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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Won't sleep over...

30 replies

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 17:40

Ugh, this is really upsetting me.

Me and my OH have been together almost a year now. Things were going great, then we hit a bit of a rough patch due to my ex interfering and other stresses which put a strain on things, we almost split up but we managed to hold it together and I can say now that we seem to have came out the other end and things are good.

Before all the stress my OH would stay every night but when things got rough he went back home to his mums. He went back there last October and hasn't stayed over once since.

I've addressed the situation more than a couple of times and I've had a number of excuses.

He likes his own space.
The dog stinks (my dog is now out of the equation as he was put to sleep over a month ago, he was extremely wiffy due to a bad skin condition)
He doesn't see why he needs to, it doesn't define our relationship.

I just struggle with it as I think it does define our relationship, not completely, but i believe it plays a part, to have that closeness and have that intimacy, and I don't just mean in a sexual way, security, trust and commitment.

I'm not expecting him to be here every single night, even just the weekends, as he has pointed out that there's no point in him staying through the week as I'm away out to work at 9am with him not starting til 1pm so he would be left on his own (BUT I thought he liked his own space?) Were both off at wkends so would work great.

Anyways, I approached the subject again last night, and he said "he will have a think about it". I'm sorry but what is there actually to think about?

It hurts because I just want him here and he clearly doesn't feel the same way.

Am I being OTT? He says that I'm never happy and I'm always wanting more. I love him and want to build with him so what is wrong with wanting something more?

OP posts:

Eckhart · 15/03/2021 17:46

Stop minimising your feelings. He's not meeting your needs. Tell him that if he continues to not meet your needs, you will end the relationship. Follow through.

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 15/03/2021 17:53

I can't recommend this book highly enough. One example of avoidant attachment style that comes up frequently is refusing to sleep in the same bed: g.co/kgs/YbZhbj

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 15/03/2021 17:54

Sorry, better link: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1529032172/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_7S475TA4GKG0NJW18YEV?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/03/2021 17:55

Presumably from your user name you have children so it’s probably wise for a new relationship that’s already had bumps to go slow and be kept separate from the children.

Original poster

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 17:59

Yea but how slow can we get? He hasn't stayed over at all in 6 months. I'm asking for 1 or 2 nights the odd time. I'm not wanting him to move in with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 18:03

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict

Sorry, better link: ]]

Thank you, I can download it free on audible.

OP posts:

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 15/03/2021 18:04

There are a lot of questionnaires but I guess you will get a PDF with the audiobook

Eckhart · 15/03/2021 18:05

Do you feel you have security, trust and commitment in the relationship? What gives you those feelings? Does he behave in a secure, trustworthy and committed way towards you?

It doesn't really sound like it, if you can present an issue to him that's important to you several times, and he can't get round to answering you. It sounds like he's fine leaving you to feel insecure, rejected, and he's very non-commital about it.

Original poster

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 18:18

@Eckhart

Do you feel you have security, trust and commitment in the relationship? What gives you those feelings? Does he behave in a secure, trustworthy and committed way towards you?

Trust is there about 80% of the way, I don't feel like he's committed and I don't really feel secure due to him not wanting to stay over and the added issue of not adding me on Facebook (sounds silly I know but it presents uncertainty)

The other part of the story is, as much as my ex was causing issues, my OH was creating issues also by texting another girl, liking pics of other girls and following pages of girls he didn't know but liked the look of.....i became paranoid and obsessed so when we were "Facebook friends" I would check every single thing like if he added someone new, if he had liked a photo etc. Like I say managed to come out the other side of that stuff but it obviously still lingers a bit but I have got over it almost completely but this situation isn't helping me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 18:30

It's just a really strange situation for me, we have the best laughs and we spend our days off together, he brings me little surprises and makes a fuss over me like he did yesterday for mothers day, we lay and watch our favourite programmes together and we cuddle on the sofa, he calls me before he starts work and calls me every break he has at work, he comes here every evening....BUT I feel like there's just that missing part to our relationship.

We haven't had sex in a while, he is having some man issues due to stress and anxiety. However he won't address the situation at the doctors. The suggestion of sleeping over I thought could bring that little bit of intimacy that were missing from not having sex, a cuddle in bed. But am I now adding to the stress he already has? There's There's so many factors to this.

