My ex is acting different/weird

[Leanne1191]

Hi everyone,

Just need some advice, so a lot of you know my story from last year, my ex cheating on me 6 months after our marriage and then being with her and him being a typical liar and a narcissist.

Well lately he's been acting different, 6 weeks ago I did the no contact rule, I changed my number, and I asked him not to come to my house and have also got my mum as the middle person for the kids, so he drops them and picks them up from my mums so I have no contact with him and so he doesn't need to speak to me or see me it's just better for me at the moment and it's helping with me moving forward and getting on with my life.

However he don't like this, he has been acting weird......

6 weeks ago was the last time I saw and spoke to him, I made sure I was dressed up and looked nice because i thought you ain’t seeing me looking like shit anymore. The Friday he took them he made some excuses to message me and asked for my email address, I ignored him, I was then advised to change my number, tell him not to come to the house anymore and too use someone as a third party with regards to the children so that’s what I did after telling him to go through my mum and he’s not to come to the house anymore and is to pick them up and drop them off to my mums, two weeks ago he kicked off as it was our first child’s birthday and he moaned about seeing him and blah blah blah so I said don’t worry I’ll do his birthday the Monday instead, he asked my mum twice to get me to ring him but she said no Alex that’s why I’m here she won’t be ringing you, he then decides to drop them home 2 hours early too the Sunday and our child said to me that he had gone to my house and went looking for my car and he said he had said to his dad mums in Southend this weekend and his dad apparently said to him no she’s not she’s either at home or at her friends do you know where her friend lives luckily for me he didn’t know the directions, he then dropped them round to my mum and come back to my house the second time posted a note and money through the door as he hadn’t fed them, then during the week he tried to get me to ring him again but my mum just ignored him this time, now this weekend gone he’s done it again he’s come to my house again when he knows not to and has looked for my car and has also brought the kids a phone so he can call them every Wednesday (he hasn’t bothered since we split) his behaviour is odd he told me months ago to just leave him alone and threatened harassment on me so I’ve backed off and he’s now acting like this, my friend thinks maybe he’s realised the grass isn’t greener and has realised what his lost... what do you think? I’ve got court in June too which he has summoned me too so I don’t get why he needs to speak to me and see me because that’s clearly getting to him now.

I just want him to leave me alone, he's meant to be happy with the woman he cheated on me with and shouldn't care about what I'm doing or where I am.

What should I do????

If you want a narcissist to leave you alone

It's best to act dull & boring

Sure dressing up to look your best makes you feel good in the moment

But it may not be conducive to getting what you want I.e: Him to leave you alone

Even if he has others on the go, he will be wanting to keep things warm with you & know he has you as an option to fall back on.

Look up grey rock technique & keep ignoring him.

Chances are likely that a relationship which started as an affair won't have a long shelf life, so don't count on him being happy with his affair partner to keep him from bothering you.

Just carry on as you have been, you seem to have it covered. I think he realises he's lost control over you and doesn't like it. I don't think what he's done so far is harassment but make notes of everything so you have a pattern noted for the future.
What's the court for? Can't see what you would be summoned for? Is it make an order for the contact with kids?

It’s because he’s not able to control you anymore. And you don’t need him, don’t stay in touch and fuel his ego now.

I’d be wary of the phone he bought the kids. It might have location tracking on it, just a way him knowing where the kids are and by extension where you are.

He probably thinks you have met someone else and is desperate to find out. Classic narc behaviour, doesn’t want you but wants you to still want him.

Carry on doing everything you’re doing and don’t give in to him.

@gutful

If you want a narcissist to leave you alone

It's best to act dull & boring

Sure dressing up to look your best makes you feel good in the moment

But it may not be conducive to getting what you want I.e: Him to leave you alone

Even if he has others on the go, he will be wanting to keep things warm with you & know he has you as an option to fall back on.

Look up grey rock technique & keep ignoring him.

Chances are likely that a relationship which started as an affair won't have a long shelf life, so don't count on him being happy with his affair partner to keep him from bothering you.

I dress up just for me though, make myself feel better hun, I didn't want him seeing me looking like crap as he always did. For me it's a feel good because I had lost my ways last 7 months and now I'm learning to love myself.

