Ex refuses to communicate in person

[MonkeyBread]

Hi, I am a bit at a loss as to how to deal with this situation and mainly just need to rant too.

I'll set the scene. About 1 year ago we both decided to separate. I initiated the conversation as I was deeply unhappy and going to therapy I realised I needed to end things. He came up with all sorts of reasons he was unhappy too so we decided it was best for both. We have 2 kids, 7 and 11 years old. It was tricky to get to an agreement but we eventually got there. Now 1 year on we split the time evenly between the 2 houses. We weren't married so no nasty divorce there. But he suffers from depression and always has had a lot of anger in him so it has been a long journey to get to this point. I have been super patient respecting his need for space and have agreed to his communication pattern.

So to the problem. Now it's been a year since we split up and I am only able to communicate with him over text or email. This makes it 1-really hard to talk about logistics with the kids and 2-affecting the kids that we are unable to talk like adults.
Now I don't expect us to be at a point in which we can sit at each others hours and have a meal together, all I ask for is to be able to have a face to face conversation where we discuss things like parents evening or decisions regarding our kids, that's all.
So I texted him.asking to talk as our son was having a bad cough and medication etc. He refused and gave me a huge angry wall of text claiming I'm an emotional bully and how do I dare ask him to talk to him.
I get that I did do mistakes but I am so shocked about the level of anger in him towards me, I didn't even cheat on him or anything like thst. After 14 years of a mostly happy relationship this is what it comes down to?! It just hurts me and will affect the kids.
Thanks for reading.

I wouldn't even bother with a text, he'll just see it as another invasion from you.

Just text him next time you absolutely have to. I learnt early on that I actually didn't need to keep my ex updated re the dc much at all. It was up to him to get involved

If they had a Dr appoint I'd text him the time and date and if he wanted to come (but only if it was a consultation, for a minor cough or cold I'd not bother) then he could. If he wasn't there I'd not text him with how it went and I'd make any necessary decisions myself. As for parents evenings, it was his responsibility to get on the school mailing list and could make his own appointments, they didn't need us together and would do 2 separate meetings if he did want to go.

I think that last sentence is quite passive aggressive. I’d say ‘to keep communication to essential information about the kids and to always use either text or email.´ Don’t even acknowledge the hurtful texts.

Just stick to the texts no need to send a text saying you will. Honestly I would happily never speak to my ex again and I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way.

" Our son for example has Cognitive Behavioural problems so I am looking to get him therapy. I'd like to be able to discuss what the best options would be that work for both of us and are the best help for our son."

You're still using the term "us" - could this be why you're feeling shut out & disappointed? It sounds like you still on some level see you two as a team, otherwise why after all this time still refer to your ex as "us" ?

Stop factoring him into your plans - choose the therapy which suits YOU and son best. It sounds like you want to keep involving him in all your decision making processes involving your son, but you really don't.

it sounds like your end goal is for you to all one day sit down & have a lovely family meal again, or have a friendly co-parenting relationship. That may happen, but it also may not. You need to be mindful that people move on in different ways & your ex doesn't want to speak to you or see you - and that's OK as long as your son is cared for, safe & loved when he is with his father.

I would just not write back, because it seems like with every text you send, on some level you are hoping for a response from your ex - if he doesn't reply he is ignoring you & that makes you feel put out.

So advise just to stop texting unless its neccessary & to the point
Eg:
"Running late, be there 5mins"
"DS had therapy appointment today, went well"
"DS home from school today with sore throat, do call him today if you can he's asking for you"

It is possible to communicate by text without having a conversation & if you stop pushing then at least he will stop feeling like pulling away further.

I think the posters advising you not to text are correct - it's just a way of trying to continue the contact really and will likely provoke further angry responses.

Let him have the last word here, and only contact him if you genuinely need to. Which you need to stop and think about every single time - ask yourself, does he actually need to know this, or is it that I want to share it?

Also: "Let's keep things civil please."

Don't say that. That sounds so patronising & passive aggressive.

He isn't being uncivil towards you if he just isn't as communicative with you as you would prefer.

It doesn't sound like he is being combative, he has a different idea of what your post-split relationship looks like.

To not want to communicate face to face & discuss every aspect of your son's life as though you were still a couple is not being uncivil.

It sounds like anything less than how you want things to be between you is being uncivil. He may have pushed back & spoken to you harshly but it sounds like you were kind of pushing for a reaction.

You sound like hard work - if you want to separate good for you! But you can't then have it both ways & still have him involved in your life in the way you want.

Is it that you doubt yourself over parenting decisions & feel like you need everything to be a collaborative effort?

You do know it's possible for him to have entirely different rules & ideas of how to parent * now you have split you're no longer a team in that same way. Let him make his own parenting decisions & you make yours.

Not everything has to be in agreement !

I agree with the previous poster too,

You need to own this separation. You decided your not happy and told your partner as you knew you had to end it.. You then suggest he came up with reasons why he wasnt happy too and then separated. You are trying to suggest it was a mutual decision. When in fact it was yours. He is hurt as he has had his life turned upside down, family life as he knew it has gone and your bleating on about being hurt yourself. He has even told you that you treated the split like a business transaction. You need to own this ...you made the decision, he is hurt and upset and doesnt want to engage with you. Therapy appears to have made you very self absorbed and unwilling to see the true impact on the decisions you make or how your own behaviour is percieved.

