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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He said she was been aggressive! Massive row!

46 replies

Silversandandsea · 16/03/2021 02:46

Yet another row with my husband about politics!
He claims the woman seen on tv clip at Clapham Common vigil was acting aggressively! I saw her been manhandled by police!
He says the police had no choice and the woman were wrong to protest at this time due to lockdown!
I am absolutely fed up of his right wing views! We ended up having a row as usual.
We disagree on everything to do with politics.
For example: Trump's treatment of refugees, (he says sure they'll be ok!)
Marcus Rashford's intervention on school lunch vouchers - he says he shouldn't have got involved and the govt have just responded due to social media pressure! Pontins banning those with Irish surnames - he thinks it's ok as "Irish gypsies cause trouble".
Brexit! Dont ask!!
And now this action relation to recent sad events in London (rest in peace Sarah).
Every single thing he seems to take the opposite view! Are there really many people who think the women were aggressive?!
I don't believe it.
But oh hang on, just my husband!
I'm embarrassed by his views and apparent lack of compassion.
He also thinks the nurses shouldn't get a pay rise and the nhs think they're amazing and on a pedestal!!
Anyway, I'm so mad at his views and I don't get it when people say "don't argue about politics" !
I'm very passionate about stuff and want to help others.
He gives to charity and has moments of compassion but he doesn't really do empathy.
I sometimes think he just disagrees with me by default and it's all about power.
He says I'm more political and he doesn't care about politics.
He claims he's apolitical!
He is so difficult to argue with and clever.
I try to make my point but get nowhere.
He is generally more cynical and suspicious whereas I am more trusting and optimistic.
No bloody wonder I'm on antidepressants! And yes, he has a temper too and tells me to leave him alone and it's always my fault.
Sorry, I could go on and on.

OP posts:
Sleepingdogs12 · 16/03/2021 08:46

It seems like you don't like each other very much. Either stay away from politics or agree to disagree or finish the relationship if he isn't the right person for you. It sounds exhausting .

MsJinks · 16/03/2021 09:05

Sounds like my ex FWB - I could initially tolerate differing opinions and debates, I struggled to tolerate his ‘lectures’ on topics which indicated my lack of intelligence compared to his, making me wonder if he believed what he said, or used it as an excuse to emphasise his own superiority, but ultimately I could not tolerate the underlying sexist, racist views which got progressively worse.
Part of it depends how you debate, or does he just be a bit ‘condescending’ ? If he is then that needs discussing separately to political debates.
Part of it is on wider views, sexism, racism etc, these are life values and can you live with a person with such widely different values to your own?
Finally, must add that he really isn’t going to turn round and say ‘you’re right, I’m wrong’ - I guess it would be nice when we’re so passionate about our views or values, but it’s not going to happen. That’s a dead end idea or hope so you must move on and decide how to handle it, accepting he won’t change.
I accommodate parents with different views/values and just nod and don’t argue - it’s made our relationship much easier and nicer, I felt I compromised my values at first, and the option to have an honest relationship, but keeping it superficial in some areas and focussing on connecting in others can work - bit different with a life partner I guess, but many couples manage it. I don’t know so many that take anti depressants to cope with a relationship though, so this does need addressing. All the best OP.

Flyg · 16/03/2021 09:21

I couldnt stay with someone with those views, especially not if i was having endless rows with them at home. I think i am probably quite like you, in that i feel im on 'your side' regarding each of the issues you raise in your OP, and also i get emotional about it and it really can upset me.

I find it bad enough coming across people like your DH on facebook, I could not stand to live in the same house as them. I also think there is a possibility he is deliberately winding you up.

I remember by exP once standing grandly in front of me as I sat on the couch, and telling me how he and his friend had agreed (whilst in the pub, while i was home with our DD) that the gender pay gap isnt a problem really, its just inevitable that when women stay off more with kids, men work and therefore progress in their careers to earn more. I honestly wasnt annoyed by this comment, I just thought to myself thats theres probably more to it, but i wasnt emotional or angry at all. So i just answered quite normally with something like "i suppose so maybe yeah" ..... anyway he looked pissed off he hadnt upset me, and actually went on to say to me "you look like your fuming"

He wanted a fight, he wanted to upset me. If yours is doing the same i know how unpleasant things must be.

Flyg · 16/03/2021 09:23

ps life away from somoene who emotionally upsets you almost constantly is the sweetest bliss you can imagine

AnnaMagnani · 16/03/2021 09:29

TBF I think he's right about the female protestor who seems to have been representing a fringe group who promptly protested about the deaths of transwomen in prison, at least one of whom turned out to be a rapist.

So I think you maybe need to look a bit deeper into your own views on things.

However are you compatible? Is he just arguing with you for the sake of it? Do you deep down have the same values in life? Has he got your back?

