I'm not sure on him anymore

[Kiwiblue02]

My husband and I have been married near seven years, there's been things that have bothered me but more so during lockdown and now I'm thinking I don't know what to do anymore.

He has never helped around the house, he works a stressful job (as do I) so never helps around the house because he's too tired. He rarely cooks, never washes up after I've cooked and doesn't even take his plate out to kitchen after I make dinner. I do. He's a very generous person as in will take me for meals and buys nice gifts, so I can't say he's tight as he's not. We are compatible in so many ways except he has zero respect for me in terms of helping me with daily chores. He just doesn't help around the house at all. If I don't cook he just won't even bother to eat and will eat snacks.

I've talked about this with him so many times, I've raised it again and again and again. And it doesn't change. So talking isn't going to do anything anymore.

Turning point for me is I got covid. I thought that would make him help me more. And it didn't. He didn't offer me anything to eat, drink. If anything he still expected me to cook for him.

I'm devastated, I'm not sure what to do here. I love him so much and don't want to end it but at the same time I feel I deserve better than this.

If he can't be bothered to look after me with covid, when will he. We are trying for our first baby, will he even help then? If we split what chance will I ever have of having a baby when starting again in my late thirties? I want my own child.

How can I get him to want to help me more?

Yeah, I mean, what sort of love is there from the bloke in a relationship that he expects you to carry on skivvying for him when you're ill. I mean, it's a shit bloke that expects you to skivvy after him fullstop, but when you're ill?

Do not have a baby with this person. Your workload will then become totally unmanageable and then it will all fall apart. At least if you leave now you won’t have the complication of a baby. You could try introducing a rota or making it ‘every man and woman for themselves’ for a couple of weeks - see how that goes down or just accept he’s a lazy, disrespectful fucker and move on

Please
Do
Not
Have
A
Baby
With
Him

Have you really never discussed this? You've never pulled him up on it? You didn't go mad at him when you had covid?? You sound very passive? Has he got you fully controlled? I've been a sahm and even then there has been a hard line between doing household jobs and being a maid to someone. It is about love and respect. What a little prince you have on your hands there! Mummy's little soldier?

Please don’t have a baby with him. This isn’t good father material. Can you imagine him helping with the nighttime changes and feeds? Seeing you need a bath and a cup of tea and your dinner cooked? Folding the baby laundry and putting it away? Some of the little things that my DP did because he had a baby and was parenting. Would your man see these responsibilities? Would he show respect and care for you and help carry you through the early weeks?
He wont even clear his own plate Op. This person is not ready to be a father, and doesn’t deserve to be. Is this the relationship dynamic you’d like your son or daughter to grow up in? The model you’d like them to learn from? Where their mother is treated like someone less deserving of respect and love and care than their father?
Find yourself a man you’d like to be with and who shows you some respect and love. Who will be a good father. You’ve explained how you feel many times, why would it change if you explain it again?
Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who uses you like this, and spend some time thinking about why you haven’t left. your partner isn’t the only one in the house that needs to look after you and show you respect, you have to do it for yourself. Please make a change before children are involved.

How can I get him to want to help me more?

You can't.

Anymore than you can make yourself be happy with the current situation.

Don't have a baby with him. Don't think a baby will change him. It won't.

I have a partner like this. The thing about him not eating if you don't cook made me laugh because it's exactly the same here.

But.....how are you dealing with this? It sounds as if you are still doing everything despite the conversations? Almost to the point of being a martyr. You're carrying on doing all the chores, the cooking, the cleaning and the picking up while grumbling away to yourself and gradually feeling more resentful.

I say this because I do the same. It's not helpful but it's instinctive especially when everything else is fine.

What does your DP say when you talk to him? Does he accept he's at fault? Does he promise to do better - but just doesn't? One thing a close friend of mine suggested was to write my DP a list of things every day that he needs to do. I felt frustrated by this because I'm not his bloody mum and what I actually want is for him to take an equal share in the emotional burden of running a house. But, maybe, that's a first step? If nothing else works and you don't want to leave him, maybe giving him a list every day is the first step in making them participate more fully in the household chores.

It's a difficult one though - if he didn't care for you while you were poorly, that shows that he's not interested in your wellbeing. He isn't showing any concern for whether you're OK, and that's worse than just being messy.

I'm sorry OP, I don't have any magic solutions but the first thing you (and I!) need to do is stop just doing everything. The longer we carry on doing everything, the longer nothing will change. He has to see that this has reached critical level for you.

Oh and as an aside, I had twin babies on my own after I split up with my ex and he disappeared. It's infinitely easier looking after babies when you're not having to deal with a man child too. He's not your only option to have children ❤️

Don’t have a baby with him! Jeez, he can’t look after when you gave Covid... says it all. He’s useless partner and you’d be a single parent.

Easy to be generous with your credit card. Not so easy to get up and help your partner or care for them when they're unwell? OR maybe it is but he doesn't love or respect you?

That sounds brutal OP and I'm sorry but no one should expect their ill partner to cook dinner and not offer food/drink when they're sick if you love or care about them. You just don't. A baby will make this situation 1000 times worse.

A previous OP mentioned him paying for everything that needs doing but he doesn't care for you when you're sick. No amount of £££ changes that.

My mum's friend has this life, but she's in her seventies now. Fifty years of running around after an absolute arse who never took her into consideration one bit. It drives my mother crazy as the friend always leaves things early saying 'I've got to get back, Richard will be expecting his dinner'.

Not only has she had a miserable life, her children have had a miserable life. Do you think he was watching them play football on a Saturday or gasping with excitement when they lost a tooth or learnt to drive? No, he wasn't. He's only interested in things that are about him.

@MiniTheMinx

My husband is like this, if I don't cook we don't eat. Like yours he is generous and thoughtful, and buys gifts and organises lovely days out and evenings etc,...but the other day he had to ask where the clean towels are kept. I answered "same place as always" I found him wandering around dripping water all over the carpets. He was still looking for towels!

The only reason it works is because I have never expressly demanded a more equal share of domestic work. I work part time when I feel like it, he works 12 hr days with a 4 hr commute at the moment. He is exhausted at the moment, and I love him so I just deal with everything at home so he can have some time to relax. In the past he has suggested I work more hours so we can afford foreign holidays, at that point I gave him a complete breakdown of everything I do, and explained he would have to agree to do half of that. No more talk of holidays! The only thing I fear is retirement when I shall be wiping the arse of a big man baby.

I don't feel disrespected. You do, because you are doing everything he does and twice as much of everything else because he does nothing. And when you tell him you want help he ignores you. Unless he earns fuck loads of cash and can afford to keep you at home full time looking after him and his progeny I suggest you make a plan to leave. It won't get better unless you two have a serious conversation and he is prepared to make some effort to support you. I'm not one who thinks domestic work as unpaid work is of no value and those who do it, or most of it, or even all of it are in some way inferior and their contribution lesser. I therefore don't think it matters who does it. But if you combine waged labour and unwaged labour together and have a total, then the only equal thing to do is to ensure that both parties contribute equally in terms of time and equal free time.

If I worked 12 h a day plus 4h commute I would absolutely expect that my partner who works part time whenever he wants to do all the house work. I think that's completely different to OP's situation.