@pog100

Just carry on as you have been, you seem to have it covered. I think he realises he's lost control over you and doesn't like it. I don't think what he's done so far is harassment but make notes of everything so you have a pattern noted for the future. What's the court for? Can't see what you would be summoned for? Is it make an order for the contact with kids?

Yes my friend said this to me. It's because I'm moving on and don't need him and he don't like it. He's taking me to court as he wants it set in stone that he has the kids every other weekend. 🙄 more control.

@WilsonMilson

It’s because he’s not able to control you anymore. And you don’t need him, don’t stay in touch and fuel his ego now.

I’d be wary of the phone he bought the kids. It might have location tracking on it, just a way him knowing where the kids are and by extension where you are.

He probably thinks you have met someone else and is desperate to find out. Classic narc behaviour, doesn’t want you but wants you to still want him.

Carry on doing everything you’re doing and don’t give in to him.

Yea the phone has been turned off and it hasn't been switched on since he gave it to them Sunday. I will continue to do what I do and I won't be contacting him I don't want to speak to him or see him.

I dress up just for me though, make myself feel better
versus I didn't want him seeing me looking like crap as he always did. Can you not see the contradiction here? Part of it is proving something to him. But I'm not recommending you don't dress to please yourself, just remember he will take it as being about him. Cos everything is about him, in his head.

Anyways, what it boils down to, is - he may not want you, but he does want to still have control. He doesn't want you to move on, he wants the drama and to feel like you'd take him back at the drop of a hat, and that you can't cope, and are miserable and worthless without him. It doesn't suit his ego that you can do just fine without him and will probably find someone else. He also wants any ammunition he can find to use against you, so if he thinks you're dating or moving on, he's wanting to kick off about it and try to use it against you.

Just don't engage.

Tell your mum and anyone else who is relaying his behaviour to you, that you don't want to know, (unless he's making threats of violence which need taking to the police) and that they should not tell him anything about you and to cut contact. If you can't trust them to have your back, limit what you tell them.

All to be expected when you take back control. Be aware that they can pretend nice or turn nasty at the drop of a hat when they think you are 'winning'. You're doing great though, carry on as you are.

It's not about realising the grass is greener. It's more like a toddler playing with a toy: just because they put the toy (you) down, doesn't mean they don't own it anymore. That toy isn't allowed to just wander off. Or be free to be picked up by someone else. 'It's mine!'.

In his eyes, you're his to play with, hurt or discard whenever he feels like it, so how dare you try to stop him! He is perturbed, confused and angry that he is being told no, by a lowly inanimate object that shouldn't have a voice.

Fuck him!

@category12

I dress up just for me though, make myself feel better versus I didn't want him seeing me looking like crap as he always did. Can you not see the contradiction here? Part of it is proving something to him. But I'm not recommending you don't dress to please yourself, just remember he will take it as being about him. Cos everything is about him, in his head.

Anyways, what it boils down to, is - he may not want you, but he does want to still have control. He doesn't want you to move on, he wants the drama and to feel like you'd take him back at the drop of a hat, and that you can't cope, and are miserable and worthless without him. It doesn't suit his ego that you can do just fine without him and will probably find someone else. He also wants any ammunition he can find to use against you, so if he thinks you're dating or moving on, he's wanting to kick off about it and try to use it against you.

Just don't engage.

Tell your mum and anyone else who is relaying his behaviour to you, that you don't want to know, (unless he's making threats of violence which need taking to the police) and that they should not tell him anything about you and to cut contact. If you can't trust them to have your back, limit what you tell them.

No one has been telling him stuff, and no one has been telling me stuff, it's my 8 year old who has said they have come to the house the last few times and what his dad has been saying.

I just want him to leave me alone now, he's done enough to me and now wants to start playing these weird games...

@Wanderlusto

All to be expected when you take back control. Be aware that they can pretend nice or turn nasty at the drop of a hat when they think you are 'winning'. You're doing great though, carry on as you are.

It's not about realising the grass is greener. It's more like a toddler playing with a toy: just because they put the toy (you) down, doesn't mean they don't own it anymore. That toy isn't allowed to just wander off. Or be free to be picked up by someone else. 'It's mine!'.

