I'm not sure on him anymore

[Kiwiblue02]

My husband and I have been married near seven years, there's been things that have bothered me but more so during lockdown and now I'm thinking I don't know what to do anymore.

He has never helped around the house, he works a stressful job (as do I) so never helps around the house because he's too tired. He rarely cooks, never washes up after I've cooked and doesn't even take his plate out to kitchen after I make dinner. I do. He's a very generous person as in will take me for meals and buys nice gifts, so I can't say he's tight as he's not. We are compatible in so many ways except he has zero respect for me in terms of helping me with daily chores. He just doesn't help around the house at all. If I don't cook he just won't even bother to eat and will eat snacks.

I've talked about this with him so many times, I've raised it again and again and again. And it doesn't change. So talking isn't going to do anything anymore.

Turning point for me is I got covid. I thought that would make him help me more. And it didn't. He didn't offer me anything to eat, drink. If anything he still expected me to cook for him.

I'm devastated, I'm not sure what to do here. I love him so much and don't want to end it but at the same time I feel I deserve better than this.

If he can't be bothered to look after me with covid, when will he. We are trying for our first baby, will he even help then? If we split what chance will I ever have of having a baby when starting again in my late thirties? I want my own child.

How can I get him to want to help me more?

You can't change you to fix someone else.

Theres no way to stop a selfish fucker from being selfish. Because it's about empathy and respect, someone has that for you or they don't. You've spoke with him and nothings changed so why would you expect it to in future?

If you have a baby with him, know that you'll be doing it alone. And you'll have the added bonus of still having to cook for him. And if you get sick when you have children, you'll be expected to take care of them and yourself and him, whilst sick.

I'm sorry. This sounds shit. My partner didn't understand about caring for somebody else and supporting them - I have met their parents and they are the same. When her mother was ill in hospital for a week, her father visited once for fifteen minutes to drop off supplies. However, we argued and fought until she did understand what was expected in a relationship. It's a fight or give up situation.

Will your partner help with a child? No not until you sort out them understanding why and how you care for your partner. My wife is a wonderful parent - much more fun than me, but leaves me with most of the grunt work and goes for the glory jobs at every opportunity. It is a tiring ongoing battle...

I'd put ttc on hold for starters.
Ask him why he doesn't cook or clean? Is it possibly that he doesn't know how to?
Establish the root of the issue and make plans and a time frame to change.
Tell him how much this impacts you.
Tell him you're considering ending the relationship because of it. He needs to know how much it affects you.

Send him this link. Tell him you're serious.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Having a baby with him is just going to make the situation worse i'm afraid. Guys like this have no awareness or consideration for their partners if they are sitting doing nothing and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. This is how so many of them are, they expect the woman to do everything like we live in the 1950's or something. The resentment is already setting in now so it would be 10 times worse with a baby. Please don't set yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

For fuck's sake, do not have a baby with this man. You think you're disgusted and fed up now? Just wait until the baby arrives and he still does nothing to help you or care for your child. He wouldn't even help you when you were sick. This marriage is already over, you just haven't left yet. You need to end this and move on, because this man will never change.

He is not going to change if you have a baby. You will just have even more responsibility alone.

Ask him why he feels chores and cooking are your responsibility. What would he do if he lived alone? He is basically treating you as a maid. And I think the fact that he didn't even care for you when you were ill says a lot.

You've brought it up with him many times and nothing's changed. If you want a child with him you'll have to suck it up. If you want a child with a supportive, helpful, fair partner, you'll need to move on, I'm afraid.

The short answer to your question is, you can’t. What you CAN do is stop running around after him - it sounds as though he has become accustomed to you doing everything (even taking his plate to the kitchen!). You say you have talked about how you feel but if you’ve continued to do everything then he hasn’t had to follow through with actions. So stop doing everything, just take care of yourself. See what response that generates.

In your discussions have you told him how seriously his lack of support affects you, and that it could mean the end of your marriage? I’m not a big fan of ultimatums but he needs to know that his continued behaviour will result in you leaving him. And you need to be prepared to do so if he doesn’t change.

Generosity with gifts is nice, but means nothing really. Generosity with time, care and support is far more important. In a partner, and especially in a parent.

