Ever tried to be kind to someone who abused you and felt like a mug?

[stirling]

I'm nearly 50 and reflecting on the amount of abuse I tolerated all my life.
Ex DH has become very unwell since covid and I'm so supportive, kind, offering support and reassurance. We are friends now, but he was such a awful abusive husband...I stumbled across a thread I'd posted on mumsnet about four years ago when I was dangerously ill and he was abusive beyond belief in his desperate bid to divorce me in a rush and move in with his now partner. My children and I were traumatised at the time and the scenes were really horrific, too long to go into now, yet I'm civil, nice and even friendly with him now.

Then there's my sister - and brother. Both watched me being beaten regularly as a child by a very violent mother, yet both felt the right to name call me throughout my life, and though there were intermittently some good times, fun etc I generally felt undermined and ridiculed. Both were extremely intelligent and I wasn't especially academic.
A year ago, my 56 year old sister wrote an email to me 'apologising' for all the abuse she apparently indulged in when I was a baby/toddler. It was shocking to hear about the things she would do which incidently I knew nothing about. What I do recall is her abusive behaviour throughout our teen / adult years. Her slapping me across the face in front of my friends at a party because I was excited about something, constantly putting me down, telling me I was fat, thick, a burden on the family when I went through my first divorce etc. My brother called me names throughout my teen years implying I was a whore. (first boyfriend at 18) I withdrew from him completely.

I've always tried to be kind to my sister thoughand kept a respectful silence when she was being cold or bullying. Last year both siblings were being very cruel to my father who is dying (cancer), tried addressing this with both but my brother became violent with me and my sister (who he's very close to) kept her distance. So I withdrew from the family, hoping to heal myself rather than engage with more abuse.

Then, shockingly, I had a call from my sister in Jan to say her daughter had died. I was horrified and full of love /concern. Instincts kicked in and I hugged, supported and held her up-all of which she gratefully received. It was like seeing a different sister. She was broken and I dismissed the fact that every time I went through hell, she turned her back on me. When I went through my divorce, when my daughter was burned in a horrific accident (she told me to pull my socks up and get over it), when I had a brain haemorrhage etc. She was nowhere.
Yet throughout these months I've been there for her daily. Despite having a chronic health condition that leaves me in pain all the time which I'm barely coping with.

And just like a switch flicking off, a few weeks ago she's back to being cold. No more kisses on the end of her messages. Cold, dismissive tone when I call her. It's playing havoc with my state of mind so once again I choose to step away.

But I can't quite comprehend how or why I could be so kind and supportive towards someone who has been so cruel to me.

What on earth is wrong with me? I'm trying to get trauma therapy but it's so expensive! Nhs have offered cbt for six weeks and that wasn't really helpful....

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you made it to the end.

You are certainly a better person than them.

I think you inadvertently hold a mirror up at them at how loving and kind and compassionate you are and they can't bear it because they know they aren't any of those things!!

Its trauma bonding, and very common in abusive relationships. You are suffering from PTSD because of what you experienced. You are kind because you are struggling to find a safe space and as abuse is your childhood experience it is naturally the space you find safest. Its the belief that if you just love them enough eventually they will love you back.
Its not your fault, when you should have been looked after and loved you were instead abused. That your parents allowed and possibly encouraged your siblings to abuse you too is deeply wrong and harmful to both you and them. Until they undergo their own therapy and heal this they are not safe people for you to be around.
Therapy is what you need. Therapy and the realisation that you are a wonderful person worthy of being decently and throughly loved.

There is nothing wrong with you. You sound like such an amazing empathetic and loving soul. You drew a short straw in your childhood. You were very unlucky. Im sorry you went through this.

Thank you, your messages are so touching - they feel like a much needed hug. Trauma bonding - that's really interesting. Never heard of this before but makes perfect sense.
I'm on a mission to find the right therapist.

Sorry to hear of your current difficulties. There are quite a few ways to respond to trauma, fight, flight, freeze, flop , attach and fawn are the main ones I think. I often found if someone was going through a difficult time and they had always previously abused me i.e I'm the emotional punch bag, I would bend over backwards to prevent that cycle playing out again. A desperation to prevent them from needing to hurt me if that makes sense. It's self preservation but at a very high cost. I avoid all confrontation so walking away was just not an option when it needed to be.

I found my therapist by looking at the BACP website. Unfortunately I found the NHS lacking when looking for the right treatment and waiting lists very long.