OP posts:

Dery · 15/03/2021 18:37

If he cared about you enough, you would not be having to talk him into staying over. The fact that he doesn't want to stay over and that he has been contacting other women and won't add you on Facebook tells you what you need to know. It's not you being over-sensitive - it's you recognising deep down that a committed boyfriend just doesn't behave the way he's behaving. He doesn't want what you're offering and what he's offering you isn't enough. No relationship is perfect but a good relationship substantially meets both partner's needs whereas here you're expected to make do with crumbs and be grateful. It really sounds like you'd be better off cutting your losses, returning to the footloose and fancy-free life of a single person and holding out for a man who cares enough to spend the night with you.

Dery · 15/03/2021 18:39

Hi OP - I missed your later update which does potentially change things somewhat. It could be that staying all night would represent added pressure for him. But sexual intimacy is still possible without penetrative sex and, as you say, you could snuggle up.

Freyaismyname · 15/03/2021 18:43

My partner of two and a half years has never stayed over at my house either. And he hasn't asked me to stay at his (apparently he gets anxious staying out. Although we only live 10 mins apart.
I'm ending the relationship this weekend as I feel it's not a proper relationship.

Original poster

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 18:49

@Freyaismyname
Why is it you feel it isn't a proper relationship? Is it due to the not staying over situation? Or are there other aspects to it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 18:52

@Dery

I agree it changes things somewhat but I have even explained to him that cuddling up is more more than enough for me. I thought that being close like that could even help the problem as things would feel more natural.

OP posts:

Pokske · 15/03/2021 18:52

If he doesn't want to sleep over, he's in a way rejecting the way you live - or he's not interested in your way of life.
A psychiatrist told me that when I had the same issue with a man a long while ago.

Original poster

Mummytoarron · 15/03/2021 18:54

@Pokske

If he doesn't want to sleep over, he's in a way rejecting the way you live - or he's not interested in your way of life. A psychiatrist told me that when I had the same issue with a man a long while ago.

This is what I feels like, it feels like rejection. I just don't understand how things things turn so dramatically from staying every single night to not staying at all.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 15/03/2021 18:58

If you 20% don't trust him, you don't trust him, full stop.

I don't see what's confusing you. It's a relationship in which you feel your partner isn't 100% trustworthy, is non committal, doesn't want to spend as much time together as you would, looks at other women, makes you feel jealous and paranoid, won't give you a straight answer when something's bothering you, and you're accepting this for some cuddles on the sofa and a giggle.

When a person makes you feel paranoid and insecure because they're ogling other people and don't seem committed, that's when you leave. You don't stick around and worry about whether you're making life hard for him.

All those little niggles you've got, and have had, that's the real you, screaming her head off inside you, saying 'Get away from him! Get away! He's not good for you!', and you keep on trying to silence her so that you get some cuddles and you can keep hoping he'll change because he'll realise how very very special you are.

Well, you are very special, and he's not the type of guy who's ever going to respect that, so you need to respect it yourself. You're special, and you deserve someone who treats you brilliantly, and would be worried if they thought they were upsetting you, enough to sit you down and talk things through until you felt better.

He is minimising your needs, and that's what's upsetting you. But you are equally guilty of minimising your own needs. Have a think about what you want, and find someone who can give it to you.

MarshmallowAra · 15/03/2021 19:30

my OH was creating issues also by texting another girl, liking pics of other girls and following pages of girls he didn't know but liked the look of....

What do you mean by coming out the other side of that; did he stop texting the other woman, and following fb pages of women he doesn't know and fancied?

The liking pics .. was that women he knows or ..

MarshmallowAra · 15/03/2021 19:34

That doesn't sound like the behaviour of a committed partner to me tbh; it sounds like someone trying to make connections with women he fancies on FB, and what was the story about texting the other girl (I take it it wasn't just platonic texting with a female friend?).

He still doesn't sound committed tbh. He sounds like he doesn't want the significance, for lack of a better word, of staying over.

MarshmallowAra · 15/03/2021 19:36

Maybe that would define it as a relationship for him, and he doesn't want it defined as a committed serious relationship (?)

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/03/2021 22:52

Doesn’t matter if he slept over every night the fact that he was texting another girl should be a deal breaker. Makes me think he wants that free time to text other girls when you’re not around.

EarthSight · 15/03/2021 23:18

Hasn't this been posted before, more than once? Maybe it's just a coincidence.

PlanetPuddle · 15/03/2021 23:26

What leaps out to me is that you refer to him as OH but as I read your posts they sounded more like a boyfriend at the start of a relationship who wasn't quite sure he was ready for commitment.

PlanetPuddle · 15/03/2021 23:28

Oops posted too soon sorry! I'm not saying you are wrong to feel how you do I just don't think he wants the same as you from a relationship.

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