I wouldn't respond to the texts last night where he is hurtful. For two reasons.

Firstly despite his stated desire to keep communication at a distance and impersonal, his actions speak otherwise. And to entertain his need to communicate his anger and bitterness will stoke up more of the same. This will harm you too.

Secondly, if his stated desire is for closure, distance and limited communication it would be disrespectful to do otherwise. You can only now respect his verbally stated wish, because its not your responsibility to see below the surface and deal with his pain, or his confusion. Leave him to deal with that. Why should you take on his pain? or allow him to spew out his anger directed at you? this will hurt you too.

Respect his wishes, and safeguard yourself.

I made all day to day decisions, I attended and made all appointments, and managed the lives of DC. Daddy became the fun one who took them out, bought them meals and stuff, and had a laugh with them. They are boys, they needed a father who was emotionally available and they respected. To keep the peace and ensure that happened I just had to accept I'd never have the full support of a proper co-parent. He wasn't able to disentangle it all, he couldn't be supportive to me in anyway. However there are benefits to this because I didn't have to seek approval on anything, made day to day life very much easier and never once have the boys used anything from their father to try and undermine my decision making! it has upsides.....

I would just step away from him very quietly and imperceptibly, look after yourself. Let him go boil over somewhere in a corner!

Can I just thank you all for this. I can't express how grateful I am for all your comments and at the same time horrified at how my actions can be seen as negative. I consider myself to be extremely empathetic, always seeking to improve my self awareness and question my actions to better understand myself and be a better person. I am shocked at how my actions can come across in a different light. My intention was never to hurt anyone, always patient and understanding. Yet I have managed to act in a way that has deeply hurt someone else and breached their needs. It goes to show that there are 2 sides to every coin and separation is a very difficult and challenging thing to go through.
Very insightful

I echo what others have said OP. Well done fir taking it on board and reflecting on your impact on your ex.

I have been divorced fir 13 years and stuck to texts or emails most of the time. We never really communicated face to face except at parents evening, on birthdays or if I was there briefly for handover. There's no need. I don't like or respect him. You can sort most things by email - it's the best place for objectivity when it comes to longer items. Or a text will do.

@Bouledeneige
Thank you for your words.
Separation is very new to me. My parents are happily married and none of my close friends growing up had been through any of this. Spain is more conservative with divorce I guess although times are changing.
A very good friend of mine has a great relationship with her ex, they have a daughter together and are able to communicate normally. I also have a friend who refuses who talk to her ex and doesn't want anything to do with him. So I guess I was just trying to aim for the ideal in my mind, but that doesn't mean it's the ideal for him. I have to accept that it's the way things will be from now on but it's hard and painful. BUT it was my choice and I have to deal with the consequences. It could be worst I guess so I'll be focusing on my own future and do the best I can for myself and the kids.

Well done for taking it on board OP. It's a big loss and adjustment to accept he doesn't want or need a relationship with you now other than minimal functional texts/emails. You'll get there. Just because you instigated this doesn't make it not hurt, I totally get that.

All the best.

I wouldn't even do that. Just don't answer at all. Next time you text it's simply 'x has this class at 6.40 pm tomorrow night' or whatever. And don't EVER apologise or explain again. He just uses it to convince himself he's hard done by. He must be, because you are admitting it! So don't.

And as for asking for his input on decisions - don't. That's just extra communication and really he's not going to have a sensible or useful viewpoint is he? He sounds like a baby tbh. Now you know where your son got his cognitive issues from. Your sons DX might give you clues about your ex.

Not sure you'll ever get much sense out of him tbh. He will probably never be a mature go parent, it's why he's an ex. Accept that and keep communication to the bare bones. No mention of any form of emotion. It's the best way to move through this imho.

And please don't beat yourself up! He's a scorned man and an immature man. You tried. That's all you owe this. Of course it hurts but equally once someone has dumped you I think most of us want no contact while we heal. He may get better with time.

OP i can totally see where you are coming from. Sometimes an actual conversation can be a lot quicker to agree something than to and fro via text or email.
But if he is being like this then just send the most essential info and do the rest yourself. The children should be the number 1 priority for you both but he is obviously not ready to put them first. Make any decisions yourself and he'll just have to deal with them.

Communication by text only is really common advice to mums on here who have been hurt (PP scorned and immature is such a horrible way to describe normal hurt feelings). He is doing his best to heal it seems and has no wish to have more contact than minimal.

You sound like a nice person. Don’t beat yourself up about this. At the end of the day you are just trying with the best intentions to co-parent. Unfortunately it’s too soon. He’s still angry and bitter - it make take years or never for the anger to disappear. In a few years you might both find new partners and things might be where you can speak or go to an event with your kids jointly. In an ideal world I’m sure some ex partners might want this. In the meantime keep doing what you’re doing, focusing on your kids xx