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Original poster

How do we split if partner won’t move out

32 replies

Morph2lcfc · 16/03/2021 07:20

I’ve been with my parter about 27 years and it’s been going down hill last 5 or so years. We have a 10 year old with sen. I want to split, dp doesn’t so he won’t move out. We only have a 4 years left on current mortgage. I’m the higher earner, I could afford the house and bills on my own but dp could not. It’s a very cheap mortgage so much cheaper than rent would be so he can’t afford to go anywhere else. I’ve been looking at rents and I could afford to rent somewhere else but I wouldn’t also be able to subsidise dp still living in our house by paying the bills so me moving out then means dp would no longer be able to live in our current house either. Both his parents are dead he doesn’t really have another option of where to live, what do people do in these circumstances? I suppose he could go and rent a room somewhere but he won’t move out but the practicality is he can’t afford to take on his he house on his own- this is mortgage/bills only without even considering me taking out equity or him paying any child support

OP posts:

bumpdownthestairs · 16/03/2021 07:23

Sorry you're in this situation, I can't imagine having to live with someone I was split from. All I can think is you're going to have to buy him out of his share of the house or sell up?

harknesswitch · 16/03/2021 07:25

In the first instance I'd go and see a solicitor and see what your options are and if you're able to force a sale

Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/03/2021 07:25

Are you married and is his name on the mortgage? . You could buy him out at 50% or whatever equity and then he can afford to move and rent somewhere as that would be a reasonable sum. The cost of his current living arrangement doesn't matter both of your bills will go up if you split as you will be paying more mortgage once you've bought him out.
Does he not work or is he a sahd for your sen child? Lots of people can only juyst afford their home but manage on one salery.
If he is primary carer or 50:50 for the sen child he may be entitled to social housing but you would need to look into this.

Original poster

Morph2lcfc · 16/03/2021 07:26

Bumpdownthestairs- we aren’t split up as such I just want to and have spoken about it but he doesn’t want to. I could buy him out or sell up but he is refusing to do either, maybe a solicitor could force this. Also although things aren’t good between us I don’t want to see him out on the streets
But he’s refusing to do anything other than stay put

OP posts:

ivfbeenbusy · 16/03/2021 07:28

Based on the info you have given the expectation would be that the family home is sold - since it's nearly mortgage free you should have a decent amount of equity that would be split 50/50 unless you have anything legally
In place which would change that split. He'd have to use the equity to buy a cheap home himself or use it to find just rent

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/03/2021 07:29

You need to start divorce proceedings, at some point he will be forced to address the issue. At least this way even if he refuses everything you can be divorced in 5 years without his consent.
I'm afraid you will have to be the proactive one here and go and see a solicitor.

Original poster

Morph2lcfc · 16/03/2021 07:31

Pleaseaddcaffine- no we are not married but bought the house between us years ago do both on the mortgage. He is in a min wage job but does work very hard but it’s still only min wage. I’m in a professional job and work 4 days but earn twice his full time salary. I’m primary carer to sen child with help from my l, he does very little with child which is big part of problem

OP posts:

Iseeyoulookingatme · 16/03/2021 07:31

Speak to a solicitor and see what your options are. He can't just ignore your requests and expect you to be happy and just carry on.

Throwntothewolves · 16/03/2021 07:33

The only way you can do this is legally. Who's name is the house in? If both then you either have to see a solicitor to force a sale or buy him out if you can afford to.
If it's in your name alone hes on far more shaky ground as you could force him to leave using legal means.
If he's the carer of your child it becomes more complicated as the child's housing needs have to be met.

Get legal advice. It's clear nothing will happen if you don't.

YesILikeItToo · 16/03/2021 07:37

Law will be different depending which part of UK you live in - speak to a lawyer.

Original poster

Morph2lcfc · 16/03/2021 07:38

As people have said I think I will need to see a solicitor. Dp makes noises about going for custody of ds if we split etc but the reality is he wouldn’t be able to cope with him, he can’t cope with him on his own now in a two person house so there’s no way he’d be able to be a single parent. I’m not expecting him to pay child support or anything as I know I earn a lot more I just want to be able to live seperately

OP posts:

MazekeenSmith · 16/03/2021 07:39

Can you get a mortgage to buy him out?

