Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being naive?

44 replies

AnnieWilkes1 · 15/03/2021 23:06

Me and my bf (always feel odd calling him that, I'm in my late 30's!) started as fb's and both realised we had feelings and we've been together now for several months.
He is a wonderful man, and I'm blissfully happy. Probably too blissfully Hmm

When we met he had only recently separated from his wife (it wasn't an issue in the beginning as neither of us planned for this to be a relationship) and was still living in their home and she had moved back to her parents with their ds. This is what he told me anyway.
I've never been to his house because his ex lives around the corner and pops back now and again without warning and he doesn't want to upset her.
Their house is rented and his ex is staying at her parents and my bf is moving back to his parents for a while while he saves some money. Only this hasn't happened yet, I'm not sure on time frame.

I realise that much of what I have said is a red flag to him not being single at all, but he comes to me, sometimes last minute plans and stays the night, is not constantly checking his phone and when he's not here then we often text or speak on the phone at different times of the day. So in that respect, it doesn't concern me.

I just have a niggling doubt. To be honest I have fallen deeply in love with him, he makes me feel amazing in every possible way and he could not treat me better than he does.

I don't develop feelings easily, I don't let anyone in easily and I'm not usually a naive person but I would really appreciate peoples opinions.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 17/03/2021 15:26

They are justified by your own experiences and emotional responses. Whether he is guilty or not is not something that anybody can confirm or deny; even if he says it himself, you don't believe him.

What would stop the doubt?

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 15:44

@Eckhart That's a good question. Solid proof that he is truly separated I guess. Maybe going back to his, maybe seeing so in some other way.

OP posts:
Tallybeebloom · 17/03/2021 15:58

Me and my EXH lived together in separate rooms for a while until our house sold. We both dated in that time and both knew the other was dating but would never have brought someone back to ours out of respect for the other person.
If there are no other red flags then I wouldn't worry too much, although I would question it of any flags did appear. It does sound like you guys started off pretty soon after their relationship ended, do you think that could be adding to your insecurities? His life not really being fully separated from his ex before you and he starting out?
I met my current DP just a few weeks before EXH and I sold and moved out, and while I wouldn't change DP for the world I sometimes think I should have spent some time myself first before starting anything as it created some insecurities for us both right at the beginning (although we are way past all that now).

Eckhart · 17/03/2021 16:04

[quote AnnieWilkes1]@Eckhart That's a good question. Solid proof that he is truly separated I guess. Maybe going back to his, maybe seeing so in some other way.[/quote]
You need to ask him to provide this, then. If you can't ask, there's more of a problem in your relationship than his potential infidelity.

If he's guilty, or if this is based purely on insecurities that have come about from your side, the two of you need to be able to communicate about it.

Also, it could be the case that he's not guilty, but you're still not compatible because something makes him feel untrustworthy to you, anyway.

Respect your feelings. Don't over ride them with 'I'm just being silly' or 'I'm oversensitive' or 'Everyone tells me I shouldn't worry'. Your feelings are the core of who you are, insecurities and all. You need to look after them; it's self respect.

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 17/03/2021 16:13

@Tallybeebloom I definitely think that plays a part. We started as fb's/fwb and that's all it was supposed to be.

@Eckhart I don't have a problem asking him for this, but I'm not sure how he could provide it. If he won't let me go to his because of his ex then that is a valid reason in my opinion, so I can't force him to take me there. I'm not sure what other proof he could provide.
I'm definitely not minimising my feelings... well actually I do try to at times but he doesn't let me and always insists that I don't minimise them in any way and that I talk them through with him.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 17/03/2021 16:18

Why do you need proof, though? That's how legal proceedings work, not loving relationships. Loving relationships rest on a basis of trust and mutual support.

If he supports your feelings, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to reassure you. But he prioritises his ex's feelings above this.

optimistic40 · 17/03/2021 18:05

It might just be that the family home feels weird for him - it was his home with his ex. Have you asked him?

ItsNotLoveActually · 17/03/2021 21:40

I'm not buying it, that his ex pops round unexpectedly to collect stuff. I mean, seriously, how often does she do it? Also, would she pop round late in the evening? If they've truly split, then why wouldn't she just get her stuff in one go, it doesn't make sense.
He's not being honest with his 'ex' - that much we/you know. If she's not living there and they've truly split up, then I don't see why you couldn't go round.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 17/03/2021 22:52

@frozendaisy

I don't think it sounds that bad more like he doesn't want to unnecessarily upset his ex, which could be wise.

You say you're blissfully happy, his actions and phone use don't seem dodgy.

I would enjoy your time as you do and see what happens when he moves in with his parents.

