Lied to partner is this dumpworthy?

[justanothermum1019]

Sorry this is long winded... I've been with my partner 7 months, at the start of the relationship we spoke about previous relationships and asked if I'd ever slept with a friend, I had when I was late teens (we are late thirties) and told him this and he seemed a bit put out saying he would never do this. I told him we were good friends it happened as a one off was a bit awkward and we both knew it wouldn't work and we were friends after until I met a previous partner. When I split with my previous long term relationship this friend messaged me (we have mutual friends and we were friends when I got with ex although we haven't spoken in years) to see if I was okay, general chat about what we had been upto asking about family etc nothing ontoward and said we should have a catch up in person when we could, we haven't spoken again since. Unbeknown to me partner saw these messages (they were about 3/4 months before we met) on my message feed, he didn't say anything at the time but a month or so later mentioned he'd seen a message on my phone. He had mentioned it seemed like a previous bf which at that time I had a few messages from a guy I had dated, didn't realise he meant this as was not flirty in anyway. He then asked a few times about this message and asked me directly if it was him and I lied, mainly because it was before we met and I thought it would just cause more issues. Fast forward another month and he tells me he knows it was him and he's upset I've lied - I'm disappointed in myself however it wasn't meant to hurt him. Obviously it has and has caused some trust issues. It's now been 2 months since he said and I confessed and he still brings it up a lot, questions me messaging etc. I am not sure if he's over reacting, if this means the relationship won't recover. To me it's such a small significant thing however he sees it as the lie which I understand and the extent I kept the lie up to cover myself. I have never cheated in my life, would never entertain it at all and respect and trust this man so much and feeling a bit upset I have probably messed this up before it even started.

It's nothing to do with your partner, it was before him and he shouldn't be reading your messages. I wouldn't be getting to 8 months with him, he'd be dumped now as he has the hallmarks of being someone who will end up trying to control you.

What would he do if you told him it was before you and him were even an item and it's none of his business?

He sounds a bit weird tbh. Why is he so obsessed with this only 7 months in? I suspect he'll get more and more controlling / jealous.

He's being weird and very likely to become more so if this obsessed & jealous already. You haven't been honest or covered yourself in glory either.

Basically this sounds like a hiding to nothing - you're not going to be able to work this out, so a clean break now sounds sensible.

Sounds like he has trust issues. However, all this was before you met, so you've not done anything wrong at all to lose his trust (except the little lie, which is pertinent to his trust issues unfortunately, most normal people wouldn't be bothered).

Everyone has a past, it's unreasonable for him to expect you not to have. Tell him he needs to come to terms with it, and stop asking you questions. You've already told him more than enough. The only thing that matters is the here and now.

FFS, run for your life. He's late 30's and using a former relationship of yours to beat you over the head with. A past relationship that is, by the way, none of his fucking business. He has massive red flags waving all around him. Controlling, jealous, and abusive. All of this will only get worse. Get rid of him today.

Ok there are few things going on here

1. He's twisting things. It was before you met him, you owe him no explanation
2. Careful as this could be the start of abuse. Control and gaslighting
3. Why are you not angry he's been reading your messages?
4. Dump the twat. This will get worse and worse until you won't be able to speak to any men without him becoming insecure and jealous.

Also, it wouldn't matter if you had slept with hundreds of men. It was before you met him. You owe him NOTHING.
He will look for anything, anything from your past to make his control YOUR fault.

Odd behaviour on his part. It was before you were in a relationship so frankly none of his business.

It's not ideal you lied, but clearly you knew he was being unreasonable/weird about it and presumably were trying to keep the peace.

Do you generally walk on eggshells / try tomorrow-empt issues arising? Tbh his behaviour raises a red flag to me.

His gaslighting is already working as YOU feel disappointed YOU'VE messed this up and YOU'VE upset him
Why? He's conditioning you already.
Tell him to f the f off with his control.

Putting myself in his shoes I'm just trying to understand how many ex boyfriends or people who you have slept with you are still in touch with as this would put me off...I don't mean to be rude at all but I wouldn't personally want a partner to be texting multiple people from before they met me.

Then I also wouldn't want someone who lied to me about little things from their life when we chatted about it. I would prefer someone to say if they didn't consider it my business than lie.

But taken in context of your post I don't think this is a good relationship for either of you really

None of his business.

That’ll teach him to read messages he shouldn’t.

If he can’t get past this dump and move on. He won’t change. Before you know it he’ll be wanting to attend girls nights out in case an ex turns up to talk to you........

Oh, and re the lie, I’d say the reason I lied is because I knew you’d be like this. I was right, you are being silly. Yeah I shouldn’t have lied but you have trust issues from your past you shouldn’t be taking out on me.

He's checking your messages. And then picking them apart. And pulling you up on them.
And casting them up.
And all in 7 months?
Don't waste any more time on him. And don't let him make you feel it's all your fault when you kick his sneaky arse out. He's a control freak in the making.

He’s massively overreacting and insecure
Dump him

I can see both sides of this as I've been on both sides. I think things could work but you say he's mentioned it multiple times, which means he now doesn't trust you. I don't think it will get any better. He seems weirdly obsessed about it.

Seriously OP if it wasn't this it would be something else. End it now before he gets even more weird.

Firstly, how on earth did he manage to see messages on your phone from months before you got together??? Secondly, he's laying traps for you by asking about things he already knew the answers to.

Your answer shouldn't have been a lie, it should have been "why the fuck do you think you have the right to reason my messages and interrogate me on my past contacts??"

To reason = to read. Bloody auto correct.

And yes, HIS actions are completely dump worthy! Get rid.

You respect and trust this man so much

Why? He's controlling as fuck.

Get rid now.

He’s punishing you for things that happened before you met him? You know this is one of the biggest red flags going right? The general advice is to dump guys like this. It’s a massive NO. If they ever do this they get dumped immediately with no second chances or excuses. It’s extremely controlling and weird behaviour. It’s abnormal. Most people don’t do this. Do not accept it.

Why do you respect and trust someone who doesn't respect and trust you?

I'm curious why you didn't tell him to miss off when he started being puritanical and going through your phone?

He is being controlling. Get rid of him and stop being so harsh on yourself - you haven't done anything wrong.

This is controlling behaviour. You are already covering your tracks and you haven’t done anything wrong.

The minute you had to justify yourself for sleeping with someone in your teens is the minute you should have finished with this guy. You have nothing to feel guilty about here. How far did he scroll back in your phone to find messages from months before you met him?

The hills are that way ---> RUN!!!!!!

THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE ONLY GET WORSE NOT BETTER