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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone have a happy enough marriage without being in love?

35 replies

OneTrickMummy · 07/11/2007 13:23

I have been with DH for 8 years. We get along in a friendly and enjoyable way for much of the time, but we are not passionate, we do not say 'I love you', and we never have done, really.

I lurk on Mumsnet a lot and see how close people feel to their DHs, and I envy that. I do try to make a big effort to be close and affectionate, in fits and starts, and sometimes it works. Then we have a row and we seem to slip back into just getting along fine. We are ok as a team, I am not unhappy, as such, and I think he feels pretty much the same way.

Should we carry on like this? Try harder? Or be ambitious and make a break for the chance of something passionate with someone else? (which would mean breaking the DC's hearts, and have no guarantee of success).

OP posts:

Bertolli · 07/11/2007 13:45

Mmm.. well, to be with someone a long time means that you can't stay in that place of passionate exciting love that you have at the beginning of a relationship. (did you have that?)And i think a lot of people find that very difficult, they get 5 years in or so and then think flip, it's different now, and feel disappointed. You are working as a team, bringing up the kids, working, running the house, it's real life, and unless one makes an effort, romance can die a death very easily. my advise would be don;t give up! Say you met someone else, well guess what, the same thing happens. The passion fades. Relationships are evolving things. make time for yourselves as a couple. dress up. go out for dinner. or take a crispy autumn walk together. and talk about the future, your dreams and plans. Remember what attracted you to each other in the beginning. There is no doubt about it, marriage takes work, even in the best and most secure ones. This is my humble opinion anyway X

Oblomov · 07/11/2007 13:50

I wonder if you have a misconception of what the real state of others relationships are.
I totally love dh, but not all the time. Often we just trot along, as you describe. We don't make love all that often either. But we are very thoughtful.
We have been together 7 years.
Maybe you could explain a bt more, what you think you 'ought' to be like.

fluffyanimal · 07/11/2007 13:54

You're being unrealistic if you want constant passion because that can't be maintained. IMO a successful marriage is based more on the friendship and partnership, liking and respect - the rest should come from that. If you still have that as a basis, then there are ways in which you can inject more romance and passion in your relationship. Everything Bertolli said was right.

phdlifeneedsanewlife · 07/11/2007 13:58

I'd say, if it ain't broke, why would you want to fix it?

Original poster

OneTrickMummy · 07/11/2007 14:01

We had passion at the start, and lots of fun. We now have friendship, parnternship, liking and respect, as FluffyAnimal says.

But I don't feel actual love for DH, and I don't think he does for me, either. that feels a bit lonely, even though I know how important the other things are.

Perhaps we do love each other, but it is so buried under the layers of humdrum domesticity.

I think I know how to generate romance, and when we have sex it is good. We both enjoy our sex life, even if it is less frequent than we would like (for all the usual reasons).

Bertolli - you are right, it does take work, and I think I am being too accepting of a lazy attitude towards our relationship, and that we should both put in more work. If I start then hopefully DH will respond.

OP posts:

madamez · 07/11/2007 14:03

If both of you are happy, there's nothing wrong. ROmantic passion is vastly over-rated anyway: fun as a brief indulgence but like any recreational drug, too much of it will make you sick.

ANd frankly, for many people, living with someone who constantly says they wuv you and fills the house with flowers all the time could actuallyt get a bit wearing. Overly romantic partners can be worse than clingy toddlers, you end up feeling like you can't ever take a good smelly dump in peace.

Niecie · 07/11/2007 14:09

There is a book called "I love you but..." which is about exactly this problem.

Apparently, a growing number of people seem to be getting divorced on the basis they don't feel 'in love' with their partners any more and they don't feel that affectionate partnership is enough. The book is supposed to help those people rekindle some of the passion although, as others have said, you'll never get back the excitement of a brand new relationship. I am not sure that is sustainable once you have children anyway.

I haven't read all the book but it gets good reviews.

There is a link to it if you are interested

Bertolli · 07/11/2007 14:14

Try not to see it as "putting in more work" rather, "making more of an effort"!
Feels better somehow..

madamez - lol!

Lauriefairycake · 07/11/2007 14:19

Yep, overly romantic love yuk ! - prefer reality

Love is something we work at in our house

Sometimes we work harder than other times

Have only ever felt biologically passionate about someone for about 18 months - that period of passionate infatuation is biologically normal, just enough time to settle down and get preggers according to lovely mother nature.

Hassled · 07/11/2007 14:22

I think the crix of the matter is: Can you imagine life without him? Is he your best friend? I don't feel in love with my DH, but I love him very much and couldn't imagine life without him. I had the passion and excitement with my first DH, and when that had worn off (as it always does) there was just nothing left - the friendship sort of love is much more important to me.

Hassled · 07/11/2007 14:23

That was crux of the matter, not crix .

Bertolli · 07/11/2007 14:30

Quite, hassled, very well summised.

Original poster

OneTrickMummy · 07/11/2007 14:48

He feels like 'one of my friends' rather than 'my best friend', and yes, I can imagine life without him, except that I would miss his big contribution to being a parent in the family. Actually, I don't think I could live with even my best friend, so we do have an ability to live together which is strong. We are insanely proud of our children, although we don't always agree on some important parenting approaches.

I am very independent, and would hate any 'wuvving', so maybe this is my natural state for a relationship.

I feel a bit dead inside, though. I was depressed after DS1 and something never came back to life.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 07/11/2007 16:03

This post has rung a bell with me.

After nearly 6yrs with dh i decided i didnt really have any "passionate" feelings for him and we started to bicker a lot about little things. Even though he was the best father you could imagine and a great husband, always doing little things for me.

I was bored and fed up, and told him to leave, i was sick of the lack of passion.

Then couple of months later i realised i DID still love him a hell of a lot, and begged him to come back. He refused.

Four months on from this and he is living with another girl and their baby is due in 6 months.

I am a wreck, and i hate myself for telling him to leave; he was my best friend and i just thought the grass was greener.

Please dont make my mistake.

TimeForMe · 07/11/2007 16:09

I think it all makes perfect sense. But, (big but coming) i wonder if you are looking at your relationship and questioning your love for your dh because you feel discontent. What I am trying to say that it sounds as if it is you as a person who is feeling unfulfilled and maybe 'love' has nothing to do with it. I wonder if you are looking for a reason for how you are feeling, looking for where you feel your life is lacking and you have come up with your love life.

Which, by the way, sounds jolly nice to me you have a good basis anyway, a good satrting point if you want to inject a bit of spice and passion into your life.

allgonebellyup · 07/11/2007 16:18

Timeforme, i think you are right. my marriage was actually fine, my dh was very caring but i just got bored.
Hope the OP realises that too!

sfxmum · 07/11/2007 16:20

I don't think the 'can't keep hands off each other' is something that lasts lust not same as love

I think that in a long term relationship there is ebb and flow but you do have to make an effort just expecting to have someone meet your needs / expectations is not realistic, I mean to you constantly meet theirs.

but it is important to find things to be passionate about outside marriage ( preferably not other people)

TimeForMe · 07/11/2007 16:27

I remember your thread Allgonebellyup, I felt so sad for you

I hope you are feeling a lot better about things now

wayneta · 07/11/2007 16:41

Aren't all long term relationships swings and roundabouts.
I've been with dh over 7 years and somedays I can't bear him yet others I love him so much that I feel childish.
Same with sex sometimes is a quickies just for contact and relaxation then other times it's passionate and exciting.
To be fair routine and boring is more common than the passionate moments in all aspects of our life but then thats just life especially when you have children and are tired from work and other commitments.

Oblomov · 07/11/2007 17:53

allgonebellyup - that is so sad, I am so sorry for you. I too agree with timeforme's comments. And I can associate with Waynetta.
Re discontent - Recently I seemed very dissastisfied - I was jealous of my sil. Everything came so easy to her. Her house rose in value by £125,000 and she nearly paid off her mortgage.
Then I had a good look at myself - A p/t job I loved, a lovely little son and a husband who cherishes me and who I love to death. All the things I ever wanted. I have since tried to be grateful and appreciative for what I have. I don't know what it was that I thought I wanted. I am trying to accept that the things that I REALLY only ever craved, are the very things I ALREADY HAVE.

NotQuiteCockney · 07/11/2007 18:41

I agree with the others - "in love" isn't something that lasts for decades. And it does sound like the issue is in you, not in your relationship ...

NAB3littlemonkeys · 07/11/2007 18:58

I think you have to have love, otherwise what is the point? Sex becomes less important, but you have to have friendship, respect, a liking for one another and to love one another. It does change, it has to, but it can still be good.

NotQuiteCockney · 07/11/2007 19:06

Yes, you have to have love, but love and being in love are different things, I'd say.

clam · 07/11/2007 20:51

Sometimes, an even keel is where we need to be. For every "up" of a passionate, knee-trembling love affair as shown in films, is a corresponding "down" when we're miserable/disappointed etc... And there are probably many people who would envy what you have - if they perceive it to be contentment. Do you feel it isn't contentment however? I was interested to hear you say you'd been depressed....... maybe you could explore that one again - it might explain your current muffled outlook. My sister has dreadful bouts of depression (was hospitalised once) and has reported that she can sit and count her blessings on paper til the cows come home, but it doesn't shift the "nothing" state of mind.

HairyIrene · 07/11/2007 20:58

in love doesnt last too long
but love takes work

passion comes and goes too

its like they say you work at it
but you both must want to imho...

you have alot to loose i would try and talk to him what you have said here ..

all gone bellly up

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