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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've messed up

42 replies

Lilyminilli · 15/03/2021 12:36

Met bf a year ago. He is a good guy, father to his son and practical and patient. He is a typical male problem solver.
I would say his only faults are a poor relationship with his ex and he has a tendency to see things in black and white. Sometimes situations are grey. Unfortunately this is not one of them.
We agreed to form a bubble in lockdown. This meant he wouldn't see his parents who are vulnerable.
I wouldn't be able to see my mum or my brother and his family.
We later agreed I could see my mum as she provided me with childcare when the schools closed. Plus she is 81 and lives alone.
However my SIL invited me and my mum for cake yesterday for mothers day. I shouldn't have gone but I felt pressure to agree and I am a horrendous people pleaser. (My SIL has bent the rules a fair bit in lockdown and won't have seen this as an issue)
I didnt tell DP but he found out from my daughter who was excited to be seeing her cousins.
He is rightfully p**d off with me. I've lied to him and he cannot trust me. I think I've killed our relationship.
I'm not looking for sympathy I know i have been in the wrong. I have become the thing I hate most: deceitful and untrustworthy. And I can't give a good reason why I did it.
I have been in tears on and off since yesterday evening.
I am thinking of sending him a message acknowledging that it would not be unreasonable for him to end our relationship as he will have lost trust in me. Apologising again and wishing him the best.
But I dont know if this is a good idea?
I'm such a fool.

OP posts:

ArthurBloom · 15/03/2021 12:41

I don't normally say stuff like this when people lie but OP, a relationship that has this much fear over one relatively minor act is a little unhealthy.
Yes you were silly but realistically this should only kill a relationship of 2 months or less.

TheLost · 15/03/2021 12:45

That is a massive overreaction on his part unless he has underlying health conditions and hasn’t yet had his first vaccination.

It was a daft thing to do but to be perfectly honest more people and more people each day are bending the rules and figures are still dropping. Was there a reason you didn’t tell him? Did you know he’d consider you seeing your mum and sister on Mother’s Day a great betrayal of trust?

Original poster

Lilyminilli · 15/03/2021 12:47

Maybe you're right. I know he gets very stressed by everything at the moment. He was upset that he chose me over his parents and I've let him down?
He hasnt seen them since Christmas.
He said I wouldn't have told him about this if my daughter hadnt said something and I would have put him at risk. (He also has underlying health conditions.)
I'm not very good at dealing with confrontation so I tend not to tell people things if I feel it would upset them.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 15/03/2021 12:49

Basically he is making a mountain out of a relatively small mole hill.

Is he usually such a drama queen?

Look it's not idea to break the bubble but we come into close contact every other day with ppl at work and in the supermarket. And if your little one has gone back to school...well tbh that's social distancing out the window anyway. You're all far more likely to catch it from her than anyone else.

I'd be more worried that he is using this to make you out to be some horrible betrayer. So that you have to isolate the shit out of yourself from now on in order to keep him happy.

Tbh op, he sounds like too much hard work. I'd cut him lose for that. Not because of your tiny little bubble break.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 12:49

@Lilyminilli

Maybe you're right. I know he gets very stressed by everything at the moment. He was upset that he chose me over his parents and I've let him down? He hasnt seen them since Christmas. He said I wouldn't have told him about this if my daughter hadnt said something and I would have put him at risk. (He also has underlying health conditions.) I'm not very good at dealing with confrontation so I tend not to tell people things if I feel it would upset them.

Well that’s different.

What if he gets it because you’ve been out with your irresponsible SIL?

He hasn’t seen his own family but it’s ok for you to have cake with yours?

I’d be pissed off it DH did that. And especially if he lied to me about it!

Whatisthisfuckery · 15/03/2021 12:55

I’m always surprised that people have been following these stupid rules. I’ve seen my family, I’ve just kept away if anyone is ill. Nobody has died.

Tell him if he wants to see his family then to do it, and you’ll see yours if you want. JFC people have been silly about all this covid stuff.

Original poster

Lilyminilli · 15/03/2021 13:00

@OhCaptain
This is definitely where he is coming from. He had a lot on his mind and he did catastrophise eg if his ex found out she would use it against him (eg if I caught it and passed it on to him and his son).

I spoke to my close friend last night and she thought he was overreacting. And made the point that most people have breached the rules.
But I know he has been super careful and rarely goes anywhere to avoid contact with other people.
I guess he could sound like hard work. It's really difficult for me to judge as we've been in this relationship for the duration of covid so we've not had much opportunity to do any of the normal stuff you do when you meet someone. He's been there for me when I've needed someone.

OP posts:

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/03/2021 13:00

I don't think he's making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Your sil is irresponsible, he hasn't seen his parents and he is potentially vulnerable? I'd be bloody pissed off too.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/03/2021 13:02

That whole 'most people have breached the rules' argument is a shit excuse for justification.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 13:04

[quote Lilyminilli]@OhCaptain
This is definitely where he is coming from. He had a lot on his mind and he did catastrophise eg if his ex found out she would use it against him (eg if I caught it and passed it on to him and his son).

You obviously agree that he’s overreacting but what if you have stopped him seeing his kids? What if he does catch it and gets extremely ill?

Why is it ok for you to risk that?

Original poster

Lilyminilli · 15/03/2021 13:12

@OhCaptain.
I agree with you I think he is absolutely right to be annoyed. I've let him down.
I think he sometimes stresses himself out more than he has to as he takes every scenario to the enth degree of possibilities. I do worry about him for that reason.

