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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex refuses to communicate in person

42 replies

MonkeyBread · 16/03/2021 06:42

Hi, I am a bit at a loss as to how to deal with this situation and mainly just need to rant too.

I'll set the scene. About 1 year ago we both decided to separate. I initiated the conversation as I was deeply unhappy and going to therapy I realised I needed to end things. He came up with all sorts of reasons he was unhappy too so we decided it was best for both. We have 2 kids, 7 and 11 years old. It was tricky to get to an agreement but we eventually got there. Now 1 year on we split the time evenly between the 2 houses. We weren't married so no nasty divorce there. But he suffers from depression and always has had a lot of anger in him so it has been a long journey to get to this point. I have been super patient respecting his need for space and have agreed to his communication pattern.

So to the problem. Now it's been a year since we split up and I am only able to communicate with him over text or email. This makes it 1-really hard to talk about logistics with the kids and 2-affecting the kids that we are unable to talk like adults.
Now I don't expect us to be at a point in which we can sit at each others hours and have a meal together, all I ask for is to be able to have a face to face conversation where we discuss things like parents evening or decisions regarding our kids, that's all.
So I texted him.asking to talk as our son was having a bad cough and medication etc. He refused and gave me a huge angry wall of text claiming I'm an emotional bully and how do I dare ask him to talk to him.
I get that I did do mistakes but I am so shocked about the level of anger in him towards me, I didn't even cheat on him or anything like thst. After 14 years of a mostly happy relationship this is what it comes down to?! It just hurts me and will affect the kids.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 16/03/2021 06:50

Unless its an emergency you dont need to talk face to face download the app talking parents because he sounds like he could get abusive and on that app you cannot delete or edit once it's out there it's out there

Soontobe60 · 16/03/2021 07:02

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you need to see that you have hurt him immensely and he cannot get past this. he really doesn’t need to sit down and have face to face conversations with you in order for matters about the children to be sorted out.
By constantly pushing for face to face meetings, you're just rubbing salt into the wound for him. It is a form of emotional torture for him.
You need to leave him be. You say that its affecting the children as you cant talk ‘like adults’. However your constant pushing for him to talk to you could be impacting on his mental health, which in turn will impact on the children. He needs to heal. It took me years to be able to have an actual conversation with my ex without me getting into a real state about it. he too didn’t get why I found it incredibly difficult to even be in his presence. Maybe your ex feels the same. Just because you’ve moved on it doesn’t mean he has.
Texting is fine, if its to do with the children. Anything else is clearly off limits now.

SuperSange · 16/03/2021 07:15

I've read lots of threads like this with the sexes reversed; the partner pushing is usually called abusive and a bully if they're a man. He's told you he doesn't want it; why can't you listen to him?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/03/2021 07:26

The talking parents app sounds great, I didn't know it existed.

Kelly345 · 16/03/2021 07:34

I'd also say you don't need to speek to him face to face & should avoid pushing this with someone so volatile before you cause other issues. Many separated parents would love to be in your position. Ok it gets on your nerves being the one making all the contact but do you honestly need a face to face conversation with your ex because your son has a cough? That comes over more like an excuse of just wanting to see the ex for any trivial reason. Don't poke a stick in this hornets nest. You know he has anger issues so why wind him up when you already have a peaceful and amicable arrangement most warring parents would give anything for? Clearly texting is the better option here.

Kelly345 · 16/03/2021 07:36

@SuperSange

I've read lots of threads like this with the sexes reversed; the partner pushing is usually called abusive and a bully if they're a man. He's told you he doesn't want it; why can't you listen to him?
Precisely this.
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/03/2021 07:42

To me it sounds like he is clearly not in the same space as you and is still working through his feelings over the split. Leave the man be, just text, he can’t be any clearer about his feelings on this-stop trying to force him to do something he’s not ready for

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 16/03/2021 07:47

I am like this with my ex, he did leave after an affair and I always felt like he tried to control me financially after we split. I felt bullied by him so for my own emotional wellbeing insisted on communication by texts/email.
He didn't like it but had to accept it, we do have the odd phone conversation now and then but my youngest is off to Uni next year so our need to discuss issues has reduced hugely.
If your ex doesn't want to chat you can't force him to, hopefully over time things improve, its still quite recent from my perspective a year isn't that long.

category12 · 16/03/2021 07:50

Stop pushing. Text and email is ample, you've no right to insist on other forms of contact if he doesn't want to.

Also if he's really angry with you, it's better everything is written down.

Original poster
MonkeyBread · 16/03/2021 07:50

Thank you so much for all your honest answers. It totally makes sense and your responses are helping me see the other side of the coin. I will no longer push the topic with him and wait until he is ready however long that may take. Truly thank you

OP posts:
tropicalwaterdiver · 16/03/2021 07:56

Why do you want talk face to face with depressed and angry ex? In your shoes I would stick to texting only about essentials and would be glad I don't have to face him.

SD1978 · 16/03/2021 07:57

Texts are clear, unemotional and to the point. X child has a cough. Will need medication at X time. If the days don't change, there is nothing to discuss regarding days with the kids. Parents evening- you're obviously not going to go together- so tell him why night it is- or really he should be setting up an email account with the school to have dates forwarded to him. He doesn't have to verbally communicate with you, and clearly at this point doesn't want to.