Having a child with this man sounds like a bad idea unless you are happy to accept being, in effect, a single parent. In fact, you are already a parent - to him - so you would have two children to look after. Given that you are already tired, stressed and frustrated by this situation, how will you cope when there is a baby and you’re exhausted because you are doing everything, with zero support from him? Getting pregnant and hoping he’ll step up is an enormous risk to take, and if he doesn’t then leaving him will be that much harder when you have a baby to think about. It doesn’t sound like he is your partner in day to day life, let alone capable of being your partner in raising a child. And what sort of example would he set your child, leaving all the house work and chores to you?

It’s a really tough one OP, and I feel for you. I suspect you can do much better than this man. And there are other ways to have a baby - eg via sperm donor. Frankly, I’d rather go it alone than be stuck with a man who is going to be a hindrance not a help.

Good luck OP 💐

How can I get him to want to help me more

You can't. You can tell him what your boundaries are, though. As in 'I need you to do your bit in x, y, and z', and your consequences, as in 'Otherwise I will leave you/stop doing it for you/scream loudly for 5 minutes at 6am every time you have a day off and a lie-in planned', or whatever takes your fancy.

Have you asked him why he thinks you should do it all?

Stop ttc with him, fgs.

You know who this man is. He has shown you multiple times that housework is yours to do, and that he will not look after you when you're unwell. Having a child with such a man is a massive massive mistake. You have no idea how tired you will be and how resentful you will become of the lazy arsehole who could be taking some of the burden but isn't, and is in fact making more work for you.

Get out. You deserve someone who is kind and respectful, and who you can rely on when you're ill or tired or just a bit fed up.

I think you are in a situation where you have decide of what he does bring to the relationship is enough for you to live with the other things you aren't happy about. I don't think any couple is 100% happy all the time. you have to decide if on balance you'd rather be with him despite the issues or not. Given how he is he won't help with the baby , you can decide if that is OK for you or not. He might be better when the child is older but possibly not. Is this the type of dad you want for your child ? Would he go for couples counselling if he knew you are thinking about calling it a day ? From what you say though does he even respect you or care about you ? Other than the odd gift what is it he contributes ?

@sleepingdogs12

Thing is, with deciding "what you can live with" - you don't realise that what you think you can live with & can tolerate before children, is not the same as what you can tolerate after children.

When it's just the two of you, picking up his pants and always doing the cooking even when you're sick, is doable.

When you have a toddler and a newborn, and you just had a c-section, and he's expecting tea on the table and complaining about the lack of hoovering, that's quite another.

I think if he was doing enough in other areas of the relationship for OP to be happy, she wouldn't be posting on MN.

Just stop doing things around the house, STOP.
You are nothis domestic slave.
You've got COVID now, so there's a wonderful excuse to say you can't. Make him realise that roast chickens don't fly on the dining table by themselves.
You are ill now, make him used to do things. If he does none, ask him how you are supposed to get everything in order while you're still recovering. Or afterwards.
If he can't even prepare you food or drink, do you expect him to do so when you're old and suffering ? You might as well be on your own.
We are the 2020s - there's no place any longer for men who expect women to pick up after them.

Make him realise that roast chickens don't fly on the dining table by themselves

He will already know this. Stopping doing things is a good idea, but not as a passive aggressive way to solve the problem. It won't. He'll go out for food and leave takeaway containers all over the house, without caring if it gets cleaned or not. If he wanted 'clean', he'd clean.

Stopping doing things for him will stop OP having to do everything, but it won't solve the problem.

How can you have any love or respect for a man who treats you like that? Why on earth would you think having a baby with him was a good idea?

Can you imagine yourself after a C-section, struggling to move - do you think he'd help you? Do you think he'd cook dinner for you and wash up? If you were in hospital with the baby for a few days, do you think you'd come home to a clean and tidy house?

You really need to look clearly at this. He might buy you meals (that he hasn't had to cook and which he will enjoy eating anyway) but he won't even move his own plate at home. He's awful.

Does he earn a good wage? If so, I'd spend his income (not yours) on a housekeeper to come in twice a week to clean, do laundry and batch cook. 2 full days while you are both at work.
I wouldn't even tell him. Just set up a standing order from his account once you have found the right person. Look at him like he's an idiot if he even mentions it. Don't engage. If your car needs fixing, you pay a mechanic. If your house needs cleaning, you pay someone.

He has got used to a cushy life. Spoiled rotten.