In his eyes, you're his to play with, hurt or discard whenever he feels like it, so how dare you try to stop him! He is perturbed, confused and angry that he is being told no, by a lowly inanimate object that shouldn't have a voice.

Fuck him!

Yes I think he will turn nasty but then he don't have a reason too as I've not done anything and I don't see or speak to him anymore. That's the thing with narcissists they think they can keep controlling and manipulating you but I'm not having it. If he carries on I will have to call the police as it's harassment.

You're moving on and he doesn't like it - simple as.

You're supposed to be feeding his ego just like his poor OW.

One of them jumping to attention for him in bed, the other one pining for him and being sad and alone!

But you're clearly not doing that. Oh no. That's not supposed to happen. She's still MY property in my twisted fucking twat's head. Where is she? Who's she with? Why isn't the focus on ME ME ME ??

Ignore. Next time there's an overstep, tell him plainly. You got what you wanted. I'm nothing to do with you any more and if you step over my boundaries and try and nosey around in my life I'll report you for harassment.

And yes - 'Oh, is the grass not greener any more? Stop acting the twat, you look utterly insecure.'

@YoniAndGuy

You're moving on and he doesn't like it - simple as.

You're supposed to be feeding his ego just like his poor OW.

One of them jumping to attention for him in bed, the other one pining for him and being sad and alone!

But you're clearly not doing that. Oh no. That's not supposed to happen. She's still MY property in my twisted fucking twat's head. Where is she? Who's she with? Why isn't the focus on ME ME ME ??

Ignore. Next time there's an overstep, tell him plainly. You got what you wanted. I'm nothing to do with you any more and if you step over my boundaries and try and nosey around in my life I'll report you for harassment.

Yeah well he's lost that with me, I'm not playing his stupid games anymore and I'm not being that weak woman he expects me to be, I was down, sad and upset for 7 months and I'm not doing anymore, that's why I took back control and changed my number and sorted out a middle person because I don't want anything to do with him and don't need to see or speak to him anymore, he has the kids on certain days and times and that's that. He just needs to leave me be now and crack on with this woman he ruined everything for, he made his bed he can lay in it. Next thing is he will receive a letter to say I've filed for divorce because that's how much I am done with this man now. Tough shit of the grass isn't greener too hopefully it's not because that is karma

He's not happy you're moving on and you don't need him. He has no way to directly speak to you and he doesn't like the loss of control.

Don't inadvertently let your DC know anything that could be passed on to your STBXH.

Was he ever physically or verbally abusive? His behaviour is verging on stalkerish.

@SandyY2K

He's not happy you're moving on and you don't need him. He has no way to directly speak to you and he doesn't like the loss of control.

Don't inadvertently let your DC know anything that could be passed on to your STBXH.

Was he ever physically or verbally abusive? His behaviour is verging on stalkerish.

No no one has said anything to him about what I'm doing, and no he's never been physically abusive, just sometime verbally but more nasty things about how she was worth it and he fell for her and all this crap. He is getting stalkerish and it's creeping me out.

He chose to cheat and leave me and the kids for her now he needs to just leave me alone.

Well seeing as you've got kids together, so you need to work out a way to communicate constructively, else their lives will become hell and they'll end up emotionally scarred by it. At the very least, you need to be able to get hold of each other in an emergency. Even if it's just a secondary PAYG phone that you give him the number to.

It's not unreasonable for the kids to want to If you don't want the kids

One other thing. If the dc's payg is in his name, he can track where it is. Be mindful!

It sounds to me that he's building up a case of your unreasonable conduct and from how you've presented it here it wouldn't be hugely difficult to spin that.

What you perceive as control is a parent wanting it in stone so you cannot manipulate his contact.

Likewise him wishing to have midweek contact with his children is far from unreasonable and given he's provided the means because you've stopped all interim routes for such contact, with no real grounds beyond you're wanting to be controlling, could well be perceived as you being controlling and parental alienation.

I'd think that it would reflect better on you to have the midweek contact. The novelty may well burn out by June.

The no contsct but via your mum seems incredibly heavy handed and I'd foresee a court saying that you need to coparent more effectively.