I understand I have a similar relationship with family, currently they are all being kind, funny and generous. I don't expect it will last though, I will get discarded, set aside and cast away at some point but then maybe this time it will be different... I will never give up being the best I can be.

I let my sister bully and belittle me for nearly 40 years.

Being NC has done the world of good for my self esteem. I avoid all family situations that mean being in the same room, even though I'm the one missing out. I just don't even want to look at her.

I no longer question why she's like it. I just question why the hell I let it go on for so long.

Self preservation came late in life to me (I'm now 50), but my god I'm enjoying it.

You're a good person. Those people in your life that have hurt you never will be

Thank you again all. Its comforting to hear similar experiences. Colourmeclear what kind of a therapist did you opt for?

Have you heard the saying about throwing pearls before swine @Stirling? That's effectively what you have been doing your whole life because it's a defence mechanism from childhood. Something along the lines of if I am nice to you, you will be kind back only it doesn't work. These monsters will always be monsters because they have been taught that @stirling doesn't matter, isn't important and is a useful resource when needed. You won't be able to change that.

Definitely therapy. You will thrive. I ditched all the toxic people in my life and feel calm and safe. Try humanistic therapy. Takes a while but it's about being validated and listened to almost reparented so that you get put up appropriate boundaries and walk away from this nonsense. There's nothing wrong with you. You were the designated dumping ground for family crap.

Dacquoise your post is so encouraging, thank you. Quote seems apt. I'm about to google humanistic therapists.

I'm actually jotting down some of the good advice in this thread in my diary, to glance at every day and move forward.

Suggest person-centred/integrative therapy (humanistic approach).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog

I'm from a similar background and was also the family scapegoat. I was kind to my ex who cheated on me with prostitutes and gave me a load of STDs. He lost a family member and I was supporting him and being kind to him and his family even though he'd treated me like absolute dog crap for most of our relationship. I did the same with my family who were completely indifferent to me. None of them respected me for it and their behaviour got worse, not better.

I ended up in abusive friendships because I grew increasingly kind and considerate to a line of complete wankers who bad mouthed me and used me for whatever they could get. Adding insult to injury, I was brought up in a religion and would fervently turn the other cheek, thinking I was being a good person when in reality I was abandoning myself. I was bullying myself, neglecting myself, had a harsh inner critical voice and martyred myself, I put everyone else up on a pedestal and prostrated myself trying to get love and kindness in return.

I've recently gone through a really angry phase where I'm remembering things people have said and done to me and I just took it. I never fought back, I never stuck up for myself and I 'rose above it' ie acted like a doormat.

I have c-ptsd and am easily triggered. If there is confrontation I start to shake and adrenalin rushes through me. I freeze or fawn when I'm faced with bad behaviour from others. Because of my abusive background, it's very difficult for me to act in the moment.

I was also constantly trying to get validation from my family who were laughing and sniggering at me. They started to become very hostile when I began to stick up for myself and I'm now estranged from them all. All of them OP. Nothing was going to change and they all hated me, which was a huge shock to the system. There was nothing I could do to change that.

A hug for you lovey, my life started in a similar way to yours. No amount of help offered to me, always helping rest of family. I dont give their nonsense the time of day. I learnt a long time ago how to mother myself. I didn't need anyone to validate me, not even my parents. Long since dead. I don't have to justify myself to anyone least of all, some of my siblings. Be yourself, put boundaries in place. Siblings often dip in and out of our lives when they need something. I personally need nothing from them.Be strong, be happy, be the lovely person you are, and realise no one can take that away from you.

I think the advice to be the parent to yourself that you never had is powerful.

A good parent wouldn't allow you to be treated badly by those around you within and without your family.

Wise words to be a loving parent to yourself.

Good parents teach their children to value themselves and not to allow potential partners treat them unkindly.

A good parent would tell you to stay the hell away from your ex.

You sound like suchna wonderful woman, endlessly kind and loving to everyone but herself.

Stepping away from these people would be the beginning of peace.
I hope you find a good therapist.

Glad to be of help. You have to remember that the people who abuse you are damaged, probably beyond repair, because they don't have the insight or humanity to see what they are doing. It is better for you not to have them in your life at all. Sounds harsh but they are playing out their defense mechanism on you.

