Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I've messed up

42 replies

Lilyminilli · 15/03/2021 12:36

Met bf a year ago. He is a good guy, father to his son and practical and patient. He is a typical male problem solver.
I would say his only faults are a poor relationship with his ex and he has a tendency to see things in black and white. Sometimes situations are grey. Unfortunately this is not one of them.
We agreed to form a bubble in lockdown. This meant he wouldn't see his parents who are vulnerable.
I wouldn't be able to see my mum or my brother and his family.
We later agreed I could see my mum as she provided me with childcare when the schools closed. Plus she is 81 and lives alone.
However my SIL invited me and my mum for cake yesterday for mothers day. I shouldn't have gone but I felt pressure to agree and I am a horrendous people pleaser. (My SIL has bent the rules a fair bit in lockdown and won't have seen this as an issue)
I didnt tell DP but he found out from my daughter who was excited to be seeing her cousins.
He is rightfully p**d off with me. I've lied to him and he cannot trust me. I think I've killed our relationship.
I'm not looking for sympathy I know i have been in the wrong. I have become the thing I hate most: deceitful and untrustworthy. And I can't give a good reason why I did it.
I have been in tears on and off since yesterday evening.
I am thinking of sending him a message acknowledging that it would not be unreasonable for him to end our relationship as he will have lost trust in me. Apologising again and wishing him the best.
But I dont know if this is a good idea?
I'm such a fool.

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 13:46

@rulerbirds

It’s not relationship ending and if he chooses that then you’ve had a lucky escape. He’s being OTT. You did it because we’ve had this lockdown for a year now to protect elderly people in care homes who are all on their way out anyway. This whole thing is ridiculous. As long as none of your family have symptoms, none of you are high risk and you’re not at a 50 people party then crack on. Most people who could die have had the vaccine now. It’s time for all this silliness to stop.

What’s that way of telling ignorant arseholes to fuck off without getting deleted?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2021 13:48

Being a people pleaser is one thing, and you’re still making an active choice about whom to please, but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who lied to my face because they didn’t fancy the potential conflict of telling me something I wouldn’t like.

Have you lied to him about things in the past because it was easier? I bet he’s wondering if you have. How often do you lie to avoid people getting annoyed with you?

You’ve cried for two days because you got caught being inconsiderate and dishonest. Is that level of post getting busted angst likely to stop you lying in future? Doesn’t sound like it.

And that’s all covid aside. He’s chosen to spend time with you instead of his family and this is how you thank him?

I don’t think he’s wrong at all. I’d be raging. You’re not exempt from the rules or being held to account because you don’t like conflict and get emotional when you’re caught. How embarrassing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2021 13:53

Did your husband lie and tell you he hadn’t gone inside for you to find out from someone else later that he had @Elsia?

If not that’s completely different to what OP did. And she hasn’t been married years with a foundation of trust and understanding.

Original poster

Lilyminilli · 15/03/2021 14:17

Thanks for the comments. I agree I'm pretty pathetic and need to stand up for myself. I think my self esteem has been battered by a previous relationship but that's no excuse either.

He has asthma but does not fall into the serious category 6. So he has not been offered the vaccine.

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 15/03/2021 14:38

Difficult. Did you actively lie about where you were and what you were doing? I would find that really upsetting. I don't think what you did is that bad in the grand scheme of things but if you actively lied to his face about your whereabouts etc then that's pretty shitty.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2021 14:49

Your past makes you prone to lying, maybe his makes him extra sensitive to being lied to. We all have to find ways to process our pasts but he’s still not in the wrong.

LemonTT · 15/03/2021 14:50

It doesn’t really matter if any of us agree with the necessity of the commitment you reached with your boyfriend. The issue is that it was built on trust and this has been betrayed. And you weren’t honest about that.

People pleasing is an interesting defence. I have to say I don’t thinks it’s really taking responsibility or ownership of your own actions and decision making.If this is you, then I would struggle to trust your ability to remain faithful to any commitment you made to me if it meant saying no to someone else.

