Sorry that this is so long...!
I have been with my partner for 3 years, we are engaged and also expecting a baby in July.
After the initial honeymoon phase, so for about 2 years now, we have been having sex very infrequently, about once every 6 weeks. I would prefer it to be much more frequent but have learned not to initiate sex as he feels so bad when he inevitably turns me down. This has led to me suppressing my sex drive which has always been fairly high, I hardly even masturbate anymore as I would usually do it in bed before sleeping and can't as he is there. The physical and emotional toll of this is driving me slowly mad.
I have tried talking it through with him many times, but we always end up in the same cycle where nothing changes. I explain how I feel, he says how bad he feels about it, but that's the end of it. Most recent conversation about it was last week and he said maybe we could try scheduling sex as he feels overwhelmed by the spontaneity of sex...he says he doesnt like the amount of time it takes up 'going through the motions' of foreplay, the pressure on him to help me enjoy it, cleaning up and then cuddling afterwards...he frames the whole thing as a burden basically. He is a depressive person and has been since we've been together which is also used as a reason why he never feels like sex. Also has ongoing back pain which he never attempts to sort out for himself. Anyway, we actually ended up agreeing that scheduling sex wouldn't really work for us. So that was that, again.
Last night I felt so angry about it all that I slept on the sofa as I couldn't bear to be next to him. I wrote him a long message on whatsapp explaining how I felt so let down by his complete lack of interest in changing and saying that I wanted some space from the relationship. I feel as though I am doomed to a near sexless future with him as nothing has changed for 2 years.
This morning he came to talk about it. He didn't say anything for a while and then it turned into a huge conversation/argument about other faults in the relationship. He is bringing things up from 2 years ago - that in his previous job, I didn't go to the pub with him to socialise with his colleagues. (he always complained about them to me but I do agree I should have made more of an effort). and also about how I didn't participate in an element of his brother's wedding (a wedding which lasted over a week and there was a lot of expectations on the guests...I needed a bit of a break at some point but again I agree that maybe I should have made more effort).
Such a digression from the original sex problem, but it makes me feel that he has resentment towards me that he is hanging onto. I asked why he doesn't bring up problems he has with me at the time, he says he feels unable to as I won't respond well. I don't agree that I am as unreasonable as he clearly thinks I am, and after thinking about it I feel like his whole response to the situation was just to deflect away from the actual sex problem. If there are underlying issues that make him not want to have sex with me, then I would hope that he would bring them up, rather than just silently seething and not sleeping with me...
Not sure what to do now, I feel like with everything he said that there are problems in our relationship that may mean we are actually incompatible long term. I would rather carry on with the plans of marriage and start a family together, but feel with his resentments and communication style I am always struggling.
Thank you so much if you got this far! Looking forward to hearing any views from the outside