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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said she was been aggressive! Massive row!

46 replies

Silversandandsea · 16/03/2021 02:46

Yet another row with my husband about politics!
He claims the woman seen on tv clip at Clapham Common vigil was acting aggressively! I saw her been manhandled by police!
He says the police had no choice and the woman were wrong to protest at this time due to lockdown!
I am absolutely fed up of his right wing views! We ended up having a row as usual.
We disagree on everything to do with politics.
For example: Trump's treatment of refugees, (he says sure they'll be ok!)
Marcus Rashford's intervention on school lunch vouchers - he says he shouldn't have got involved and the govt have just responded due to social media pressure! Pontins banning those with Irish surnames - he thinks it's ok as "Irish gypsies cause trouble".
Brexit! Dont ask!!
And now this action relation to recent sad events in London (rest in peace Sarah).
Every single thing he seems to take the opposite view! Are there really many people who think the women were aggressive?!
I don't believe it.
But oh hang on, just my husband!
I'm embarrassed by his views and apparent lack of compassion.
He also thinks the nurses shouldn't get a pay rise and the nhs think they're amazing and on a pedestal!!
Anyway, I'm so mad at his views and I don't get it when people say "don't argue about politics" !
I'm very passionate about stuff and want to help others.
He gives to charity and has moments of compassion but he doesn't really do empathy.
I sometimes think he just disagrees with me by default and it's all about power.
He says I'm more political and he doesn't care about politics.
He claims he's apolitical!
He is so difficult to argue with and clever.
I try to make my point but get nowhere.
He is generally more cynical and suspicious whereas I am more trusting and optimistic.
No bloody wonder I'm on antidepressants! And yes, he has a temper too and tells me to leave him alone and it's always my fault.
Sorry, I could go on and on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silversandandsea · 16/03/2021 02:49

Sorry, just noticed typos and unable to edit!

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 16/03/2021 02:50

He is allowed his views and his views are telling you who he is. You don’t have to stay with him if his views are abhorrent to you. This is more about you then him - how much can you tolerate what you find to be distasteful and opposing political viewpoints in a partner?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 03:41

Why are you even married to him? It's one thing to have differing opinions, but all the rowing, lack of respect, abuse and gaslighting is just ridiculous. Your marriage sounds like my idea of hell.

Eekay · 16/03/2021 03:45

You must feel lonely in your relationship. Very hard if he has entrenched views which are abhorrent to you. It's difficult to "agree to disagree " when you see the issues as fundamental rather than trivial things.
And he has a temper.
You sound like you're at the end of your tether.

daretodenim · 16/03/2021 04:34

He's right. He's not interested in politics in those discussions, it's a power play. You'll never win because he's - from the sounds of things - winding you up and you get passionate and he stays purely rational. He may well believe everything he says, and he can believe what he wants, but that's not his point. He's getting satisfaction from seeing you frustrated. Next time he starts just say "That's an interesting view." and nothing else. It'll piss him off. I'm betting he will keep trying to engage you to get you worked up, escalating what he's saying to get a reaction from you. Don't give him the satisfaction.

In my opinion, if you need antidepressants to remain in a relationship, you shouldn't be in it. Maybe there are other reasons not elated to him. That's different but if he is any of those reasons, you need to figure out how to get out of the relationship and then do it.

Purplepeople12 · 16/03/2021 06:32

He is entitled to his views just as you are, and to be honest I think a fair few people, more than you imagine, share his views on the Vigil.

The thing is, you are very passionate about it, and if his views aren't political views, more life views, maybe he feels you're trying to tell him what he should think? I have a very 'left' friend, one of my closest actually, but he's very vocal in his beliefs- fine- but my God, if anyone happens to disagree with him, they clearly "don't get it" or they're "uneducated" etc. I have to bite my lip a lot, but sometimes I can't help myself and I tell him what I think, only to have all the ways I'm wrong rammed down my throat!!! I hope I'm wrong but if this is your way of being passionate about it, I can see why he might push back sometimes.

As everyone knows, Politics, like religion, are touchy subjects, and if either one of you is passionate in a different way to the other I can't see how you can live a happy life with such opposing views.