Original poster

Morph2lcfc · 16/03/2021 07:42

The only other thing I was thinking was I move out and get a rental property for say 6 months before getting a solicitor to force sale. Dp would have to take on the bills during that time as I couldn’t afford to pay what I am currently paying plus rent and bills for another house, maybe this might be realisation for him

OP posts:

Original poster

Morph2lcfc · 16/03/2021 07:43

For info I could get a mortgage to buy him out but he just won’t let me do that.

OP posts:

category12 · 16/03/2021 07:43

Yeah, you're going to have to do this through a solicitor. From his point of view, splitting is not in his interests financially or practically. You'll have to buy him out or sell up.

Kelly345 · 16/03/2021 07:44

Definitely a solicitor. You're going to have to force this & he's going to have to stop burying his head in the sand.

Doidontimmm · 16/03/2021 07:45

I’d tell him you are going to a solicitor to start house sale proceedings but it would be cheaper if he would just agree and see if that pushes him along?

Soontobe60 · 16/03/2021 07:47

OP, custody doesn’t really exist like it used to. Courts would generally start at giving parents 50/50 shared care. If this were the case, as the higher earner you may well have to pay some child support to him. Courts will expect you both to be able to live in suitable accommodation for the child to also be accommodated. Currently, he has as much right to stay in the house as you do, you cant force each other out.
Would you consider him having a greater split of the equity if the house is sold in order for him to be able to buy somewhere else? He clearly wont be able to get as high a mortgage that you from what you say. I think if you sat down and drew up a financial plan showing different scenarios he may be better able to see that he will not be homeless!

MazekeenSmith · 16/03/2021 07:48

You need to get a solicitor then

Original poster

Morph2lcfc · 16/03/2021 07:59

Soontobe60- I don’t mind him staying in the house, I don’t even necessarily want to force my equity out of it but I just can’t afford to get my own place and continue to pay bills for the existing house. I would be happy to pay him child support if we had joint custody as it would give me a break but the reality is he can’t cope with ds as it is in a two person house (ds is not a typical child and is very hard work) so I don’t think he’s being realistic saying he wants custody or even joint custody

OP posts:

gutful · 16/03/2021 08:11

Let him sound off about getting custody if it makes him feel better

Just ignore or make non-committal sounds in reply

In reality if he was not the primary carer before, he won't get primary residence now.

He is using custody argument to try & coerce you to stay - in reality even if he did have 50/50 visitation it sounds like he doesn't actually want that. He is just using the threat of it to control you.

You could also play reverse psychology & say 50/50 sounds great to you! Then both of you will have your kid-free weekend. Watch how quickly he stops bleating on about visitation once he realises free weekends for you means you having a life / time to date, etc.

He will likely fall short of the visitation & be a Disney dad who takes his kid to maccas once a week

My ex had a son with profound Autism & bleated on about wanting access to his kids - in reality he was happy with a trip to Maccas & the shopping centre for an afternoon once a week. He couldn't cope with him.

As others have said, you need to resolve this legally - it's the only way forward. Eventually he will have to face reality & the house sale.

I would avoid discussing this further with him & serve the neccessary legal papers.

Sohum · 16/03/2021 10:10

Don’t move out until you’ve seen a solicitor. Get recommendations. Go see a few. It’s like interviewing for a job. You need one who understands about SEN children and what that involves. You should be able to get half hours free advice. I’d start with a couple of the top recommended ones in your area. The most sensible thing is for you to buy him out. Go see the solicitor and see if they can then send him a letter. On minimum wage job he won’t be able to take full custody will he. What happens when he’s at work? He’s just sounding off. What happens if you sell the house? Is there enough equity for you to both downsize into smaller separate properties?

Sohum · 16/03/2021 10:11

If you had joint custody you wouldn’t have to pay any maintenance.

Wanderlusto · 16/03/2021 10:30

What do you mean you arent split up 'because he doesn't want to' ? Lol wtf xD Splitting up doesn't have to be a mutual decision.

You tell him it's over and he has to move out!

Whether he moves out or not, you start sleeping separately, stop doing any cooking or housework for him and make it clear the relationship is over.

MessAllOver · 16/03/2021 10:47

Joint assets (money in joint accounts, house) will probably have to be split 50/50.

You're not married so you have zero other financial responsibility to him. Put bluntly, it's not your problem if he can't afford suitable alternative accommodation and he has no claim on any other assets you may have in your name.

You won't have to pay maintenance if you have 50/50 shared care. He will have to pay you if you have your DC more.

But definitely see a solicitor. If he won't budge, you may need a court order to force a sale of the house.

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