But I've clearly been a total dickhead here.

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 13:15

You’ve obviously apologised. You can’t control if he forgives you or not.

And perhaps his anxiety is some thorn you don’t want to live with if it means you’re lying and sneaking around. That’s ok too.

Neither of you has to stay in this relationship!

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/03/2021 13:17

I wouldn't try and pre empt him ending it.
I think it's just best you let him have some space and then take it from there. At least you're not trying to minimise it and you realise you've been a prat.
Hopefully it'll come good and lesson learned.

safefacespace · 15/03/2021 13:21

I personally don't think you deserved to be dragged over the coals for the sake of some cake with your family. Yes I'd apologise, but I think it would be extreme to end the relationship

Dery · 15/03/2021 13:24

Hi OP - given your update, I don't think he's overreacting. He has every right to be pissed off. He's stuck by what you agreed and you didn't. You let him down. That said, we have all let down and been let down by our partners from time to time. If he can't forgive you for what was essentially a silly misjudgement, then he's probably not the right partner for you or indeed anyone. We all make mistakes and do the wrong thing from time to time.

I've been a big people-pleaser in my time and one of my biggest and most painful realisations was that people-pleasing third parties was causing me to let down those I should have been prioritising above all others - my husband and my children. That's what's happened here. You put pleasing your SIL above pleasing him. Your avoidance of confrontation (which I completely understand and used to be very prone to myself) doesn't serve you well because it's just led to bigger upset further down the line. So you need to work on overcoming that. You can't be all things to all people.

All that said, if the relationship has otherwise been very good, then I do think it should be possible to come back from this. Don't get into grovelling (that's an unhealthy dynamic) but you can make clear that you realise you let him down, that you made a mistake as a result of family pressures and that you're sorry.

lunar1 · 15/03/2021 13:25

He has a right to make decisions for his own health, people don't have the right to tell him he's overreacting.

Trust in each other is more important than ever right now, he doesn't need to feel guilty for that. Opinions on the pandemic have ended plenty of friendships and relationships.

Talk to him without sounding like you think he's in the wrong for his opinions.

Dery · 15/03/2021 13:25

PS I hadn’t seen your latest update when I wrote mine...

Elsia · 15/03/2021 13:27

Yesterday my husband took my youngest daughter round to his mums to hand in a card and a bottle of wine. It was meant to be handing over on the doorstep situation but while they didn’t stay long (half an hour or so) they ended up going into the house.

I was pretty annoyed. We have no underlying health conditions or anything but I haven’t seen my family since August (they live 100 miles away and we can’t go due to travel restrictions). Probably motivated by a bit of jealously but I did tell him I was unimpressed.

However, I didn’t even consider that I might leave him over it that seems a bit of an overreaction. If I’d had underlying health conditions however I’d have been seriously annoyed though. It would suggest he didnt really give a shit.

Gilda152 · 15/03/2021 13:27

Ooh I can see why he's fuming. That's really bad form but I hope he can find a way to forgive you.

Roszie · 15/03/2021 13:36

He's got underlying health conditions and you weren't going to tell him?

Yes I would ditch you if I were him. I've not seen my parents either though as I want to get out of this shit as soon as we can, and hate selfishness.

rulerbirds · 15/03/2021 13:36

It’s not relationship ending and if he chooses that then you’ve had a lucky escape. He’s being OTT. You did it because we’ve had this lockdown for a year now to protect elderly people in care homes who are all on their way out anyway. This whole thing is ridiculous. As long as none of your family have symptoms, none of you are high risk and you’re not at a 50 people party then crack on. Most people who could die have had the vaccine now. It’s time for all this silliness to stop.

rulerbirds · 15/03/2021 13:37

What are his underlying heath conditions and why hasn’t he been vaccinated then?

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/03/2021 13:42

It's not just the whole covid issue, it's the fact you will lie (by omission) to avoid confrontation on an issue that you have knowingly created and your inability to say no to pressure that I'd have a problem with.

To give into 'pressure' to do something you knew was wrong for you, under the guise of being a people pleaser, is a sign of an inability to set boundaries. You were aware that going would cause problems, but instead of a simple "no" to your SIL, you choose to go and break your agreement with your partner. Because it was easier for you and you thought he won't find out. You choose to put his health in danger and to break his trust in you.

People seem to laugh off being a people pleaser like it's an endearing character trait. It's not! It's simply passing off the blame for bad decisions onto the people you are supposingly pleasing.

Cam2020 · 15/03/2021 13:43

He was upset that he chose me over his parents and I've let him down?
He hasnt seen them since Christmas.
He said I wouldn't have told him about this if my daughter hadnt said something and I would have put him at risk. (He also has underlying health conditions.)

Don't like confrontation, couldn't say no to your SIL- sounds like you need to get a backbone, OP, sorry. You've endangered your partner because of peer pressure while he prioritised you over his parents. I'd be upset too.

PerveenMistry · 15/03/2021 13:46

@Whatisthisfuckery

I’m always surprised that people have been following these stupid rules. I’ve seen my family, I’ve just kept away if anyone is ill. Nobody has died.

Tell him if he wants to see his family then to do it, and you’ll see yours if you want. JFC people have been silly about all this covid stuff.

And this mindset is why we're a year into a global pandemic with variants popping up all over the place. Smh

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