JorisBonson · 16/03/2021 06:44

I remember your previous posts about this OP. Why are you still with him if you're obviously unhappy and incompatible?

chocolateorangeinhaler · 16/03/2021 07:10

And do you leave him alone when asked?

He's allowed his views. Same as you are allowed yours.

TipseyTorvey · 16/03/2021 07:13

Op I could literally have written your post. My DH is exactly the same. Almost mocking my outrage about certain news articles or my passion for women's rights. Or worse my concern about racism (I'm not white and he is) he wasn't like this when I met him. He's slowly becoming the very definition of a staunch blue middle aged tory male and I have no idea how we got here. I'm going to try the grey rock tactic suggested above but it's no long term solution is it?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/03/2021 07:14

You don't like each other. Time to call it quits?

NotSeenBulling · 16/03/2021 07:19

A lot of people agree about the Clapham demonstration. There will be a spike in numbers as a result.

Agree with PP's he's a wind up merchant and there is no love or respect. It's toxic and it's over. Separate and you can both find people more aligned to your individual views. One of you has to be the adult and make the adult decision about this and it's clearly not going to him as he gets something from this. You will have to do it.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 16/03/2021 07:29

Only you can decide if you want to live with someone with these views and attitudes. I know I wouldn't, but YMMV.

bluebluezoo · 16/03/2021 07:32

In my opinion, if you need antidepressants to remain in a relationship, you shouldn't be in it

This. If he is the reason you are on antid’s, get rid if him.

Lampzade · 16/03/2021 07:35

You are incompatible.

Kelly345 · 16/03/2021 07:41

Right now any sort of demonstration is very unwise. Wait 3 weeks and there will almost certainly be a spike in infection rates around a certain part of south london. But that's not really what this topic is about is it?

AnnieWilkes1 · 16/03/2021 07:49

Well he is entitled to his opinion. She was. She was asked to move away and instead continually got in the police officers face. Unfortunately the media lies but bodyworn cameras don't.

Anyway, that's irrelevant after reading the rest of your post.
What do you get out of this relationship?

gutful · 16/03/2021 07:52

Your problem is you're focusing on the topic, but ignoring the issue.

The topic is politics

The issue is your incompatibility as a couple

TomorrowIsAnotherDae · 16/03/2021 07:53

Does he read the Daily Mail OP?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 16/03/2021 07:58

It's wrong to assume she wasn't being aggressive tbh. I doubt they held her on the floor for something to do when they knew the worlds media were there watching....... 🤔 I'm not having a real opinion until the bodycam footage is released.

I know people who were there and came away, it's safe to say that not everybody was there to peacefully lay flowers. Like everything most people were there for the right reasons but as always there was a small minority whose intention was to cause trouble. Not because they have any real interest in the safety of women and their right to move freely but because they're idiots.

category12 · 16/03/2021 07:58

In my opinion, if you need antidepressants to remain in a relationship, you shouldn't be in it

This.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 16/03/2021 07:59

As for the rest of it he sounds tedious.... If this is what your relationship is like then it sounds like it's had its day to me.

beelzeboob · 16/03/2021 08:05

The fact that you row about politics rather than discuss it is a shame.
Me and dp have differing views but we debate them, not row.
If he’s fine in other respects then I would say it’d be a shame to split, because people have differing views on loads of things. Are you on antidepressants because of the relationship?

vdbfamily · 16/03/2021 08:20

He may be correct about the protestor and there are plenty of us who work in the NHS who actually are just thankful to have a job in the current climate so don't assume all of us are jumping up and down shouting how unfair the 1% is. O think it is a shame when people cannot just discuss calmly and learn from each other. If you cannot you should avoid such topics.

Karwomannghia · 16/03/2021 08:26

I think he probably hears your views as complaints and it gets his back up so he automatically disagrees and becomes aggressive to shut you up.
It’s not a nice trait to have to deal with and you’ll find you end up agreeing with him as it’s easier.

Chloemol · 16/03/2021 08:32

So basically you think he is wrong and you are right and he should think like you?

He is entitled to his own views. If you know they are going to cause arguments because he won’t change his viewpoint to yours, because actually he can disagree with you, just don’t discuss the matter