Lied to partner is this dumpworthy?

[justanothermum1019]

Sorry this is long winded... I've been with my partner 7 months, at the start of the relationship we spoke about previous relationships and asked if I'd ever slept with a friend, I had when I was late teens (we are late thirties) and told him this and he seemed a bit put out saying he would never do this. I told him we were good friends it happened as a one off was a bit awkward and we both knew it wouldn't work and we were friends after until I met a previous partner. When I split with my previous long term relationship this friend messaged me (we have mutual friends and we were friends when I got with ex although we haven't spoken in years) to see if I was okay, general chat about what we had been upto asking about family etc nothing ontoward and said we should have a catch up in person when we could, we haven't spoken again since. Unbeknown to me partner saw these messages (they were about 3/4 months before we met) on my message feed, he didn't say anything at the time but a month or so later mentioned he'd seen a message on my phone. He had mentioned it seemed like a previous bf which at that time I had a few messages from a guy I had dated, didn't realise he meant this as was not flirty in anyway. He then asked a few times about this message and asked me directly if it was him and I lied, mainly because it was before we met and I thought it would just cause more issues. Fast forward another month and he tells me he knows it was him and he's upset I've lied - I'm disappointed in myself however it wasn't meant to hurt him. Obviously it has and has caused some trust issues. It's now been 2 months since he said and I confessed and he still brings it up a lot, questions me messaging etc. I am not sure if he's over reacting, if this means the relationship won't recover. To me it's such a small significant thing however he sees it as the lie which I understand and the extent I kept the lie up to cover myself. I have never cheated in my life, would never entertain it at all and respect and trust this man so much and feeling a bit upset I have probably messed this up before it even started.

He sounds controlling, get rid.

Obviously the first thing I did was ask how he had seen them and why had he been going through my messages, he said he had glimpsed the end of a message as I was showing him something else on my phone which I had. I lied quite badly over it multiple times which is why I am questioning myself, I was just denying it all and he knew all along so that must have made him feel awful I guess like me gaslighting him . My last relationship was controlling (although didn't see it fully at the time) and apart from this question over my lie things with this guy are good, he's a really lovely guy and would do anything for me. He obviously has trust issues and I know he had been badly hurt from previous relationships which could be why he is overreacting. But I have also, my last relationship was awful but I started this relationship afresh without preconceptions. I'm coming to the conclusion maybe this guy is still not fully ready for a relationship.

Honestly, I would have told the truth but it has nothing to do with your partner who you slept with before him.

Agree with those saying he shouldn’t be bothered by what happened before

However now you’ve gone from a lie, to now saying multiple times. If you were saying your partner had repeatedly lied about contact with an ex you’d be told he’s cheating, not to be trusted, he’d lie about other things, and you should LTB

“Ok there are few things going on here

1. He's twisting things. It was before you met him, you owe him no explanation
2. Careful as this could be the start of abuse. Control and gaslighting
3. Why are you not angry he's been reading your messages?
4. Dump the twat. This will get worse and worse until you won't be able to speak to any men without him becoming insecure and jealous.”

Not RTFT but this with bells on. Especially 3 and 4. But next time tell the truth or tell the person enquiring that it’s private and no concern of theirs. Because you lied, you created the impression you had sth to hide when you didn’t. But it’s mostly on him - he’s bang out of order and waving huge red flags at you.

He obviously has trust issues and I know he had been badly hurt from previous relationships which could be why he is overreacting. But I have also, my last relationship was awful but I started this relationship afresh without preconceptions

His alleged previous disappointments are nothing to do with you. He's no business visiting his baggage on you.

It sounds like he's manufacturing reasons to freak out on you and treat you like you're untrustworthy.

If it wasn't this issue he would find something else to try and make you feel 'in the wrong' or 'guilty' for.

He is conditioning you to feel like you need to now prove your innocence/lotalry/honest/love. Whilst he begins to manipulate and abuse you.

It is an abuser tactic.

No normal person would give a rats ass who you slept with before you even met them. Let alone be asking you intrusivecquwstions and picking apart your answers.

He doesn't have trust issues - he has control issues!!! As in: he wants to control you.

Just to clarify I haven't spoken to this 'friend' since meeting new partner it was a few months before and old messages he had seen. I don't know why I lied to hide it as there is nothing to it, nothing I should feel guilty for, I could just sense he was going to get funny after the sleeping with a friend comment and then thought it was easier to just hide it but I should of just said yes instead of it becoming such a thing. As I said I've been in a controlling relationship before whereby he wouldn't want me talking to other men, I would be accused of affairs with coworkers etc and so maybe I am a bit more sensitive to things like that causing an issue when it probably wouldn't. I think it's been so long since I had a healthy relationship I'm not sure how to anymore.

Op. Gaslighting is using lies as a deliberate head fuck.

What it isn't is telling a fib when you are backed into a corner by someone trying to fuck with your head.

Lying about past relationships isn't great in a healthy relationship, but with the greatest of respect, this does not sound like a healthy relationship.

You were already on the back foot for having dared to sleep with someone many years ago (sorry - how does he get the right to bestow judgement upon that?) Then he wasn't transparent with you and asked you repeated questions to catch you out.

This is not normal, OP. This is nasty, controlling behaviour. You are already taking on the narrative of yourself as a liar and a gaslighter rather than someone being interrogated about stuff that is irrelevant and being controlled.

Abusers don't have the word "abuser" tattooed on their forehead. They are not constantly horrible. Abusers can often be charming, lovely people. Doesn't make controlling, coercive behaviour in between OK though.

You've got enough red flags here to make bunting for a street party. He needs to pack this in right now or leave you alone, frankly.