These are much more important things to care about.

annonnymous · 16/03/2021 09:39

My ex was like this. Awful views on everything and racist to boot. It's all very well to say don't discuss certain things but surely in a relationship you can discuss everything and not be faced with awful views? If you don't discuss current affairs what else is there to talk about. My ex's views were an indicator of his personality which he disguised well before marriage.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 16/03/2021 09:43

TBH I’m a bit like your DH - overly emotional/‘passionate’ people annoy me and I’d wind them up on purpose if they didn’t shut up. Because I prefer nuanced discussion (did finance and politics stuff at uni).
But your partner is being cruel...and if his viewpoint upsets you so much why are you still with him? If his personal qualities outweighs this then don’t discuss politics.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 16/03/2021 09:48

*also just to note my partner is like me - we have quite balanced views on things
Also OP empathy is good but you seem to be taking a lot of the ills of the world personally. You need someone compassionate and feeling, your husband isn’t this sort of person. He probably thinks you’re being histrionic =•= men like this never change..

Atla · 16/03/2021 09:56

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who disagreed with me so fundamentally and disrespectfully.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 16/03/2021 14:37

I think you can be in a relationship with someone whose view points differs from yours. ( Excepting, racists, abusers, gas lighters, etc, etc ).

As long as you respect each other, respect each other’s right to have an alternative point of view, and to always try to finish a discussion or debate with an agreement to disagree.

Some great advice I received many years ago, was, ‘ We have two ears and one mouth for a reason ‘ and ‘ Although we may love the sound of our own voice, to others, we sound like a broken record ‘

As a man, I empathised and supported the vigil. With a serving policeman in custody being accused of murdering Sarah E ( God rest her soul ), it was not a good look for the police being physical with some of the women protesters.

I think under the circumstances, the majority of policing should have been done by female officers.

My female partner disagreed, saying they were breaking the law with the potential to spread the virus and possibly infecting and killing other people.

She was right. Technically and legally. But in a larger sense, shouldn’t women be able to feel safe walking home, whatever the time, shouldn’t people feel equal have have equal equity in society whatever the colour of their skin.......

Laws should be upheld, but they can and sometimes, should be changed. Equally, injustice and perceptions of injustice should change, too.

As someone up thread has said, if you are going to discuss or debate politics or religion, it has to be mutually respectful and nuanced.

I think your unhappiness has less to do with your opposing view points and more to do with your incompatible personalities......

isadoradancing123 · 16/03/2021 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Silversandandsea · 16/03/2021 23:08

What?!!!

OP posts:
Silversandandsea · 16/03/2021 23:37

Thank you.
I'm glad you've deleted that post as it was racist!
I'm surprised no
one else commented on it!!

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 17/03/2021 01:15

Everyone is entitled to their own viewpoints and if you can't agree to disagree then you can't be together. My DH is very political I am not. He tends to look down his nose at me in debates when I play devil's advocate (I wouldn't go as far as supporting trump, not a chance in hell, but I think turning your nose up at any kind of payrise in this current situation re the NHS - is really disrespectful and tone deaf for example. As is a gathering in a pandemic . Where is the honouring the 10's of 1000's of others, dead and dying from Covid in that? I find the more political someone is the more zealous and forceful they try to be, imposing their views on others. Those of us who aren't as bothered just won't take that lying down like we perhaps used to, so we bite back with a taste of your own.

PaterPower · 17/03/2021 09:06

I know it’s not the main point of this thread, but I think the “vigil,” whatever the original intention, was hijacked by a number of groups with agendas that I doubt are shared by the majority of the public (and dare I say it, likely not by Sarah E either).

I don’t particularly like the Police as an organisation; I think some of the recruits it attracts and retains get off on the power trip. But even in the footage of that arrest, you can see they make several attempts to ask the people on the bandstand to move off first. Those that were arrested wanted to be nicked. They were courting the publicity.

Blacktothepink · 17/03/2021 09:09

I couldn’t be with someone who holds those views...

TabithaTeacake · 17/03/2021 09:14

Been with my dh many years. We are poles apart on many things political . He will rant and rave at some things on the news .
I just ignore him.

apalledandshocked · 17/03/2021 09:19
(Pam Ayres)
Branleuse · 17/03/2021 09:36

I think youre probably on to something thinking he is just disagreeing with you for the sake of it.
Maybe youve grown apart? I dont think id be able to reconcile it in my head. Differences of opinion are fine if I can still understand and respect where the other person is coming from and theyll discuss it with me, but if our views were on completely different parts of the political spectrum, id feel like we had nothing in common on quite important things

Mittens030869 · 17/03/2021 09:40

Tbh, it sounds like you two are incompatible, and don’t even like each other. It certainly isn’t just about politics, although I share your views and would find his objectionable, too. (I’m on the fence about Clapham, though I think the police clearly completely mishandled it.)

If you’re hoping to convince your DH of your political views, you’ll be disappointed. People don’t generally change their minds that often.

DoctorManhattan · 17/03/2021 09:42

He is just as entitled to his views and opinions are you are to yours.

The question here is whether you can both tolerate each other’s views or not.

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