Flittingaboutagain · 16/03/2021 08:10

My partner has never spoken to his ex face to face and they split 10 years ago. There really is no need and he doesn't want to. Texts do work fine it just takes getting used to.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 16/03/2021 08:11

Sorry but I am confused by your last post...you say your not going to push it but wait until he is ready. Ready for what? You are separated, you have an arrangement in place for him to see the DC. I think you have misunderstood what separating means- it doesnt mean you spend long hours talking about your DC, or calling him up asking him to speak to his DS as he is has a cough. I dont even understand that.....

category12 · 16/03/2021 08:17

I think it's understandable that op wants to be able to bounce ideas and concerns about dc with the other parent. Of course it is, because they're the person you're used to sharing that stuff with, and who has an equal interest in the dc. Particularly if op is on her own.

But it's part of moving on, that you don't have that in the same way. You need to speak with friends or family instead.

Amicable co-parenting is the ideal, but you're more likely to get to that by stepping back and taking off any pressure than chasing him.

NailsNeedDoing · 16/03/2021 08:22

It would be nice if you could communicate with actual talking, but it sounds like he genuinely can’t cope with that. If talking to you is going to have a negative impact on his mental health, then he’s doing the right things and you should respect that.

Givemeabreak88 · 16/03/2021 08:26

I think you are in the wrong. I posted recently because my ex will only see our children in my house (he won’t take them) it’s really affecting my mental health and I’ve had to stop it because it’s not good for me I don’t want to be around my ex or spend time with him. He is entitled to not what to sit with you I don’t know why you need to speak face to face? Plenty of parents only communicate through text/ email. If you were a man people would say it was manipulative and controlling. Leave him be.

Original poster
MonkeyBread · 16/03/2021 08:30

@mybonnieliesovertheocean2
So from my perspective I don't want to have a long winded conversation with him. I do actually keep things short and strictly about the kids and that's all I ask for. It's just harder to talk about things that need a bit more communication. Our son for example has Cognitive Behavioural problems so I am looking to get him therapy. I'd like to be able to discuss what the best options would be that work for both of us and are the best help for our son.
But I understand he is clearly not ready and I am stepping on his need for space and distance at the moment. I will respect that and not push the matter with him any longer. Thank you for letting me see this.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 16/03/2021 08:33

I had this with my ex. In the beginning I couldn't wrap my head around it, and felt that he was the one completely cold, removed, uninvolved and unsupportive. He seemed to be the one to be able to totally walk away and disengage. But he was hurt, I was long over it. I had to wait a long time before we could have a normal conversation where his bitterness didn't seep in. I just had to respect his need for space and to heal. Its taken 5 years, but recently we've been talking and not just about the children because something horrendous happened to him and ive been supportive. I've had some recent stress and he has been kind.

I think the hardest part for me was that when you are together you make decisions together but with an element of emotional and practical support for each other. When you split there are just decisions, not supportive engagement. And that is inevitable. To expect otherwise is to act like an entitled emotional vampire.

harknesswitch · 16/03/2021 08:40

If he's not ready to talk then simply don't talk, don't ask his opinion, make the decision yourself. If he dislikes the outcome or isn't happy, THEN you can suggest talking.

This way you do keep a level of control over things too

canigooutyet · 16/03/2021 08:40

Things like therapy you message him the details of the therapist and his appointment times and if dad needs to reschedule on his days it’s down to him to deal with.

Bouncing ideas of him about the children might never happen. This is one of the hardest things about splitting, that person is not there.

The advantage of email/texts everything is written down and so harder for miscommunication and forgetting things.

Original poster
MonkeyBread · 16/03/2021 08:43

@MiniTheMinx
Thank you for your comment, it resonates a lot. He feels I handled the separation like a business transaction and it's because emotionally I have moved but he hasn't. I guess the hard thing for me is that is still hurts me. I am not removed and I am in pain after 14 years of being with someone for things to end like this just hurts. I am just trying to do the best for our kids given the circumstance but he doesn't see that side.

OP posts:
Original poster
MonkeyBread · 16/03/2021 08:48

I will text him the following:

I'm sorry, I will stop pushing and respect your needs to keep communication over text and email only. Let's keep things civil please.

Is that last sentence condescending? He sent me pretty hurtful texts last night and I haven't responded to any of it. I just don't want to put more salt in the wound but also want him to be respectful.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/03/2021 08:52

No, don't include the civil bit. He'll take it as a crack, (and it is really).

I'd also leave out the pushing bit. Just say something like "agreed, I'll respect your choice to stick to text/email."

Mintjulia · 16/03/2021 08:53

You could help explain this to your DCs and it could be useful for the future.

Explain to them that some times people feel a bit down, and that daddy is like that at the moment. It's been a tough year. Tell them that if someone feels down, sometimes it is good to just let them get their balance back on their own. If, right now, daddy doesn't want to talk to you but just wants to play with them, then that's absolutely fine and not to worry.