Do not have a baby with this person. The resentment you are feeling will only increase when you are doing everything the same as now, plus carrying all the mental load that goes with having a child.

You're right, you do deserve more, if a marriage is going to work it needs to be a equal partnership, not one person effectively becoming the paid help.

If he can't be bothered to look after me with covid, when will he. We are trying for our first baby, will he even help then?
I think you already know the answer to this, which is why you titled your message as you have. Of course you have a chance of having a baby if you start again in your late 30s, a friend of mine who is older than you has just given birth to her first child after leaving a very similar situation. Bringing a child into the mix will exacerbate the situation rather than suddenly cure it; he won't suddenly change the habits of a lifetime simply because he has fathered a child- in fact you've got a very real possibility that it will get a lot worse.

Generosity is nice, but its not the same thing as treating you with respect, and I would argue respect is more important if you want a relationship to work long term. You've explained many times that this is an important issue to you, and why it is an important issue to you as well. He has chosen not to engage with that. It doesn't if his cooking and cleaning is Stepford Wife standards of perfection or completely inept- the fact that it matters to you means he should have at least made an effort to try meet you in the middle somewhere. He hasn't because he doesn't want to do. He has shown you who he is, its up to you to decide if you can live with that as he won't change.
I know you love him, but a marriage needs more than that to survive long term- its needs trust, respect, and a level playing field for a start. I'm speaking from experience, I had a similar relationship in my twenties with a man I loved dearly, and it was very similar issues that broke us up in the end. You can't change who people are, or get them to do things they don't want to do. I tried to muddle through it all, doing the lions share of all the work around the house but eventually it made me massively resentful, and even though I loved him I didn't actually like him as person very much by the end of the relationship. These kinds of issues are so insidious and massively damaging to a relationship in the long term.

My husband is like this, if I don't cook we don't eat. Like yours he is generous and thoughtful, and buys gifts and organises lovely days out and evenings etc,...but the other day he had to ask where the clean towels are kept. I answered "same place as always" I found him wandering around dripping water all over the carpets. He was still looking for towels!

The only reason it works is because I have never expressly demanded a more equal share of domestic work. I work part time when I feel like it, he works 12 hr days with a 4 hr commute at the moment. He is exhausted at the moment, and I love him so I just deal with everything at home so he can have some time to relax. In the past he has suggested I work more hours so we can afford foreign holidays, at that point I gave him a complete breakdown of everything I do, and explained he would have to agree to do half of that. No more talk of holidays! The only thing I fear is retirement when I shall be wiping the arse of a big man baby.

I don't feel disrespected. You do, because you are doing everything he does and twice as much of everything else because he does nothing. And when you tell him you want help he ignores you. Unless he earns fuck loads of cash and can afford to keep you at home full time looking after him and his progeny I suggest you make a plan to leave. It won't get better unless you two have a serious conversation and he is prepared to make some effort to support you. I'm not one who thinks domestic work as unpaid work is of no value and those who do it, or most of it, or even all of it are in some way inferior and their contribution lesser. I therefore don't think it matters who does it. But if you combine waged labour and unwaged labour together and have a total, then the only equal thing to do is to ensure that both parties contribute equally in terms of time and equal free time.

I think if any partner works 12 hour days with a 4 hour commute, the other one should take on the major share of housework and cooking, especially if they only work part time and only when they feel like it.

With the OP though, both have stressful jobs, yet she is the one doing all the home stuff. I would be inclined to tell him this lack of help around the house is making you consider ending the relationship. You will end up doing everything for everybody if you have children. Do you really want your child to have him as a role model?

Why on earth are you trying to conceive with a man like this?

I appreciate his behaviour has been shit, he sounds like a selfish lazy prick, but it is not responsible of you either to bring a child into this relationship dynamic. It would be so unfair on the child to knowingly bring it into a relationship where men are allowed to be lazy and selfish but women are supposed to be helpful and do the cleaning and cooking and kindness (and let's be honest, a man like him will expect you to do all the childcare.)

Your future child deserves more than that, as do you.

Each to their own, but I couldn't live with someone who thought I was their personal slave.
To think you had covid and he didn't help you is quite staggering.

My friends ex was like this - she literally did all the domestic chores (including all the painting and decorating/lawn mowing and all 6.4ft of him just sat there and watched her) and when she got ill, he wouldn't even make her a cup of tea.