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Original poster

Am I being naive?

44 replies

AnnieWilkes1 · 15/03/2021 23:06

Me and my bf (always feel odd calling him that, I'm in my late 30's!) started as fb's and both realised we had feelings and we've been together now for several months.
He is a wonderful man, and I'm blissfully happy. Probably too blissfully Hmm

When we met he had only recently separated from his wife (it wasn't an issue in the beginning as neither of us planned for this to be a relationship) and was still living in their home and she had moved back to her parents with their ds. This is what he told me anyway.
I've never been to his house because his ex lives around the corner and pops back now and again without warning and he doesn't want to upset her.
Their house is rented and his ex is staying at her parents and my bf is moving back to his parents for a while while he saves some money. Only this hasn't happened yet, I'm not sure on time frame.

I realise that much of what I have said is a red flag to him not being single at all, but he comes to me, sometimes last minute plans and stays the night, is not constantly checking his phone and when he's not here then we often text or speak on the phone at different times of the day. So in that respect, it doesn't concern me.

I just have a niggling doubt. To be honest I have fallen deeply in love with him, he makes me feel amazing in every possible way and he could not treat me better than he does.

I don't develop feelings easily, I don't let anyone in easily and I'm not usually a naive person but I would really appreciate peoples opinions.

OP posts:
lifehack · 15/03/2021 23:32

I wouldn't like being kept away from his house, if he is single then his ex has to accept he's moving on, he can't go on worrying about upsetting her.
Is he available when you suggest to meet? I wouldn't accept last minute plans, sounds like he just wants to pop round for a shag. I guess more will be revealed after lockdown when life goes back to normal, if he's willing to take you out, see you weekends etc as a priority in his life rather than fitting you in last minute.

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 15/03/2021 23:44

Sorry I should have been clearer- the last minute plans are mutually agreed. Sometimes I'll ask him at 5pm if he wants to come over that evening and he will. He actually never suggests last minute things as he doesn't like to pressure me in any way (as I have dc and a very busy job).
He stays over some weekends, doesn't rush off in the morning etc.
I'm certain that it's not just about a shag for him, though we do usually as we both have a high drive Blush

It's just the not going to his at any point that is the concern.
I don't want to pressure him if it is the truth, as I would absolutely hate the ex to find out that way. I'm very conscious of that. But at the same time I don't want to be taken for a mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 16/03/2021 06:59

Anyone else?

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 16/03/2021 18:24

i feel like the ex may be staying there sometimes. whenever i was dating most men preferred if i went over to their house vs coming to mine. so i find it strange unless maybe he's a slob and doesn't want you to see his house.

wobblywinelover · 16/03/2021 18:48

Have you said to him that it might be nice if you went round to his sometime instead of him coming to yours all the time and if so what was his reaction?

wobblywinelover · 16/03/2021 18:49

It shouldn't be a big deal even if his ex wife does pop round from time to time. Not sure why she would need to do that though anyway, if the children are with her at her parents..? Think we need more information

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 12:22

I have mentioned it but he is worried she might pop back to collect things (she has not yet taken all of her and dc's things), technically they both have the right to be there until they end the rental... not sure when this will be, he said January, then March and now who knows Hmm
He says it would hurt her if she came back for something and I was there, because he initiated the split, although she is accepting of it.

His reasons are valid, if they're true. It's whether they are true or not that I'm struggling with.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 17/03/2021 12:41

Have you met or spoken to his parents OP

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 13:14

@Anordinarymum no I haven't, but he hasn't mine so on its own isn't a red flag, but combined with everything else...

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 17/03/2021 13:18

I'd be tempted to drive by and see if her car is there

frozendaisy · 17/03/2021 13:29

I don't think it sounds that bad more like he doesn't want to unnecessarily upset his ex, which could be wise.

You say you're blissfully happy, his actions and phone use don't seem dodgy.

I would enjoy your time as you do and see what happens when he moves in with his parents.

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 13:58

@frozendaisy this is what a part of me feels. That I'm over thinking things and I should enjoy our time together and see what happens.

I just have the thought at the back of my mind that I might be the other woman- I guess partly from reading similar stories on here!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 14:03

Are you able to phone him at any time of the day or night? Has he ever made excuses not to answer?

I doubt he's still living with her if he's able to stay over with you whenever he wants. It does sound as though he's moved on very quickly, though.

Could she be staying with her parents because they need to be cared for?

HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 14:03

Have you found her on social media? Is he open with you on there?

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 14:06

@HollowTalk yes I can phone him any time day or night and he will either always pick up or phone me back soon after. He always responds to messages quickly too.

I think she's moved back to her parents because their house is big enough and she can't afford the rent on her own.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 14:07

Yes we are friends on fb, I've seen her profile on there but it's very closed down.

OP posts:
tropicalwaterdiver · 17/03/2021 14:10

What do you mean who knows when the rent ends? Surely, as a tenant he has a clear agreement with the end date.
Do you meet only at your house? Presumably, he doesn't want to be seeing with you?

tropicalwaterdiver · 17/03/2021 14:11

Obviously, during lockdown there is no choice but walk and meal at home... Did you go out before the lockdown?

fivelemons · 17/03/2021 14:12

Are you absolutely sure that they have split up and are not still living together?

Whatisthisfuckery · 17/03/2021 14:23

I can see why you’re feeling unsettled OP. You are sharing yourself with him and making yourself vulnerable but he is still giving over a good part of his consideration to his wife. He doesn’t want his wife to know he has a girlfriend so he is compartmentalising you from that area of his life, but at the same time you are feeling that you’re relationship is not fully validated because he won’t be open about you. In effect he is trying to protect his wife’s feelings, or more accurately he’s trying not to rock the apple cart as it would cause him grief, but this is at the expense of you feeling insecure in your relationship and that you are not a significant and important person to him, or at least not as significant and important as his wife.

This is up to you OP, it’s up to how much you are willing to feel like the second in line to his consideration. If you think he’s genuine and that things will change once he moves back in with his parents then you might hang on and see, but I think that for your own self esteem you need to set some lines. If you are going to give yourself emotionally to this man then he has to reciprocate, and you need to be clear with him that you won’t be a secret forever.

Eckhart · 17/03/2021 14:24

I think the main issue here, whether your suspicions turn out to be true or not, is that you're capable of feeling that you love somebody you don't trust.

If you can't be open an honest about your feelings with your partner, then there is a fundamental flaw somewhere in the foundation of your relationship.

What's stopping you from talking to him? You're afraid of hurting him, but you are hurting.

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 14:47

@fivelemons well yes, hence my post here.

To answer the other questions, the rent is on a rolling contract so month by month.

We do meet in his town occasionally, he doesn't seem worried about us being seen together, I've just never been back to his house. As it's lockdown now we just tend to see each other at mine.

I have talked to him about my concerns, he always addresses them and says the right things that do make sense in many ways.
Still doesn't stop the doubt though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 14:50

@fivelemons that should have said "well no" trying to multitask and failing!

OP posts:
Eckhart · 17/03/2021 15:07

@AnnieWilkes1

Still doesn't stop the doubt though

Why don't you believe him? What's the thing that makes it still niggle?

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 15:17

@Eckhart I am not totally sure. He has never done anything to make me suspicious. He's the first person I've had feelings for since I split from my exH several years ago.
I have never been an an insecure person but maybe the hurt (and deceit and lies) that I went through previously is impacting my current relationship, which is part of the reason I posted here - to see if my thoughts and insecurities are justified or not.

OP posts:
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