@altmember

Well seeing as you've got kids together, so you need to work out a way to communicate constructively, else their lives will become hell and they'll end up emotionally scarred by it. At the very least, you need to be able to get hold of each other in an emergency. Even if it's just a secondary PAYG phone that you give him the number to.

It's not unreasonable for the kids to want to If you don't want the kids

That won't be happening, the kids are fine and they're not going to be scarred because I won't communicate with their dads, if there's an emergency I will be told by my mum and their dad is old enough to be able to deal with it.

I can't have communication with him at the moment because of how he is and has to make shitty comments about my eldest son who he abandoned when he was in his life for over 8 years.

@Mintjulia

One other thing. If the dc's payg is in his name, he can track where it is. Be mindful!

Yeah it is in his name! Well I've kept it off since he gave it to them Sunday because an 8 and 5 year olds with a phone is just ridiculous!

@BusyLizzie61

It sounds to me that he's building up a case of your unreasonable conduct and from how you've presented it here it wouldn't be hugely difficult to spin that.

What you perceive as control is a parent wanting it in stone so you cannot manipulate his contact.

Likewise him wishing to have midweek contact with his children is far from unreasonable and given he's provided the means because you've stopped all interim routes for such contact, with no real grounds beyond you're wanting to be controlling, could well be perceived as you being controlling and parental alienation.

I'd think that it would reflect better on you to have the midweek contact. The novelty may well burn out by June.

The no contsct but via your mum seems incredibly heavy handed and I'd foresee a court saying that you need to coparent more effectively.

I have been advised by the police to change my number, tell him not to come to the house and to have a middle person. The police advised me off this, he's a control freak and manipulator. He wants to just keep trying to have that control he don't give a shit about the kids, no money is being paid and hasn't been for months! Although he went to the Caribbean for new year with his new bird, the court can see what they want I have lots of evidence that backs up my claim for mental and emotional abuse, I have texts messages, counsellor letters, medications changes noted, I've also got incident numbers from the police where he tried to get me done for hitting him when he's the one who come round and started and I have witnesses, I have texts where he states he will not bring the children home unless I talk to him face to face yet tried to get an harassment order on me? He used to hack my Facebook, my messenger and he also used to snoop through my phone and delete messages from family members, I have proof of me having to change the locks on my house as he threatened to ran sack it. I'm not being controlling he's still seeing his kids when HE wants just has to go through my mum which I don't think is unreasonable considering the shit the bloke has put me through and continues to do?

@BusyLizzie61

It sounds to me that he's building up a case of your unreasonable conduct and from how you've presented it here it wouldn't be hugely difficult to spin that.

What you perceive as control is a parent wanting it in stone so you cannot manipulate his contact.

Likewise him wishing to have midweek contact with his children is far from unreasonable and given he's provided the means because you've stopped all interim routes for such contact, with no real grounds beyond you're wanting to be controlling, could well be perceived as you being controlling and parental alienation.

I'd think that it would reflect better on you to have the midweek contact. The novelty may well burn out by June.

The no contsct but via your mum seems incredibly heavy handed and I'd foresee a court saying that you need to coparent more effectively.

He's had 8 months to give me a phone for the kids, he used to have my number and not once did he ask how they are or to speak to them once a week, this is about control hun. It's a coincidence he's decided to do this when I decide I do not need contact with him don't you think?

My advice is to keep a diary of every interaction with him. Date time and sign your recordings. Make it a factual account and not an emotional journal.
If there is anything to thus court case in June you will have an accurate running log of events so he can't trip you up with dates and who said what, when.

@notacooldad

My advice is to keep a diary of every interaction with him. Date time and sign your recordings. Make it a factual account and not an emotional journal. If there is anything to thus court case in June you will have an accurate running log of events so he can't trip you up with dates and who said what, when.

That's what I've been doing 😊

That's what I've been doing
Excellent!
I have given this advice to some of the young women I work with in abusive relationships. ( in a completely different context to yours and for different reasons.
Some have. When they have listened to his smooth talk and thought their boyfriend 'wasn't that bad ' have been horrified at their thoughts and feelings and being reminded of the shiity things the ex has done.
Those that haven't made a journal seem to have memory fade and have gone back more than once! 😥

I hope you are OK and stay strong.