Have you done the Freedom Programme. It sounds as though you could do with some work spotting what is not acceptable in a relationship (especially as you have been in a controlling relationship before).

Going back to gaslighting - as I said - it's a technique used to fuck with someone's head. Someone is being gaslit in your relationship and it ain't him.

This is very OTT and I can not see it getting any better, if you are submissive to the situation he will only see this as a way of being able to nit pick at things in the future. Be assertive, apologise for the small lie explain why it happened and then ask to move on. Tell him if he cant move on then you don't see a way forward. Do not let this be the start of worse things to come OP!

You lied because you are already frightened of this guy and how he is going to react. Huge red flag, some one behaving like this so early on in a relationship has the potential to get really nasty later on. I would get rid asap.

@justanothermum1019

Obviously the first thing I did was ask how he had seen them and why had he been going through my messages, he said he had glimpsed the end of a message as I was showing him something else on my phone which I had. I lied quite badly over it multiple times which is why I am questioning myself, I was just denying it all and he knew all along so that must have made him feel awful I guess like me gaslighting him . My last relationship was controlling (although didn't see it fully at the time) and apart from this question over my lie things with this guy are good, he's a really lovely guy and would do anything for me. He obviously has trust issues and I know he had been badly hurt from previous relationships which could be why he is overreacting. But I have also, my last relationship was awful but I started this relationship afresh without preconceptions. I'm coming to the conclusion maybe this guy is still not fully ready for a relationship.

Hmmm, you're excusing him. He's not a lovely guy. The mask will slip soon. He's testing you right now.

You've gone from one abusive relationship into another.
You're being far far too nice abour him reading your messages. He's already getting you into the game, he already knew and was testing you. Then turned it round like it was your fault

Honestly, this doesn't sound good.

It sounds as though you've exchanged one bad relationship for another. This one is gaslighting you as much as the other one was. I think you should dump this loser and do the Freedom programme.

@justanothermum1019

Just to clarify I haven't spoken to this 'friend' since meeting new partner it was a few months before and old messages he had seen. I don't know why I lied to hide it as there is nothing to it, nothing I should feel guilty for, I could just sense he was going to get funny after the sleeping with a friend comment and then thought it was easier to just hide it but I should of just said yes instead of it becoming such a thing. As I said I've been in a controlling relationship before whereby he wouldn't want me talking to other men, I would be accused of affairs with coworkers etc and so maybe I am a bit more sensitive to things like that causing an issue when it probably wouldn't. I think it's been so long since I had a healthy relationship I'm not sure how to anymore.

You're sensitive because deep down you know. You know where this leads and you were uncomfortable with the questions because of that.

You know the signs and saw the red flag but side stepped it and don't want to believe it because he seems a 'nice guy'
He's not.
Listen to and trust yourself

@Aquamarine1029

FFS, run for your life. He's late 30's and using a former relationship of yours to beat you over the head with. A past relationship that is, by the way, none of his fucking business. He has massive red flags waving all around him. Controlling, jealous, and abusive. All of this will only get worse. Get rid of him today.

This 💯%!!! He’s waaaaay to jealous and intense.

Yeah agree with everyone else really. If you do want to give it a go with him you need to sit him down and tell him you find his behaviour a bit weird in regards to people you were with/spoke to before you two even met and you won't be putting up with that again

He's got issues. Do you quiz him on who he's had sex with in the past?

You neither require nor need to explain yourself to us or him.
Kick him to the kerb.
We are all saying ‘the past is the past’ he on the other hand.......

he said he had glimpsed the end of a message as I was showing him something else on my phone

Tell me how this works?

Sorry but red flags are flying here and I think your complaining about the wrong things.. Your partner sounds controlling and seriously insecure in a creepy way

Good grief, how can a man of this age,be so immature, controlling and obsessive. Not much hope of a nice future with him I would guess.

Been seeing him 7 months now and he's already a partner? Jesus wept! Slow down. He had no business prying like this so early on much less getting stroppy about it still now.

Get rid of this guy, STOP dating for a while until you spend some time working on yourself and stop rushing into relationships considering everyone you date a partner.

'He obviously has trust issues and I know he had been badly hurt from previous relationships which could be why he is overreacting'

If I had a £1 for every guy that's told me this! It's absolutely zero excuse for not trusting a new partner and looking through their messages. I think the fact he keeps bringing it up is a massive problem

This guy sounds fucked in the head. Who you’ve slept with in the past is absolutely non of his business. He has no right to hold this over you. You lied because you knew his reaction would be unreasonable. Run.

Well he seems fairly invested in catching you out which is pretty inappropriate, but now you've given the lie, and spent some time repeating it that is probably pretty hard to come back from.

I'm intolerant of this kind of skin-saving lying myself, I understand why it happens but it's just not for me because I'd feel like I wouldn't know what to believe from that point onwards.

But then I don't think that I would put someone else in that situation in the first place - ie..I wouldn't be trying to catch them out on what happened beforehand, or testing/setting someone up to fail like that - I understand the temptation a person would feel to just make life easier. But a little lie just tends to lead to more aggro all round as you've found, and I don't like stress so I just tend to tell the truth and be damned!

So problems with him testing you like he appears to be doing, and holding on to this slight against him, and problems with you having lied. hmmm

I think the only thing you can do is have it out frankly - explain why you felt under pressure to say what you said, that you don't want him to ask any questions like that in the future as it's none of his business. He should commit to not asking inappropriate questions, not testing you, and not holding on to perceived slights and bringing them up again, and you should commit to not lying again in the future. If both of you can do all of that maybe you can come back from it.