TheChip · 15/03/2021 14:56

How is he coping now that schools are open then?
He has chosen not to see his family. That is not on you! He made that choice. If he wants to reassess and place them as his bubble instead of you then so be it, but he is over reacting a fair bit here imo.

The fear you're feeling is over the top as well. Something is clearly not right somewhere for you both to react this way over a slice of fricken cake.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 15:20

@TheChip

How is he coping now that schools are open then? He has chosen not to see his family. That is not on you! He made that choice. If he wants to reassess and place them as his bubble instead of you then so be it, but he is over reacting a fair bit here imo.

The fear you're feeling is over the top as well. Something is clearly not right somewhere for you both to react this way over a slice of fricken cake.

Of course it's on her!

They made an agreement as a couple in a relationship and OP not only went back on it but was deceitful about it.

OP isn't trying to absolve herself of the blame, so why are you?

rulerbirds · 15/03/2021 15:23

OP there’s no evidence that asthma is an aggravating factor in Covid. My son has asthma and he’s been going to school as normal. You’ve apologised. You haven’t murdered anyone. Nobody’s dead. Nobody you know has Covid. It’s time to let it go. You’ve apologised. If he can’t now move past it then that’s down to him. It’s starting to feel like he wants to punish you for the sake of being punished. It’s not like you went shopping for two hours in Tesco without a mask on! You saw ONE ADULT outside your bubble/childcare bubble. This is not a hanging offence

rulerbirds · 15/03/2021 15:24

Don’t make anymore agreements with him. We’re out of all this soon anyway. You want to be able to come and go as you please. Stand up for yourself!

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 15/03/2021 16:01

Rightly or wrongly I think I would have reacted how your BF did. You sneaked off to see multiple family members and he hasn’t seen his own elderly parents.
You’ve apologised, there’s nothing else you can do except wait and see if he can move on from this.

orpah · 15/03/2021 16:10

One rule for you and one for him. Plus putting him at risk AND lying about it? I would be raging with you

Cam2020 · 15/03/2021 16:10

Thanks for the comments. I agree I'm pretty pathetic and need to stand up for myself. I think my self esteem has been battered by a previous relationship but that's no excuse either.

He has asthma but does not fall into the serious category 6. So he has not been offered the vaccine.

You're clearly sorry, OP, and are aware that you made an error of judgement here. I hope you sort things out, learn from it and move on from it together. I would have been angry/upset if I were your partner, but as a previous poster said, it's not a hanging offence. If your partner really can't get past it, that's his problem - no relationship is without conflict or upset.

LilMidge01 · 15/03/2021 16:33

You're clearly sorry, understand how you've messed up and why you;ve broken his trust. You cannot control how he reacts to it.

I know its hard, but you have to make it clear how you feel (sorry and understand why) but what he does about it is up to him, and you have to try and let that go. And remember whilst you're feeling bad, you are worth more than his reaction/opinion (please don't call yourself 'pathetic'. You made a mistake, are remorseful and will grow from this)

NotSeenBulling · 15/03/2021 16:37

@rulerbirds

Don’t make anymore agreements with him. We’re out of all this soon anyway. You want to be able to come and go as you please. Stand up for yourself!

Do you think? Where's the evidence we will all be out of this soon. The opposite is likely to be true with new varients and a worryingly high number of the population refusing vaccination.

As for the OP. I would feel I couldn't trust you either. Being a people pleaser is one thing. I am to a degree. I have been out eight times in the last year because both of us are vulnerable. Even apparently healthy and non vulnerable people are dying of this virus. Playing fast and loose with it for no actual benefit is stupidity not people pleasing.

nitsandwormsdodger · 15/03/2021 20:01

Massive over reaction are you depressed ?
Your mother is vaccinated I presume and you and your kids have been in lock down, judging by the traffic everyone was visiting their mums yesterday
Yes not ideal to have lied... but you should have felt confident enough to tell him your choice / decision and possibly have a reasonable discussion about it

Flip

1 2