This is my thoughts too
BehindMyEyes · 18/03/2021 00:30

You've only been together for several months ? He had only recently separated ? How long are we actually talking about here as to me several is 3/4 months and that is no time at all since the ending of a marriage .

gutful · 18/03/2021 04:34

"To be honest I have fallen deeply in love with him, he makes me feel amazing in every possible way and he could not treat me better than he does."

Actually he could treat you better by having you come around to his & not keeping him as a secret to a supposedly Ex-wife he is still apparently pandering to.

The fact you're a dirty little secret & another woman's feelings are still his priority = run for the hills

He could be separated but they are without doubt still emotionally enmeshed & that isn't healthy.

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 18/03/2021 07:26

We have been together around 8 months, the first couple were just as Fwb's/fb's though. He split with his ex around a month before that, I do realise that's very soon, it didn't matter in the beginning as there weren't supposed to be feelings involved.

I do understand what is being said about being a secret, but on the other hand I haven't told my exH either and I would prefer him not to know as I don't want to cause any issues... And there's certainly no feelings there.

OP posts:
BehindMyEyes · 18/03/2021 11:32

@AnnieWilkes1

We have been together around 8 months, the first couple were just as Fwb's/fb's though. He split with his ex around a month before that, I do realise that's very soon, it didn't matter in the beginning as there weren't supposed to be feelings involved.

I do understand what is being said about being a secret, but on the other hand I haven't told my exH either and I would prefer him not to know as I don't want to cause any issues... And there's certainly no feelings there.

The fact that you haven't told your ex is irrelevant .So it is only 8 months or so since he and his wife split up .😬😬😬 What a mess . If it were me then I would be checking out more about his living situation .
Eckhart · 18/03/2021 12:45

@AnnieWilkes1

We have been together around 8 months, the first couple were just as Fwb's/fb's though. He split with his ex around a month before that, I do realise that's very soon, it didn't matter in the beginning as there weren't supposed to be feelings involved.

I do understand what is being said about being a secret, but on the other hand I haven't told my exH either and I would prefer him not to know as I don't want to cause any issues... And there's certainly no feelings there.

Would you tell your ex, if your boyfriend said it was upsetting him that you hadn't?
Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 19/03/2021 07:17

Thanks for the replies. I've taken them all on board. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable with being concerned (I find I'm second guessing myself and my feelings a lot, which I shouldn't).

Anyway, I saw him last night and talked about all of my concerns. He was gutted that I hadn't raised them clearly before and explained things to me, taking some of the blame about not moving sooner. Basically he's willing to do whatever it takes to put my mind at rest and suggested I go to his (on a day/time that I decide) so that I can see he lives alone, and that although he doesn't want to upset the ex, my feelings are more important than that.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 19/03/2021 07:22

That sounds good. D'you feel better now, Annie?

Careful with the second guessing yourself thing. It's tricky to meet somebody's needs, but especially if they don't tell you about them. It's part of your responsibility to yourself and to your relatiosnhip to communicate your feelings clearly, even if they seem somehow unacceptable.

NotaCoolMum · 19/03/2021 07:42

@AnnieWilkes1 that sounds good- I’d pick a day/time randomly- just ring him and say “I’m coming over now if that’s ok”- his reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If you set a day/time a few days in advance, he’ll have time to prepare and may hide things/tell exW he’s poorly and not to come over etc.
That being said, please be careful about investing too much in a man that is still obviously not laid to rest issues with his (very recent) ex wife. Although he ended it, he obviously loved her enough to marry her and have DC with her so he will undoubtedly still have emotional and practical ties to her that he needs time to unravel. You need to brace yourself for a rollercoaster ride if/when he does tell her about you. If she is hurt by it, I can promise he will feel extreme guilt and most likely withdraw from you. Please just be prepared.
I’m not saying he’s a two timer or anything, but he’s VERY fresh out of a marriage and if he doesn’t want her to know about you- it’s for a reason 💐

Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 19/03/2021 07:52

@NotaCoolMum yes that's what he suggested I do- just phone 20 mins beforehand on a random day/time so that I can see him as he is.

I'm also very aware of his recent split and that there may well be issues later on.
I've been online dating a while and would always rule out those fresh out of a marriage/long relationship but as we were only supposed to be fwb's at most, I didn't take that into account at the start. It does make me nervous that I could be opening myself up to a lot of hurt, but I love him and I can't change that so will just have to deal with that when it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieWilkes1 · 19/03/2021 07:53

@Eckhart yes, I feel much much better now.
I know I need to try not to second guess myself and do keep reminding myself that my feelings are valid, whatever they are.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread