Does anyone have a happy enough marriage without being in love?

[OneTrickMummy]

I have been with DH for 8 years. We get along in a friendly and enjoyable way for much of the time, but we are not passionate, we do not say 'I love you', and we never have done, really.

I lurk on Mumsnet a lot and see how close people feel to their DHs, and I envy that. I do try to make a big effort to be close and affectionate, in fits and starts, and sometimes it works. Then we have a row and we seem to slip back into just getting along fine. We are ok as a team, I am not unhappy, as such, and I think he feels pretty much the same way.

Should we carry on like this? Try harder? Or be ambitious and make a break for the chance of something passionate with someone else? (which would mean breaking the DC's hearts, and have no guarantee of success).

Thank you all so much for your responses to my post. The fact that everyone has been so kind and thoughtful has actually made it possible to listen to what you have said with all my heart. TimeForMe and AllGoneBellyUp - your posts have reached me. AGBU - thank you for the generosity in sharing and for wishing others a happier ending. What happened to you is tragic - you did not do 'bad', you made a mistake .

Thank you all. This has helped me a lot.

Clam, 'muffled' is a very good word.

You are welcome Onetrickmummy

Now, if you need any help in 'finding yourself' and how to stop feeling 'muffled' you know where we are xx

BTW, I married my best friend and we have a companionship that sustains us through everything life has thrown at us so far in our 13 years together. And I look around at others who married for different reasons, perhaps, and see them splitting up now the passion has gone and there is nothing left to carry them through. It also helps that we both have shared family values and have always agreed that divorce is just not an option for us, however much we might be pissing each other off, although I fully understand that there are some relationships, violent ones, for instance, where it might be different.
I don't see how it could be worth rocking a reasonably stable boat (and happy children)for..... what?

My definition of love: two people who offer each other friendship, trust, support and affection.

Maybe not all at once, or all the time but theese qualitys are what make a strong relationship.

I don't fancy my husband like I did when we first met but I would never trade the years of building and effort we have put into our relationship, for a few weeks of passion with someone else.

Make the most of what you have and if it takes a little effort to be passionate, put that effort in. You may be surprised what you get in return!!

if your definition of love isn't a silly rom com film, then yes.

I have had the friendship thing and now the lovwe thing and there is no comparison I think the passion and love differentiate your relationship from your other friends

So what do you mean noddyholder? that passion is love and friendship is not? Why not have them all?? Thats the ultimate I love my husband passionatly and he is my best friend. See what I mean?

That is what I mean Having just a friendship is not imo enough you need both.I already have lots of friends but dp is not just a friend

The book Niecie recommended is really worth a look. I borrowed it from the library a couple of months ago and can't bear to return it - intend to buy a copy - it's a good read even if you haven't problems - as it suggests ways to prevent them happening and how to avert disaster if they do.

It sounds like you have a good basis for rekindling your feelings for each other, so don't give up.

I think passion comes and goes. Dp and I have known each other nearly 20 years and been properly together for only 5 of those. We still fancy each other but I do find I don't respond as quickly passion-wise as I did. Sometimes he really annoys me too - we've had teething problems since moving in together - but we do fundamentally know that we love AND like each other and don't want that to end. Passion is nature's way of drawing people together - so the human race doesn't die out - but it's the love and friendship that sustains things longterm (and a bit of work to keep a teensy bit of passion bubbling along somewhere underneath).

Sorry, I'm waffling a bit, to get back to the point, see if you can get a copy of 'I Love you but I'm not in love with you'.