustainable. I don't know if I can face a lifetime of suppressing my sex drive so much, as painful as it would be to part ways I would have to do it if I knew it would always be like this.

@Juicyoranges thank you so much for your sympathy, it's much appreciated :) I wonder if there is a lack of testosterone, there are other underlying issues that he has including having strict parents who basically terrified him off sex with fears of unplanned pregnancy when he was younger, there are definitely ghosts haunting him that I think sex therapy with me and solo therapy can help with. We have been meaning to look into it but have been putting it off, I think it's now or never at this point

Best of luck @yesterdaysbread that sounds positive. I agree it's time to get on with therapy if you can. That bit of backstory is quite enlightening.