I'm nearly 50 and reflecting on the amount of abuse I tolerated all my life.
Ex DH has become very unwell since covid and I'm so supportive, kind, offering support and reassurance. We are friends now, but he was such a awful abusive husband...I stumbled across a thread I'd posted on mumsnet about four years ago when I was dangerously ill and he was abusive beyond belief in his desperate bid to divorce me in a rush and move in with his now partner. My children and I were traumatised at the time and the scenes were really horrific, too long to go into now, yet I'm civil, nice and even friendly with him now.
Then there's my sister - and brother. Both watched me being beaten regularly as a child by a very violent mother, yet both felt the right to name call me throughout my life, and though there were intermittently some good times, fun etc I generally felt undermined and ridiculed. Both were extremely intelligent and I wasn't especially academic.
A year ago, my 56 year old sister wrote an email to me 'apologising' for all the abuse she apparently indulged in when I was a baby/toddler. It was shocking to hear about the things she would do which incidently I knew nothing about. What I do recall is her abusive behaviour throughout our teen / adult years. Her slapping me across the face in front of my friends at a party because I was excited about something, constantly putting me down, telling me I was fat, thick, a burden on the family when I went through my first divorce etc. My brother called me names throughout my teen years implying I was a whore. (first boyfriend at 18) I withdrew from him completely.
I've always tried to be kind to my sister thoughand kept a respectful silence when she was being cold or bullying. Last year both siblings were being very cruel to my father who is dying (cancer), tried addressing this with both but my brother became violent with me and my sister (who he's very close to) kept her distance. So I withdrew from the family, hoping to heal myself rather than engage with more abuse.
Then, shockingly, I had a call from my sister in Jan to say her daughter had died. I was horrified and full of love /concern. Instincts kicked in and I hugged, supported and held her up-all of which she gratefully received. It was like seeing a different sister. She was broken and I dismissed the fact that every time I went through hell, she turned her back on me. When I went through my divorce, when my daughter was burned in a horrific accident (she told me to pull my socks up and get over it), when I had a brain haemorrhage etc. She was nowhere.
Yet throughout these months I've been there for her daily. Despite having a chronic health condition that leaves me in pain all the time which I'm barely coping with.
And just like a switch flicking off, a few weeks ago she's back to being cold. No more kisses on the end of her messages. Cold, dismissive tone when I call her. It's playing havoc with my state of mind so once again I choose to step away.
But I can't quite comprehend how or why I could be so kind and supportive towards someone who has been so cruel to me.
What on earth is wrong with me? I'm trying to get trauma therapy but it's so expensive! Nhs have offered cbt for six weeks and that wasn't really helpful....
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you made it to the end.