I think scapegoats are the lucky ones, we are strong and empathetic and have the ability to properly heal because we have self awareness. You will get there.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have been through so much, and yet look how strong you are. You sound so kind and lovely. No one can take that from you.
I hope you get the counselling you need and I wish you all the best.

There’s nothing wrong with you OP - you sound like a lovely person and we could do with more people like you in this world.

Reading your post highlights that the issue is the behaviour of others. There is nothing wrong with going no contact with these people and removing the toxicity from your life.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. We can’t change the past but we can make decisions about our future and how we will allow ourselves to be treated.

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

^^ that might be useful

Also have a read of the Stately Homes thread on here. You will realise that the scapegoat dynamic is very very common in dysfunctional families and you are not alone.

Oh gosh, thank you everyone for these incredibly supportive replies.
So sad yet somehow comforting to know I'm not mad and that others have experienced the same rubbish.
Good to hear that going NC is the way forward because that's what I was trying to do before the death of my niece, when I was suddenly lured back into full contact - mostly initiated by me, feeling mortified for my sister and completely in a state of goldfish memory lapse re her persona.

greycloudysky your story really resonated with me, I wonder how you are now?

I didn't know the frog/scorpion fable but nodded in complete understanding!

My children are like magical angels and they love me profoundly, as does my partner so I feel very blessed on that front. I just need to address this in therapy and move away.
Times like this, I truly love mumsnet.

Oh so glad to read that you have a wonderful immediate family.

You sound so nice.

Not always, but when I hear people have MH struggles and a truly awful family, I immediately wonder which came first!

Being relentlessly bullied, abused, disrespected from your birth family must be just horrendous.

How anyone would manage to maintain good mental health living with that constantly, I can't imagine.

Wishing you the very best.
Keep posting.

I'm going through a grieving process which involves a lot of anger. I moved away from my family in stages as I became healthier. I was in a fog of abuse for a long time and suffering from cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, my family love me and would do anything for me. On the other, they seem to be working like a team of hyenas to bring me down and destroy me. I carried on trying to get them to love me by putting myself out for them, trying to get validation and approval and it nearly killed me. I had a breakdown.

I began therapy and through therapy, began to see the reality of the situation rather than what was going on in my head. It's very, very hard to come to the realisation that your own family, your own mother, does not have your best interests at heart and is actively working against you.

I went through a long process of ten years where I went lower and lower contact and their behaviour became more and more hostile and abusive. The deal was, I act the scapegoat, put up with humiliation and abuse and the pay off is, I remain part of the family. The respect and love I was looking for, was never going to happen as the roles were too entrenched. I stopped abandoning myself, I stop dissociating from reality and wrenched myself out of denial. I started to put my foot down and their behaviour escalated.

A lot of what kept me in the family was compassion for what we'd all gone through but I realised that no one was showing me the same compassion. I was martyring myself. I stopped and had to go through a lot of guilt. It was very difficult to not rush back and support and help everyone but I never got any of that in return. You wouldn't believe the support I have given my family in the past, it's too embarrassing. In return, I was humiliated and abused.

I then went through an anger stage where I felt like ripping them apart with my bare hands. I was raging at what I had put up with and how I had been treated. I still feel a lot of anger and it would be impossible now for me to have a relationship with them, as there's no going back. So I'm having to deal with having no family and all that entails and it's hard.

I'm alone OP. I can't have relationships as I keep getting abused, so I stay single and alone. I'm glad you have your children and a supportive partner. It's wonderful to be loved.

@greycloudysky

How hard and exhausting this must have been for you, but the alternative sounds so much worse.

I think there are so many people living stressful lives because they tolerate so much. I certainly have met a few over the years.

Exhausting.

You sound that you have found peace.
Peace is priceless.

I think having a peaceful mind is such a wonderful thing.
To not be caught up in worry, stress and sadness.

Hi I'm sitting here thinking exactly the same thing and I feel whenever I feel low or need someone then I become invisible and there usually busy or helping someone else who is a higher priority than me. I feel I'm only wanted for my kindness but its hardly ever given back to me. I feel like a doormat and then the cycle starts again I'm too keen to please others but never seem to break the cycle. I seem to take on more then get annoyed at myself for being such a mug I hope you get the help you need my therapist says it start with me changing my ways but I never do and it hurts to think no-one is interested in helping me I just want to walk away from everything but can't do this. So I just beat myself up emotionally instead until the next time someone else needs me. Then I'm there doing everything I can to help them.